Learning to fear love....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Learning to fear love....
http://healthymind.com/nolove.html
I don't want to be afraid anymore...
I don't want to worry that I'm going to give myself away in the need to feel love...
and I don't want to sift through emeshment and addiction to find enough scraps of pseudo love to try to fill my need....
I want that first... childlike ... natural urge to reach out for love to be my default state...
I want to be able to stand still and let people love me...
I've had so many bent ideas about love...
but...
it's a new day.. and a new way...
thoughts on love anyone..?? ;o)
Learning to Fear Love
Child: Reaches out for love or to express self in some way.
Result: Slap! or withdrawal of parent.
Next day: Child reaches out again.
Result: Slap! or withdrawal of parent.
Next day: Child reaches.
Slap!
Cycle repeats over and over...
Child learns to squelch natural inclination
to reach out because of the pain.
Desire to reach out builds. Conflict about
reaching out vs. self protection intensifies.
Desire to reach out becomes an unwelcome intrusion.
Child: Wants to reach out.
Result: Slaps self.
This page was developed from material presented by Stephen M. Johnson in his excellent technical book, Characterological Transformation. The Hard Work Miracle. (1985). New York: W. W. Norton and Company.
Child: Reaches out for love or to express self in some way.
Result: Slap! or withdrawal of parent.
Next day: Child reaches out again.
Result: Slap! or withdrawal of parent.
Next day: Child reaches.
Slap!
Cycle repeats over and over...
Child learns to squelch natural inclination
to reach out because of the pain.
Desire to reach out builds. Conflict about
reaching out vs. self protection intensifies.
Desire to reach out becomes an unwelcome intrusion.
Child: Wants to reach out.
Result: Slaps self.
This page was developed from material presented by Stephen M. Johnson in his excellent technical book, Characterological Transformation. The Hard Work Miracle. (1985). New York: W. W. Norton and Company.
I don't want to be afraid anymore...
I don't want to worry that I'm going to give myself away in the need to feel love...
and I don't want to sift through emeshment and addiction to find enough scraps of pseudo love to try to fill my need....
I want that first... childlike ... natural urge to reach out for love to be my default state...
I want to be able to stand still and let people love me...
I've had so many bent ideas about love...
but...
it's a new day.. and a new way...
thoughts on love anyone..?? ;o)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Yeah. I can relate.
For me, Love = Pain.
Uh huh. Nope. No way.
Healing to be done. Work to do. Give it to HP in the meantime.
Love myself is the first step, I think. Oh, but what a big step that is.
I dunno....
For me, Love = Pain.
Uh huh. Nope. No way.
Healing to be done. Work to do. Give it to HP in the meantime.
Love myself is the first step, I think. Oh, but what a big step that is.
I dunno....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
WOW!! I related to that quote!
Only I added bits to my self talk. I told myself I'd learned to get by without love (like you get used to seeing in the dark). I told myself my thoughts of love were like someones distant memories of daylight long after they began to live without it - fantasy. I got on, I got on living in the dark but that fantasy and yearning carried on as well.
Fleetingly I felt the promise of love and acceptance but knew inside it wasn't real, just real enough to wake up all the feelings of want - a great gaping pile of want. That hurt and I thought it was like a person used to the dark - in the need the daydream is in reality a painful nightmare, just grief of the lack of love. I learned to love outwards to take pleasure from the view to appreciate people and love them lots but not to bother collecting it, maybe it was there, maybe not but I filled one desire with another. I replaced wanting love with enjoying giving it and warmed up about 100 degrees in my outlook. Ten years ago D came in that category.
Then on his second visit after a decade out of touch I knew that being loved back was there. I knew the love I felt was as fresh as it'd begun and this time I didn't want to walk past.
That first night I cried - snot and the whole caboodle, all night, I tore wide open with all the hurt inside while he held me, while he hugged me, while he never changed what he thought of me, while he offered me the same respect unconditionally. That action on his part changed me, I feel loved by friends, I don't exist alone - I'm in daylight without any inclination to cover my eyes!
Without that I think I'd have stayed loving outwards because there was peace and pleasure in that. I don't regret it and try to keep it as a habit, I like people lots and I love people lots and that works for me.
Only I added bits to my self talk. I told myself I'd learned to get by without love (like you get used to seeing in the dark). I told myself my thoughts of love were like someones distant memories of daylight long after they began to live without it - fantasy. I got on, I got on living in the dark but that fantasy and yearning carried on as well.
