I need to tell someone
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 19
I need to tell someone
Hello guys, I’m new here. I’m new to all recovery options, actually. I’ve been using meth for 12 years now, and I’ve kept this a secret almost the entire time. I’m living a double life and I don’t know how to stop. When I was 19 I first tried smoking meth, and I never looked back. There was one point in my life where I was sober for 2 years, and that’s when I found out I was pregnant. I was 22, and the second I saw that test was positive, I crushed my pipe and flushed all of my drugs down the toilet. I quit cold turkey and didn’t start up again until my son was over a year old. During that time I was in an extremely abusive relationship, my main focus was to keep myself and my son safe. It came to a point where I started using again just to keep myself going and to stay awake to protect my son, and protect myself, and honestly to numb the pain. I was terrified of my sons father. I couldn’t let my family know I was in that situation because I was afraid and ashamed and embarrassed. So I just detached myself from them. I come from a loving and understanding family. My sisters, mom and I are all super close. They would do anything to help me. But I’m always so afraid of letting everyone down. I eventually got out of the abusive relationship, but I never stopped using. I’ve kept this hidden from everyone. All these years. I’ve never gotten into the “tweeker” crowd, I’ve stayed low key, I stay to myself. The only other person on this earth that knows of my addiction is my dealer. Im 32 now, I’m a good mom, but I know I can be a better mom. I have a good job, and I stay functioning because I have no other choice. I can’t fall and let meth take over my life, I can’t, I love my son too much and I could never do that to my family. The thing is, I’m only a functioning addict out the outside. On the inside, I’m miserable. I’m unhappy, I’m depressed, the guilt I feel on a daily basis is killing me. Every time I try to stop, I think I can do it, because I’ve done it before, but I always go back. I know I don’t take care of my life the way I should, I know my son isn’t getting the best version of myself I can be. I know I only give my job, my family, the bare minimum, just to get by, just to keep functioning. Just so no one finds out my secret. I cant let anyone know about my addiction, that is out of the question. I can’t take time off work to go to rehab, I can’t have that on my record. I just got full custody of my son last year and I can’t have anything screw that up. I need help on how to stop on my own, how do you stop when you have no support, no help, because no one knows? I’ve been battling this addiction within myself and by myself for over a decade and I can’t do it anymore. I want to be happy. Sometimes it’s hard to even get out of bed because my depression is so bad. It’s killing me, and I feel so alone. I didn’t know what else to do but look up a thread to tell someone my secret and ask for help in any way I can get it. I need this for my son. If anyone has any advice for me, please I am willing to be open and listen. I am 2 days sober and I don’t want to go back. But deep down I know already I will. Please help me turn these 2 days into 2 months, 2 years, and so on. Thank you so much for giving me a place to finally tell someone.
love and light to you all <3
love and light to you all <3
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I posted in your other thread too but I wanted to welcoem you to this forum as well.
I was an alcoholic but I think the basic premise is the same - focus on today, make the changes you need to make, find support and use it
'
you can do this
D
I was an alcoholic but I think the basic premise is the same - focus on today, make the changes you need to make, find support and use it
'
you can do this
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 546
Hey fightingtobeme.
I posted in your thread in the newcomer's forum, too, so I won't repeat my post here.
The editor in me does want to make one correction to my other posting, though. At one point I refer to crack and your crack dealer, when I meant to say ice and your ice dealer. (I talk in that post about being a perfectionist and hypercritical of myself. It's true. It is only a slight exaggeration to say that I felt myself exposed as a complete fraud (just for a second) when I noticed that error after I hit Send Reply.)
Go easy on yourself jr (and fightingtobeme).
Breathe and repeat.
Take it easy.
P.S. In my week on SR, I've noticed these forums focused on substances other than alcohol don't seem to get nearly as much traffic as the active threads in Newcomers to Recovery.
Makes me wonder a few things:
1. Where, on line, are all the abusers of substances other than ethanol who dream, or at least wonder about, becoming sober? We are not the only ones. Sure, there are IRL resources out there (I only learned what IRL means last week), but there have got to be plenty of folks looking for online assistance, too.
Are they lurking perhaps? Well that's cool, welcome lurkers. But in my week on SR, much to my surprise, I have learned that posting, whether to ask for help (as you have, ftbm), to make an observation, to respond to someone's "easy" question or cri de coeur, to lend support with some version of "attaboy" or "attagirl" or "atta-i-don't-know-your-gender-identification", or to, as Forster said, "Simply connect," ... posting to do any of those things redounds to the benefit of the sender (in this case me, jr67). Whether it helps (or misses the mark for) the respondees is for them to say, and sometimes they do say, yay or nay.
