jazpoppy

I have been avoiding people for a while, not going to meetings and not caring much about what happens. I am back in denial I think. I am going to buy beer tonight and drink this weekend. I have fell off anyways. I used Crystal Meth about a month ago, then drank beers with my neighbor 2 weeks ago. I haven't done anything for 2 weeks, but tonight I want to get good and hammered. I got rid of my sponsor and I am avoiding all of my recovery friends. I am too embarrased to call anyone. I don't even know why I decided to write this, probably because I know I should stay away from the mood altering substances, but I don't want to. Its that little devil :saroll: on my shoulder winning out for the past month. I hate him, but he loves me. Sorry to let everyone here down, and sometimes I am sorry that I even exist, but I have to live for my 7-year-old son. Hope everyone here is doing better than me.

jaz

bikewench

I love ya regardless Jazz...

Come back when your ready.

In memory of miracle

I am sorry to hear that you have relapsed and are not ready to get clean yet . I am especially saddened to read that you have a child who will be affected by your using , play the tape all the way to the end Jazz...prayers ^ Trish

ChrisMan

Jazz,

So good that you posted here. You didn't have to, but you did. Something worthy of reflection, that for some reason you wanted to post here first. Interesting, isn't it?

Please post again, even if you feel bad about what happened. Choose the path of recovery and you will be much happier.

ChrisMan

splendra

Jazz-

This truely is a safe place!!! Put an on that other shoulder

Cap3

Thank you for sharring the truth about where you are at,today.Been there too.I too felt embarrased after my going back out to call those folks at the meetings.I felt this way until i realised,,that some of them too have come and gone and come back again,also.They have experience with this,and that they can help me..And i knew where to go for ..help...You say that you,"want" to get hammered,tonite.There is a difference between wanting,and ,,actually,,,doing it.When i went back out,i didnt dissappoint anyone.but....myself.....It was myself that i let down.No remorse can change that.It happened..But positive action can change me.Doing the do things,in recovery programs, helps me to forgive myself,because this remorse i had inside of me,i felt,just as well keep , drinking,to heck with it all.I told myself alot of things...I was still sick.Using my sick mind,and believing all that i said to myself.The key word is,,for me..sick..So,i just hauled my butt to meetings...I didnt want to,but i went anyways.And i listend,And i just started to do the do things.Eventually my mind became clearer.,step2..There are things in my life that i dont want to do,but need to do.And this is one of them..I needed,not wanted,at the time,Go to meetings,read the books,,etc,,etc..,regardless...It was through ...action...that eventually i wanted to go to meetings..Sounds backwards,,i guess,,but this is how it happened.,for me..when i came back to recovery programs....smile...
You say,i have to live for my 7-year-old son...
Both you and your son are in my thoughts and prayers...
God Bless,,take care,,,
You are no longer,all,alone...

jazpoppy

You all are great human beings and I am gratefull for that.vgfrvvvvvvv I keep fighting with my brain. I keep thinking "go back to AA", then I think I am not really an alcoholic (never had the DTs from not drinking, can go a long time without drinking, don't feel obsessed about it) and I am not a drug addict I just went through a short phase of drug use (about 6 months of physical addiction, but years of periodic abuse), but deep down, I feel wrong about the denial. When I used, I couldn't stop without detoxing, when I drank I drove, when I drank I had sex when I didn't really want to, when I drank I acted dumb. So what does it all mean? I did drink my beers this weekend, but thank god I was not feeling well enough to get drunk. Maybe next time, I think, if there is a next time...

jaz

ChrisMan

Great to hear from you Jaz!

Keep working the program and working the Steps. It works if you work it!

Please keep in touch. You have friends here.

jazpoppy

Again it is hard to let go of my past, and also hard to let go of the support from all of you here at SR. Thanks.

Jaz

dotcom

hi jaz,

keep posting and i will be praying for you. my doc is meth, its a you know what. i hope you keep posting and reaching out for some hope!!

hugs,

longboarder

ps we've all been there, so dont feel ashamed or alone.

Sandy Marie

Hey Jazpoppy,
Sorry to hear the demon got the best of you. It's not too late. Sit back and read Don's posts on the Friday Affirmation thread. He'll put you back in the right Light.
Sandy