Fleetingly I felt the promise of love and acceptance but knew inside it wasn't real, just real enough to wake up all the feelings of want - a great gaping pile of want. That hurt and I thought it was like a person used to the dark - in the need the daydream is in reality a painful nightmare, just grief of the lack of love. I learned to love outwards to take pleasure from the view to appreciate people and love them lots but not to bother collecting it, maybe it was there, maybe not but I filled one desire with another. I replaced wanting love with enjoying giving it and warmed up about 100 degrees in my outlook. Ten years ago D came in that category.
Then on his second visit after a decade out of touch I knew that being loved back was there. I knew the love I felt was as fresh as it'd begun and this time I didn't want to walk past.
That first night I cried - snot and the whole caboodle, all night, I tore wide open with all the hurt inside while he held me, while he hugged me, while he never changed what he thought of me, while he offered me the same respect unconditionally. That action on his part changed me, I feel loved by friends, I don't exist alone - I'm in daylight without any inclination to cover my eyes!
Without that I think I'd have stayed loving outwards because there was peace and pleasure in that. I don't regret it and try to keep it as a habit, I like people lots and I love people lots and that works for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: wellington al
Posts: 5
whew, i've loved and been loved back, i love the aa kinda of love once i bonded with the people , it was on, but first i had to see it to believe it. so i saw and wanted some of it. with that attitude it just flowed in way before i knew it. i just got more self-esteem and security.
now let me talk about falling in love with a woman on a intimate level wow diffent story. even though i learned to love God and AA i have a tough time truely trusting and loving at first, my stomach gets all nervous my mind races trying to figure her out. don't want to be rejected (fear of that). it 's weird i stop being my self to certain degree. i allow her to take over it seems like it any way that could be pride i really don't know. so i take the time to write to you and talk about it so maybe i can relax and have a good time. that's what i want to have a good time and not worry am i good looking enough to satisfy her on this level. i have a big interest in a lady now who truely wants to be friends wants to hang out, i can't wait untils she calls love to her voice, i love being in her space but she has a boyfriend which really sucks because i know i can move in without any trouble except i can't do that without going against my spiritual princple, she has left it open on several occasions for me to get involved with her but i won't. i'm to close to God to let that happen my motives would not be pure. i'd rather experience the pain of being love sick than go against my own values. just for today anyway. i will not go against Gods will.
now let me talk about falling in love with a woman on a intimate level wow diffent story. even though i learned to love God and AA i have a tough time truely trusting and loving at first, my stomach gets all nervous my mind races trying to figure her out. don't want to be rejected (fear of that). it 's weird i stop being my self to certain degree. i allow her to take over it seems like it any way that could be pride i really don't know. so i take the time to write to you and talk about it so maybe i can relax and have a good time. that's what i want to have a good time and not worry am i good looking enough to satisfy her on this level. i have a big interest in a lady now who truely wants to be friends wants to hang out, i can't wait untils she calls love to her voice, i love being in her space but she has a boyfriend which really sucks because i know i can move in without any trouble except i can't do that without going against my spiritual princple, she has left it open on several occasions for me to get involved with her but i won't. i'm to close to God to let that happen my motives would not be pure. i'd rather experience the pain of being love sick than go against my own values. just for today anyway. i will not go against Gods will.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
A New Paradigm for Love
by Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol, Ph.D.
A New Paradigm for Love, which might more accurately be called an Ancient Paradigm for Love, since its roots can be found in indigenous cultures around the globe, can help us to replace our dysfunctional ideas about how Love works with genuine heart wisdom. It offers a satisfying alternative to the failures of both traditional marriages based on social and economic duty and modern marriages based on hopes for perpetual romance. It helps transform static intimate relationships based on futile fantasies of security, predictability, and control into vibrant, soul nourishing friendships.
The New Paradigm for Love can best be understood by looking at several key shifts which take place when people interact from this model.
You are the source of Love. It is within you and radiates outward.
Recently, a client called me in tears. As she put it, her latest Prince had turned out to be a Frog. Linda despairingly expressed the fear that there are no "good men," out there. Instead of reassuring her that the world is full of men eager to be loved by her, I suggested that she would do well to immerse herself in the Love inside herself rather than pursuing romance. "Oh yeah, I do great at loving myself," Linda replied, "but I want man to hold me."