And this comes from someone who never posts on general-circulation social media. I closed my facecrook account years ago, after hearing one too many stories about their intentional deceptive invasions of my (and everyone else's) privacy.
2. Or are there other websites of this caliber that the other-than-ethanol crowd is flocking to?
3. If so, are they helping?
I *have* seen a couple of posts from active non-ethanol abusers in the past week, fightingtobeme, but not many compared with the postings of folks dealing with alcohol. So sure, continue to post here if you wish, and check back for responses or new threads, but the issues underlying substance abuse, and more to the point the pathways out from under its spell, are pretty much the same, so I suggest you make liberal use of the Newcomer forums, too, and poke around other areas of SR, too.
I posted in your thread in the newcomer's forum, too, so I won't repeat my post here.
The editor in me does want to make one correction to my other posting, though. At one point I refer to crack and your crack dealer, when I meant to say ice and your ice dealer. (I talk in that post about being a perfectionist and hypercritical of myself. It's true. It is only a slight exaggeration to say that I felt myself exposed as a complete fraud (just for a second) when I noticed that error after I hit Send Reply.)
Go easy on yourself jr (and fightingtobeme).
Breathe and repeat.
Take it easy.
P.S. In my week on SR, I've noticed these forums focused on substances other than alcohol don't seem to get nearly as much traffic as the active threads in Newcomers to Recovery.
Makes me wonder a few things:
1. Where, on line, are all the abusers of substances other than ethanol who dream, or at least wonder about, becoming sober? We are not the only ones. Sure, there are IRL resources out there (I only learned what IRL means last week), but there have got to be plenty of folks looking for online assistance, too.
Are they lurking perhaps? Well that's cool, welcome lurkers. But in my week on SR, much to my surprise, I have learned that posting, whether to ask for help (as you have, ftbm), to make an observation, to respond to someone's "easy" question or cri de coeur, to lend support with some version of "attaboy" or "attagirl" or "atta-i-don't-know-your-gender-identification", or to, as Forster said, "Simply connect," ... posting to do any of those things redounds to the benefit of the sender (in this case me, jr67). Whether it helps (or misses the mark for) the respondees is for them to say, and sometimes they do say, yay or nay.
And this comes from someone who never posts on general-circulation social media. I closed my facecrook account years ago, after hearing one too many stories about their intentional deceptive invasions of my (and everyone else's) privacy.
2. Or are there other websites of this caliber that the other-than-ethanol crowd is flocking to?
3. If so, are they helping?
I *have* seen a couple of posts from active non-ethanol abusers in the past week, fightingtobeme, but not many compared with the postings of folks dealing with alcohol. So sure, continue to post here if you wish, and check back for responses or new threads, but the issues underlying substance abuse, and more to the point the pathways out from under its spell, are pretty much the same, so I suggest you make liberal use of the Newcomer forums, too, and poke around other areas of SR, too.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by jr67 
Hey fightingtobeme.
I posted in your thread in the newcomer's forum, too, so I won't repeat my post here.
The editor in me does want to make one correction to my other posting, though. At one point I refer to crack and your crack dealer, when I meant to say ice and your ice dealer. (I talk in that post about being a perfectionist and hypercritical of myself. It's true. It is only a slight exaggeration to say that I felt myself exposed as a complete fraud (just for a second) when I noticed that error after I hit Send Reply.)
Go easy on yourself jr (and fightingtobeme).
Breathe and repeat.
Take it easy.
P.S. In my week on SR, I've noticed these forums focused on substances other than alcohol don't seem to get nearly as much traffic as the active threads in Newcomers to Recovery.
Makes me wonder a few things:
1. Where, on line, are all the abusers of substances other than ethanol who dream, or at least wonder about, becoming sober? We are not the only ones. Sure, there are IRL resources out there (I only learned what IRL means last week), but there have got to be plenty of folks looking for online assistance, too.
Are they lurking perhaps? Well that's cool, welcome lurkers. But in my week on SR, much to my surprise, I have learned that posting, whether to ask for help (as you have, ftbm), to make an observation, to respond to someone's "easy" question or cri de coeur, to lend support with some version of "attaboy" or "attagirl" or "atta-i-don't-know-your-gender-identification", or to, as Forster said, "Simply connect," ... posting to do any of those things redounds to the benefit of the sender (in this case me, jr67). Whether it helps (or misses the mark for) the respondees is for them to say, and sometimes they do say, yay or nay.
And this comes from someone who never posts on general-circulation social media. I closed my facecrook account years ago, after hearing one too many stories about their intentional deceptive invasions of my (and everyone else's) privacy.
