roadie58

That's the hitch, I feel like I'm just DOING TIME.. Like there is an inevitable bad end to all of this and I'm just in prison in AA, a holding pattern, that I won't ever graduate to being a real person. Not that I want to drink normally or at all- I just want a life of some sort. A

I guess I'm just impatient with the so-called 'promises' and all that.

It's a combination of the ***-its and the woeisme soundtrack of my life. I'll just have to trudge on and get over it.

Sorry to even bring it all up.

Ava29

Hi roadie! I'm new here..and boy can I relate! My best friend and I go to 12 step meetings together, and it sort of feels like I'm just going through the motions...like true happiness is unattainable for me. Ya know what my sister said to me?? She said perhaps I was Hitler in my former life, and now this is my punishment...lol. Life is so hard, I wish I was like you said--a "real" person, someone that just enjoys stuff like laying on the couch with a loved one eating popcorn and watching a movie.

I've been to rehab so many times, I make Robert Downey Junior look like an amateur! Currently, I'm on a waiting list to go into a half-way house program...ughh! Perhaps I'll have some shocking revelation there...something's gotta give. It's just that I'm so attached to substances that take me out of myself, it feels foreign being straight. I couldn't believe my ears when last week, my best friend said that she hates AA in the AA meeting!! We hang in there though, and it surely is tough "putting the bat down" isn't it? This indeed, is going to be a loooonng process...I wish you the best!

roadie58

Welcome to SR Ava, sorry you've had such a hard time getting to this part in recovery, but thank God you're here now! Your friend opening up in the meeting is what meetings are all about. We have some really loose ones here, so loose that just about any topic will fly, people talk about alcohol, drugs, job woes, sick dogs, whatever.

I'm just at a stage where I'm tired of the same old people and the same stories so it's time to change my meetings up a bit I think. That's why there are like 400 every week in my metro area. I can totally change meetings, still do one a day, and not drive that much farther.

Hang it there. The revelation (the miracle) and the something gotta give (surrender and acceptance) is what we make of it.

And I like the 'put the bat down' my sponsor tells me that all the time...

Michael

roadie58

feeling down again today. Cleaned house for a bit yesterday afternoon, went to horribly boring noon meeting. I definitely need to change meetings. Then didn't sleep well last night and slept through my 7 am Saturday! And the guys usually go out for breakfast after that so my entire day is thrown off. But I can start my day over right now!

We had terribly thunderstorms and hail last night in central Indiana. Most places got marble to golf ball sized hail. Some areas saw BASEBALL sized hail that dented cars and broke out windows. Terrible. Really freaky to watch that stuff come down from the sky. So now everything is damp, damp, damp. I've got to do some more organizing today (it seems that all I do is housework in this huge place).

I've got to have a plan for some social activity tonight. I found myself chatting online or on phone with several others about getting some white and going out. I know this spells trouble for me. And in three weeks I"ll have 6 months again- so I really don't want to blow it this time.

That's all for now, just reporting the truth.

And remember to go to Done-With-It's thread and wish her Happy Birthday- She's got 6 months today- YEAAAHHHHHH

angelgirl

Hey Roadie,,

Doesn't it make you feel GOOD when someone comes to your thread, that is using, or having a really hard time, and needs your ESH?? That's a big part of what it's about too. Look at the words you are able to give, you give some great, great experience!!

You really are doing great, you are just struggling a bit right now, we all do that. But look at how far you have come. A long, long way!! You just keep on going.. So you can't date right now, it's gonna be summer soon, and there is always more to do in the summer, if nothing else, there is more to do around the house, and then before we know it, it will be winter again, and if you don't use, you will hit a year in NO time, and ya know, the dating will come. Right now, you a re doing great, just working on yourself. Keep on doing what youa re doing. You're doing great!!

Prayers to you,,
Love,
Becky

roadie58

Ya caught that, did ya Becky? I felt myself doing the ESH thing, and it was cool that the meeting topic was one that I'd been struggling with that very day. HMMMM, GOD?? do ya think so??

Oh, and before I get caught up taking about ME, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY on one full year- I guess at least you're clear to date, right?

Thanks for the loving encouragement. If you've been reading I seem to go up and down on about a weekly basis. Can't figure the cause. I do hate that time is flying by re the change of the seasons, but guess that if others see improvement, there must be something happening. Just last night I went to bed with the 'what's the use' thoughts again, but then remembered that instead of sitting alone at home feeling sorry for myself, I'd called an AA buddy and ended up at his house with 2 other AA guys smoking cigars until 10 last night. So I was able to find a social outlet if I just tried a little.

But I still wish God would see fit to put me with a girl-type person, I found myself with my housegirl twice last week out in public, once at laundrymat doing the comforters and once picking out replacement lampshades and thought- 'how cool would it be to have someone around all the time to share every little bit of life with?'. I do really have so much to share, but it's not to happen in my time, I guess. I really wouldn't be surprised if I never have anyone. People tell me not to try so hard, so I've really just gone the other extreme and given up. Maybe that's the key- I don't know, I don't know anything anymore....

Anyway, Happy Easter- whatever that may mean to each of you.

roadie58

pissed of at the world on Monday, paid huge tax bill, found that a housekeeper person took three diamond rings from my dresser drawer that were my Grandmother's. Went to two meetings but still mad as hell. Couldn't sleep well, that's why I'm up at 3 and 5 am.

