achanceonu

Hi everyone. I was hoping that I could ask you all a favor. I am sober now for a few months and am working my recovery to the best of my ability. I had been floating in and out of AA for quite some time now, but never really "got" it until I had that spiritual awakening. Since then, I have made my sobriety and my recovery the main priority in my life, knowing that if I don't, nothing else good in my life will fall into place.

My gifts are being received almost daily. My oldest daughter has been returned to me legally by the court system, and my youngest is on her way. I currently have joint legal and physical custody of my baby, where before I only had visitation rights. I am finally starting to feel like a "Mom" again and am so very grateful that I am now well enough to take that task back on. I am also so grateful to my family and my daughter's father (even though we hate eachother) for stepping in and taking them from me, because it gave me the opportunity to focus on me and start to get well. My 2 girls coming home to me I know is a gift from my Higher Power because of my honest sobriety.

It took awhile for me to be grateful for my alcoholism, at first I was mad that my sponsor said that having my children taken away and losing my soulmate was a gift from God, because it made me focus on myself. I hated her for saying that, but in time I came to realize that it is so true. Without my losses I would not be here today, clean and sober and active in my recovery, instead of active in addiction. I am truly a "grateful recovering alcoholic"!

A little history in the relationship department for you all. Please bear with me. My soulmate (who is not an alcoholic or addict) and I have been together off and on for over 7 years. During what I thought was a "break" I hooked up with another alcoholic and started feeding off of him. We fed eachothers addiction. I quickly became pregnant with my now 22 month old. I am a binge drinker and would stop for lengths of sobriety but did continue to drink here and there, even when I was pregnant. The father never stopped me because I'm sure he knew he was losing his "drinking" buddy. Us alcoholics we are selfish you know. I've spent the last 2 1/2 years flipping back and forth between my daughter's father and my soulmate. I love my soulmate, but he was a force in the way of me drinking and in my mind he would get in the way of my bottle. I spent 2 1/2 years manipulating anyone and anything I could to protect my booze and my "right" to drink. I did not want to quit drinking and would go to any lengths to make sure I protected that part of my life, despite the losses I was enduring on the way. I wasn't thinking about whom I hurt in my path of destruction, I only really thought of how I could continue to drink.

During that time, I would try to stay sober, sometimes for a few months at a time, but I was still obsessing about it constantly, thinking of when I would be "able" to drink again, and making sure I had it set up so that I could without any interference. I was the best at manipulation.

I lied, cheated and betrayed my soulmate beyond belief because he wouldn't let me drink, and the baby's father never had a problem with it. I tried to protect both relationships and I failied. But in my heart I did love my soulmate (and still do) so I could never really cut the cord with him. Deep down even during that dark time, I knew and still know that we are meant for eachother. He accepted my unexpected pregnancy with love and tried so hard to make things work between us. We had a future together and my disease sabotaged it.

I was talking to my soulmate the other day. He told me that he doesn't believe that all my actions in the past were due to alcohol. He said that I had been sober throughout all the bad stuff too, so I couldn't blame it all on booze. I'm not trying to blame booze entirely. I know it was my actions, sober or not, that was the end all of us. However he doesn't quite understand that even though I wasn't drinking at the time, I wasn't really in recovery. He doesn't understand the drive behind addiction and how one can be so manipulative. He also doesnt understand that even though I was sober, I wasn't really truly sober. He believes that I don't love him, and never did because if I did, I would have never lied to him, and cheated on him, or I should have chose "us" and our future. He doesn't quite understand that I wasn't capable of that.

I am currently trying to give him some space so that he can try to heal on his own. He is unwilling for us to try to heal "together" until he can heal himself. In the meantime, I continue to work on me and will always put my recovery above all else. I am practicing patience and acceptance.

With the exception of parenting, the baby's father and I have no relationship and we never will again. Our only commonality is/was booze. Without that we have nothing to offer eachother. That chapter of my life is finally over! Whew, thank God! I never really loved him in the first place, but we were drinking partners and being the good little alcoholic that I am I had to manipulate that situation to protect my right to drink at the time. I am grateful that I don't feel the need to do that anymore!! What a relief!

