Alcoholism and egomania.
Redmayne
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
Alcoholism and egomania.
A good description of the definition of an alcoholic is,'An egomaniac with an inferiority complex' (Alcoholics Anonymous - The Big Book).
On reflection of this, I realized that much of my time, spent in my alcoholic, delusional drinking days, I lived in a fantasyland of imagined, self serving, patronising superiority. Which in reality served no one least of all myself.
In recovery followed by a prolonged period, seven years to date, one day at a time!
I found, once I stopped massaging my ego and started massaging my recovery,both the egomania and inferiority complex disappeared with the appearance of an element , not always perfect, of a degree of clarity of mind. Enabling me to seek credibility in all people , including myself and things.
Enhanced by the saying, anything that contradicts logic and experience should be abandoned, which also includes others who by their words, actions or behaviour disturb my serenity and more importantly, my sobriety.
In the firm belief that recovery, in itself is a 'selfish program', if I'm not sober how can I help anyone else?
Once I had stopped fighting anyone , including myself and anything, I found I had, as Chuck 'C' says in his book of the same name, metaphorically speaking 'A new pair of glasses'.
Regrettably, albeit rarely, I come across people, drunk or sober, who wander around in life living in the same fantasyland of imagined, self serving, patronising superiority, who invariably can,'walk the walk' but can't 'talk the talk',as I realise in my delusional, alcoholic state, I once did.
To them and those like them, I can only suggest a trip to 'the opticians for a new pair of glasses' which, from experience also gets rid ol egomania and an inferiority complex.
After all, especially in both recovery and in life itself, ridding yourself of ego to be replaced by humility is the first step towards leading a safe, sane, sober existence.
Living in your ego, like alcoholism itself, simply means you're living in the problem not the solution. At the same time, failing others and more importantly, failing yourself...
On reflection of this, I realized that much of my time, spent in my alcoholic, delusional drinking days, I lived in a fantasyland of imagined, self serving, patronising superiority. Which in reality served no one least of all myself.
In recovery followed by a prolonged period, seven years to date, one day at a time!
I found, once I stopped massaging my ego and started massaging my recovery,both the egomania and inferiority complex disappeared with the appearance of an element , not always perfect, of a degree of clarity of mind. Enabling me to seek credibility in all people , including myself and things.
Enhanced by the saying, anything that contradicts logic and experience should be abandoned, which also includes others who by their words, actions or behaviour disturb my serenity and more importantly, my sobriety.
In the firm belief that recovery, in itself is a 'selfish program', if I'm not sober how can I help anyone else?
Once I had stopped fighting anyone , including myself and anything, I found I had, as Chuck 'C' says in his book of the same name, metaphorically speaking 'A new pair of glasses'.
Regrettably, albeit rarely, I come across people, drunk or sober, who wander around in life living in the same fantasyland of imagined, self serving, patronising superiority, who invariably can,'walk the walk' but can't 'talk the talk',as I realise in my delusional, alcoholic state, I once did.
To them and those like them, I can only suggest a trip to 'the opticians for a new pair of glasses' which, from experience also gets rid ol egomania and an inferiority complex.
After all, especially in both recovery and in life itself, ridding yourself of ego to be replaced by humility is the first step towards leading a safe, sane, sober existence.
Living in your ego, like alcoholism itself, simply means you're living in the problem not the solution. At the same time, failing others and more importantly, failing yourself...
Redmayne
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
Addendum.
As always I welcome those who respond to this thread by way of constructive comment or criticism, perhaps based on their own experiences.
Those who seek to use it as a platform to air their own agendas, usually twinned with their egos and showing themselves as to be so self absorbed, they miss the point anyway. I'll just , as I'd hope others would to, ignore.
If they want to fail themselves, that's their problem, failing SRC is a completely different matter.
Those who seek to use it as a platform to air their own agendas, usually twinned with their egos and showing themselves as to be so self absorbed, they miss the point anyway. I'll just , as I'd hope others would to, ignore.
If they want to fail themselves, that's their problem, failing SRC is a completely different matter.
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Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
It's a little difficult to prescribe the kind of responses one wants on a public forum Redmayne 
In fact, on a forum like this, it may prove to be the proverbial red rag to the bull.
Instead, I recommend the ignore function:
thanks
Dee
Moderator
SR
In fact, on a forum like this, it may prove to be the proverbial red rag to the bull.
Instead, I recommend the ignore function:
Ignore bothersome members. If there is someone on the forum that bothers you, select the Ignore option on the drop down menu under their name on the post. You won't see any posts from this member again.