So I drowned my sorrows in pizza and TCBY tonight. Life is sucking right now.

angelgirl

Hey Michael,,

Aww Man, I am so sorry that she stole from you!! Did you talk about these things? Man that is a drag. Did you confront her? You will have to tell us what happens when you confront her. I will pray for you Michael, that is a sad thing, considering I am sure youa re also doing her a favor (you are paying her right?),. But remember, there are those people in this world, and not EVERYONE is that way. Do NOT lose our faith in people, because of what one person did.. I know it sucks, and I know it hurts.. So what are you going to do about it? You aren't going to use over it, right? Can't keep drowning in pizza and ice cream ( well you can, but then you suffer more, and that's not right).. Do the right thing, and confront her.

Do you have a safe? Maybe from now on you will have to lock everything up. Even though she won't be there, just because, things like that are so precious..

Sorry Michael, I am saying a prayer for you..

I am seeing changes in you. I am. Just keep on doing the next right thing..

Hang in there.
Love and prayers..
Becky

roadie58

I can't confront her, it's been months since I looked in that drawer, She was the girl I used with on my birthday. I was trying to get laid, so used with her, gave her work, etc. Guess the only way I can get a woman in my bedroom is to pay her to clean it. LOL

They're gone and it's my stupid fault for trusting another addict. I hope she got what she wanted for them. Probably more dope or paid bills, guess she needed something that badly. I feel sorry for her.

I guess should just chalk it up to more 'wreckage of my past', stupid decisions like putting off my taxes for a couple of years and buying a home in the city with more traffic and noise than I'd like. Some stuff I'm just going to have to live with and try not to be so stupid in the future.

In other news, I had the worst using dream I've ever had last night. Big shiny rocks of coke in a film cannister (my container of choice- kept it nice and crunchy). Remember shaving off great lines from those rocks, licking up dropped crystals from the hardwood floor, some kinky sex stuff- really bothersome dream. So here I am nearly sleepless again and it's a beautiful day.

I'm going to get moving, forget about the rings and dream and start over. It's 9 am and I'm going to have a good day. I don't care what happens!

angelgirl

Yeah!!! That's the attitude!! That's the way to live!! You know how to do this michael. You are living PROOF, that recovery works!! I really believe you use what you learn. What would have happened if you were still using? I think you are great!
Maybe check pawn shops in your area, if you'd like to get the rings back anyway.


I certainly would NOT use her again to clean ANYTHING. I do NOT think these are reasons to steal. If you are quite certain it was her that did steal them.

You just keep hanging in there.. I know you are doing just great.

Prayers to you
Love
Becky

roadie58

it's been months since the stuff was taken, probably gone from any shops by now. I can't stew over it. Bad decision, move on, don't do it again.

I don't even know if they were real diamonds, could have been fakes for all I know. Never had them appraised.

Have to just turn this one over and let it go. Resentments = drinking.

Thanks Becky!

roadie58

Well, it wasn't any paying work, but here's today.

Got up and did a couple of errands. Went to noon meeting, met with sponsor afterwards. Then got mower ready and fixed my pull-behind sprayer so I could cut the lawn and spray dandelions at the same time (saving gas). It was kind of wet from all the rain, but getting thick.

Then I called a buddy of mine in the workshop and we arranged to take a one hour walk on the Monon trail (old railroad turned into metro walking path) We did like 2.5 miles in the time in perfect afternoon weather, some walking in the woods off the trial. He brought me back to house, I did some garage tinkering, fixed dinner, sat down and listened to some music I'd bought early in the day.

Didn't make much money, but had a ton of fun today. No worries. Thanks for the encouragement, I know I'm a basket case, up one day, down in the dumps the next. I think getting back on my 2x Wellbutrin each and every day has helped. I was getting lazy about taking it properly.

Michael

roadie58

The person whom I'd accused of stealing from me (without using names I might add) has confronted me through PM here. I have asked the moderators to remove any posts dealing with this subject, particularly 1012, 1022, 1024 made by me.

I suppose I could have misplaced those rings. But they'd been in that same drawer for years. Maybe I'm going crazy and paranoid. There have been some crazy times in my not-so-distant past and I don't know what was happening or really understand why I was acting the way I was.

The wreckage of my past continues to haunt me. I'm sorry for any hurt feelings.

Michael

roadie58

Lots of people PM me, just because I mention that someone here has PM'd me about a situation doens't mean that you all know who it is, right?

I've tried to use the program to 'let this go' in terms of this incident, my reportage and blame. I am dropping any further discussion of this and any contact with that party.

I'm done.

tyler

Hey Roadie, just wanted to say hey! No real advice or anything, sounds like you got it under control, a good thing! I'm back giving it another shot, maybe this time I'll get it right. Practice makes perfect, right?? Take care bro!

roadie58

good to see you back man.

Done_With_It

roadie58

I LOVE my dragon, reminds me of Jimmy Page!

Thanks DWI.

roadie58

Looks like moderator has removed the posts where I accused someone of stealing from me. I don't care either way. I'm done with that incident in my life and a lot of other bad choices. I just chalk it up to the damage from my past continuing to haunt me. There will probably be more instances like it.

M

Done_With_It

Good for you, Better to move on and not get caught up in all stuff like that. Whatever it was that happened is in the past.