My soulmate has always been one to try to educate himself more about my addiction and be supportive. He's gone to AA meetings with me and sober function to learn more and show his support.

So, for the favor. Is there anyone willing to share their own personal story about active addiction? Whom you hurt in the process? Anyone that can explain the drive to manipulate? The drive to protect their active disease? The force of desire so strong that you didn't think about who you hurt, and never really cared anyway? How a dry drunk acts? I really would appreciate any personal stories and/or good links to direct him to. He keeps telling me that I never truly loved him or else I wouldn't have treated him the way I did. That to me is likened to when people tell me that if I just loved my children enough, I wouldn't have neglected them for drinking and I would of never lost them. I love my children more than the world, but that bottle was calling my name constantly. I take responsibility for my actions, but he thinks that side of me was the "true" me and is extremely hesitant to learn the "real" me. The kind, loving, trusting, and responsible me. Not just who I was way back when, but how I am continueing to grow daily and improve me even more so!! I was not an active alcoholic when we first me, so he has seen some part of the "true" me. That monster that I became is just not the person I am.

Thank you all for your help. Sorry that this was so long winded.

Achanceonu

:praying

michigangirl

I dont really have much of a story to tell or if this will even help. Today is my first day on this site.

I do know that I am here because I continue to hurt the people I love when I drink. I love my husband more than anything, but I am probably meaner to him than any one else. It takes such a control over me, that nothing else matters at that time. This does not mean you love the person any less.

Latte

My addictions counselor really helped explain it to my husband. He knew how to spot an addict/alcoholic (a lot of training in the Coast Guard) but he didn't know about the other stuff.

Boleo

Try the personal stories in the back of the Big Book plus the older ones that were moved to "Experience, Strength & Hope".

ClimbingUP

I'm not sure if you're going to like my opinion, but I don't believe that alcohol is a disease that causes bad behavior. I believe that abusing alcohol is a symptom of other, underlying problems. Although, once we become habituated to drinking, the desire to drink does feel like it takes on a life of its own. Perhaps your soulmate is trying to get you to recognize certain underlying issues you might have that caused you to choose alcohol over your family and relationships?

Personally, I have always suffered from depression and anxiety. I've used alcohol to self medicate and help me run away from responsibility. I'm struggling with quitting right now because I developed a habit of drinking in response to anxiety. Until I learn different coping strategies for my anxiety, I'll still crave the release from anxiety that I always got from alcohol.

I have also and will probably continue to struggle with rationalizing why I should be able to drink. I think this is similar to what you call manipulating people who get in the way of your booze and your right to drink. Often, even in the midst of our worst behavior, we know that what we are doing is wrong. The mind is great at constructing elaborate defense mechanisms to protect us from seeing what we don't like about ourselves. When people try to get us to stop drinking, our defense mechanisms come out in force to defend why there's nothing wrong with our drinking. Why there's nothing wrong with us.

jurneyman

We as in the program of AA are not trying to deprive you of your right to
drink Alcohol, we are trying to free you from it.

Dean62

Alcohlics Anonymous first addition Page 62
Alcohlics Anonymous first addition Page 18
Addiction isn't pretty, period. Yes you were sober some of the time when you made your decisions but you were also sober every time you picked up that first drink.

Might help?

michigangirl

ClimbingUp - I completey agree.

kj3880

All of our stories are different, but really, Chance, all of them are the same in very basic ways. We couldn't stand to feel our feelings, so we numbed them down with alcohol and drugs. We hurt many people but most of all we hurt ourselves. We have amends to make as part of our 12-step programs as a result. We thought we were different, needed something to cope with life that others didn't need, and we thought that we'd found it in drugs/drinking.