2. Or are there other websites of this caliber that the other-than-ethanol crowd is flocking to?
3. If so, are they helping?
I *have* seen a couple of posts from active non-ethanol abusers in the past week, fightingtobeme, but not many compared with the postings of folks dealing with alcohol. So sure, continue to post here if you wish, and check back for responses or new threads, but the issues underlying substance abuse, and more to the point the pathways out from under its spell, are pretty much the same, so I suggest you make liberal use of the Newcomer forums, too, and poke around other areas of SR, too.
I posted in your thread in the newcomer's forum, too, so I won't repeat my post here.
The editor in me does want to make one correction to my other posting, though. At one point I refer to crack and your crack dealer, when I meant to say ice and your ice dealer. (I talk in that post about being a perfectionist and hypercritical of myself. It's true. It is only a slight exaggeration to say that I felt myself exposed as a complete fraud (just for a second) when I noticed that error after I hit Send Reply.)
Go easy on yourself jr (and fightingtobeme).
Breathe and repeat.
Take it easy.
P.S. In my week on SR, I've noticed these forums focused on substances other than alcohol don't seem to get nearly as much traffic as the active threads in Newcomers to Recovery.
Makes me wonder a few things:
1. Where, on line, are all the abusers of substances other than ethanol who dream, or at least wonder about, becoming sober? We are not the only ones. Sure, there are IRL resources out there (I only learned what IRL means last week), but there have got to be plenty of folks looking for online assistance, too.
Are they lurking perhaps? Well that's cool, welcome lurkers. But in my week on SR, much to my surprise, I have learned that posting, whether to ask for help (as you have, ftbm), to make an observation, to respond to someone's "easy" question or cri de coeur, to lend support with some version of "attaboy" or "attagirl" or "atta-i-don't-know-your-gender-identification", or to, as Forster said, "Simply connect," ... posting to do any of those things redounds to the benefit of the sender (in this case me, jr67). Whether it helps (or misses the mark for) the respondees is for them to say, and sometimes they do say, yay or nay.
And this comes from someone who never posts on general-circulation social media. I closed my facecrook account years ago, after hearing one too many stories about their intentional deceptive invasions of my (and everyone else's) privacy.
2. Or are there other websites of this caliber that the other-than-ethanol crowd is flocking to?
3. If so, are they helping?
I *have* seen a couple of posts from active non-ethanol abusers in the past week, fightingtobeme, but not many compared with the postings of folks dealing with alcohol. So sure, continue to post here if you wish, and check back for responses or new threads, but the issues underlying substance abuse, and more to the point the pathways out from under its spell, are pretty much the same, so I suggest you make liberal use of the Newcomer forums, too, and poke around other areas of SR, too.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
We have a ignore function here you can use on posters who bother you FTBM
You'll only see their posts if someone else quotes them - and best of all they won't know you have them on ignore.
We certainly don't want to see you leave the site.
D
Ignore bothersome members. If there is someone on the forum that bothers you, select the Ignore option on the drop down menu under their name on the post. You won't see any posts from this member again.
We certainly don't want to see you leave the site.
D
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Good questions jr, but I don't want to derail ftbms thread right now seeing as she's just new here and had a bit of a rough welcome elsewhere.
I can send you my thoughts by PM if you like, or you could post the question again in a new thread somewhere?
D
I can send you my thoughts by PM if you like, or you could post the question again in a new thread somewhere?
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 546
I suggest you reconsider.
If indeed you decide not to post for now, I suggest you continue lurking as you did before, and adapt and apply what you read to your situation as applicable, and continue to reconsider whether to re-join, because an imperfect support system is better than none.
Last ditch effort: You know about the ignore button, right? I don't know exactly how it works, but I'm sure it's explained somewhere on here. Remember, "No consent."
If you leave because you feel you've been bullied, then the members whom you perceive to be bullies will have "won." Except they will not have actually won anything, while you will have lost what is for now your only support line.
As before, I (and the 99%) are rooting for you. I am confident that so's the 1%, for that matter.
Happy Day 4.
If indeed you decide not to post for now, I suggest you continue lurking as you did before, and adapt and apply what you read to your situation as applicable, and continue to reconsider whether to re-join, because an imperfect support system is better than none.
Last ditch effort: You know about the ignore button, right? I don't know exactly how it works, but I'm sure it's explained somewhere on here. Remember, "No consent."
If you leave because you feel you've been bullied, then the members whom you perceive to be bullies will have "won." Except they will not have actually won anything, while you will have lost what is for now your only support line.
As before, I (and the 99%) are rooting for you. I am confident that so's the 1%, for that matter.
Happy Day 4.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 546
So there you see, ftbm, "ignore" can be a click away.
We seem to have cross-posted, Dee. Sure, please send me a PM, and I'll keep in mind the possibility of starting a thread somewhere (your PM may help me figure out where to post such a thread).
