what a difference acceptance make...
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 186
what a difference acceptance make...
I have finally accepted my alcoholism. Truly.
I first started struggling with sobriety about 2 years ago, But something in me has been resisting all the time. I didn't really accept that I was an alcoholic. I couldn't deny that I had been addicted to alcohol, and that it had gotten me to a really bad place, but I still couldn't accept that I was different from other people when it came to drinking.
So, I have been spending a lot of my sober time planning how and when I'll go back to drinking moderately. The truth is that, looking back, I think I was allready an alcoholic at age 18, allready had bad withdrawals, had reached a very high tolerance, allready had loss of control and blackouts... But for some reason I always thought that people who commented on my drinking were being silly and took things to seriously, even made fun of their warnings in my head... Please, as if I wasn't in control of my drinking....
Well, maybe I should make fun of myself now for being so naive.
My lack of acceptence has led me to a few relapses. It has allso kept me in the same place, not moving forward in my recovery. How is it possible to move forward if you can't accept the most fundamental things about yourself?
I have made myself believe this lie that one day I'll be happily sipping a few glasses of wine with friends and my relationship with alcohol will have somehow changed. This is crazy.
The fact that I have more or less serious issues with my health because of alcohol, but I still worry more about when I will get to drink again then about what drinking did to me, is crazy. I have risked my life many times while drinking, both because of the amount I drink in it self and because I put myself in dangerous situations. This could happen again if I drink again because there is no stopping once I start.
I have hurted people, I have been fighting with people and I could have seriously injured someone. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I once did something like push a broken glass in my boyfriends face....I don't remember it, he told me about it after. Nothing happened luckily, but what if it had? He could have gotten scars, he could have gotten the glass in his eyes, but incidents like that (there are many), have never been enough to make me say goodbye to drinking...
I could never remember how I got home, I have woken up in different places, even in different cities in public places. I could never remember what I did. I have spent days just drinking, sleeping, drinking, sleeping around the clock when left to my own devices.
My withdrawals after a period of heavy binging were a clear sign of alcoholism, but I thought that my hangovers were just a bit more intense then other peoples.
Well no more. Suddenly it's just crystal clear to me that i'm an alcoholic. So why torture myself with failed attempts at fitting alcohol in my life moderately? To be compleately honest, I don't think I've ever drank moderately and I feel no desire to have a glass or two. The thought of that actually seems like torture to me.
I was never a normal drinker and I don't need to be. Abstaining alltogether is so much easier for me.
Accepting this finally allows me to move forward. I just need to completely let go of alcohol.
Just wanted to share this new realization=)
Thanks to anyone who read it all.
I first started struggling with sobriety about 2 years ago, But something in me has been resisting all the time. I didn't really accept that I was an alcoholic. I couldn't deny that I had been addicted to alcohol, and that it had gotten me to a really bad place, but I still couldn't accept that I was different from other people when it came to drinking.
So, I have been spending a lot of my sober time planning how and when I'll go back to drinking moderately. The truth is that, looking back, I think I was allready an alcoholic at age 18, allready had bad withdrawals, had reached a very high tolerance, allready had loss of control and blackouts... But for some reason I always thought that people who commented on my drinking were being silly and took things to seriously, even made fun of their warnings in my head... Please, as if I wasn't in control of my drinking....
Well, maybe I should make fun of myself now for being so naive.
My lack of acceptence has led me to a few relapses. It has allso kept me in the same place, not moving forward in my recovery. How is it possible to move forward if you can't accept the most fundamental things about yourself?
I have made myself believe this lie that one day I'll be happily sipping a few glasses of wine with friends and my relationship with alcohol will have somehow changed. This is crazy.
The fact that I have more or less serious issues with my health because of alcohol, but I still worry more about when I will get to drink again then about what drinking did to me, is crazy. I have risked my life many times while drinking, both because of the amount I drink in it self and because I put myself in dangerous situations. This could happen again if I drink again because there is no stopping once I start.
I have hurted people, I have been fighting with people and I could have seriously injured someone. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I once did something like push a broken glass in my boyfriends face....I don't remember it, he told me about it after. Nothing happened luckily, but what if it had? He could have gotten scars, he could have gotten the glass in his eyes, but incidents like that (there are many), have never been enough to make me say goodbye to drinking...
I could never remember how I got home, I have woken up in different places, even in different cities in public places. I could never remember what I did. I have spent days just drinking, sleeping, drinking, sleeping around the clock when left to my own devices.
My withdrawals after a period of heavy binging were a clear sign of alcoholism, but I thought that my hangovers were just a bit more intense then other peoples.
Well no more. Suddenly it's just crystal clear to me that i'm an alcoholic. So why torture myself with failed attempts at fitting alcohol in my life moderately? To be compleately honest, I don't think I've ever drank moderately and I feel no desire to have a glass or two. The thought of that actually seems like torture to me.
I was never a normal drinker and I don't need to be. Abstaining alltogether is so much easier for me.
Accepting this finally allows me to move forward. I just need to completely let go of alcohol.
Just wanted to share this new realization=)
Thanks to anyone who read it all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Wow, thanks for posting that...I'm sure that will help so many people. I don't think I could drink moderately anymore (too much evidence to the contrary) but I don't think I've truly excepted my alcoholism, the doubt is still there. Posts like this really help us as I think we all doubt it for far too long x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Great post. I particularly agree with:
"Why torture myself with failed attempts at fitting alcohol in my life moderately?"
Torture is the right word, though it's often substituted with deluded ones like "enjoy" or "being social" when we think we want to pursue moderate drinking.