Dee
Moderator
SR
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Originally Posted by Redmayne 
...A good description of the definition of an alcoholic is,'An egomaniac with an inferiority complex' (Alcoholics Anonymous - The Big Book)...
(o:
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 369
Originally Posted by Dee74
It's a little difficult to prescribe the kind of responses one wants on a public forum Redmayne
In fact, on a forum like this, it may prove to be the proverbial red rag to the bull.
Instead, I recommend the ignore function:
thanks
Dee
Moderator
SR
In fact, on a forum like this, it may prove to be the proverbial red rag to the bull.
Instead, I recommend the ignore function:
thanks
Dee
Moderator
SR
Redmayne
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
Now that...
Regrettably, like you I have a problem in both finding it and referring you to the actual page in 'Alcoholics Anonymous' as I in preparation for posting this thread, took it from of website on Quotes on Alcoholism.
An educated guess says its authenticity is to be found somewhere in AA literature, I suspect I have actually read it in 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions' or possibly 'As Bill Sees It'...I hope this helps, it doesn't sound like the sort of thing to be found in,'Daily Reflections' ....
An educated guess says its authenticity is to be found somewhere in AA literature, I suspect I have actually read it in 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions' or possibly 'As Bill Sees It'...I hope this helps, it doesn't sound like the sort of thing to be found in,'Daily Reflections' ....
Redmayne
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
Bearing in mind...
Bearing in mind the whole of the 12 Steps is pointed at ego deflation, together with other entries in the AA literature on ego or inadequacy...
Both qualities, others like to remind me I suffer on here, message understood, no point in staying where you're not wanted, thanks for the advice.
Which I assure you, won't affect either the quality or quantity of my sobriety, either now or in the future, one iota...I can't control others opinion of me, I can control my own stater of mind, including my response to them.
Both qualities, others like to remind me I suffer on here, message understood, no point in staying where you're not wanted, thanks for the advice.
Which I assure you, won't affect either the quality or quantity of my sobriety, either now or in the future, one iota...I can't control others opinion of me, I can control my own stater of mind, including my response to them.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
To be honest many of the people with substance abuse issues that I have encountered seem to suffer from a lack of ego or self assurance. There are a lot of people pleasers who have difficulty enforcing boundaries. I spent years being told the meek would inherit the earth and I grew up with the "thou shalt nots" being preached at me between a seriously screwed up home and the nuns at school.
I feel protective towards many of the others who arrive at the threshold of sobriety already torn down and defeated. To be saddled with a dx that an overinflated ego is the source of their problems seems to me to be unnecessary and undermining. When I read the newcomers pages I find people who are keenly aware of their inadequacies and shortcomings. When people are hanging on by their fingernails I think reminding them of the possibility that they deserve more and that they matter enormously would be much more likely to result in a positive momentum.
To be sure, I have seen more ego issues with some who extoll sobriety. There was a good thread last week about Dr. Silkworth's caution against labeling every human emotion as some sort of a symptom of alcoholism. I have found generalizations to be one of the most disrespectful ways to treat people.
I think we do a disservice to not only individuals, but the recovery community as a whole, by advocating that this specific population be painted with such a diminishing broad stroke.
I feel protective towards many of the others who arrive at the threshold of sobriety already torn down and defeated. To be saddled with a dx that an overinflated ego is the source of their problems seems to me to be unnecessary and undermining. When I read the newcomers pages I find people who are keenly aware of their inadequacies and shortcomings. When people are hanging on by their fingernails I think reminding them of the possibility that they deserve more and that they matter enormously would be much more likely to result in a positive momentum.
To be sure, I have seen more ego issues with some who extoll sobriety. There was a good thread last week about Dr. Silkworth's caution against labeling every human emotion as some sort of a symptom of alcoholism. I have found generalizations to be one of the most disrespectful ways to treat people.
I think we do a disservice to not only individuals, but the recovery community as a whole, by advocating that this specific population be painted with such a diminishing broad stroke.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
Originally Posted by Redmayne
A good description of the definition of an alcoholic is,'An egomaniac with an inferiority complex' (Alcoholics Anonymous - The Big Book)...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
In your original post (comment) you wrote......: "...A good description of the definition of an alcoholic is 'An egomaniac with an inferiority complex' (Alcoholics Anonymous - The Big Book)..."