I experienced the same need for fellowship, for hearing other people's stories, for just being with other addicts/alcoholics, that you seem to be feeling. I go to a lot of NA meetings to meet my needs. This weekend I went to six meetings because I was coping with some new feelings that come with a few months of sobriety. What we're going through now is normal for where we are at. And where we are at is right where we are supposed to be. More is yet to be revealed. Love from:
KJ

Ago

Thank you so much for your "share" Achanceonu

I've read it a few times, and have been tempted to respond, but it's been a long time since "I was you"

I was just unskilled in the extreme...but I beat myself up far more then anyone else could (at that time).

By living one day at a time, working the steps, and getting and staying sober I repaired much of the damage I had caused in the past, on step nine, we make amends, the most important of which I believe is a "living amends" in which we stop the harmful behavior to others and become a positive part of their lives...it takes time, but it takes time for them to trust us, because we broke that trust, and frankly, it takes time for us to stop "acting out" in many ways, there are a lot of ways to cause hurt to others, not all of them are apparent in early sobriety in my experience.

One of the things I used to say is "This isn't me, this isn't like me, I never do this" and what I had to learn was it wasn't just like me, it was me, it was me in that set of circumstances, So I had to make the decision and take the action in order to change me from being that person any more, no matter what it took, or what it "looked like"

One of the most important sayings in the Big Book, in my opinion is, "I used to judge myself by my intentions, while the rest of the world judged me by my actions" and my actions harmed others. I had to learn to judge myself by my actions, and if my actions continued to harm others I had to change them, and if I had harmed someone it would take some time before they could, and should, trust me again.

Something a therapist once told me was I had two completely separate and distinct personalities, the "good" half, and the "bad" half, and what I would do is try and try and try and try with the good half, but things wouldn't go my way, so then out would come "the bad half" the one that drank, and cheated, and was hurtful...when I got sober I tried to suppress "my bad half" but the truth is, and was, that is part of me, part of who I am, and it has a lot of the power of my personality.

Not the "actions" of my "bad half" mind you, but that part of me that acted out, what she told me was I needed to integrate that part of me into who I was..I'm having trouble explaining it, but that was the part of me that "protected me" and had all of the forceful aspects of my personality in it, and I needed to learn how to integrate it into who I was in a healthy and positive way rather then using it to "act out".

Anyway, I'm not making much sense, but I wanted to say how much your post helped me, specifically, what brought me to soberrecovery was a relationship with a woman who is/was a practicing alcoholic, who shared many characteristics and behaviors with you, she is very recently in recovery, she had started the program and had drank a few times and lied to me about it, if she stuck around her new sobriety date would be the day after I left her I think, she was drinking when I broke up with her, but ultimately I ended up leaving her, I wasn't able to remain sane and stable in the face of all these behaviors, I had to leave her for both of our sakes, it was no longer healthy for either of us, and it had become apparent to me that it would never be healthy as long as I stayed, no matter how much I loved her, so it helped me to read "what it was like to be you" or actually in a very real way, "what it was like to be her", and I was able to "forgive you" and "give you a chance to change" so I'm hoping it will help me be able to "forgive her" for also having this disease, and all of these characteristics, behaviors, denial, etc which I am in the process of doing (forgiving her).

I hope she "gets it", I really do, I hope she thrives here in the rooms, and hopes she has a life that's happy, joyous and free, and finds "true love" and her "soul mate" someday as well, your very lucky to have found yours.

Next and ongoing is forgiving myself.

Thank You

:ghug3

TIPTOPDUMMY

i HAVE BEEN ATTENDING NA MEETINGS AND ALSO ONE ON ONE COUNSELING WITH MY DAUGHTER FOR 3 OR 4 WEEKS. mY THOUGHTS WE THAT SHE WAS RESPONDING POSITIVELY UNTIL TONITE WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT SHE IS USING PILLS AND DRINKING AS WE SPEAK. i AM SCARED ANSD DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. MY STOMACH IS CHURNING. HELP

CarolD

TIPTOPDUMMY...
Welcome to SR

You might want to check out our section

Friends & Family of Substance Abusers

to find information and support.

It's sad when our loved ones are involved with drugs and drinking.

