Aellyce

I like the title of this subforum and will post more potentially controversial but interesting questions here. This one is about how to find the best balance between focusing on sobriety/recovery, thinking and doing things specifically for that, and just living and enjoying our new life as people who do not engage in addictive behaviors? I'm interested in opinions and experiences especially because the so-called "recovery work" can sometimes become and obsession on its own. I personally don't want substitute obsessions that are very dominant, but feel that I'm perhaps spending too much time and thought on it every day, it hardly ever leaves my mind while I'm awake currently.

I know this also changes as we progress on our sober journey, and I'm interested in your experiences with that dynamic as well.

I personally prefer a view for myself that "recovery" involves quitting the addiction for good and trying to restore whatever negatives it caused in our lives, but I would not include general self-improvement and self-actualization as recovery if they are not directly related to the past addiction. I have always been into those and will always be, independently of the alcohol addiction I've overcome. For example, working on my career now is not recovery for me as nothing was destroyed by my drinking, it's just a new phase in my professional life. Working on improving my integrity and discipline, being a responsible person is not recovery for me as I see it much more as a normal human developmental challenge, even though my alcoholism expanded problems in those areas. And I'm never sure how much time it is really useful to spend thinking about my past alcohol problem, to hang out in a recovery community, and discuss these things. I don't feel it's a threat to become another addiction for me at the moment as I can easily moderate it and switch focus at will when I want, but so far have not invested much energy into regulating it and wonder if I should. For example, is it useful for me to post all these threads so frequently, then spend a lot of time following them? I always enjoy the discussion, but how much of it is useful is a question, and how to measure that.

How do folks assess these things and determine if you have a good balance at any given stage?

DriGuy

I wouldn't worry about that too much. In the beginning, recovery is important enough to override any and all other issues, and I think you will move on naturally without thinking about it much when the time is right. You already are heading that way from what I can tell.

It's easy to notice that some people never seem to move on. They may be committed to a lifetime of AA in a way that doesn't make sense to others. But maybe that's all they really want. If you expect more out of life for yourself, follow your heart and do it. One of the things that brings me contentment is doing what I want, and that includes not doing what I don't want.

As I said above, I just do what I want and focus on what I want. I have thought about the very things you mention above, but for the most part have decided they are not that important to spend too much time thinking about. Things like personal growth are still important, but like you I don't think they are relevant to the big "QUIT" (but they might be for others). However, the "quit" helps facilitate personal grown, so there is a connection, and a good reason to perfect both.

Is there some kind of balance necessary? That I need "balance in my life" is something I've heard or read from others who mean well, but where that balance is beats me. I can think of types of people who's lives are lopsided, but satisfying. Think about the musician who spends hours perfecting his/her skills. There is no traditional meaning of balance at play there at all, yet the rewards are immensely satisfying. Would you tell a gifted musician to stop practicing so hard?

Aellyce

Well, I have been "doing what I want" to a very high degree in my whole life, in part that led to the alcoholism, some other excesses, and related issues of irresponsibility. Also, in my specific case, right now all is fine and I can indeed afford to spend my time and energy on whatever every day, as I'm on vacation. But eventually I will return to a pretty busy working life (would not necessarily need to be so focused on work so much but I have always liked my career and am excited about the upcoming phase as well). So I am thinking a bit ahead of time as I don't want to develop bad habits, new mental clinging and behaviors now that will be hard to shred later on, especially now that I'll be 100% self-employed - will be free to do what I want indeed, more my own person than ever.

So, I would say, self-regulated balance will be necessary in my life at least, and I also like that idea more than engaging in things obsessively and excessively, although not all obsessions are bad by any means... I can definitely thank many of my successes (including insights and realizations) to a tendency for intense focus and preoccupation. In that sense, I am like that musician already by default quite a bit (always related to the idea of the creative spirit, wanting to immerse in things deeply), so won't tell anyone else what to do, why I am asking other views instead . I can definitely imagine all this naturally changing though with time, as I also tend to move on pretty easily from things that are no longer relevant and useful.

