Redmayne

Help, my mind is trying to kill me... I often find even though I've been 'safe, sane (jury is still out on that one!) and sober well over nine years. That my mind is trying to trick me!

I can be five people before I've finished shaving, fall in love at the mere gaze of a tv female newscaster who is talking to millions not just me, procrastinate endlessly over the most simple, often personal decisions etc. etc...

So that, albeit the first prayer said in my daily prayers and meditations is 'The Serenity Prayer', I often find the only way to stop me being held hostage to my mind is to in a firm, measured, objective at times detached manner remind myself that , drunk or sober. I am an alcoholic, granted a 'high, functioning one' although to be honest I prefer the description 'friendly, able and intelligent' see he book 'Alcoholics Anonymous' one.

Which is the one thing that breaks 'the curse' and stills my mind...in a manner that is simple and expedient...

Now, I would say that I'm having a 'senior moment' but from past experience others , in recovery have mentioned the same phenomena..but it would be nice, simply by way of sharing, experience,strength and hope to hear from others on SR who both share this experience and how they deal with it?

PhoenixJ

Every moment of every day...that smell connects to that thought related to this memory. Then the emotion kicks in- which then opens up the 'unfinished business' memory file. That is between the bed, opening the curtains, putting on the kettle and going outside for my constitutional health ciggie. The first 4 minutes of the new day. Then I ground- do the mindful crap, shout at the universe, then proceed to get on with the day..rinse........

Everything I hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything I see is a perspective, not the truth...(apols Marcus).

Redmayne

Great response thank you. I like the reference to 'unfinished business' perhaps because there is so much in mine, particularly in the area of personal and professional relationships and pursuit careers... I like the Marcus Aurelius, in purely practical terms, quote to.

There is much to be said of the the final para. on p.164 of 'Alcoholics Anonymous' 4th Ed. 'clear away the wreckage of the past' which often in my case exists in the present to! My thanks again...

Every so often I start thinking I'm someone or something I'm not and develop a 'monkey mind' when a well placed 'kick in the pants' serves to treturn me to reality.

RDBplus3

Great Topic and Post Redmayne!

You describe me exactly... and since you asked, LOL ...

This is how I use some of the 'Tools' I have to maintain the 'Miracle' of my Freedom, Sanity, Sobriety, and 'Spiritual Condition':

+ I apply each of the 12 Steps to any situation that is grinding on me, and evokes my Flesh Nature Feelings, or 'Auto-Brain Insanity' to take control. I use the statement in the AA Big Book, that these are ‘suggestions’ which I now utilize to adapt each step to how the Principle(s) of each Step can apply to me utilizing the Principles of the Program, instead of being a hostage to being ‘Feeling Driven’ or letting my Auto-Brain Insanity run amok.

+ I say the 3rd Step Prayer and the 11th Step Prayer, to insert concepts completely foreign to the Self-Will-run-Riot justification of my Feelings or Thinking run amok. Kind of like a Reverse Virus for my Bio-computer.

+ I say the Serenity Prayer - not just a rote repetition, I consider how each concept can actually apply in any given situation - Is there anything constructive I actually can do, and ask for the drive, energy, and dedication to do it - and I truly welcome God in, to help with Acceptance, Wisdom, and Serenity.

+ I use the ‘Sick S.O.B.’ method of Forgiveness. I realize that we ALL have a Fallen Nature, and I am NOT going to let some Sick S.O.B. drive my thoughts, feelings, and behavior, and I am especially NOT going to let that Sick S.O.B. compromise my FREEDOM. I can also actually ask God if He has a way to bring that person into a working relationship with Him, and ask if there is anything I can do to help that happen. If not - maybe Serenity Prayer time?

+ When something is churning in me, I contemplate these 2 concepts from the AA Big Book - Am I Manufacturing My Own Misery … and what am I doing to Absolutely Insist on Being Happy, Joyous and Free. When I catch myself in Self Pity, I realize it is so pathetic, that alone can often snap me out of it. Also, No-one, especially me, goes around with a Clown Face on all the time, being H, J & F. However, I know from Working the Program, that when I am agitated inside, I am to look at what I am doing inside to manufacture it or perpetuate it. Just experiencing the FREEDOM from being controlled by my old Flesh Nature Feelings brings the reality of being Happy, Joyous and FREE.