No rush. It's lights out for me as soon as I hit send.
We seem to have cross-posted, Dee. Sure, please send me a PM, and I'll keep in mind the possibility of starting a thread somewhere (your PM may help me figure out where to post such a thread).
No rush. It's lights out for me as soon as I hit send.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by Dee74
Good questions jr, but I don't want to derail ftbms thread right now seeing as she's just new here and had a bit of a rough welcome elsewhere.
I can send you my thoughts by PM if you like, or you could post the question again in a new thread somewhere?
D
I can send you my thoughts by PM if you like, or you could post the question again in a new thread somewhere?
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 652
Sorry I missed your post FTBM. I have a similar story. I was addicted to heroin and crack while my son was growing up. I am clean from those substances a long time now. I used in secret and eventually I recovered in secret. It can be done. Better to recover in company though. SR is a great forum so I hope you stick around.
How are you doing?
How are you doing?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by fightingtobeme
Hello guys, I’m new here. I’m new to all recovery options, actually. I’ve been using meth for 12 years now, and I’ve kept this a secret almost the entire time. I’m living a double life and I don’t know how to stop. When I was 19 I first tried smoking meth, and I never looked back. There was one point in my life where I was sober for 2 years, and that’s when I found out I was pregnant. I was 22, and the second I saw that test was positive, I crushed my pipe and flushed all of my drugs down the toilet. I quit cold turkey and didn’t start up again until my son was over a year old. During that time I was in an extremely abusive relationship, my main focus was to keep myself and my son safe. It came to a point where I started using again just to keep myself going and to stay awake to protect my son, and protect myself, and honestly to numb the pain. I was terrified of my sons father. I couldn’t let my family know I was in that situation because I was afraid and ashamed and embarrassed. So I just detached myself from them. I come from a loving and understanding family. My sisters, mom and I are all super close. They would do anything to help me. But I’m always so afraid of letting everyone down. I eventually got out of the abusive relationship, but I never stopped using. I’ve kept this hidden from everyone. All these years. I’ve never gotten into the “tweeker” crowd, I’ve stayed low key, I stay to myself. The only other person on this earth that knows of my addiction is my dealer. Im 32 now, I’m a good mom, but I know I can be a better mom. I have a good job, and I stay functioning because I have no other choice. I can’t fall and let meth take over my life, I can’t, I love my son too much and I could never do that to my family. The thing is, I’m only a functioning addict out the outside. On the inside, I’m miserable. I’m unhappy, I’m depressed, the guilt I feel on a daily basis is killing me. Every time I try to stop, I think I can do it, because I’ve done it before, but I always go back. I know I don’t take care of my life the way I should, I know my son isn’t getting the best version of myself I can be. I know I only give my job, my family, the bare minimum, just to get by, just to keep functioning. Just so no one finds out my secret. I cant let anyone know about my addiction, that is out of the question. I can’t take time off work to go to rehab, I can’t have that on my record. I just got full custody of my son last year and I can’t have anything screw that up. I need help on how to stop on my own, how do you stop when you have no support, no help, because no one knows? I’ve been battling this addiction within myself and by myself for over a decade and I can’t do it anymore. I want to be happy. Sometimes it’s hard to even get out of bed because my depression is so bad. It’s killing me, and I feel so alone. I didn’t know what else to do but look up a thread to tell someone my secret and ask for help in any way I can get it. I need this for my son. If anyone has any advice for me, please I am willing to be open and listen. I am 2 days sober and I don’t want to go back. But deep down I know already I will. Please help me turn these 2 days into 2 months, 2 years, and so on. Thank you so much for giving me a place to finally tell someone.
love and light to you all <3
love and light to you all <3
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by Justinekatie
hey I noticed your post was a little older but I wanted you to know that i am in the same boat but different vice. I dont have much more advice except that you are not alone. I am all alone in my addiction and feel like a garbage person. In my early thirties, great mom but it would be nieve to think I wouldnt be much better sober, good job and work ethic, no one close to me has any idea or suspicion. Very depressed while sober and dont remember how to be happy with out substances it's so hard but I am newly back on track and hope that you are too. I am rooting for you and if you are not than I am still rooting for you. Xoxo
hi, are you still active on this site? I would love to speak with you.i know you replied awhile after my original post, and haven’t been on here since then, so I’m just seeing your reply now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
I had a sponsor who said " Take what you need and leave the rest" My name is Tom welcome. The membership on here comes and goes. I do have to say it usually got big around the beginning of the year. I dont know why its so light now. This place helped me a lot but meetings AA/NA are for me best. If you google AA/NA you will get info on meetings in your area. Good luck and remember nobody gets here by mistake. So if somebody says something you dont like just block them and pray they get the help they need.
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