When I said I couldn't find in the BB, and asked where exactly it could be found, in the BB, you wrote........: "I...took it from of website on Quotes on Alcoholism...
"...An educated guess says its authenticity is to be found somewhere in AA literature, I suspect I have actually read it in 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions' or possibly 'As Bill Sees It'...I hope this helps, it doesn't sound like the sort of thing to be found in, 'Daily Reflections'..."
In my research, I found it to be a phrase often heard in AA/AA meetings, but as to it being in AA literature.......? no source could be named; it seems to be anonymous (that person sure writes and says a lot.....lolol).
(o:
NoelleR
When I said I couldn't find in the BB, and asked where exactly it could be found, in the BB, you wrote........: "I...took it from of website on Quotes on Alcoholism...
"...An educated guess says its authenticity is to be found somewhere in AA literature, I suspect I have actually read it in 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions' or possibly 'As Bill Sees It'...I hope this helps, it doesn't sound like the sort of thing to be found in, 'Daily Reflections'..."
In my research, I found it to be a phrase often heard in AA/AA meetings, but as to it being in AA literature.......? no source could be named; it seems to be anonymous (that person sure writes and says a lot.....lolol).
(o:
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,474
Neil Young Insight
Egos achieved accomplishments like designing and building the Golden Gate Bridge, and Hoover Dam. Directed appropriately, they're good.
I 'get' what you're saying, Redmayne. It's self-evident to me from simply viewing Forum Sections here.
Exhibit A. Preceding one of many Int'l Biz Flights, I was on a packed Shuttle Bus from the Car Park to the Denver Air Terminal. About ~1' away from my Knees are another set of Knees belonging to a Guy on his Cellphone. He was defending himself against his Wife's angry - and very audible - accusations of his Extramarital Affair. The ole 'Oh Honey, she's just a Work Friend' Defense. This, on a Shuttle Bus. We're all dyin'! He was absolutely clueless to what appropriate behavior was in this setting. A true *smh* moment.
Here's the irony about the Clueless: they don't know they're clueless.
A very chilled, mentally-healthy Pal educated me via this example I've never forgotten.
Let's say I'm in Traffic, and some jerk cuts me off while giving me the Single Digit Salute. My Pal describes this as an event that occurred at a specific moment in time, and at a singular location one could I.D. with a GPS. That's all it was. Whatever emotion or reaction we subsequently assign to that physical event is within our control; plucked from our 'Bell Curve' of possible reactions. It is a confirmation of our innate 'power' to either react or not, and how. Many Folks behave as though some over-reaction is 'of course' mandatory. 'Hey, he flipped me off, so I raced ahead and cut him off to retaliate'. In fact, that sort of reaction is elective. As is reacting here to the Clueless who don’t sense the ‘flow’ of a Thread, or 'forget' that they're posting in, say, the Secular Section here. Believing that what they have to say is so insightful - it overrides Forum Common Sense and Etiquette - reminds me of Captain Clueless on his Cellphone in the Shuttle Bus.
I Moderate on several other, non-Alcohol-related Pages. Challenges for us Mods there include deleting the 'F Bomb', and Racial/Gender/Urban Slang. Lotsa Flaming on hot button Issues. We keep our Eye on the Prize, and focus on the true Contributors while taking the most 'Free Speech' stance we Mods can.
I don't use the 'Ignore' Button. It disrupts me understanding a Thread progression. I'm a 'Free Range' kinda Forum Guy. Let it roll...
Your Posts make me think, and I hope you keep on keepin’ on. Your call. Civilized give & take is good for Sobriety, IMO, so you're providing a valuable Public Service as well.
'Don't let it bring you down
It's only castles burning,
Find someone who's turning
And you will come around'
Neil Young ~ 'Don't Let It Bring You Down'
-----
I 'get' what you're saying, Redmayne. It's self-evident to me from simply viewing Forum Sections here.
Exhibit A. Preceding one of many Int'l Biz Flights, I was on a packed Shuttle Bus from the Car Park to the Denver Air Terminal. About ~1' away from my Knees are another set of Knees belonging to a Guy on his Cellphone. He was defending himself against his Wife's angry - and very audible - accusations of his Extramarital Affair. The ole 'Oh Honey, she's just a Work Friend' Defense. This, on a Shuttle Bus. We're all dyin'! He was absolutely clueless to what appropriate behavior was in this setting. A true *smh* moment.
Here's the irony about the Clueless: they don't know they're clueless.
A very chilled, mentally-healthy Pal educated me via this example I've never forgotten.
