TribalSpirit

I sent this email to several of my recovering friends and would love your thoughts


I am beginning to see that self-hate is the gateway to healing and for all
of us who had childhood neglect or wounding and we all carry self-hate if we
have been disappointed and wounded. It is the core of I am not good enough
to be healthy and well. It is also such a threat to see that our core is
self-destructive and self hating that our psyche will go to any lengths,
distractions, addictions or drugs to block the awareness.

I see in myself and many friends that we engage in externals to look for
reasons because this place is so dark and painful and frightening to
encounter. The dissonance of the strong centered persona we try to
pseudo-construct verses the shamed, wounded,self-inflicting, guilty part of
ourselves creates psychological tectonic plates we fear are ready to give
way should we stop vigilance and denial.

I have been reading the stories of others on this path and they all relate
that touching this place feels like annihilation and certain death. This
buried part thinks we need to be slain while other parts want to live.
Classic case of Cognitive Dissonance or internal conflict. Just as a country
can not stand divided the health and sanity consequences of a divided soul
is profound.....I am finding!!

The AMA reported that up to 85% of patient presentations to primary care
doctors are from stress- what could be more stressful than an internal
conflict that has festered for decades and is masked by the fear of
annihilation.

I think what is even more profound is that we reinforce this self-hate
continually with our thoughts, choices and behaviors. And that most of us
have learned not to feel we have no ability to see what these
self-destructive behaviors are. As soon as we say not me...tag you are it!!

If you were wounded in childhood you will have this challenge no matter the
amount of denial and compensation.

This is some deep Booga-Booga - scares the crap out of me and still I know
it is a journey I have to take.

Good resources

Self-Loathing Resources - Band Back Together

Healing Self-Hate / Self-Destructive Patterns

blakezly

Childhood neglect and self hate are hard to accept .....thanks fo your post

onlythetruth

Yes, I agree. When I talk about all the therapy I did...well, this is what it was about. My various addictions were essentially a way of numbing the fact that I believed I was a fundamentally flawed, unlovable person. I knew I was not going to be able to live my life carrying that belief around. And there was a small, tiny core of me that knew it wasn't true.

Getting better DID mean that I had to confront that belief and all the feelings surrounding it. It was extremely painful and also frightening at times. It took a lot of courage...I'd never realized how much courage I have until I did it!

I will say that this is not something to be done on one's own. It is like soul surgery.