Relocating With No AA Classes..Does it work?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Relocating With No AA Classes..Does it work?
Im just not understanding a couple of things on the A side....Hope you can answer these questions...
First off Im the wife of a Recovering AH. He was in rehab for 30 days. Things were mentally hard on both of us when he came home.
He couldnt get his act together holding a job here. We both agreed we needed time apart. Within 2 weeks of rehab, he relapsed for a weekend!!!
Then the next day he packed up & moved across the country. So here I sit, holding the bag again!
Relapse: He acts like it is was no big deal.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???
Relocationg: He works lots of hours now, and says this is part of his recovery and doesnt have time for AA classes.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???
First off Im the wife of a Recovering AH. He was in rehab for 30 days. Things were mentally hard on both of us when he came home.
He couldnt get his act together holding a job here. We both agreed we needed time apart. Within 2 weeks of rehab, he relapsed for a weekend!!!
Then the next day he packed up & moved across the country. So here I sit, holding the bag again!
Relapse: He acts like it is was no big deal.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???
Relocationg: He works lots of hours now, and says this is part of his recovery and doesnt have time for AA classes.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,937
A relapse 2 weeks after a 30 day stay in rehab is a big deal in my opinion.
Not attending AA meetings because he works too much doesn't sound good.
Using geography (moving to a new location) doesn't solve the problem. He is still taking "himself" along on his move.
Sorry to say this, but I don't think he has reached his bottom yet.
Not attending AA meetings because he works too much doesn't sound good.
Using geography (moving to a new location) doesn't solve the problem. He is still taking "himself" along on his move.
Sorry to say this, but I don't think he has reached his bottom yet.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Sounds like he's not dealing with his issues and thinks you will handle everything that needs done. I would guess you've done most of it anyway.
Work on picking up the pieces and living your live the best way you know how. His journey is his own. You can recover from this and become a stronger healthier woman. I know its hard but do it for you, not him.
I wish you the best.
:ghug3
Work on picking up the pieces and living your live the best way you know how. His journey is his own. You can recover from this and become a stronger healthier woman. I know its hard but do it for you, not him.
I wish you the best.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
I agree with the others Bobby. It would seem he isn't in recovery - meaning making change in his life, having support and accepting what he is. Just quitting, relapsing and not making the effort to change and seek any type of support program raises the red flag to me. Its sad but it is this that has kept many of us from moving forward and tackling our addictions ya know.
What you can do is work on that bag you hold so to speak and take control of your life. Whatever he is doing is not of your control but how you choose to handle your marriage and your life is 100% yours. Perhaps looking into support for yourself would be a good thing. You can do this and I think Opivotal's post sums it up.
We are here to help and you will find strength and courage in ways I am sure you have not yet imagined.
What you can do is work on that bag you hold so to speak and take control of your life. Whatever he is doing is not of your control but how you choose to handle your marriage and your life is 100% yours. Perhaps looking into support for yourself would be a good thing. You can do this and I think Opivotal's post sums it up.
We are here to help and you will find strength and courage in ways I am sure you have not yet imagined.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
IT MEANS........ you need to be checking out Alanon (if you're not already).
relapse IS a big deal - IF he's alcoholic. For an alcoholic, to drink is to die. If he doesn't have time for AA meetings, he'd be one of the very few over the past 75 yrs then......there are meetings everywhere. Usually the problem isn't that there isn't time, it's that there isn't the belief that they're important.
Most ppl new to recovery are convinced they don't need to stop forever......and when they DO think they want to stop, they tend to think they can do it on their own. Then again, most spouses and family members of alkies think they don't need any help either and that it's the alkie who's causing all the trouble.
relapse IS a big deal - IF he's alcoholic. For an alcoholic, to drink is to die. If he doesn't have time for AA meetings, he'd be one of the very few over the past 75 yrs then......there are meetings everywhere. Usually the problem isn't that there isn't time, it's that there isn't the belief that they're important.
Most ppl new to recovery are convinced they don't need to stop forever......and when they DO think they want to stop, they tend to think they can do it on their own. Then again, most spouses and family members of alkies think they don't need any help either and that it's the alkie who's causing all the trouble.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Running away, working lots of hours and not attending AA isn't part of his recovery. It's an excuse to keep drinking. And when you say "holding the bag again." I take it this isn't the first time he's left you. And you weren't clear here - does he expect you to sell the house and join him?
I hate to say this, but I don't foresee a bright future here. You need to start looking after your own interests as I doubt you husband is concerned with anyone other than himself. Kim and Optival have already suggested this.
DayTrader suggested Alanon, a very good idea if you haven't done so already. Alanon has a saying that i really like. Although it's harsh it deals with reality. "When the horse is dead, dismount." This is something that you're going to have to consider at some point. I hope things work out well for you. You deserve better than this.