Let's say I'm in Traffic, and some jerk cuts me off while giving me the Single Digit Salute. My Pal describes this as an event that occurred at a specific moment in time, and at a singular location one could I.D. with a GPS. That's all it was. Whatever emotion or reaction we subsequently assign to that physical event is within our control; plucked from our 'Bell Curve' of possible reactions. It is a confirmation of our innate 'power' to either react or not, and how. Many Folks behave as though some over-reaction is 'of course' mandatory. 'Hey, he flipped me off, so I raced ahead and cut him off to retaliate'. In fact, that sort of reaction is elective. As is reacting here to the Clueless who don’t sense the ‘flow’ of a Thread, or 'forget' that they're posting in, say, the Secular Section here. Believing that what they have to say is so insightful - it overrides Forum Common Sense and Etiquette - reminds me of Captain Clueless on his Cellphone in the Shuttle Bus.
I Moderate on several other, non-Alcohol-related Pages. Challenges for us Mods there include deleting the 'F Bomb', and Racial/Gender/Urban Slang. Lotsa Flaming on hot button Issues. We keep our Eye on the Prize, and focus on the true Contributors while taking the most 'Free Speech' stance we Mods can.
I don't use the 'Ignore' Button. It disrupts me understanding a Thread progression. I'm a 'Free Range' kinda Forum Guy. Let it roll...
Your Posts make me think, and I hope you keep on keepin’ on. Your call. Civilized give & take is good for Sobriety, IMO, so you're providing a valuable Public Service as well.
'Don't let it bring you down
It's only castles burning,
Find someone who's turning
And you will come around'
Neil Young ~ 'Don't Let It Bring You Down'
-----
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
"captain clueless on his cellphone" lol
Thanks MesaMan, great post. I think fluidity is pivotal in life. I heard the phrase once "where you stand depends on where you sit". I don't see a lot of unexamined lives on SR, a lot of us dig deep to understand what motivates us as well as what repels us.
I know that my stance on anything is a point on a continuum. There are times when my beliefs are stimulated by a different viewpoint. I think participating on a forum and the restraint it requires to ensure civility forces us to pick our battles. I enjoy the mental gymnastics at times and other times I find simplicity is soothing to where I am at.
I have learned a lot about myself from participating here. I don't do any other social media so interacting with a much more expansive pool of members than my day to day has opened my eyes to how big the world is.
Something that is a trigger for me is having someone else attempt to cast their net over me. It is like assuming that everyone at an Italian restaurant loves Italian food…when there might be a vegan on a first day secretly in hell cuz she likes the guy but hates the food. Assumptions that because we share some issues we share all issues are bogus, in my opinion.
I don't see why having the affliction of substance abuse makes someone else the authority on how my situation developed. Case in point, the OP was triggering because it reminded me of how it felt growing up when I was being labeled the bad kid at school for acting out. No one knew what I went home to at night, or the fact that I was working 25 hours a week at age 14 washing dishes. Labels were tossed at me carelessly, I flourished in spite of, not because of. I remember my father telling me I thought I was so superior when I was 12…my therapist blurted out once "thank god, it made you survive your childhood".
There were a lot of times when I was a young girl that adults made careless assumptions and write offs that saddled me with unnecessary shame and guilt. I overachieved because I grew up not believing that I was enough. So I took on an invisible challenge and exceeded everyone's expectations…where did that leave anyone?. Labels create divides.
I used to shrug off disparaging comments, "It doesn't matter". My therapist pointed out to me once that a lot of those little "doesn't matters" add up after a while. It is a delicate balancing act because on one hand standing up for ourselves can cause stress, and often the times when we are most in need of protecting ourselves we are at our most vulnerable and fragile points.
I don't feel vulnerable or fragile right now. I have learned that I am much better at being an advocate for others than myself. When I hear comments that cast shame or judgements I do feel it is important to be vocal and resistant to those types of labels if I am at a point on my continuum where doing so would not threaten my serenity. Any of us who participate on SR understand the Dee's comment at the outset of this thread was en pointe…ego discussion always ensures a lively thread.
I find talk about alcoholics being egomaniacs to be shaming, it bothers me. I have no problem (and respect) anyone sharing the fact that at this point in their journey their ego needs to be examined. I utter the words "I think" and "in my opinion" so often here, because it separates what I am declaring to be true for me as a personal stance.
Thanks MesaMan, great post. I think fluidity is pivotal in life. I heard the phrase once "where you stand depends on where you sit". I don't see a lot of unexamined lives on SR, a lot of us dig deep to understand what motivates us as well as what repels us.