"I’m not talking about loving yourself," I responded, I’m talking about finding the Source of Love inside of you.
"What do you mean?" she asked, clearly puzzled. Like many women, Linda had been paying lip service to this New Paradigm concept while continuing to believe that Love comes from a romantic partner.
"When you find the Love within you, it will also manifest in loving relationships," I told her. "You can’t fake it, and until you become your own source of Love your neediness will repel instead of attract Love into your life."
Love is a vibration, an energy, a state of consciousness. It cannot be given and it cannot be received. It is more like tuning your radio. Love is not a pie, which can be cut into slices and eaten up. Or to put it another way, the capacity for Love and the amount of love available are unlimited. Love, unlike money, is not used up by its expenditure.
Grounded relationships are a function of shared purpose, not sex appeal. Think of a triangle where the base is spiritual goals and shared life purpose. The next level up is alignment in values and beliefs, then emotional resonance. Sex is the tip of the triangle. Now turn the triangle upside down and see what happens!
Contracts and agreements designed to ensure that your needs get met undermine Love. Contracts discourage growth, because they take you out of the present and into an imaginary future. Furthermore, you can never negotiate enough agreements to eliminate your internal fears. Better to confront them directly, rather than hide behind a Relationship. Besides, agreements are a set-up for disappointment, for finding fault with your partner, and are best limited to practical details like whose turn it is to cook dinner. Expectations and agendas grow out of a mistaken belief that relationship is about getting your needs met and are also undesirable because we use them to justify judgment and blame instead of working toward unconditional Love. Relationship of any kind flourishes when we stop controlling and pointing the finger at the other and take responsibility for our own unresolved issues.
At a talk I gave recently, one young woman became very agitated when I made a similar statement about the drawbacks of relying on strict rules to keep a relationship together. "What is to prevent an elderly man from dumping his disabled wife," she wanted to know?
"His internal sense of Love and integrity," I said. Rules may be necessary for those whose inner morality is compromised and need external constraints to keep them in line, but the reality is that Love comes and goes as it pleases and is not subject to contracts, rules, and agreements.
by Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol, Ph.D.
A New Paradigm for Love, which might more accurately be called an Ancient Paradigm for Love, since its roots can be found in indigenous cultures around the globe, can help us to replace our dysfunctional ideas about how Love works with genuine heart wisdom. It offers a satisfying alternative to the failures of both traditional marriages based on social and economic duty and modern marriages based on hopes for perpetual romance. It helps transform static intimate relationships based on futile fantasies of security, predictability, and control into vibrant, soul nourishing friendships.
The New Paradigm for Love can best be understood by looking at several key shifts which take place when people interact from this model.
You are the source of Love. It is within you and radiates outward.
Recently, a client called me in tears. As she put it, her latest Prince had turned out to be a Frog. Linda despairingly expressed the fear that there are no "good men," out there. Instead of reassuring her that the world is full of men eager to be loved by her, I suggested that she would do well to immerse herself in the Love inside herself rather than pursuing romance. "Oh yeah, I do great at loving myself," Linda replied, "but I want man to hold me."
"I’m not talking about loving yourself," I responded, I’m talking about finding the Source of Love inside of you.
"What do you mean?" she asked, clearly puzzled. Like many women, Linda had been paying lip service to this New Paradigm concept while continuing to believe that Love comes from a romantic partner.
"When you find the Love within you, it will also manifest in loving relationships," I told her. "You can’t fake it, and until you become your own source of Love your neediness will repel instead of attract Love into your life."
Love is a vibration, an energy, a state of consciousness. It cannot be given and it cannot be received. It is more like tuning your radio. Love is not a pie, which can be cut into slices and eaten up. Or to put it another way, the capacity for Love and the amount of love available are unlimited. Love, unlike money, is not used up by its expenditure.
Grounded relationships are a function of shared purpose, not sex appeal. Think of a triangle where the base is spiritual goals and shared life purpose. The next level up is alignment in values and beliefs, then emotional resonance. Sex is the tip of the triangle. Now turn the triangle upside down and see what happens!
