mnj1024

I've just been in this mood lately that I can't describe. most of my life I have been all poor me, feel bad for me, and just begging for sympathy. then as I learned to listen and realize this was an unhealthy behavior I got over that. no more riding on sympathy I'm going to do the work. I started reading a lot, and making real changes in my life. Then I moved on to what i consider my second phase this look at me I'm doing good, please tell me I'm doing good, pat me on the back. looking for encouragement, and feeling good when I got it. about 2 weeks ago I had a revelation. I don't need other people to tell me I'm doing good, because I know I'm doing good. this was a tremendous discovery for me, and gave me incredible peace for the first time in a long time. I was starting to like myself for who I am. now I find myself in a new phase that I can't recognize, a little depressed and lonely just totally over analizing my thoughts and actions. like little missy had said in a previous thred about stinkin thinkin "Every thought that I have, I put through some type of checklist. Like, that's an excuse, that's self pity, that's NOT EVEN RATIONAL!!" my checklist is what am i trying to get from this: pitty, encouragment, understanding and relation so I don't feel like I'm the only one. As I'm sitting here writting this I wonder what I'm trying to get out of responses, not pitty, not encouragement, I guess just advice on how to handle this thinking because I'm having a hard time reaching out to people when I'm down and something depresses me. I analize it and feel like I'm just looking for an unhealthy response from another, so I keep it bottled up inside. This makes me feel detatched and lonely. don't get me wrong I am grateful for the miracle of today, and have many things to be happy and thankful for. I just wish I knew a better way to reach out to people without it seeming to be unhealthy to me. I know I'm rambling so I will stop, thanks for listening.

mike

ted

HEY MIKE,
First off PUT DOWN THE SCIZZORS and STOP RUNNING!
YOU'LL GET HURT IF YOU FALL.
THERE ,I FEEL BETTER NOW.
I USE HUMOR TO MAKE SOME SORT OF SENSE TO MY MADDNESS,
I FEEL IF I CAN LAUGH A LITTLE, IT SEEMS TO MAKE THINGS A LITTLE EASIER FOR ME.
I'M NOT SAYIN THIS IS'NT SERIOUS BUSINESS,
LIKE YOU I'M FINDING A WAY TO COPE WITH UNFAMILAR FEELINGS.
I'M GIVING YOU A PAT ON THE BACK WHETHER YOU WANT ONE OR NOT.
YOUR DOING GREAT MIKE,KEEP IN THE SPIRIT YOU'VE GOT,IT'S A GOOD ONE!
ANK OO IKE, :andy:

:camper: NOW THAT'S FUNNY.

Paulie

When I think like you are thinking, it is my disease talking to me. You are reaching out just by posting what you did. Stinkin thinkin, I know that very well. I was the ultimate oh poor me girl!! What I have learned in recovery is when I feel like that I am asking for attention. I have learned and am still learning to not look outside myself for approval. What matters is how I feel about me.

mik577

I think some of your thinking and analizing is some worry, self doubt, doubt and fear of change maybe. What I believe is its only human and you are getting to know yourself and your feelings which have been covered over by drugs. We're all the same made in the image of God and Loved unconditional by Him and others. Take it easy relax and never worry. You are admired by me for your taking action such as reading and doing things and discovering things you like to do. This is the way I feel now and am going through at htis time too. Good to read your post th ethe others. It has helped me. Thanks,barb2004(mik577)

mnj1024

Per request of TED I have put the scissors down. I feel better now too, humor is all that gets me through some days. I'm going to keep working on the good things I'm doing and remember that I'm doing them for me and not to impress others. I don't know where I stepped off the path on this but thanks for the nudge back. yeah wicked unfamiliar feelings so in retrospect, I see that I am scared and screaming for attention, no matter what form it may come in. Thank you all for helping me to see it for what it is, but more importantly just for helping me in general.

