27 Days Sober and Counting...
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2
27 Days Sober and Counting...
27 days today I am sober. What got me to stop drinking? A couple of things. I was a daily drinker for the last 2 years. In the last year, it escalated to drinking before work, at lunch and of course in the evenings. I drank alone. It got so intense, that I would be sitting in a meeting at work thinking please let lunch hour arrive so I can jump in my car and get to the nearest restaurant to drink my lunch. As a manager, I could take a two hour lunch or simply not come back and call it a 'sales call.' I hid bottles everywhere, under my bed, in my car trunk, in dresser drawers, in my briefcase. Sometimes I even poured an entire drink into my coffee mug, shut my office door and drank.
Some days I would be relieved that I must have been so drunk that I had forgotten I hid a bottle of something because I would be reaching into my dresser drawer for a shirt and pull out a bottle of whatever I may have hidden even from myself apparently.
31 days ago I went on a 3 day binge where I drank any and everything - I began drinking due to an acrimonious and long drawn out divorce battle 5 years ago - I remember drinking a few shots of Belvedere during the day to 'take the edge off' but all it would take would be my divorce lawyer's phone number showing up on my phone and I would reach for the bottle. I could feel anxiety stab like a knife. I failed to mention my ex and I lived together during our divorce battle which took 3 years, we would go to court and trash each other, but unlike most divorcing couples, return to the same dwelling after court as if that hearing that day didn't take place! I would drink to be numb by the time he got home. Eventually I would drink before a court hearing - and the Judge never knew it or didn't care. By that time I didn't either. Drinking was my escape, my way of stifling the fear and anxiety.
Fast forward I drank to ease pain, anxiety and depression. I am a high functioning person, a planner of everything, being in court and having a stranger decide how your life will proceed was the initial trigger for me - loss of seeming control; when the economy hit us all with severe layoffs, etc., I coped by drinking. I moved to another state to take a new job, it started out good, but I was still drinking. Then stress and pressure set in at work - I could not focus on anything but drinking. Oddly, I tripled revenues in 7 months, traveled weekly and was highly miserable at the same time. The hotel staff knew me by name and knew I would be at the bar at 5:30 sharp for the free happy hour (Embassy Suites.)
My last year is a fog. There are times I still can't remember today (too many actually.) I would have to pull out my receipt to find out where I was the night before. I would literally wake and not be able to remember where I was.
Well, the last binge I went on caused my daughter to panic. We talk daily at least 3 times per day, but this time my cell phone was dead and I was MIA binging. She in turn called my parents hysterical looking for me. When I was confronted by them, I had to admit this alcoholism has taken over my life. Everything I love is being destroyed by it. It is the grace of God that I don't have DUI's because I at times couldn't recall the drive home sometimes.
When I finally listened to my voicemails, they were all from my daughter pleading for me to pick up the phone and call her back. It broke my heart to be so selfish.
From that point, I stopped - cold turkey. Stopped.
I know it is dangerous to do, but I stopped. And the first 5 days, I felt like I was literally dying. Irritable, impatient, stomach upset, nightmares directed by Freddy Kreuger, and insane itching.
Now, my skin is no longer pale, I have lost 5 pounds, I have a ravenous appetite - most alcoholics have very poor diets, I rarely ate because I was so full of empty calories from drinking - and I actually dress like I care what I look like again.
I feel a tremendous amount of shame for scaring her the way I did. My mother put it to me bluntly - "Do you know you are her whole world?!?!?!? Do you think I want to tell her you are dead? Do you know how devastated she would be?!?!" That was my bottom. My daughter and leaving her motherless for something so unworthy of all of my time and attention.
I will be going to rehab to gain skills to stay sober and deal with the pain and anxiety that plagues me. But today I can say I feel good, it's not easy but when I think back to all of the effort and energy spent trying to get my next drink, concealing drinking, worrying about my health in general, I would rather be on the road to recovery than to pick up a drink. And also, I cannot go through the detox again! I didn't have tremors, but that itching drove me insane!!!
Some days I would be relieved that I must have been so drunk that I had forgotten I hid a bottle of something because I would be reaching into my dresser drawer for a shirt and pull out a bottle of whatever I may have hidden even from myself apparently.
