Just Venting. Another Disappointment.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 78
Just Venting. Another Disappointment.
Our journey started 7 years ago when our middle child AJ started smoking weed. It progressed to him being permanently being kicked out of high school for smoking and selling weed and other drugs. We tried everything we could before this however he refused treatment and other interventions. His drug of choice ended up being whatever he could get his hands on and if he couldn't get drugs he drank.
When he was kicked out of school we told him it was work or school, and no drugs or alcohol in the house, plain and simple. We still had our 12 year old daughter at home and we did not want his behavior influencing or endangering her. He also had two older siblings who are out of the house and doing just fine.
For the next 5 months we walked in egg shells. He found one part time job that lasted 3 weeks before he got fired. He smashed up our car, we found drugs and alcohol stashed all over the house and he was stealing money from us and his sister. Enough was enough and after giving him a final ultimatum he threatened to kill us and burn down our house. We ended up having the Police remove him after his 18th birthday.
Over the past 4 years we helped him get an apartment when he seemed to be getting is act together and found another job. But of course history repeated itself and he got fired again within a month. Since our names were on the lease we were stuck paying the remainder of his rent for 6 months. He then got another job and of course he got fired once again.
We stopped paying his rent after the lease expired but he managed to make ends meet between welfare and "friends" that he allowed to couch surf. After about 2 years he ended up getting evicted and moved in with a friend.
He's had his sober moments or at least whenever he came to visit he was sober because we told him he wouldn't get past the front door of he wasnt. He met a nice girl that actually worked who didn't smoke or drink who seemed to have a positive effect on him. Six months into the relationship they decided to find a place of their own AND he got himself into a job training program where he was paid a weekly salary by the government to take job training and skills upgrading. The program was going to be 6 months long and when he completed it he would be paid a graduating bonus and they would assist him in getting full time employment. During the 6 months his "wage" would be almost triple the amount that he was getting through welfare.
Things seemed to be taking a turn for the better finally! About a month ago he came to us asking to borrow first and last month's rent for their new place. He was sober and presented us with his plan for paying us back.
So we fell for it.
As it turns out he had already QUIT the program (or was kicked out, his girlfriend wasn't too sure what took place), had broken up with his girlfriend and had been on a non stop bender. We had been manipulated once again.
My wife and I are angered and hurt to the core. It's not the money, it's the lies, deceit and manipulation that has left us just as numb today as it did years ago.
So now he has burned yet another bridge and that is us putting trust into anything that he says or does. It's at the point where we do not even want to see him as we've had enough of the 7 year roller coaster with him.
We both agree that it's just a matter of time before he gets himself into a big jackpot with getting arrested or suffering a fatal overdose.
So we have finally decided to start enjoying our retirement and our other children since he has literally sucked the life out of us for the past few years. He is going on 22 and there is nothing more we can do for him, we are through. Only he can change and there is no evidence of that. He obviously isn't worried and we are going to do our best to do the same thing and pray that something changes with him before it's too late.
When he was kicked out of school we told him it was work or school, and no drugs or alcohol in the house, plain and simple. We still had our 12 year old daughter at home and we did not want his behavior influencing or endangering her. He also had two older siblings who are out of the house and doing just fine.
For the next 5 months we walked in egg shells. He found one part time job that lasted 3 weeks before he got fired. He smashed up our car, we found drugs and alcohol stashed all over the house and he was stealing money from us and his sister. Enough was enough and after giving him a final ultimatum he threatened to kill us and burn down our house. We ended up having the Police remove him after his 18th birthday.
Over the past 4 years we helped him get an apartment when he seemed to be getting is act together and found another job. But of course history repeated itself and he got fired again within a month. Since our names were on the lease we were stuck paying the remainder of his rent for 6 months. He then got another job and of course he got fired once again.
We stopped paying his rent after the lease expired but he managed to make ends meet between welfare and "friends" that he allowed to couch surf. After about 2 years he ended up getting evicted and moved in with a friend.
He's had his sober moments or at least whenever he came to visit he was sober because we told him he wouldn't get past the front door of he wasnt. He met a nice girl that actually worked who didn't smoke or drink who seemed to have a positive effect on him. Six months into the relationship they decided to find a place of their own AND he got himself into a job training program where he was paid a weekly salary by the government to take job training and skills upgrading. The program was going to be 6 months long and when he completed it he would be paid a graduating bonus and they would assist him in getting full time employment. During the 6 months his "wage" would be almost triple the amount that he was getting through welfare.
Things seemed to be taking a turn for the better finally! About a month ago he came to us asking to borrow first and last month's rent for their new place. He was sober and presented us with his plan for paying us back.
So we fell for it.
As it turns out he had already QUIT the program (or was kicked out, his girlfriend wasn't too sure what took place), had broken up with his girlfriend and had been on a non stop bender. We had been manipulated once again.
My wife and I are angered and hurt to the core. It's not the money, it's the lies, deceit and manipulation that has left us just as numb today as it did years ago.
So now he has burned yet another bridge and that is us putting trust into anything that he says or does. It's at the point where we do not even want to see him as we've had enough of the 7 year roller coaster with him.
We both agree that it's just a matter of time before he gets himself into a big jackpot with getting arrested or suffering a fatal overdose.
So we have finally decided to start enjoying our retirement and our other children since he has literally sucked the life out of us for the past few years. He is going on 22 and there is nothing more we can do for him, we are through. Only he can change and there is no evidence of that. He obviously isn't worried and we are going to do our best to do the same thing and pray that something changes with him before it's too late.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm really sorry for what brings you here but I'm glad you found us Jiggs.
I think you've done the right thing for your son and for your yourself and your husband.,
I hope you son realises like I did that you only get one life, and I hope he realises it sooner than I did. We also have a family and friend forum section here you may also be interested in visiting
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
D
I think you've done the right thing for your son and for your yourself and your husband.,
I hope you son realises like I did that you only get one life, and I hope he realises it sooner than I did. We also have a family and friend forum section here you may also be interested in visiting
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 310
Hi Jiggs
Wow, you have been on quite a journey with this. As Dee says, I'm glad you are here.
I'm not much older than your son and though I wasn't as deep into addiction as it seems like he is, I know how devastated my parents would be if I had spiralled further out of control.
It sounds like it is a big deal for you to draw a line and stop pouring energy into trying to fix it. I do think this is the right decision; your actions so far have not changed his behaviour. I hope he finds a way to make a change soon so he can live the rest of his life happy and sober. Your love and support will have raised his lowest point.
Love to you x
Wow, you have been on quite a journey with this. As Dee says, I'm glad you are here.
I'm not much older than your son and though I wasn't as deep into addiction as it seems like he is, I know how devastated my parents would be if I had spiralled further out of control.
It sounds like it is a big deal for you to draw a line and stop pouring energy into trying to fix it. I do think this is the right decision; your actions so far have not changed his behaviour. I hope he finds a way to make a change soon so he can live the rest of his life happy and sober. Your love and support will have raised his lowest point.
Love to you x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 79
Jiggs, your story is a heart-breaker, for sure. As a grateful recovering addict with two teenage children it really scares the hell out of me. I can't imagine how difficult this must all be for you, but I do think you and your husband made the right decision.
Thoughts and prayers to you and your family - hopefully your son can see the light at the end of the tunnel before it's too late.
Thoughts and prayers to you and your family - hopefully your son can see the light at the end of the tunnel before it's too late.
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