Kassie2

I have a question for those early in recovery. My husband got sober last year after 8 months of separation. We initially had a good reunion and then we didn't. Have others here gotten sober and not wanted to stay M?

We have been married 31/2 years, separated 11/2 yrs ago b/c of his drinking and assorted behaviors. He wants me to forgive and forget all his stuff but remains overly sensitive and angry about anything I say or do. He insists that we have tried everything and nothing works - that if it was going to work then it would do so without so much trouble. I think he doesn't realize all the damage requires a lot of work to recover and takes time and committment which he is still bad at doing. Any comments or insights to offer?

least

I would recommend you post this question in the Friends and Family of alcoholic forum. Lots of people there with similar experience. (((hugs)))

hps

Sure, after I was sober for 1 year, my wife proposed splitting up (didn't happen at the time). Now it's six months later, not much work on the marriage (on either side), but the idea of splitting up is getting more attractive for me. I we both have similar issues, the fear for each of us is that the other is a millstone, and is holding the other back from a better life.

One thing I've heard from others in the fellowship is that anger from the spouse of the alcoholic doesn't really go away. So maybe both you and your husband's expectations should be adjusted.

Anna

I would also add that sometimes people just don't get along, and that alcohol has disguised the problem. So, when the alcohol is gone, the problem is still there.

I wish you both the best.

joedris

Your husband is only physically sober - he's abstaining from alcohol. There is a lot more to recovery than just abstinence. Until your husband realizes that and gets into a recovery program such as AA, he's never going to change. He's what's called a dry drunk. The only difference between how he was 8 months ago and now is that his breath doesn't smell anymore. I'd suggest you concentrate on yourself and try to get on with your life.

Painful93

Oh God, relationship issues and recovery. I remeber how I used to look at my woman and think, when is she gonna' get over this? I would think that I have a few weeks clean, why can't she just forget about it?
For myself, there are tons of issues and a great deal of hard work that needs to be done before we can re connect. And, truth be told, I might not want to re connect. Perhaps because I was very needy in my addiction I latched onto her in an attempt to find safty ot shelter form the storm. But it's a New dawn and we both have to look at this in a new light. I heard in a meeting when it comes to relationships, first get a plant, if it doesn't die after a year then get a pet and if that doesn't die in a year you might be ready for a relationship. Of course this is not to be taken literally but you get the point. Good Luch and god bless

leathertom

We have a whole chapter devoted to repairing the damage we have done.And RECOVERY has to take place in our hearts and minds before we can do anything external.
Ive been sober 25 yrs and its almost in stone as to your exact question we all go thru if we've been in any relationship.And so its helpful to trust the process of recovery and that not to make any major decisions in the first yr or 2 .When we become able to be honestly objectful abt our behaviour,to see how we have caused problems ,and as a result of being rescued ,(not drinking) from the fire of insanity,we can then use the steps to ask a sponser to give us sane useful advice,as asking this question here youll get 100 different answers,but the ones who have gone thru the fire,and have recoverd they will support you in the repair of your relationships.But the relationship with a higher power has to come first then the rest will fall in place.God bless you and so,,,no god no peace,,Know GOD KNOW PEACE

Spawn

There is a difference between being sober and being in recovery. Has he tried going to meetings? or seeking any outside help?

Kassie2

thank you all for your responses. I think I understand better now. At first things were great between us and then they weren't. I realize now that he is just trying to cope with life and the things he did. He can barely take care of himself let alone take part of the caring in a relationship. I on the other hand realize that I have been short sighted about how much he is dealing with and how my expectations are way off center for the situation.

vegibean

Have you tried a counselor to discuss your issues? Anything is worth fighting for if you two want the marriage to work, however I find that having a professional or maybe even a priest, church person, help you look at and discuss the issues.

I, for one, am gratefully divorced and my husband served me the papers. I'm sober almost 2 1/2 years now and there is NO WAY in my sober mind I would go back to the way I lived with him and all of his horrible behavior. Take away my drinking and there were issues anyway. He wasn't willing to change then, I'm sure he hasn't changed now but has talked about us getting back together. The thought of that makes me think that's just a relapse waiting to happen.

That's my story. There are people out there that have made it but it'll take work on both parts and the fact that everyone has been affected with his using. I'm sure you both have a lot of stuff to "dump".

Best wishes to you.

joedris

Having just read this again I suggest that you try al-anon for a while. There you'll get a better idea of what's going on from people who've been in your situation. And your husband needs AA if he's ever going to recover.