I know that my stance on anything is a point on a continuum. There are times when my beliefs are stimulated by a different viewpoint. I think participating on a forum and the restraint it requires to ensure civility forces us to pick our battles. I enjoy the mental gymnastics at times and other times I find simplicity is soothing to where I am at.
I have learned a lot about myself from participating here. I don't do any other social media so interacting with a much more expansive pool of members than my day to day has opened my eyes to how big the world is.
Something that is a trigger for me is having someone else attempt to cast their net over me. It is like assuming that everyone at an Italian restaurant loves Italian food…when there might be a vegan on a first day secretly in hell cuz she likes the guy but hates the food. Assumptions that because we share some issues we share all issues are bogus, in my opinion.
I don't see why having the affliction of substance abuse makes someone else the authority on how my situation developed. Case in point, the OP was triggering because it reminded me of how it felt growing up when I was being labeled the bad kid at school for acting out. No one knew what I went home to at night, or the fact that I was working 25 hours a week at age 14 washing dishes. Labels were tossed at me carelessly, I flourished in spite of, not because of. I remember my father telling me I thought I was so superior when I was 12…my therapist blurted out once "thank god, it made you survive your childhood".
There were a lot of times when I was a young girl that adults made careless assumptions and write offs that saddled me with unnecessary shame and guilt. I overachieved because I grew up not believing that I was enough. So I took on an invisible challenge and exceeded everyone's expectations…where did that leave anyone?. Labels create divides.
I used to shrug off disparaging comments, "It doesn't matter". My therapist pointed out to me once that a lot of those little "doesn't matters" add up after a while. It is a delicate balancing act because on one hand standing up for ourselves can cause stress, and often the times when we are most in need of protecting ourselves we are at our most vulnerable and fragile points.
I don't feel vulnerable or fragile right now. I have learned that I am much better at being an advocate for others than myself. When I hear comments that cast shame or judgements I do feel it is important to be vocal and resistant to those types of labels if I am at a point on my continuum where doing so would not threaten my serenity. Any of us who participate on SR understand the Dee's comment at the outset of this thread was en pointe…ego discussion always ensures a lively thread.
I find talk about alcoholics being egomaniacs to be shaming, it bothers me. I have no problem (and respect) anyone sharing the fact that at this point in their journey their ego needs to be examined. I utter the words "I think" and "in my opinion" so often here, because it separates what I am declaring to be true for me as a personal stance.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Your addendum seems quiet lofty and judgmental, I don't see how the 'true self' would be concerned with such matters…
Anybody here familiar with the concept of ego as a defense mechanism? Defence mechanisms - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Sounds a lot like alcohol indeed.
Anybody here familiar with the concept of ego as a defense mechanism? Defence mechanisms - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The purpose of ego defence mechanisms is to protect the mind/self/ego from anxiety and/or social sanctions and/or to provide a refuge from a situation with which one cannot currently cope.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Posts: 4,360
Aww Redmayne, you don 't need to defend yourself. You can say what you want and people can respond and it doesn't matter because that is how you see it.
I love it when you post Jaynie!
I had one of those huge inflatable wavy arm egos like you see at a used car lot. Stratman is entirely right, it was a defense mechanism. I spent so much time hating on myself that only a superego could compensate. I was smarter and a harder worker than everyone combined. I was also a bigger POS than anyone on the planet. About 7 months in I started to play the "one up" game with someone on here and all of a sudden I said to myself "why are you doing this?" Oh that's right because I hate myself. It was so ingrained in my thought process I didn't even know I was doing it. When I realized what I had put myself through I cried for days. It was all the things my mentally ill mother had said to me and all the ways I felt because of my cult upbringing. Because after all I really know what hurts me. It was a hard habit to break but when I started to tell myself good things the ego deflated all on it's own. The ego wasn't my problem it was what I was doing to cause it.
Lots of things had been taken from me growing up. I set about letting people take swings at me and instead of defending myself I concentrated on exactly where the pain came from and the first time I felt it. I went all the way back to that time and looked at it again with the eyes of an adult and took that thing back.
I was supposed to be proud of being special to God. I was not. I just wanted to play with the other kids. So wanting to be ordinary became something evil. I didn't fit in with the holy rollers and I wasn't allowed to fit in with the regular kids. So I was left without a sense of belonging. I always felt like an outsider. I had no sense of who I was because being that was inherently evil. I had to be hyperaware of how people perceived me because if they caught on I wasn't like them the things they would do to me would not be pleasant. They define love as physiological and physical abuse. I as a little kid actually had to learn to be 2 steps ahead of the adults. So I became a bit oversensitive and was a master at reading more into a situation than there was.
