A Wicked Case of the Nevers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
A Wicked Case of the Nevers
This is yesterday's entry from my blog. I am not allowed to link to my blog here apparently, but I really wanted to share this with everyone anyway, so I just copied and pasted it. I hope you enjoy reading, and get something out of it!
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Here I sit, 15 days into sobriety, and wondering if I can really do it this time. It's been nearly two years since I walked through the doors of Narcotics Anonymous, where I was welcomed with open arms, and told that I never had to use again. Of course, as so many before me, I thought I was the exception. I'm not that bad. I did a different drug than you. Alcohol is different, I can quit 'real drugs' and continue to drink. One more time won't hurt. I've got the hang of it now. I don't want to change the people, places, and things in my life. I don't need your help. I don't need to work the steps. I don't need to call my sponsor. I have panic attacks, so I HAVE to use! ANYTHING to prove that I really wasn't "like them".
In April of 2010 I went to rehab. I was still the exception in my own mind. I could handle myself. Now that I'd been through rehab, it was no longer my responsibility to stay clean. If I failed, it was because the SYSTEM failed. I am helpless. I have a disease, it's not my fault! Excuse after excuse, I kept them coming. White keytag after white keytag, I had an explanation for why my relapse was someone else's fault.
The thing with addicts is-- we ALWAYS think we're the exception. Every single one of us has pointed to someone else and said "That will never be me."
I'll never do drugs.
I'll never do hard drugs.
I'll never do THAT drug.
I'll never shoot up.
I'll never be addicted.
I'll never steal to buy drugs.
I'll never sell drugs.
I'll never prostitute for drugs.
I'll never look like that.
I'll never overdose.
I'll never get arrested for drugs.
I'll never go to prison for drugs.
I'll never care more about that next high than I do about my job/family/friends/life.
I'll never, I'll never, I'll never....
And yet, however many times we do something we said we will never do, we find a new never.
"When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer
function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all
face the same dilemma. What is there left to do? There seems
to be this alternative: either go on as best we can to the bitter
ends—jails, institutions or death—or find a new way to live."
(copyright NA World Services, inc)
Everyone has their bottom. Some will continue down the path of destruction, no matter what the cost. Some people never know there's a better way. Some people coat themselves thickly in denial, and march through their 'nevers'.
"I'll never let drugs take my life."
Millions of people lose their lives to drugs each year. They all started out with 'nevers'. Addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. In the end, it is deadly. If we are lucky, we find recovery. When we seek out recovery, we begin to tear down the walls that keep us from becoming 'a part of'. We seek the experience, strength, and hope of other recovering addicts, and we begin to understand that we are no exception. When we finally accept that recovery is the answer, we begin to heal.
Now there are plenty of us who fall off the wagon. Some never make it back. The great thing I've found about NA is that, no matter how many times I have failed, I was always welcomed back with open arms.
12-step programs are by no means the only way to recover. There are tons of groups, methods, and techniques that can help a person recover from drug addiction. For this addict, however, the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. The NA Basic Text is written by addicts, for addicts. Addicts like me.
I can no longer afford to be the exception.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Here I sit, 15 days into sobriety, and wondering if I can really do it this time. It's been nearly two years since I walked through the doors of Narcotics Anonymous, where I was welcomed with open arms, and told that I never had to use again. Of course, as so many before me, I thought I was the exception. I'm not that bad. I did a different drug than you. Alcohol is different, I can quit 'real drugs' and continue to drink. One more time won't hurt. I've got the hang of it now. I don't want to change the people, places, and things in my life. I don't need your help. I don't need to work the steps. I don't need to call my sponsor. I have panic attacks, so I HAVE to use! ANYTHING to prove that I really wasn't "like them".
In April of 2010 I went to rehab. I was still the exception in my own mind. I could handle myself. Now that I'd been through rehab, it was no longer my responsibility to stay clean. If I failed, it was because the SYSTEM failed. I am helpless. I have a disease, it's not my fault! Excuse after excuse, I kept them coming. White keytag after white keytag, I had an explanation for why my relapse was someone else's fault.
The thing with addicts is-- we ALWAYS think we're the exception. Every single one of us has pointed to someone else and said "That will never be me."
I'll never do drugs.
I'll never do hard drugs.
I'll never do THAT drug.
I'll never shoot up.
I'll never be addicted.
I'll never steal to buy drugs.
I'll never sell drugs.
I'll never prostitute for drugs.
I'll never look like that.
I'll never overdose.
I'll never get arrested for drugs.
I'll never go to prison for drugs.
I'll never care more about that next high than I do about my job/family/friends/life.
I'll never, I'll never, I'll never....
And yet, however many times we do something we said we will never do, we find a new never.
"When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer
function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all
face the same dilemma. What is there left to do? There seems
to be this alternative: either go on as best we can to the bitter
ends—jails, institutions or death—or find a new way to live."
(copyright NA World Services, inc)
Everyone has their bottom. Some will continue down the path of destruction, no matter what the cost. Some people never know there's a better way. Some people coat themselves thickly in denial, and march through their 'nevers'.
"I'll never let drugs take my life."
Millions of people lose their lives to drugs each year. They all started out with 'nevers'. Addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. In the end, it is deadly. If we are lucky, we find recovery. When we seek out recovery, we begin to tear down the walls that keep us from becoming 'a part of'. We seek the experience, strength, and hope of other recovering addicts, and we begin to understand that we are no exception. When we finally accept that recovery is the answer, we begin to heal.
Now there are plenty of us who fall off the wagon. Some never make it back. The great thing I've found about NA is that, no matter how many times I have failed, I was always welcomed back with open arms.
12-step programs are by no means the only way to recover. There are tons of groups, methods, and techniques that can help a person recover from drug addiction. For this addict, however, the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. The NA Basic Text is written by addicts, for addicts. Addicts like me.
I can no longer afford to be the exception.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((OWW))) - wow, of the first 10 things on your "never" list, I not only SAID them all, I ended up doing most of them.
Today, I do say "I'll never let another substance control my life again" but I know that it depends on working my recovery program which, for me, is bits and pieces of different programs, ES&H from people here, and a little bit of trial and error in the beginning.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Today, I do say "I'll never let another substance control my life again" but I know that it depends on working my recovery program which, for me, is bits and pieces of different programs, ES&H from people here, and a little bit of trial and error in the beginning.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
NAIOU
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Last house on the block.
Posts: 359
I started recovery in 1988 in NA. I got 5 years clean and went back out. 3 years clean any went back out and a few 1yrs. I could just not get it. Today it seems to be different. If I make it to June I will have 7 years clean and sober. I would not give this up for any other way of life. It has been a long road to travel. I am not responsible for my addiction but I am responsible for my recovery. Its a new day and a new way. Hope this helps someone. Love and Respect. logo
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