GreenSwimmer

I hate admitting this, but if it's abusable I'll abuse it.

I've done the getting sober thing many times now. I feel like an idiot for doing this to myself over and over.

It's been 18 days since I last used opiates. Since then I've been drinking pretty heavily to "ease" withdrawal, which as I'm typing this out I'm realizing more and more how stupid I sound. I just want to sleep, so I'll drink enough to pass out or at least get sleepy. Ran out of alcohol though and I'm rather desperate to not get more in the morning.

I never used to be like this, which is I think why I'm having such a hard time admitting that addiction has me in its grip. My life has been very chaotic over the last several years, and I'm only 32. I know if I stop this now I can have a great life. I just don't really know where to turn. I feel like I've lost control of everything therefore using and abusing just about everything gives me a sense of control... if that makes any sense at all. Even re-reading what I've written makes me cringe.

I've tried several meetings before, but none have really stuck. I know I should keep trying different ones and not give up, but it sounds so exhausting. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I wish something would click in my brain instantly and I could just be re-wired back to my old self.

Sorry for the negativity. I do have a lot to live for and I am actually rather hopeful. It's just the middle of the night and I'm so restless (physically and mentally), so I'm just feeling rather blah.

Thanks for any and all support and/or advice. It's very much appreciated in this dark hour.