Redmayne

In my drinking days, I suffered, what I now understand many other alcoholics and addicts shared common traits, like.

Fear, of exposure of my alcoholism, guilt, ''Why am I like this?' , self loathing and low self esteem...all leading, even now to bouts of depression.

I also, suffered feelings of insecurity,even long before my alcoholism struck, in my early 30's. Those that told me, no matter how hard I tried, I just wasn't good enough or I didn't quite fit in...

When, in reality, the truth was completely different. Evidenced perhaps in the fact that I've had four professional careers and achieved notable success in all of them..

Odd then, that in each, there was always someone with, what they perceived, not as senior rank or status to me, buy 'superior'. Not just in rank or status, but also as people or human beings, which automatically gave them the right, to at various times. Bully me, in terms that they'd justify as following procedure or necessary supervisory conduct. That in truth , completely lacked any constructive element, other than to evidence to their own incompetence, ignorance, bigotry and prejudice...usually founded, as I now realize on their own fear and insecurities.

All of which, given my own 'common traits' fear, guilt, etc. I was carrying because of my alcoholism, helped fuel them, causing me at some point. To walk out of each one of my careers, albeit I never admitted the real reason, my alcoholism. A strong element of personal denial played a part in that...

Odd to that when I retired, and my tormentors, many who again, oddly I know came to a 'sticky end', one even going to prison! Those that fueled my 'common traits' no longer existed and I was able to swap, denial for realization and acceptance of my alcoholism, and all that it's self destructive power it wielded over me, like those 'common traits' of fear, guilt, self loathing an low self esteem.

To be rid of those 'common traits' alone, in recovery was worth all the effort alone...although I'll always wonder, where anyone of those careers might have lead me, without them...

Then again, it's ok to look back, but you mustn't STARE! Ok...

I class it, in my recovery as 'Clearing away the wreckage of your past' see page 164 of 'Alcoholics Anonymous' 4th Ed. That book, has never lied to me or even less attempted to bully me ....that and the first 100 who wrote it are worth anyone's respect. They certainly get mine.

SevenNuts

I don't think that I accept my alcoholic 100% yet. That's why I fail.

Redmayne

Whilst I've never met one, I'm told on good authority that there are those who go to A A meetings who've never touched alcohol in their lives. Simply to partake in the spiritual program offered in the suggested 12 Step program of recovery...

I also have always understood and respected the truism that only you can declare yourself an alcoholic. Just as only you can make a commitment to the suggested program of recovery.

It's all very personal, just as yours and my recovery is...

matt4x4

I only know for a fact that I am an alcoholic.
How do I come to this conclusion for myself. Well I have never had just one drink in my life, nor 2 drinks. I sometimes think and obsess over drinking. I drank for the effect produced by alcohol, this is true for me cuz I always hated beer, yet I drank beer later in my drinking career because I never landed in handcuffs as quick as I did with vodka. I got the phenomenon of craving once I drank. I craved more and more with each drink I took. I blacked out. I did things that I would never do while sober.

Everytime I was in trouble with the law I had alcohol in my system.
I never got into trouble with the law when I was sober.

These are given facts about me that prove that I am an alcoholic.

Now I have 2 choices of what to do about this problem I have with alcohol.

I can continue on the way I have, blotting out a drunken life and die an alcoholic death.
OR
I can recover from this disease and live on a spiritual basis.

These are 2 very hard choices to make early on. Its actually quite clear for me today, because I have seen many sides of this disease. From a newcomer to AA (going to the meetings and not working the steps) relapsing endlessly. Coming back and working the 12 steps to be drunk again by life. To perhaps not really caring and only wanting a reprieve to get healthy again so I can go back drinking again and do it right. All mental twists and lies. And now having had a substancial amount of sobriety time under my belt, I know the facts about me. I work on my defects and help others. I have to get out of my self, get rid of resentments, pray and meditate and do His will not mine. I do this on a daily basis. So if I have to stop in my day, take a breather I do so. Or perhaps I can take a mental break and ponder something out of the Big Book. If I am in a meeting, board room, convention, whatever it may be. I do what I do to stay sober today by progression and not being perfect.

Redmayne

Thank you, for what can only be described as an excellent and constructive post.Obviously written from the heart with great integrity and credibility. Rare qualities in anyone...