spiritualatheist

So I have been clean and sober a long time, 22 out of the last 26 years. I did it with help from NA and AA. I still go to meetings although I work a program of rigorous honesty and that means I can't use the figment of my imagination about God, to help me because honestly I doubt a God exists. But I do believe there are many powers greater than myself. Alcohol for one. lol.

What I want to say here is that being c & s has gotten worse than boring. It is hard having no crutches in this society of crutches. I don't want to be fat or unhealthy so junk food and cigars are out. I'm truly not a workaholic or a workout freak. I hate drama and bad relationships and good ones are extremely hard to come by. I can't even find people that interest me much because they are all consumed with their crutches. So I find myself hanging out alone or irritated by stupid people most of the time.

Blah... I know I am just bitching but really, life is dull. I've done it all and I feel like, now what? More of the same. I know what I like to do and that is all I want to do. I entertain suicide sometimes possibly because that is what drinking and using would be for me. Life is also hard. Taking care of a body, whew! WTH was God thinking? And the whole world is an absolute mess. But me, I'm okay. I got mine don't you know. It's just that I'm not sure I really like it. I feel like I am in a trap I did not create. And please don't tell me to change it. Been down that path. What I need are some interesting, truly caring, willing people to trudge this uphill path with. Because if you aren't religious they are far and few between.

Any kind words would be welcome. I just feel ******. New comers beware, life is still life.

Vall

Dear spiritualatheist,

despite your obvious bad mood right now, you sound a lot of fun and someone who would be nice to be around :>

I am sure we all find it hard sometimes living with no daily fireworks or buzzes.

I bet you could find something, one little thing that you haven't done/tried before and see if you like it.

As you can see I am an eternal optimist. One of my favourite quotes:

I am an optimist, unrepentant and militant. After all, in order not to be a fool an optimist must know how sad a place the world can be. It is only the pessimist who finds this out anew every day.

Peter Ustinov

Dee74

Hi and welcome spiritualathiest

yeah life is still life...I think everyone goes through rough times, addict, alcoholic or not...but it's got some pretty amazing up sides, surely?

You'll find a lot of friends and support here

D

onlythetruth

Spiritualatheist: It very much concerns me that you mention you are considering suicide. I hope you will consider seeking professional help.

RobbyRobot

Hey, spiritualatheist, welcome to SR!

Sorry you're in the dumps about the sober life right now, and I've been where you are after a few years of being clean n sober too. I was almost 10 yrs sober, back in 1990, and I was suicidal too after being informed of yet another medical setback to my long and enduring medical history. As a matter of fact, I just last month had major surgery to again better my quality of life. Anyways, back then, I had to eventually drop out of college and seek medical treatment including corrective spinal surgery. My now ex-wife was pregnant with our first and only child, and I was being told my medical condition would not allow me to work or attend classes in a regular 40 hr week. In effect, I was being forced into permanent early retirement at age 36. Being sober at the time didn't really seem to be ringing my bells much, you know? I sought counseling because I was getting to the point of explaining to myself that driving my car into a concrete bridge support at high speed should off me nicely enough to do away with all my problems in one go...

Well, the counseling worked, and here I am, still sober, and still retired, hahahaha. I'm well off though, made some smart investments and life is sweeet in my retirement from a monetary position, so things can really change when change is on the menu, you know? And my daughter, now 22 yrs old, is happily enrolled as an honors student in a private college school of art, and that is good in itself she is able to pursue her dreams too. I've re-married, and so has my ex-wife. My wife and I are happy and satisfied with our lives.

So, I'm hoping you can share more of what is bringing you down to the point of thinking on suicide. Are you seeing a counselor or a doctor?

Awesome achievement on your sobriety. Seriously.

Happier

Sorry you are having a rough go of it. Hope you get some input that may help.

I am just wondering if you have discussed these things with your doctor. I am not implying that you are, but Lots of folks are clinically depressed. There is no fault or shame in it.....it is sometimes nothing more than chemical imbalance that can be treated relatively easily. Just like any other physical condition. Anyway, a Doctor would know what to try.

Regardless, I hope you stay sober and keep trying. Life is life and there will be rough patches but is can and does get better too. Maybe right around the corner ??

kkrazylex

Sometimes thats the way life is.....theres no way "you have done it all" because that is impossible, life is full of opportunity good and bad, everyone picks theirs

Mizzuno

I know that there is sobriety and then there is SOBRIETY. It sounds like emotionally and mentally you are way down and almost " intoxicated" from this low state. Are you willing to talk with a doctor before you decide anything? Life does not have to be this way. I hope that you come back and post.

spiritualatheist

Yeah, I also suffer from a few dissociative disorders. So I do see doctors regularly but they can't help much. I do thank all of you though. It was so nice to get feedback. I just feel done with life sometimes.

