Is it ever ok to give offense?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
Is it ever ok to give offense?
Hi
As I try to change my alcoholic and negative habits/thoughts/ideas I need some advice from people who have more time in recovery than me. With the holidays coming up I am facing a lot of uncomfortable situations, mostly having to deal with being around family and friends of family. My instinct is to avoid these situations completely by just not being around at all. By avoiding them I would offending said family and friends as they would know that I was avoiding them as I have done so many times in the past. If I avoid them however, I will save myself a lot of axiety and mental well being. My question is, do you think it is okay to give some offense to these people if it will save me from unnecessary hardship? Thanks for any opionions.
As I try to change my alcoholic and negative habits/thoughts/ideas I need some advice from people who have more time in recovery than me. With the holidays coming up I am facing a lot of uncomfortable situations, mostly having to deal with being around family and friends of family. My instinct is to avoid these situations completely by just not being around at all. By avoiding them I would offending said family and friends as they would know that I was avoiding them as I have done so many times in the past. If I avoid them however, I will save myself a lot of axiety and mental well being. My question is, do you think it is okay to give some offense to these people if it will save me from unnecessary hardship? Thanks for any opionions.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 572
My sobriety comes first before anything. A day may come - don't care how long it takes - when I am strong enough to deal with these things and that time will also allow me to comfortably explain why I have behaved the way I did. Until then though, nope, nothing is coming between me and my sobriety.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
If you feel it is not safe, comfortable, self-respectful, conducive to your sobriety and/or your serenity or whatever else for you to be around your family (or anyone else) at the holidays (or at any other time) you have the right (and the responsibility to yourself and to your recovery) to not be around them.
If you keep in mind the program adage "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it meanly" when you decline any invitations or discuss your plans with people who may have expectations of you that you have tried to meet in the past and are now deciding to no longer try to meet, you will be both "doing what you need to do to take care of yourself" and "keeping your side of the street clean." So, if other people choose to be offended and have a problem with it, that is their problem entirely because you are not giving offense, they are choosing to take it!
Personally, I find it is always a little awkward at first when I try to modify my behavior so as to better take care of myself around family...and very often family members will engage in all kinds of drama and escalate some of the very dysfunctional behaviors I'm trying to get away from in order to try to pull me back into the old patterns that -- regardless of how unhealthy they are -- help maintain the unhealthy status quo. I just have to keep reminding myself that the new behavior feels awkward because it's new, not because it's wrong, and keep in close contact with people in recovery who I can trust to support and encourage me until the new healthy behavior becomes comfortable and natural for me.
Take care of you -- for the holidays and everyday! You do deserve it.
freya
If you keep in mind the program adage "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it meanly" when you decline any invitations or discuss your plans with people who may have expectations of you that you have tried to meet in the past and are now deciding to no longer try to meet, you will be both "doing what you need to do to take care of yourself" and "keeping your side of the street clean." So, if other people choose to be offended and have a problem with it, that is their problem entirely because you are not giving offense, they are choosing to take it!
Personally, I find it is always a little awkward at first when I try to modify my behavior so as to better take care of myself around family...and very often family members will engage in all kinds of drama and escalate some of the very dysfunctional behaviors I'm trying to get away from in order to try to pull me back into the old patterns that -- regardless of how unhealthy they are -- help maintain the unhealthy status quo. I just have to keep reminding myself that the new behavior feels awkward because it's new, not because it's wrong, and keep in close contact with people in recovery who I can trust to support and encourage me until the new healthy behavior becomes comfortable and natural for me.
Take care of you -- for the holidays and everyday! You do deserve it.
freya
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
Thanks for your responses. It is 12:17pm now, people will start showing up in a few hours. I am still in fight or flight mode, not sure what I am going to do. Then it will all happen over again on Christman and then again in January a a huge party my folks are throwing. ARG!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 333
Alright I have survived Thanksgiving, barely, and this was only with my husband and kids this year. But in 3 weeks we are leaving to head back to MA for Christmas and I so do not want to go. Any helpful hints to prep myself for family confrontations, stress, resentments and not to mention going back to where it all started over 16 years ago? Oh yeah, and the only person who knows about my addiction is my brother so it's not like I can tell everyone not to mess with me because I am a recovering drug addict. I will be 21 days clean tomorrow and by the time we go back I will be sober a little over a month but I know that mentally I am no where near strong enough to get by yet. Thanks for your help!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Find out in advance where some meetings are in MA so that you have an escape hatch when things get too crazy. If anyone asks where you are going, just say, "I have a few errands to run." Secret errands are expected around Christmas.
I thought when I first went to family functions, people would ask a lot of questions about why I am not drinking (NA counts alchohol as a drug, so I'm abstaining). They didn't even notice. I just said "Not right now" when offered a drink. Nobody cares that much about others because people are so wrapped up in their own drama. Be a good listener, and people will seek your company this season without bothering you about your life. I don't know about your family, but mine always has a shortage of good listeners and too many story-tellers!
My other advice: When things get stressful, take a kid/pet break. Find where the babies and/or pets are hanging out and play with them or offer to take them to the playground or for a walk. Moms and dads appreciate the break and kids won't stress you out with a bunch of awkward questions! Unconditional love and affection is healing.
KJ
I thought when I first went to family functions, people would ask a lot of questions about why I am not drinking (NA counts alchohol as a drug, so I'm abstaining). They didn't even notice. I just said "Not right now" when offered a drink. Nobody cares that much about others because people are so wrapped up in their own drama. Be a good listener, and people will seek your company this season without bothering you about your life. I don't know about your family, but mine always has a shortage of good listeners and too many story-tellers!
My other advice: When things get stressful, take a kid/pet break. Find where the babies and/or pets are hanging out and play with them or offer to take them to the playground or for a walk. Moms and dads appreciate the break and kids won't stress you out with a bunch of awkward questions! Unconditional love and affection is healing.
KJ
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