Redmayne

One of the most important things I learned in recovery, I learned from my son today is to, when engaging someone else in conversation is to steer clear of self validation and ensure that whatever they have to share with you gets your undivided attention.

Do that and before you know it not only will you have theirs but you'll not only get their respect but it's a respect in themselves, that they'll remember about you...

This, I feel is most useful when sharing your experience, strength and hope to help others, including yourself, recover...

entropy1964

So true Red.

JimmyJam

I have to admit i have been guilty of that. Thank you for reminding me Red.........Jim

Redmayne

I always both post and respond to threads on the basis of sharing my experience, strength and hope with others , including myself to help us all recover ... ' Either we all count or no one counts,' in the words of the fictional character 'Harry Bosch' created by Michael Connolly.

dox

So true.
I see this in others (self validation) on a daily basis.
I find it more difficult to catch myself at it; until it seems as if it's too late.
When I do find myself talking about myself (again) I think to my self: "Here I go again."
Then I ask a question about the other person and listen like my life depends on it, perhaps asking follow-up questions as well.
But, sometimes it is too late -- the conversation has moved on.

Thanks for reminding us, Redmayne.
Now, if only I could remember this lesson before I open my big gob.

This "bondage of self" is a difficult one for me to wriggle out of.
I have to work on it daily.
I need Help.

zerothehero

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." -Stephen Covey

Mac1

Thanks for sharing this Red - a great point.

silentrun

That's a problem I have to work on too. I was actually trained as a kid by my evangelical church to listen with the intent to respond. When someone's talking I am actually trying to come up with I am going to say next instead of really hearing them.

The hard part seems to be in the realizing that I am doing something that isn't healthy.

Spacegoat

Yep, I find myself doing this also at times. Thanks for the post

Michelle644

I am also guilty of this.

Redmayne

Not to worry, you're in good company, the most common traits I carried with me in my drinking days were fear, guilt, low self esteem and self loathing, as , I'd suggest do many others...in recovery they disappeared, not overnight!

But, just as I did my drinking learning to recognise and accept my recovery and the gift not just of sobriety but prolonged sobriety that came with it as a new more positive and meaningful way of life...which you can't buy or fake.

SoberLeigh

Agreed, Red.

Redmayne

Bearing in mind the fact that my drinking almost killed me and has killed others I've known both personally and publicly I've also learned that even after leading the delusional life of 'a high functioning alcoholic', jury's still out on that one!

I've also had to recognise and accept, perhaps stemming from my efforts to make spiritual progress and ridding myself of those other things that got in my way. The constant striving for power, wealth, status etc. that play a large part of many others lives.

Has come the realization that not only, in recovery do I not see the world in the same terms as others but the recognition that the only thing we really own is good mental health ...

fripfrop

What is "self validation" when talking to someone?
Is it when someone is telling you something and you say "yes, that happened to me?"
If it is, is that not trying to be empathic?
Sorry if I sound a bit thick, I'm sure I'm a bit of an emotional cripple!

Jamie1

Hi there, thanks for letting know about your story. I think the lesson you shared from your recovery experience will help many addicted people here to quit addiction.

Redmayne

I've no problem with, in recovery, with identification after all that's what the personal stories in the book, 'Alcoholics Anonymous' are there for ... I do have a problem with people who find it necessary to self validate..sharing and identifying with another a common problem or interest is very much an important part of recovery.

What I think used to be called and may be still is, 'bragging rights' don't come into it, after all to use a line from 'Breaking Bad', "Just because you shot Jesse James doesn't make you, Jesse James."

MIRecovery

Guilty as charged