Don W

I understand not everyone is in a position to do this. This time around I included my wife in recovery. In the past I kept her in the dark and controlled the knowledge she recieved. This time as sort of a roadblock I included her. I had her meet with my counselors and signed releases for them to talk. This has worked to help us both. I can't pull any, " Well, the V A says it's OK to drink coke at the VFW." However, there is a plus. Sometimes when we are too close it is hard to explain feelings and thought patterns. She and my counselor can talk and she understands. Mind you, this is giving up alot of control. In my case it was needed. I would lie and cheat and twist the facts.
This prevented me not from drinking but, falling back on old behavior. This is only a suggestion that worked for me. Consider it. The bottom line? if you include family and friends in your program you recieve help. My wife has been instrumental in pointing out approaching problems. Example, I thought I was fine without my medication. Because she was informed, honestly, she was able to say," You need medication." This makes sense, because for a long time I thought I was OK drinking. Recovery is a partnership but, only if you allow it. Don W

Ann

Don, my son shared his recovery with me in many ways that helped me understand addiction and all that goes with it...relapse, recovery, PAWS, and many other things I had no clue about. He did this by taking me to many open meetings, where I listened rather than share because I was there to learn about them, and also because I respected that this was my son's meeting and any stories were his to tell, not mine. I had my own CoDA meetings to share about me. I did meet his sponsors, and also respected his relationship with them, so kept our conversations respectful of that.

He also invited me to the annual NA conference for Ontario each year, which had Nar-Anon meetings for friends and family, and terrific speakers and a great fellowship.

All of this made a huge difference and helped me to accept reality. Combined with working my own program it helped me relate to both sides of addiction.

For me, the key thing was, to stay out of his recovery. Learning all I did really did help me, but it didn't mean I had any right to tell him how or when to work his program. We often talked about our programs with each other, and he came to several open CoDA meetings with me.

I think that doing this made our relationship even closer, good days and bad, and made each of us more accepting of the other, even when we totally disagreed with what they were doing.

I agree with what you said, this may not be workable for some people, but I am grateful for the good way it worked for me.

Hugs
Ann

equus

My husband used an alcohol advisory service - they recommended joint counselling and a teamwork approach for us. It has had incredible results!! It's hard for me to imagine it any other way now, we work as individual members of a partnership supporting each other.

This is in NO way a comment against AA, the advisory service we used hosted AA and Al-Anon meetings but D and I were advised not to use that route by the counsellor. She felt that other issues with D would make it less successful for him and that our relationship was a real strength we could use by being very involved with what was happening with each other.

I think it's been more realistic for us too because we are very close, it was more compatable with our approach to all things outside of alcohol. We do our own thing (he's upstairs now on his game!!) but offer quite a bit of support both ways.

Don W

Like Ann and you both mentioned, I think that knowledge plays an important part in a relationship and recovery. You can't nor should someone try to run the recovery. However, those times when I just need to be alone, my wife has learned to indentify them and step away. That is most difficult to learn, when to step back or aside during ones' recovery. As much as we try and want to, we can't make everything and one better. We had some problems when I would say something like, just leave me alone for awhile. She would be hurt and not understand that it was me, in my head. I think some came from while using she needed to take care of me. In recovery a partner or family member needs to learn that this isn't needed anymore. Like a child learning to walk. You can't break every fall that happens. All you can do is be there lend a hand up, reassure and let go. Both of you help me to understand more of her side. As you know, information is needed for both. I've also learned how to say leave me alone in a different way. Debby, I'm off a little and need some time alone. I'll be at my hang out, Dunkin Donuts.

Ann

Don, I remember my son saying to me, "sometimes I just need to have a bad day"...meaning "stop trying to fix everything in my life".

Sharing recovery, to me, means also recognizing and respecting each other's need for their own space, their own time, and their own need to do whatever needs doing that may exclude the other person.

This topic is making me think, and that's a good thing, yes?

Hugs
Ann

equus

I think part of that is just knowing each other too. Even without alcohol in the equation D has always liked his own space. He's a bookworm, computer bod - I like chatting, spending time with friends and sport. I think what matters is how rather than how much we come together.

I look at being close as what you share of yourself with the other one, the level of comfort I feel around D and wanting each other. Daft stuff like giving each other a hug when we come in or go to work, having a cuddle at morning time and before sleep. And yeah, when counselling on his own was too much me going with him, or like tomorrow when he'll drive me to the airport for a 4 day holiday with my best mate because a real break after a hard couple of months is needed.

Does that sort of make sense?

Don W

Yes it does make sense. I think some of our problems is because I met her after 5 years sober. Then I chose to drink again. I had stopped going to meetings and conviced her and myself that if I stopped for 5 years maybe I didn't have a problem. I had a few drinks on honeymoon and was fine. Within 2 or 3 weeks I was drinking more the 5 years before. Anyway, I changed and she didn't know the new/old Don. So we spent 8 or 9 years just being together with little happiness. This is why in the last 2 1/2 years we've had to recover and learn. Heck, until I started treating my PTSD, other than with alcohol, I didn't even know myself. During that 5 years I just continued to stuff the sexual/physical abuse and the Vietnam experence. I can now see that I was still holding onto bad behaviors. I was an alcoholic that hadn't drank in 5 years. I wasn't in recovery/sobriety. Don W

Ann

Your wife sounds like a very special lady, Don, and I know you're a very special man. How good it is that you both were able to work through this together.

Hugs
Ann