DriGuy

Drinking can be an obsession and so might an enjoyable career or hobby. I think the main issue here may be in separating the bad ones from the good ones. Once that has been done, balance doesn't seem that important. For myself, I am seldom more happy when I am fully engaged with whatever passion might be most important to me, even if others may think it's an obsession.

Aellyce

Yes, separating the good ones from the bad ones is a good point. That can change with time and context though. For the recovery-related preoccupations, they may be necessary and 100% good in the beginning, especially if one has the time and freedom like I do now, but the same level would likely turn negative in a context when I want more room for other occupations. I guess we just need to evaluate this critically and sensibly at each stage and context.

Really? This was surprising for me to hear, to the point I was wondering if it was an error in the sentence. Why is it good to do whatever you want in that case? Also begs the question how "happy" is defined, if that is the ultimate goal and measure to use for evaluating progress and situations.

DriGuy

I don't mean it was good, and it is not the ultimate goal and measure to use for evaluating progress and situations.. It's just something that makes me happy. Also doing what makes you happy may have consequences, and you don't always seem them coming. So you have to pay attention to your environment both internal and external, and try to avoid mistakes. We make them sometimes. There are shades of grey. And none of this is problem free, certified, or guaranteed. For example, if you stop paying enough attention to your sobriety, you will probably be the first to know.

Aellyce

Taking into account the larger, more holistic picture of what is constructive vs. momentary wishes and whatever I want to do was exactly where I came from when I made the OP. So, in that context, arguing that a larger, more sensible balance is not necessary, and just do what we want, is not that constructive, at least not always. Because what we want (well, at least I want) in any given moment can be in stark contradiction with my longer-term, bigger goals and best interest. Just like the desire for drinking vs. living a fulfilling life.

Anyway, I'll let others chime in on all this before the thread gets too circular .

nez

adapted (without shame ) from a Zen koan:
“The novice says to the master, ‘What does one do when just living normal life?’
‘Chop wood. Carry water,’ replies the master.
The novice asks, ‘What, then, does one do when doing recovery work?’
‘Chop wood. Carry water.'”

Aellyce

I like this. Not sure if I interpret it as it was intended, but what I hear is basically that living normal life is recovery, and vice versa, whatever that means to someone. There may not be any need to look for more complexity in it - I tend to do that too often, but at the same time one of the things I appreciate the most is simple, elegant explanations, approaches and truths.

Also, I'm thinking now that perhaps just applying simple logic to this would work. If I am worried that I may be "wasting" time and energy on thinking about my addiction and recovery, engaging in the community etc now or at some later time - then just do less. Get the experience and use it. See if that resolves the dilemma, is more satisfying, or if it's satisfying and safe enough. I said in the OP that I don't feel this is compulsive or addiction-like much and can decide whenever to moderate or do whatever with it - then do just that, instead of wondering about it. Sort of like the alcoholism itself - if it's bothersome, we need to do something about it, not resolvable with thinking and discussion.

Dee74

Self improvement was part of my recovery, tho.

For me drinking was a symptomatic of a greater malaise, a loss of spirit, so I had to dig deeper than just not drinking.

But, in the beginning, when not drinking was the primary objective, there was not much between my day to day life and my recovery life. I was in a position where I could give it all I had.

In time the self improvement aim - do good have purpose - bought me back out into the wider world and things stabilised.

Now years later just as I need to shower and brush my teeth and comb my hair, I do a little daily inventory and try to carry the do good have purpose mantra with me, without necessarily devoting a large part of brain time to it.

It’s one of those apps running in the background most days.

D

least

My recovery work, now, at over 11 yrs sober, consists of being grateful - for everything, but mostly for my sobriety. Being so grateful for my sobriety means, as Dee said, it's like an app running in the background. My sobriety is now ingrained into me and cannot be separated from the rest of my life. I go about my daily routine and the attitude of gratitude is always with me.