"Why torture myself with failed attempts at fitting alcohol in my life moderately?"
Torture is the right word, though it's often substituted with deluded ones like "enjoy" or "being social" when we think we want to pursue moderate drinking.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by sable1 
I was never a normal drinker...
I wasn't a normal drinker and I was never going to be. Been sober ever since.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 522
Thanks for that post sable1.
If I'm being honest, I am still struggling with acceptance. I must be the most stubborn SOB on the planet.
So much of your post rings true with me as well.
Somehow I still think "a few beers with the fellas" will be just fine.
Experience has shown this is not true.
When will I stop fighting and just accept it?
If I'm being honest, I am still struggling with acceptance. I must be the most stubborn SOB on the planet.
So much of your post rings true with me as well.
Somehow I still think "a few beers with the fellas" will be just fine.
Experience has shown this is not true.
When will I stop fighting and just accept it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 186
Thanks to everyone for the replies. If anyone feel helped by my post I'm happy.
It does feel as if something has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel ready to let go of my emotional need for alcohol, so now I can really focus on getting back to being me, moving forward.
Amazing how things happen when you're ready for them to happen.
When it comes to accepting our alcoholism, I think that we need to go through what we need to in order to reach that point. Everything will run it's natural course and you can't force things to go faster...
I've felt angry, depressed, been in denial, been jelous of normal drinkers. I thought I was "stuck", but now I realize that some things just take time.
It does feel as if something has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel ready to let go of my emotional need for alcohol, so now I can really focus on getting back to being me, moving forward.
Amazing how things happen when you're ready for them to happen.
Originally Posted by SDSurfn
Thanks for that post sable1.
If I'm being honest, I am still struggling with acceptance. I must be the most stubborn SOB on the planet.
So much of your post rings true with me as well.
Somehow I still think "a few beers with the fellas" will be just fine.
Experience has shown this is not true.
When will I stop fighting and just accept it?
If I'm being honest, I am still struggling with acceptance. I must be the most stubborn SOB on the planet.
So much of your post rings true with me as well.
Somehow I still think "a few beers with the fellas" will be just fine.
Experience has shown this is not true.
When will I stop fighting and just accept it?
I've felt angry, depressed, been in denial, been jelous of normal drinkers. I thought I was "stuck", but now I realize that some things just take time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 92
This is where I need to be. Accept it, get well and realize I can do all the things I do sober. And much better. Our band played last new years eve. Our guitarist is sober almost 3 years. Our singer drinks, but can have one and then drink water. Our drummer says he will drink till he dies and I didn't have a single drink until 11:30 that night, other than water. Lord.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Sarasota FL
Posts: 281
Great post! An odtimer early in my sobriety once said "The key to staying sober the rest of your life is realizing you can never drink again." Took me awhile to comprehend that....however I found it true for me eventually....total surrender and acceptance. 28 years later....it's still the Truth.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 184
SDSufn, if you're the most stubborn SOB on the planet, I must be the second! I, too, am struggling with accepting the idea that I can NEVER drink normally....because sometimes I can. But, when I do, I (usually) don't enjoy it...I resent that I can't have more. I don't enjoy having one, and I don't enjoy having ten, and I am, quite honestly, getting a little frustrated with myself for continuing to do what I don't enjoy. Masochist?! 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
i tend to look at it as I just cant drink today.
Looking at a lifetime of no drinking freaked me out so much that i drank some more.
it felt like losing a friend
but if i thoguht of not seeing my freind for one day i could handle that
11 months later, no need to see that friend.
i have GREATER friends now
Looking at a lifetime of no drinking freaked me out so much that i drank some more.
it felt like losing a friend
but if i thoguht of not seeing my freind for one day i could handle that
11 months later, no need to see that friend.
i have GREATER friends now
In love with life.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MA & UK
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by sable1
To be compleately honest, I don't think I've ever drank moderately and I feel no desire to have a glass or two. The thought of that actually seems like torture to me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: CO
Posts: 42
Thank you sable1 for this post.
I, too, feel that I finally have reached acceptance, and it's a great feeling.
The turning point came a few days ago after finding journals of mine from 10 years ago in which I was saying the exact same thing to myself as I was saying last week- that if only I could figure out a way to drink normally, that I wished I could just quit but couldn't, that I couldn't really have a problem, etc. The only thing I never did in 10 years was accept my alcoholism and decide to quit for good, forever.
tara
I, too, feel that I finally have reached acceptance, and it's a great feeling.
The turning point came a few days ago after finding journals of mine from 10 years ago in which I was saying the exact same thing to myself as I was saying last week- that if only I could figure out a way to drink normally, that I wished I could just quit but couldn't, that I couldn't really have a problem, etc. The only thing I never did in 10 years was accept my alcoholism and decide to quit for good, forever.
tara
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: i live in my own world, but it's okay, they know me here...
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This reminds me of something I read. I can't remeber where, but it hasn't left my mind ever since.
I am not stupid. I only act that way when I drink. I will never drink again.
1-2 drinks = frustration
3-5 drinks = more drinks
6+ drinks = stupid drunk
3-5 drinks = more drinks
6+ drinks = stupid drunk
I am not stupid. I only act that way when I drink. I will never drink again.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
Acceptance. Such a little word. I tell myself that I've accepted that I'm an alcoholic. But I'm still struggling with that, as much as I'm struggling to not drink, if not more.
Maybe those are related, I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired of beating myself up.
Maybe those are related, I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired of beating myself up.
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