Blossom717

My ABF has been "sober" from alcohol for 2 weeks now.

Which is great. It really, really is.

But I am confused. He isn't going to AA, or any other kind of program. I guess that's his choice. But he is smoking pot/hash almost constantly. Is this actual sobriety?

GracieLou

No.

You are not sober if you are still using a mind altering substance to be able to cope with life other than a prescribed medication, such as for depression.

He is not sober. Do not fool yourself. He has stopped drinking and that is all he has done which probably won't last long.

He is white knuckling the issue. Not looking at himself and changing.

zerothehero

I have to mostly agree with GracieLou. I would add, though, that HE is fooling HIMSELF. It sounds to me like you realized this and that's why you posted in the first place.

Stopping the alcohol is a good first step. Smoking isn't good for you either, but at least he's not drinking on top of that. The question is whether he will recognize that chronic cannabis abuse is also a problem.

GracieLou

I wanted to ad that the act of just setting down the drink is not, IMO, sobriety in its full form. It is the start. It is the beginning. You have to stop drinking.

After the bottle is put down then there is some self work involved. If it was so easy we would not be here. We could just set it down and walk away. If I don’t work through all the issues that caused me to drink in the first place I would pick up again.

I was never a big pot smoker. I could take it or leave it just like many people can take or leave alcohol. I never was addicted to it. I could go years and it never bothered me in the least. Now alcohol was different. That was my vice. I had to have that everyday.

So, in his case it may be the pot he is addicted to, rather than the alcohol but there is no way of knowing that. It could be both. The only person that knows that is him and he is not going to admit it until he gets honest with himself and can say he has a problem.

Some people do try the marijuana maintenance program and claim they are sober. Even though I have never been addicted to marijuana the act would get me high. The high would cause me to want to drink. It would be a vicious cycle so I don’t do either.

There are some that claim if you even take an aspirin you are not sober, I don’t agree. OTC or prescription medications that are used for what they are intended for and as they are prescribed, to me, are allowed and does not invalidate a persons sobriety.

Again, he is fooling himself or he knows he is full of BS and is trying to get you to take the ride.

PurpleKnight

The reason for quitting alcohol is that it is affecting our lives, if there are negative consequences to our drinking then it is time to make changes, however simply substituting one substance for another that can be equally as destructive doesn't achieve much!!

For anyone who queries the destructive nature of marijuana, then check out the substance or friends and family sections of the Forum!!

Ken33xx

Imo, I think staying sober has more to do with that moment of clarity (spiritual awaking?) in which the alcoholic realizes they can't drink. I felt this way after my first meeting and haven't had a drink since. (Which I realize might not be the norm but that is my experience. No sponsor and no steps were involved outside of the 1st which hit me like a laser.)

It might be hearsay to say this but I tend not to believe you can fake it until you make it. You either see for yourself that you have a problem or you don't. Cleaning house and taking care of your side of the street are important as is having someone you can talk with. However, this has more to do with common sense than anything else.

At the end of the day it's all about how you live your life outside of the rooms. Talk is cheap and those who religiously go on about the steps and/or share about being happy, joyous, free give off a weird, cultish vibe. I believe they are sober but the rest of their shares don't necessarily ring true. (And I don't know one's stays sober if they aren't true to themselves.)

Now, this might be a bad read on my part but that's just the way I feel after attending some meetings.

GracieLou

I agree but not everyone gets that moment of clarity the moment they decided they need help. I had it this time but I have watched another struggle with it everyday and it really made me see the true essence of the program.

Some get it day one, others only after working the steps and some sadly never get it.

I have watched another struggle. Someone that wants it so bad but just can't get there but they continue to try, they don't use and they keep coming back.

After seeing that I am so grateful that this time I around I got that moment, I did not have it the first time and I gave up and drank for ten more years. I didn't call anyone. I didn't go back to a meeting. I just left and did not try again. I have a lot of respect for those that do. It takes courage which is something I did not have at the time.

I think many of the AA quote or slogans are taken way to literally. IMO it does not really mean "fake it", it means keep coming back. Keep coming back until you get that moment of clarity. I think telling someone to fake it gives them a sense that while they may not get the program yet, they are still welcome at meetings and to keep trying. Many feel they are fake because they don't get it so they stop coming. It can feel like a relief to them that feeling that way is okay, just keep coming back.