I hate to say this, but I don't foresee a bright future here. You need to start looking after your own interests as I doubt you husband is concerned with anyone other than himself. Kim and Optival have already suggested this.
DayTrader suggested Alanon, a very good idea if you haven't done so already. Alanon has a saying that i really like. Although it's harsh it deals with reality. "When the horse is dead, dismount." This is something that you're going to have to consider at some point. I hope things work out well for you. You deserve better than this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Thanks for everyones comments!!
Yes, I am in Alanon and it has helped me tremendously! Over the past 2 weeks, Ive
had alot of internal healing, serenity and beginning to think more clearly (coming out of the fog).
But I would say, what has helped me alot also, is understanding the alcoholic.
Example: What makes them tick, Why do they do or say those things, What is recovery for them, Why do they run, etc..
Kind of like "Hands On Learning"
I guess thats why I asked those questions, because I dont understand why he felt he needed to move or why relapse was no big deal or why he cant find time for AA classes.
It has helped me, not buy all of his excuses....
For me learning the behaviors of an alcoholic, has helped me detach and has helped me lay down some of my anger, with the understanding his behaviors and ways of thinking are not rational. It has also helped me undertand, that Im not going crazy (ANYMORE)
He is working 16 hour days, and I realize those are long days, but it has helped me understand from your post on how important those things are to his recovery.
Which in turn, has helped me understand my feelings & has helped me set some pretty big boundaries for myself, if he decides to move home tomorrow.
Never being raised in that enviroment, I was clueless to what was going on in my life/marriage. Maybe, If I would have been educated on the diesase & the damage that it does to people, familys and myself, I would have had some type of warnings signs and would of had time to run earlier in the game.
I guess I had the dumb blonde syndrome, and thought it was just too many simple cocktails or he had a bad day...
I would like to say THANKS again for helping me see the light!
It's getting brighter everyday!!
Yes, I am in Alanon and it has helped me tremendously! Over the past 2 weeks, Ive
had alot of internal healing, serenity and beginning to think more clearly (coming out of the fog).
But I would say, what has helped me alot also, is understanding the alcoholic.
Example: What makes them tick, Why do they do or say those things, What is recovery for them, Why do they run, etc..
Kind of like "Hands On Learning"
I guess thats why I asked those questions, because I dont understand why he felt he needed to move or why relapse was no big deal or why he cant find time for AA classes.
It has helped me, not buy all of his excuses....
For me learning the behaviors of an alcoholic, has helped me detach and has helped me lay down some of my anger, with the understanding his behaviors and ways of thinking are not rational. It has also helped me undertand, that Im not going crazy (ANYMORE)
He is working 16 hour days, and I realize those are long days, but it has helped me understand from your post on how important those things are to his recovery.
Which in turn, has helped me understand my feelings & has helped me set some pretty big boundaries for myself, if he decides to move home tomorrow.
Never being raised in that enviroment, I was clueless to what was going on in my life/marriage. Maybe, If I would have been educated on the diesase & the damage that it does to people, familys and myself, I would have had some type of warnings signs and would of had time to run earlier in the game.
I guess I had the dumb blonde syndrome, and thought it was just too many simple cocktails or he had a bad day...
I would like to say THANKS again for helping me see the light!
It's getting brighter everyday!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
A phone call tonight from RAH that didnt go too well.
I havent asked him in weeks if has drank. So tonight I did.
BOOM! Wrong- Question to ask, I guess.
RAH Reply:
"I WORK ALL THE TIME, WHEN DO I HAVE TIME TO DRINK" There you go again, your never gonna let it drop are you??? I only have 1 day off and Im very tired and dont need to hear your negative comments!!! If I had time I would go to AA, but I work
all the time and only have 1 day off, so when do you think I should go???? Tell me that one.........
Me..Ugggg
Next sentance: If I send you money, would you fly here and visit me? I miss you.
Me..Ugggg
Me....Mixed Feelings after tonight, and Im sad, I was doing so good...
I havent asked him in weeks if has drank. So tonight I did.
BOOM! Wrong- Question to ask, I guess.
RAH Reply:
"I WORK ALL THE TIME, WHEN DO I HAVE TIME TO DRINK" There you go again, your never gonna let it drop are you??? I only have 1 day off and Im very tired and dont need to hear your negative comments!!! If I had time I would go to AA, but I work
all the time and only have 1 day off, so when do you think I should go???? Tell me that one.........
Me..Ugggg
Next sentance: If I send you money, would you fly here and visit me? I miss you.
Me..Ugggg
Me....Mixed Feelings after tonight, and Im sad, I was doing so good...
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