NewBeginning010

Welcome to SR SA

I know you may not feel great right now but wow 10 years sober

There are so many that can learn from you & your story, many alcoholics are in deep pain spiritually, mentally, physically & emotionally. Can you share a bit more about your story and why how you quit. My keyboard is acting up so I cant do any question marks or forward slashes lol

rubbersoul

I thoroughly agree with onlythetruth, you should see a doctor. I wish you well. All your years of sobriety are very impressive!

Gottalife

I have heard this story many times before, and indeed experienced it myself. It is always darkest before the dawn.

TSDD

I feel that way sometimes. I don't think Alcoholics have the monopoly on feeling that.

I find that when I'm feeling sorry for myself I'm comparing life to what I think it should be rather to what it used to be. Some time around people struggling to get sober generally cures that feeling.

If you're an introverted type (most likely you are) some alone time may help. A quiet vacation does me good sometimes.

On the other hand, when I double up my meetings and/or start riding with some people who are enthusiastic about being sober I run into some really good people who are about doing the right thing and it can restore some of my faith in humanity. Becoming a hermit is probably not completely healthy

Feel sorry for yourself for a while. You're entitled to do that if you like. Don't drink and don't off yourself and you'll sort it out. I'm guessing you felt like this before and got past it.

Steinway1998

Sorry to hear that you are feeling the way you are.

I agree with Onlythetruth also. I think you should see your doctor.

pipparina

first, congratulations on your sober time.
Anniversaries can be weird. I know for me, I sometimes feel I should be further along in life, in my kindness, without any character defects yada yada yada.

As for boredom, I have been through periods where I've asked myself "is this all there is?" But introducing some drama only makes me yearn for the quiet times again.

I've had to be creative to find ways to keep the spark in my life. I run, but I'm not a fanatic. I have pets that I adore. I've come to love podcasts and am learning economic theory with them. For me, the key is to keep my curiosity about life.

spiritualatheist

That post was last year! Woea. And may be it won't work to comment on this thread.
I was grieving. I had another awakening to the fact that I had been brainwashed in AA and was kind of 'disowned' by the groups I attended when I tried to talk about it. But it's over. I have accepted that I am not like them. So what? I feel sorry for people who are deluded period. We all are of course but at least I know I when I am.
So AA has totally lost it's magic for me and now I see it for what it is, another religious cult. I know you AAers won't like that but you treat people like me like **** so I don't really care. Your primary purpose you say is to help alcoholics recover and stay sober. BS! If a person is really honest and doesn't believe, they are outcast! I'm over it. I feel better. And, I didn't drink!
I have 10 years and 7 months now. 23 out of the last 27 years. Lots of experience, and since I delve into more investigation I discovered that many people recover without donating their life and abandoning everyone who isn't helpful to their delusions. In fact I feel more healthy and less mentally ill too!
So, I still pop in to AA, hell you're the biggest game on earth. I do need fellowship and support. I am a terrible alcoholic and I know I can't successfully drink ever again. Too bad I can't get support worldwide without having to go to churches and do things I don't believe in but at least there are rooms full of folks who understand they can't drink either. Real support would be better. I attended an sos group 'Save Ourselves' while visiting the big city. So refreshing. People just supporting each other with out all the other bs. I met a guy with 10 years who'd never been to AA and had the brainwashing experience. What a difference.
Newcomers beware: You do not have to adhere to anything. You just need to stay sober. Give yourself time. Work on yourself mentally and physically to get healthy. It takes time! Get the support you need and learn whatever you can, but keep in mind that lots of people get sober. AA's program is another obsession. Just go to meetings, don't get a sponsor. It is up to you. Don't drink no matter what. You will heal and no longer need as many meetings or to hang out with people you don't fit with. You do not need to trade your friends, family, or ideals, if you don't want to. You don't need to find some higher power. It is within you. You just need to give up the booze and start living. Life is great if you give it a chance to be. Normies are great. Don't let anyone deceive you, even me.

Dave H

Congrads on 10 years!! You're an inspiration to many of us.

neferkamichael

Spiritualatheist, 10 years 7 months? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. I'm an Evolutionist when I started going to aa and I doubt I'll ever finish the steps, 2 years 10 months sober, but I do like the fellowship. I've witnessed the oldtimers argue about what aa is or isn't. I take full responsibility for my sobriety, it is me that decides not to drink.

fairlyuncertain

An inspiring bada55 story of 'take what you like and leave the rest.'
I think your post could help a lot of people, thanks for the follow-up and congratulations!

freshstart57

Achieving the understanding that I have within me what I need to live a sober and fulfilled life, after 30 years of addiction, was an incredible revelation of freedom and empowerment. I am happy for you that you have attained this too. Congratulations to you! Onward!