I can't do anything right
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 8
I can't do anything right
In my mother's eyes. 1 week of being clean for me. She doesn't seem to care about that.
I spent most of last week torn up, crying, trying to find an treatment center that would give me some information, something. Also spent most of the week eating.
When you do cocaine you don't want to eat as much. Last week I ate a lot. But to my mother who I live with, she threw up in my face that the food was for her and my daughter. I finally asked her would she rather me eat or do drugs?
I know why she's upset with me because I'm not working. It's hard to tell her that right now if I work that's not going to help me with my recovery. Right now money is the root of all evil for me. If I have it I spend it on drugs. Until I can get into a better place mentally I'm afraid to get a job because I don't have to will-power or control of not going to cash the paycheck and then using it to buy drugs. Oh some may see it as an excuse, but I made $350 one week ago and guess what I spent it on? She doesn't want to understand or maybe she can't understand.
I'm not perfect by any means, noone is really. But her constant putting me down doesn't help in my recovery efforts at all. I already feel worthless enough by my own doing. I haven't been the greatest daughter nor mother to my own daughter. But why must she constantly have to remind me of that?
Right now she's telling me if I don't get a job (which in one month I'd have to quit because I may be going to jail) then I need to leave. She would have a place for my daughter and herself but me she doesn't care about. I have nowhere to go. Nor would that help me in recovering. But she doesn't care. All she can see right now is the bind I've put her in financially and how she feels emotionally.
How can one be selfish with their recovery when someone doesn't understand why you have to be selfish in it?
I spent most of last week torn up, crying, trying to find an treatment center that would give me some information, something. Also spent most of the week eating.
When you do cocaine you don't want to eat as much. Last week I ate a lot. But to my mother who I live with, she threw up in my face that the food was for her and my daughter. I finally asked her would she rather me eat or do drugs?
I know why she's upset with me because I'm not working. It's hard to tell her that right now if I work that's not going to help me with my recovery. Right now money is the root of all evil for me. If I have it I spend it on drugs. Until I can get into a better place mentally I'm afraid to get a job because I don't have to will-power or control of not going to cash the paycheck and then using it to buy drugs. Oh some may see it as an excuse, but I made $350 one week ago and guess what I spent it on? She doesn't want to understand or maybe she can't understand.
I'm not perfect by any means, noone is really. But her constant putting me down doesn't help in my recovery efforts at all. I already feel worthless enough by my own doing. I haven't been the greatest daughter nor mother to my own daughter. But why must she constantly have to remind me of that?
Right now she's telling me if I don't get a job (which in one month I'd have to quit because I may be going to jail) then I need to leave. She would have a place for my daughter and herself but me she doesn't care about. I have nowhere to go. Nor would that help me in recovering. But she doesn't care. All she can see right now is the bind I've put her in financially and how she feels emotionally.
How can one be selfish with their recovery when someone doesn't understand why you have to be selfish in it?
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Seeking Solace welcome to the forum.
It took my family YEARS to finally understand that I was through with drugs and that I wanted to change my life.
Everytime some problem surfaced in my life they were all expectantly waiting to see how long it took before I was back on the drugs again.........it never happened.
After what I put my family through, I could not blame them when they found it hard to believe the things I said...
As far as your mom is concerned she may just believe you are "between binges" you have a lot of work ahead of you to try and rebuild shattered trust.
Of course I do understand how difficult it is living in a situation where your faults are constantly flung back at you but with nowhere else to go your best options is try to talk to your mother and learn to abide by her rules. It is after all her house.
I understand also your need to take some time out to recuperate before going back on the work scene but in the meantime try and do as much as you can around the house Let her understand you dont expect a free ride and that you want to make a contribution. Cook dinner, run some errands for your mom. Let her know you are willing to work towards a solution.
Recovery is about change. Show by your actions that you are willing to change.
Then, when you finally do go back to work. Let somebody else you trust handle your paycheck. If money is a trigger for you. Have as little contact with it as possible. You can arrange for your trusted friend to handle your finances for you until you feel you are strong enough to handle it yourself.
Get into action.
Join a support group near you. NA is excellent. You will make friends and have people you can talk to when the pressures at home start to get to you.
The word "selfish" is too often misunderstood in recovery circles.
Being selfish does not mean I think only of myself but rather that I put my "recovery" first.Without our recovery we have nothing
In other words "being selfish in my recovery " means I structure my day in such a manner that I will always have time for myself. It does not mean I run off and leave mom alone with the baby.
The longer you remain clean the more you will be able to understand and deal with the pressures of life.
Best of luck to you.
It took my family YEARS to finally understand that I was through with drugs and that I wanted to change my life.
Everytime some problem surfaced in my life they were all expectantly waiting to see how long it took before I was back on the drugs again.........it never happened.
After what I put my family through, I could not blame them when they found it hard to believe the things I said...
As far as your mom is concerned she may just believe you are "between binges" you have a lot of work ahead of you to try and rebuild shattered trust.
Of course I do understand how difficult it is living in a situation where your faults are constantly flung back at you but with nowhere else to go your best options is try to talk to your mother and learn to abide by her rules. It is after all her house.
I understand also your need to take some time out to recuperate before going back on the work scene but in the meantime try and do as much as you can around the house Let her understand you dont expect a free ride and that you want to make a contribution. Cook dinner, run some errands for your mom. Let her know you are willing to work towards a solution.
Recovery is about change. Show by your actions that you are willing to change.
Then, when you finally do go back to work. Let somebody else you trust handle your paycheck. If money is a trigger for you. Have as little contact with it as possible. You can arrange for your trusted friend to handle your finances for you until you feel you are strong enough to handle it yourself.
Get into action.
Join a support group near you. NA is excellent. You will make friends and have people you can talk to when the pressures at home start to get to you.
The word "selfish" is too often misunderstood in recovery circles.
Being selfish does not mean I think only of myself but rather that I put my "recovery" first.Without our recovery we have nothing
In other words "being selfish in my recovery " means I structure my day in such a manner that I will always have time for myself. It does not mean I run off and leave mom alone with the baby.
The longer you remain clean the more you will be able to understand and deal with the pressures of life.
Best of luck to you.
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