mike

ted

MIKE ,
THE LITTLE GUY,SAYS ALOT,KEEP GETTIN IT!
WHEN I WAS USING IT WAS QUITE SIMPLE TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS.
JUST STUFF THEM AWAY SOMEWHERE.
NOW BEING SOBER,I HAVE TO FIND A HEALTHY WAY
TO FACE THESE FEELINGS,LOOK AT IT,
AND DEAL WITH IT.ANGER AND RESENTMENTS ARE A BIG ONE FOR ME.
I'M HOPING TO FIND A WAY TO ACCEPT THESE FEELINGS
FOR JUST WHAT THEY ARE,AND WHY AM I FEELING THAT WAY.
NOBODY CAN MAKE ME ANGRY UNLESS I LET THEM.
LOTS OF SELF SEARCHING GOING ON HERE,
THANK GOODNESS FOR THE THERAPY,KINDA LIKE
A SWIFT KICK IN THE ASS.A LOVING KICK THOUGH.
YOU KEEP SEARCHING FOR THE ANSWERS,YOU WILL FIND THEM!
YOUR A BIG HELP MIKE,THANKS


:uzi2:

Dan

Stuffed feelings Ted. You're so freakin' right. If something was going to even remotely come close to threatening my so called freedom to use, I'd stuff it away so quick that I would come to believe it never really existed in the first place. Fear? Remorse? Guilt? I simply pulled a Houdini on these things when they would show up. No time man! Gotta use, gotta drink. Gotta get to work so I can use and drink. You know the story. Yeah Mike, the living room feels empty sometimes doesn't it... And that guy in the mirror... Who is that? I like what Paulie says a lot. It's our disease talking. That little voice whispering... Hey man, time for a little bit of chaos chum. I'm getting bored over here... Addiction is never satisfied. It will always want another chunk of me. Insidious, yes? The moment I start thinking that I'm done making deposits at the insane savings and loans, I might as well roll up my sleeve and say Mmmmm... which vein today.
You are reaching out Mike, with honesty and blind determination. Some days, when I feel like you do, I just don't question it anymore. There comes a time when knowing I went to sleep last night clean is enough. If that's all I have some days, I'm miles ahead. We are promised a better life. And I have big faith in that. For both of us.

gemini rebel

Hey Mike,
I've been going thru the same phases you described, this week has been my down.....depressed, uncertain you name it week. I know it can't be good all the time that would be insane to believe. I'm a very analytical person as well but since I've been going to Al-Anon I've learned that the thinking is that hamster wheel spinning out of control and I just have to say STOP and put myself in the present. I look for positve readings and pull myself out of those depressing thoughts. I don't share very often at meetings, I was raised to keep personal things within the family....now that I have a sponsor I hope to be able to share/release some of those feelings, but I haven't been able to let myself trust......yet. The feelings are raw and about to brim over so my HP will let me know when the time is right.
dina

suebug

Hi Mike~I'm brand new around here, but was compelled to respond to your thread. It sounds to me like you've been doing some SOUL SEARCHIN, not necessarly overthinkin'! You were insightful and honest with yourself enough to realize that you have a tendency to engage in pity or praise parties. It's awesome that you caught yourself and talked yourself out of that pattern. Many people never even recognize or admit such painful aspects of themselves. Now that you are feeling a little depressed, comming off of a natural high, you worry that you might slip back into those ways. Very important and SMART "thought", because if you aren't careful, you will. However, it is human nature and healthy to wish for some kind understanding (sympathy) and praise in life. It's just finding what is a comfortable boundary for you. I hope you won't try to be perfect as you continue to heal yourself. There is no more haze to shelter you from yourself, so "over thinking" might not be such a bad thing. Just don't forget to celebrate the accomplishments you've made. You are an inspiration...

Suebug

mnj1024

Hi suebug, and welcome to the site. I'm honored this is the first thred that you chose to respond to. hopefully others will see this and give you the proper welcome that you deserve. A thought just occurred to me while reading your post. No matter how hard I try, just like everyone else in the world, I am not perfect and never will be. Thanks for pointing that out to me, you may have just saved me a lot of fututre disappointment. I will keep that in mind and just continue to do the best I can. I'm glad your here and it sounds like we all may have a lot to learn from you.

thanks, mike

suebug

Ya know, something occured to me the other day, which is partly why I have come to this board and why your thread was particularly moving to me.

We would never treat an innocent newborn child as we treat ourselves. We would never give them a drink which would allow them to pass out, black out or potentially kill themselves. We would never fill their beautiful little lungs with smoke, nor would we expect them to be perfect in their thoughts or actions. I realized this sounds kind of corny, but when you think about it, aint' it the truth! Anyhow, just more to "over think!" Great to meet you & best of luck to you!!!!