Contracts and agreements designed to ensure that your needs get met undermine Love. Contracts discourage growth, because they take you out of the present and into an imaginary future. Furthermore, you can never negotiate enough agreements to eliminate your internal fears. Better to confront them directly, rather than hide behind a Relationship. Besides, agreements are a set-up for disappointment, for finding fault with your partner, and are best limited to practical details like whose turn it is to cook dinner. Expectations and agendas grow out of a mistaken belief that relationship is about getting your needs met and are also undesirable because we use them to justify judgment and blame instead of working toward unconditional Love. Relationship of any kind flourishes when we stop controlling and pointing the finger at the other and take responsibility for our own unresolved issues.
At a talk I gave recently, one young woman became very agitated when I made a similar statement about the drawbacks of relying on strict rules to keep a relationship together. "What is to prevent an elderly man from dumping his disabled wife," she wanted to know?
"His internal sense of Love and integrity," I said. Rules may be necessary for those whose inner morality is compromised and need external constraints to keep them in line, but the reality is that Love comes and goes as it pleases and is not subject to contracts, rules, and agreements.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
I can relate too well, too, BW. Thoughts on love? I think Phinny has it right - you have to love yourself first. Gabe added an interesting twist with her post.
I don't really have anything to add - too deep in my own head at the moment. Which isn't a good thing, I know... I'm working on wading out of it.
Thanks for sharing.. you always bring an eloquence to the table, so to speak. You certainly are not alone in your feelings.
--anne
I don't really have anything to add - too deep in my own head at the moment. Which isn't a good thing, I know... I'm working on wading out of it.
Thanks for sharing.. you always bring an eloquence to the table, so to speak. You certainly are not alone in your feelings.
--anne
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Gabe - that explains alot. I think peace is love outwards - not entanglement but pleasure in who others are. I found that before a partner and still believe it matters as much as it did then. Quite apart from anything else you don't have to wait for it - you simply start living that way whenever you feel ready - at least that was my experience.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Love is a vibration, an energy, a state of consciousness. It cannot be given and it cannot be received. It is more like tuning your radio.
...this is what I feel with my friend Paul...
Or to put it another way, the capacity for Love and the amount of love available are unlimited. Love, unlike money, is not used up by its expenditure.
Grounded relationships are a function of shared purpose, not sex appeal.
that's a new concept for me..... lol
Contracts and agreements designed to ensure that your needs get met undermine Love. Contracts discourage growth, because they take you out of the present and into an imaginary future. Furthermore, you can never negotiate enough agreements to eliminate your internal fears. Better to confront them directly, rather than hide behind a Relationship.
my secret deals with Normy....
once I ended the relationship in my mind... I stopped with the secret deals.. and started seeing him as a seperate person...
Besides, agreements are a set-up for disappointment, for finding fault with your partner, and are best limited to practical details like whose turn it is to cook dinner.
Expectations and agendas grow out of a mistaken belief that relationship is about getting your needs met and are also undesirable because we use them to justify judgment and blame instead of working toward unconditional Love. Relationship of any kind flourishes when we stop controlling and pointing the finger at the other and take responsibility for our own unresolved issues.
I must be singular... for my issues will only always push me to always get out...
and it's debiliatating to me to fight that on a daily.. weekly.. monthy.. yearly basis...
don want that no mo...
for it's something that I cannot allay...
"His internal sense of Love and integrity,"
Thanks Gabe... ;o)
Can;t tell ya how much it means to me to have someone else present in a studied article that which validates what has been goin round in my head.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: QUEENS, NY
Posts: 200
Wow, Gabe
You have just put in writing what my therapist has been trying to drum into my head for years, thankfully I am now starting to get it.
I am blown away just to read that in one piece.
Thank you, Rose
You have just put in writing what my therapist has been trying to drum into my head for years, thankfully I am now starting to get it.
I am blown away just to read that in one piece.
Thank you, Rose
Dreamlike...Now
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 707
Such a wonderful thread.
I personally have learned first hand that love is essentially what I am at the core of my existence. I have learned to love freely and openly, realizing that although another may dissapoint me, they cannot hurt or destroy this inner love. The more I am concsiously tuned to the love that radiates from my soul, the more love I attract, naturally, from others.
I personally have learned first hand that love is essentially what I am at the core of my existence. I have learned to love freely and openly, realizing that although another may dissapoint me, they cannot hurt or destroy this inner love. The more I am concsiously tuned to the love that radiates from my soul, the more love I attract, naturally, from others.
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