31 days ago I went on a 3 day binge where I drank any and everything - I began drinking due to an acrimonious and long drawn out divorce battle 5 years ago - I remember drinking a few shots of Belvedere during the day to 'take the edge off' but all it would take would be my divorce lawyer's phone number showing up on my phone and I would reach for the bottle. I could feel anxiety stab like a knife. I failed to mention my ex and I lived together during our divorce battle which took 3 years, we would go to court and trash each other, but unlike most divorcing couples, return to the same dwelling after court as if that hearing that day didn't take place! I would drink to be numb by the time he got home. Eventually I would drink before a court hearing - and the Judge never knew it or didn't care. By that time I didn't either. Drinking was my escape, my way of stifling the fear and anxiety.
Fast forward I drank to ease pain, anxiety and depression. I am a high functioning person, a planner of everything, being in court and having a stranger decide how your life will proceed was the initial trigger for me - loss of seeming control; when the economy hit us all with severe layoffs, etc., I coped by drinking. I moved to another state to take a new job, it started out good, but I was still drinking. Then stress and pressure set in at work - I could not focus on anything but drinking. Oddly, I tripled revenues in 7 months, traveled weekly and was highly miserable at the same time. The hotel staff knew me by name and knew I would be at the bar at 5:30 sharp for the free happy hour (Embassy Suites.)
My last year is a fog. There are times I still can't remember today (too many actually.) I would have to pull out my receipt to find out where I was the night before. I would literally wake and not be able to remember where I was.
Well, the last binge I went on caused my daughter to panic. We talk daily at least 3 times per day, but this time my cell phone was dead and I was MIA binging. She in turn called my parents hysterical looking for me. When I was confronted by them, I had to admit this alcoholism has taken over my life. Everything I love is being destroyed by it. It is the grace of God that I don't have DUI's because I at times couldn't recall the drive home sometimes.
When I finally listened to my voicemails, they were all from my daughter pleading for me to pick up the phone and call her back. It broke my heart to be so selfish.
From that point, I stopped - cold turkey. Stopped.
I know it is dangerous to do, but I stopped. And the first 5 days, I felt like I was literally dying. Irritable, impatient, stomach upset, nightmares directed by Freddy Kreuger, and insane itching.
Now, my skin is no longer pale, I have lost 5 pounds, I have a ravenous appetite - most alcoholics have very poor diets, I rarely ate because I was so full of empty calories from drinking - and I actually dress like I care what I look like again.
I feel a tremendous amount of shame for scaring her the way I did. My mother put it to me bluntly - "Do you know you are her whole world?!?!?!? Do you think I want to tell her you are dead? Do you know how devastated she would be?!?!" That was my bottom. My daughter and leaving her motherless for something so unworthy of all of my time and attention.
I will be going to rehab to gain skills to stay sober and deal with the pain and anxiety that plagues me. But today I can say I feel good, it's not easy but when I think back to all of the effort and energy spent trying to get my next drink, concealing drinking, worrying about my health in general, I would rather be on the road to recovery than to pick up a drink. And also, I cannot go through the detox again! I didn't have tremors, but that itching drove me insane!!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Newlife, I really enjoyed your post and the fact that you have 27 days behind you is fantastic. It's so healthy that everything is out in the open with your parents too.
I think it's a brilliant idea going to rehab, even though you've put in some sober time, because it can be an emotional roller coaster without the booze to numb our feelings.
Looking forward to hearing how you're doing in the future.
I think it's a brilliant idea going to rehab, even though you've put in some sober time, because it can be an emotional roller coaster without the booze to numb our feelings.
Looking forward to hearing how you're doing in the future.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Here, EH!!!
Posts: 1,337
We drink because we are acloholic, that is how we deal with life. We cant stay sober, we drink. I breath, I drink. Someone looked at me, I drink. its sunny out, its raining out, im at the beach, im at the north pole..........I drink. I am dirt poor, or I won the lottery, I drink. Abstinance is the key. I can not toy with any notion that I am different, THIS TIME!!!!!
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