MrsLecter

A very interesting topic, thank you!

When I first got sober over 3 years ago, my life was consumed by "recovery work" i.e. going to daily 12 step meetings, writing all my thoughts down, speaking to my sponsor but it was also full of learning how to live again like doing my laundry and actually showering and brushing my teeth! The last items might not be considered recovery work, but for me, they still are because 3 years on, I know that neglecting my home and myself is a sign that my mental health is hitting a rough patch and that I need to be vigilant and reach out for support and talk to someone.

There are now a few things everyday that I do which say my husband who isn't in recovery doesn't do, and those are checking in with people I've met through the 12 step programme, reading a bit of the Big Book and writing a gratitude list. I'd consider those three things recovery work but they're also so embedded in my daily life that I don't have a defined line between "normal" time and "recovery" time as recovery has given me my life.

Aellyce

I really like the metaphor of an app running in the background . That would already fit to how I deal with my AV now, it's a decision and an awareness that's always on and does not take much effort anymore. Took a while for me to develop that mental state but now it seems quite stable, but I still actively think about it and about everything recovery a lot every day. Sounds like what most of you are saying is that, with time, recovery just naturally blends in and becomes an automatic part of who we are, not an effort or preoccupation - that makes a lot of sense and is very encouraging.

least

Yes, my recovery is such a natural part of my life, I don't have to think about it cause I'm always living it. But the best tool in my recovery toolbox is gratitude. That has made all the difference to me and firmly cemented my resolve to stay sober for the rest of my life.

Aellyce

I would love to find/develop something simple that I can practice in the future daily or so, as part of a routine, to remind me of my recovery. Things like some of you mentioned about reading something specifically for this purpose or gratitude. I would like something new and unique though, something I haven't already been doing in general. I went to meetings for about two months last year and it was great then, but I no longer do it and don't think I would want to in the future. I also do a lot of reading every day, including inspirational messages and following people I admire and can learn from online.

Agree that gratitude is so important and can be a great tool for someone who picks it up in recovery. I had to work with some people in the past who seemed unable to exercise any gratitude and see things positively, and it was very hard for me. I learned how to manage those relationships, but it can be a drag and so not my style. For me, it's kinda part of my default to be grateful for many things and I love my life - it's mostly my creation, have been lucky to have a great deal of freedom for it since childhood, and I like what I've made of it. I easily and automatically think of many things I am grateful for in my life every day, and usually find silver linings even in the most challenging situations (perhaps in part because I like challenge). May not necessarily be obvious for others as I am also a critical thinker, but my internal world is like that, even the drinking didn't damage that much, pretty much only depression could interfere in major ways, luckily only transiently. So I would say practicing gratitude is already integrated into who I am. Probably I can thank some of this attitude to my father, who was a very optimistic person until his last two years, and encouraged me in everything from very early on.

I very much like this idea about keeping one simple thing for the long haul. My profession actually has a lot of opportunities to deal with addiction and recovery, even to help, but I also want something specific and simple for myself that does not take a lot of time and energy out of my days, like some of you do. Will think about it, this is actually a very constructive and forward-looking task to spend some mental energy on .

GerandTwine

Organize a co-op to set up a teetotal bar/coffeehouse/nightclub somewhere in that giant metropolis.

Aellyce

Haha GT, there are already places like that here, so would have to come up with context that is at least somewhat different from them. Something like that might be a pretty good investment though right now as things are opening up and people are hungry for entertainment and socializing, plus surely the pandemic has led many people deeper into their drinking/drugging. Also rents are still on the lower side and there is no mass business migration back yet into the city after so many people left. Part of the reason I didn't leave was because I thought there would be a lot of room and many opportunities here once the pandemic subsides, in spite of the fears of many entrepreneurs who had pretty limited vision... It's great for me that I got sober during this time and now ready to do cool things .