LeaA

I was reading your post written from the perspective of someone who is now very honest about how drinking effects the people in your life.

Living with an active alcoholic is the most difficult thing to tolerate and still live (I think) There are things the average person assumes about his or her day....that your spouse will be home for dinner, you know how much money you have in the bank, no one will have taken your car, no one will have pawned or stolen things from your home, your spouse will tell you the truth when you ask a question....

My boyfriend lies to me everyday, his lying has become such an itegral part of his personality that he will and does lie about anything, even small things that would be just as easy to tell the truth about.

He has stolen money from my checking account, stolen checks from the middle of my checkbook, pawned my possesions, cheated on me....

Catherine Knapp writes in her book, Drinking a Love Story...that alcohol was not involved when EVERY bad thing happened, but when Alcohol was involved bad things happend.

My boyfriend is a chaos creator, he drinks everyday sometimes just enough to be slightly sloppy and sleepy (which are good days) and other times until he is staggering and belligerant.

I want to make this about me and not the alcoholic so I want to tell you how it feels to be wth an alcoholic. It is the most hopeless lonely feeling I could ever describe. Somtimes I am afraid, (when he is raging) and I worry for my safety and the safety of my dear little pets. I worry that he will lash out at us.

It seems that nothing is about me anymore, my needs worries and desires have been completely eclipsed by his alcoholism. No one will ask me if I am sad or happy today, no one really cares anyway. Nothing is a given. I do not know if my boyfriend will be here for dinner or what condition he will be in when I see him. I am anxious and depressed everyday, I have a very hard time focussing on the things I need to do to better myself. I am currently unemployed (was a copywriter). I am constantly recovering from the events of the day before.

When he is sober he is delightful, charming bright..we enjoy many of the same hobbies and endevours.

In his opinion I make a big deal out of everything. He says he doesn't think the things that happen in our household are worthy of getting upset about and we should just move on.

He actually asked me a question that left me dumbfounded today (and that has not happened in a long while). I told him that being in the company of a staggering slurring sloppy drunk was disgusting. He asked me "why". I did not know what to say.

I think that for we who are witnessing and not drinking the most upsetting thing is the lack of normal we face everyday. Nothing can be taken for granted. It's like slipping and falling...brushing yourself off and thinking you will not fall again...only to fall again and make yet another vow that the last fall was the last time...and on and on and on.

If I were a truly magnanimous being I would be able to see him for the hurt child or the damaged soul he truly is all the time...but I am human was well....I have fears, and doubts, I am falable, and I have needs of my own..and when you are with an alcoholic your needs are never fullfiled.

I am as close to hopeless as I have ever been. My boyfriend says he cannot afford treatment. I myself do not know if AA or Al Anon would be helpful for us...he is opposed to AA...I tried Al Anon and hated it. He was in outpatient treatment this year....it did nothing. (probably because he did not want help). He is currently in lawschool and I would like to help him get himself together....but I do not know how to help someone who does not want my help. I do not see how it is possible to help someone against their will. As I said I am unemployed and without going to a shelter I have no where else to go.

I just do not understand the selfishness involved in alcoholism. If I thought my actions were hurting someone else I would stop...or try damn hard to everyday. The complacent attitude and ambivelance toward the hurtful things he has done to me make me want to shut down and withdraw from my life...I do not even want to get dressed most days. I am being eclipsed...soon I will not be here at all.

Dee74

Hi Lea

Welcome to SR

This is a pretty old thread - if you want to communicate with others who know what you're going through and will give you advice I recommend the Family and Friends forums here - they're a great bunch of folks

The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com

I've seen this from a few different prespectives - I think, regardless of what you feel about al-anon, it's fundamentally true what they say about the 3Cs....we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it....thats the alcoholics job.

I'm sorry for the position you find yourself in Lea - but you'll find a lot of support here
D

faith101

LeaA- I can completely relate to you. I'm gonna try out the online meeting tonite at 9 for fam and friends- it might be 'different' than your experience with Alanon?