When you are in a cult you can NEVER do enough. I was spending probably 20 hours a week on cult related things on top of school and was constantly told by my mother I was whishy washy. So I could never rest because I always had to be doing more. Whatever I did it was not good enough became I am not good enough. Women had their "place" and are incapable to making major decisions so I have a real thing against people telling me what to do because I never had a voice.
I was doing really good working it all out then for some reason decided to crawl into a bottle in my 30s and all that hard work was gone and I reverted but this time I was both the parentabuser and childvictim in my head.
I decided that my right fighter sword and my incessant need to correct people when they were "wrong" was part of my cult training and I could let it go. Everything in black and white in that world. Someone on here right on cue called me out on PAWS saying it wasn't real and went on to list all the recovery books they had read when I had read none. She even had a buddy with her saying I didn't know what I was talking about. EHGAD!!! The quote I was referring to actually was in one of the books she mentioned. What to do? Do I let this person make a fool out of me or do I show some compassion and let it go so as not to embarrass someone who is having a rough time. I would hope someone would let me leave with my dignity intact because I can be a bitch sometimes too. I started to see grey (not 50 shades or anything) and much to my surprise the universe survived without me running it. I probably didn't even look like a fool on that thread either. People are to worried about how they look to notice anyone else anyway.
I love it when you post Jaynie!
I had one of those huge inflatable wavy arm egos like you see at a used car lot. Stratman is entirely right, it was a defense mechanism. I spent so much time hating on myself that only a superego could compensate. I was smarter and a harder worker than everyone combined. I was also a bigger POS than anyone on the planet. About 7 months in I started to play the "one up" game with someone on here and all of a sudden I said to myself "why are you doing this?" Oh that's right because I hate myself. It was so ingrained in my thought process I didn't even know I was doing it. When I realized what I had put myself through I cried for days. It was all the things my mentally ill mother had said to me and all the ways I felt because of my cult upbringing. Because after all I really know what hurts me. It was a hard habit to break but when I started to tell myself good things the ego deflated all on it's own. The ego wasn't my problem it was what I was doing to cause it.
Lots of things had been taken from me growing up. I set about letting people take swings at me and instead of defending myself I concentrated on exactly where the pain came from and the first time I felt it. I went all the way back to that time and looked at it again with the eyes of an adult and took that thing back.
I was supposed to be proud of being special to God. I was not. I just wanted to play with the other kids. So wanting to be ordinary became something evil. I didn't fit in with the holy rollers and I wasn't allowed to fit in with the regular kids. So I was left without a sense of belonging. I always felt like an outsider. I had no sense of who I was because being that was inherently evil. I had to be hyperaware of how people perceived me because if they caught on I wasn't like them the things they would do to me would not be pleasant. They define love as physiological and physical abuse. I as a little kid actually had to learn to be 2 steps ahead of the adults. So I became a bit oversensitive and was a master at reading more into a situation than there was.
When you are in a cult you can NEVER do enough. I was spending probably 20 hours a week on cult related things on top of school and was constantly told by my mother I was whishy washy. So I could never rest because I always had to be doing more. Whatever I did it was not good enough became I am not good enough. Women had their "place" and are incapable to making major decisions so I have a real thing against people telling me what to do because I never had a voice.
I was doing really good working it all out then for some reason decided to crawl into a bottle in my 30s and all that hard work was gone and I reverted but this time I was both the parentabuser and childvictim in my head.
I decided that my right fighter sword and my incessant need to correct people when they were "wrong" was part of my cult training and I could let it go. Everything in black and white in that world. Someone on here right on cue called me out on PAWS saying it wasn't real and went on to list all the recovery books they had read when I had read none. She even had a buddy with her saying I didn't know what I was talking about. EHGAD!!! The quote I was referring to actually was in one of the books she mentioned. What to do? Do I let this person make a fool out of me or do I show some compassion and let it go so as not to embarrass someone who is having a rough time. I would hope someone would let me leave with my dignity intact because I can be a bitch sometimes too. I started to see grey (not 50 shades or anything) and much to my surprise the universe survived without me running it. I probably didn't even look like a fool on that thread either. People are to worried about how they look to notice anyone else anyway.
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