+ I crowd out negative Thoughts and Feelings, sometimes by repeating:
God Direct My Thinking …
God Direct My Thinking …
God Direct My Thinking …

RDBplus3 … H, J & F

herculana

I have not much to add here, but only deep appreciation for this conversation and this wisdom, and the writing and the reflection... Both of you <3
HELPFUL.

Here are some quotes it made me remember:

“We all have the same inner life,” the great painter Agnes Martin observed. “The difference lies in the recognition. "

At thirty-nine, Emerson writes:

To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, — that is genius. Speak your latent conviction, and it shall be the universal sense; for the inmost in due time becomes the outmost.

In a sentiment his soul-brother Henry David Thoreau would come to echo a decade later, Emerson laments the ease with which we accept the judgments and opinions of others as objective truth while dismissing our own — a lamentation all the timelier a century and a half later, as the 24-hour media cycle feeds us ready-made opinions under the guise of objective news:

A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his. In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. Great works of art have no more affecting lesson for us than this. They teach us to abide by our spontaneous impression with good-humored inflexibility then most when the whole cry of voices is on the other side. Else to-morrow a stranger will say with masterly good sense precisely what we have thought and felt all the time, and we shall be forced to take with shame our own opinion from another.

Nearly four decades before Nietzsche wrote that “no one can build you the bridge on which you, and only you, must cross the river of life,” Emerson admonishes that “imitation is suicide” and counsels:

The power which resides in [each person] is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried.

[…]

Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.

Awake61

This time around and I know I have no relapses left, I have been using Eckhart Tolle's meditations first thing in the morning. Keeping a journal, coming here and not looking back any more. The present is all I have.

herculana

And quick explanation: Those passages were brought in... because of the quality of insight and writing in your post, and your willingness to share it with others.. <3

Redmayne

Thank you, your responses have you as an articulate, intelligent woman from whom I could probably learn, along with others, a lot...

PhoenixJ

herc- you have got it, by jove- resonates well. You are a perceptive person. Thank you for you clarity and insight.

Gottalife

The present wreckage, I use step ten. To me, promptly means now, at once, not next week or next year. From early days I learned the folly of sitting on a wrong. The past is dealt with and has become an asset rather than a liability.

I am lucky being of British birth, but living in the colonies. It is widely accepted that the British can be a bit eccentric, so no one else seems to be too bothered by my little quirks. The two prayers I use most are situational ones... please send me the right thought or action for this situation, or please take these stupid thoughts away. They have been unbelievably effective, providing instant guidance and inspiration.

Not being too bright, deep analysis is not the thing for me, I just get confused and paralyzed.Analysis paralysis. So key things for me are keep it simple, and rule 62.

Redmayne

Given that my life thus far reflects the second part of the title of Soko Morinaga's book 'Novice to Master - An Ongoing Lesson in The Extent of My Own Stupidity' and the suggestion that I to am not to bright, that stems from it. I like the maxim,'Keep it simple.'

Together with the suggestion in Sun Tzu's book 'The Art of War', which is about life itself really that you should control events otherwise events will control you...

Freezer

You need inner strenght to be fully sober. It can be generated only by health life-style = veganism + buddhish = it's my opinion

Redmayne

Given, as I understand it alcoholism is a twofold disease/illness consisting of a physical allergy and a mental obsession I'd say the things you refer to certainly help, along with others e.g. Stoic philosophy, which compliments Buddhism also can be found in the words of 'The Serenity Prayer'... thank you.

Fly N Buy

My experience is the use of both passage mediation and mantram help discipline my wandering mind. Of course I have to actually do something which requires effort - because of this my ego encourages a play day and likes to focus on itself avoiding such fruitful endeavors. It stomps up and down and says don't forget about ME. Let's just be pirates or astronauts.

Redmayne

Excellent! I'd suggest, we must all become more self aware as opposed to self absorbed, the difference between the two might be,when we realise that we should, especially in recovery, always remain open to constructive comment or criticism as opposed to 'shutting ourselves off from the sunlight'. It's all a question of our perception not just of others, but ourselves, echoed in the fact that whilst others may share their experience, strength and hope with us, sobriety is an individual responsibility, however you may pursue it. If it works for you great! If it doesn't, change your perception/principles it's all, as Marcus Aurelius said,in your way of not only thinking but acting on those thoughts.