Stubborn1

My rah is seemingly really into this recovery I need to know what it entales. I know the ninety in ninety. But what else should I expect? I've read the twelve steps but I don't know what he's doing. Am I supposed to be talking to him about this?
Should we be doing things together or should he be taking it easy?
Is there literature about what he expects during recovery?
Is there literature on what I should expect during recovery?
Kinda like those baby books, what to expect when you are expecting. lol

Since he's serious........I'd like to know what might lie ahead of me and how to handle it. Al-anon here is filled with non recovering addicts.
Do I need to attend AA meetings now, with him or on my own. I don't want to interfere with his program.

nandm

Unfortunately I don't have any experience to share on this topic as I am a recovering alcoholic but I would suggest you try posting in the "Friends and families of alcoholics" forum as there should be many there who can share their experiences with you on this.

Boleo

This might not make any sense but the spiritual solution to recovery does not make any sense to those who have not "lived it".

Talking about it is just going to make him realize that it is not always rational and will probably end up confusing the hell out of you. Al-Anon is your best bet to understanding just how convoluted it all is.

cassandra2

ANVILHEAD.....I just have to say what a great analogy. Light bulb goes on....AHHHH ok....I get it....

Stubborn1

Thanks to you all. I wasn't meaning I wanted to work his program with him per se but are there ways to "support him" as a wife. I don't want to get involved because I think it's something that should be private inside of him but I want to make sure I'm not bringing up things from the past to get answers if it's making him uncomfortable.
We talked tonight about a few things and I feel a ton better. At least I know he is comfortable and things aren't that bad.
It seems the majority on FAFOA are dealing with active alcoholics and not recovering alcoholics and that's why I posted it here.
I wanted to know "what is recovery" I'll search the net.

Sugah

Read the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous). There's a chapter called "To the Wives" (which, we know today, also means "To the Husbands"). Although some of the language in it ruffles my feminist feathers, it's still good stuff.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Mark75

Hi Stubborn1

As you know from my posts, I am a RAH. I remember those books well !! We had four babies... I've been looking for books like that too.

I think it bothers my wife too, my recovery and what to say and do. I feel distance open occasionally and it really hurts. I am working my own recovery and she can't work it for me. I know you know that.

I decided I need to help her a little. She's threatened by, and a little skeptical of, the twelve step programs. She's also the type that if she feels no predictable concrete result will come from expressing how she's feeling, she will be silent.

I was feeling the distance open a little last night and this morning. So as we were lying in bed before getting up, I gently got her to open up some. She wants our lives to get back to normal (whatever that is and/or is going to be...), I need to get back to work (friday) and she's worried about our next to youngest son, school, scouts, driving permit and I'm obsessing about this recovery thing too much (doing the other things will help...).

SO...whatever my point is (LOL), I could tell she felt better, I felt better, and, for now we are moving forward again. I need her to tell me how she feels, a lot more than I used to...well, maybe I wasn't listening as much as I should have.

I need her, so much, to help me work my recovery. What she can do for me is keep me in touch with how she's feeling, what she's thinking, or at least as much as she wants to share. I let her down so much the last couple of years and she will need to learn to, and I will need to earn it, trust me with her feelings and innermost thoughts again. But when she does, it brings us so much closer and that constant knot in my stomach eases somewhat.

I hope what I've said helps a little. If you find a good book, web site for wives of RAH, let me know, either post it or you can PM me anytime about whatever...

Pam08

Hi Stubborn, I am the alcoholic, my husband is angry with this whole thing. I think he believes it is an instant cure when i did rehab, not understanding the intensity of this disease. I would be thrilled if my husband offered to go to an open meeting of AA with me. so he could see what it is and hear others with years of sobriety whom still go everyday, and still struggle. Unfortunatley my husband has not, and I do not beleive he really cares to help in that way of support and understanding. I do not think going alone is good, but if he welcomes you to go I think that would be great for both. Support is what I would like to have from my husband, know that he supports what I am trying to do, BE SOBER. You seem to want to do that as you are posting to that affect. Alanon I heard is good. Maybe see if you can find a meeting locally. It is hard on the alcoholic, but I surely know that it has to be incredibly hard for the spouse. Life changing for both people. Keep plugging support is there for you.

Mark75

Hey! Stubborn1 - I found that book - co-written by the same authors of "What to Expect..." It is "The Recovery Book" by Mooney, Eisenberg and Eisenberg - Same format, publisher, etc. They had two copies at my local Barnes and Noble. Though copyright is 1992, it all seems up to date and relevant.

I like it very much. Good sections on early sobriety, later sobriety, spouses, relationships, section for the non-A spouse, etc... Check it out you may like it too.

Boleo

Abstinence is NOT DRINKING and feeling bad about it.

Recovery is NOT DRINKING and feeling good about it

sailorjohn

Just a thought, there is this little 12 step program called Al-Anon. They have meetings, just for you.