I had no common sense for about three months. I thought I had it along, I did not. In fact, common sense should have told me to stop drinking or at least try, it did not.

This is true. Living the life of sobriety is much more than just not drinking. It takes work and it takes practice. I have seen people get it and live it from day one and there are some sober 20 years that don't, BUT they are not drinking. So that counts for something.

I also have to remember that every one has off days and some have off months or years. They keep coming back, they keep sharing and do service work. For some, service work is all they do for others meetings is all they do and if that keeps them sober, then that is a good thing.

I try never to compare my program to someone else. I am exactly were I am supposed to be and so are they. I have to meet people were they are at, not were I am or where I think they should be.

The meetings are to carry the message. The sponsor handles the mess. The fellowship is the network.

Most of the people in the meetings are there to share their experience, strength and hope. I know there are many times I have heard the same thing over and over and then one day I hear it and for whatever reason it clicks. I am not sure why when I heard it 3434 times before it did not, but that does not matter as much as the one time it does.

The first drink gets me drunk did not make sense to me at all the first time I heard it. It makes perfect sense now.

Dee74

Hi Blossom

It wouldn't be for me.

I have a long history and rationalisations and dodgy deals and shortcuts with myself...I finally learned what recovery was, and for me it wasn't getting high....it was dealing with my 'stuff' without getting high.

how do you feel about it Blossom?
D

Ken33xx

I certainly didn't sense enough to realize that taking a drink or two in the morning wasn't necessarily a good idea. When it came time to pick up and put down a drink I was clueless.

However, I do have a moral compass and generally know when I am in the wrong and what action to take. I usually don't need the steps or sponsor to tell me such. (Actually I do have someone I can speak with regularly be but this person is not a member of AA.)

I don't see alcoholism as a moral issue but feel if you try to live life on the straight and narrow you're less likely to have conflict. Not always mind you.... but better than if you weren't.

Ken33xx

For me it's all about what goes on outside the rooms of AA. That's how I gage my sobriety. How well do I handle adversity and/or things I can't change.

I also have a responsibility to help the newcomer and will reach out.

Other than that I'm good.

Blossom717

I think AA is helpful for those who have certain types of personalities. For the more social butterflies, talkers, and outgoing people. I also think that working some kind of program is beneficial to anyone in recovery. That could be a therapist, rehab, AA, Church, even joining a sport. Something that keeps you on that path of sobriety and positiveness. But that's my opinion.

Dee74 - honestly I'm struggling. I'm having trouble with accepting things - accepting that despite growing up with addicts, that this is not okay; that he won't get better just because he says so. I've accepted I don't want this lifestyle. I don't want my daughter to grow up like I did. I'm just having a hard time accepting that I will be the bad guy to many when I do finally make my move to leave. It shouldn't matter what other people think. I've accepted that but its still scary!

heartcore

My understanding of alcoholism is that you are an alcoholic not in regard to the quantity that you drink, or the frequency, but because alcohol damages your life. There are plenty of folks who are regular and heavy drinkers, but do not feel unhappy or have negative consequences in their lives.

Although the 12-step programs and many other recovery programs advocate complete abstinence from all mind-altering substances, that is only one approach to alcoholism.

I have known many "clean and sober" folks in 12 step programs who smoke cigarettes, drink tons of coffee, and ingest sugar and chemical laden food. If this is impacting their health or happiness or body image, it is having a negative impact on their life, but is somehow "ok." Most folks would say that they use those "tools" to cope, as they grow stronger.

I think we are all living in a complex world, and most of us carry various levels of pain. Each human being has to individually gauge the balance between self-harm and self-preservation.

My thought would be to support the positive change that he has made, and to have compassion that perhaps he is not ready to release all substance use. That is his choice fully, and only he knows if it is detrimental to his health (mental or physical).

You'll have to decide for yourself if you want to be in a relationship with him. That's the only thing you can control. You can't oversee someone else's choices, only decide for yourself if you are willing to share their journey...

Lots of people get clean and sober in stages - first releasing dependence on alcohol, then pot or cigarettes when they feel emotionally ready. That's a private choice; there is no single right way.

jason2

He is sober from alcohol. Bravo for him.

Mountainmanbob

No
I know no one who would call that being sober

Just the truth as seen up top the mountain

Mountainmanbob

matt4x4

Nope, it surely is not sobriety!