SincerelySelf

So for a little context, my DOC for a very long time was H. I had a couple stints of sobriety 1-2 years couple times. Three years ago i got off the dope again, because of how bad my Benzo withdrawals were i ended up going on sub program because I had been 3-4 days without being able to eat or drink anything which is dangerous territory. Anyways 7 months ago i got the news my girlfriend was pregnant and i was to be a dad, Great news! I ended up having insurance issues and had to leave the program but had a friend in same program sell me some of his and it was costing me like 200$ a month, obviously not sustainable especially with a kid on the way and the risk of getting in trouble for buying them without script. So i quit. I didn't taper, i was already down to 1/4th a strip a day 1mg morn/1mg night so the drop off wasn't too high. Now i am 7-8 days into W/D's and after 4-5 days all the worst physical symptoms went away, just some bowel stuff and little bit of general soreness. Now the mental part is really getting to me, I'm very lethargic and lazy, complete lack of motivation to do anything every day. And the cravings are getting worse and worse, telling myself that i could go take a roxy or oxy and that just once would be all.. Which by this point i know is just me trying to rationalize but im f**king scared that i will give into this demon. I keep trying to think of my boy whose going to be in the world in just X weeks from now, and i know if i used i wouldn't even be able to face him or my girlfriend. I couldn't even lie about it because of my own personal family issues with addiction as a kid, and i know she would rightly tell me to screw off. Idk guys i just need some support, maybe some advice. I would appreciate anything.

finaltime

welcome. can you get to a meeting/ we know how this works. you are now off the maintenance meds and the disease is wide awake. I think it might be time to get into a program and try to work the steps etc?

just some thoughts. I know I can't stay sober alone. I do online meetings at 5:30 in the morning. That way I am not going out at night taking my daughter etc.

It works for today. keep posting

teatreeoil007

Welcome, friend. We are all friends here and we truly understand the struggles. So don't feel ashamed about any of this because shame can hinder you from getting getting the help you need and getting to the bottom of the issues. I really needed to LET GO of some things.......shame and guilt were two of the things I needed to let go of.

I can liken it to this:

Say, if a person is over weight and out of shape and needs to start working out and getting out there and be more active. One problem they face is they feel ashamed of their bodies and they just want to hide away and not be seen and "cover up". When/if they go to a gym, they might feel very self conscious because of the kind of shape their body is in. But IF they let that hinder them, they're less likely to stick with an exercise program....they may look at others in the gym and compare their self to that person who is slender and looks good in skimpy work out gear. So, they have to reach a point where they just really FOCUS on their own body and zero in on their SELF and the MOVEMENT. Tune things out that might distract or deter .....

You can do this!!

SincerelySelf

Thank you for the replies, I just finished looking at some local meetings where i live. There are some, not as much as my old residence though. Do you have any suggestions for online meetings? I haven't heard of that at all, Seems like it would honestly be more my thing. Part of what makes real meetings very hard for me is my very anti-social personality but online its a lot easier to get my thoughts out without fear of judgement or embarrasment ( Aka teatreeoil you are 100% right ). I know i need to stop making myself feel bad for having the craving's.. It is a disease after all, I just thought with a baby on the way it would be easier and because its not and I'm still thinking about it so often i start feeling guilty.. I am working on it but yeah definitely need to find some meetings and a sponser, i lost contact with my old sponsor about 2 years ago =/

teatreeoil007

SS: I like your nickname, BTW. Oh my, I just remembered in your OP that you and your girlfriend are expecting. Is this your first child, then?

That right there could be good motivation for you to get clean and stay clean.

Remember: You can do this. You really can!! Tell yourself you will feel so much better when you are off the merry go round. As that is what addiction is: endless cycles of up and down.

Do it for yourself first of course. Do it for your physical and mental health. But do it for your child. And, when the kid is born, you might find your own self going through a metamorphosis and becoming a dad is an amazing experience.

I think they have on line meetings here, in fact. Check it out.

Dee74

Hi

You'll find a lot of support and good advice here.
The early days suck but they get better and seems like you already know that - stay strong for yourself and for your family to be.

Welcome aboard Sincerelyself

D

SteveAlex

Check out intherooms.com. Just remember they are not to replace face to face meetings but are better than no meetings

SincerelySelf

Damn tea, thank you for the words of reassurance i can't even tell you at this very moment coming back here hoping someone responded what that did for me, brought me to tears. I am day 8 now, no subs. I have flirted with the idea of oxy's several times and got so close to getting one, first time while thinking about it i got a knock at the door and i opened it.. No one there? Ahhhh it was a package, a stroller sent from family back home for online baby shower. I cried for a long time after that, went through a few stages of guilt and shame until i had come back here and reread Tea's well put analogy and was able to stable myself, i went on the rest of the day on the Pink Cloud us recurring relapsers know so well and then today its like my brain hit reset and man oh man this has been my hardest day yet... I luckily have found read other peoples posts about what i keep trying to convince myself to do( use with the presumption that because its a different type of opiate than bup that it won't reset my withdrawals only prolong them) Which in every one i have read and from own previous experiences i know to be a lie and a cleverly constructed excuse for my brain to give into cravings. Tonight honestly i don't even want to use, im just ******* depressed. I can tell this is effecting my girlfriend now because she also seems depressed( this is obviously a lot for a pregnant woman of 35 weeks to deal with ) I quit smoking ciggerates 7 months ago and just picked them back up because i honestly felt like i needed them really bad for this extreme anxiety i was getting. To say the least it didn't help my depression but it helped my anxiety... I will be going to my first meeting tomorrow in person and will be going to that website shared to try online ones aswell.

I really can't thank you all enough for all responses small and big, they all help and just wanted to say i really appreciate it.

teatreeoil007

Awww. A stroller!! My gosh that is so exciting. I remember when I was prego with my first and we went out and bought a stroller. Boy that stroller got a lot of use. Well, the fact is that kids change you, they really do. You'll see. When "it" (do you now the sex) is born you're not going to believe what a transformation it does to ya. Just wait. That kid is going to take over your heart and soul................and you will LOVE him/her like you never thought you could love another person..............it just: sort of happens.

So, just meditate about the kind of dad you want to be for that baby..........

But, DO do this for yourself. Treat yourself good.....that means don't put junk in your body. Put good things in it instead. Eat well. Drink lots of healthy fluids. Exercise. Get enough rest. All the things grandma taught us to do.

SincerelySelf

Yes, very exciting indeed The baby is a boy btw! Thank you for the advice I think over the next couple of days I shall dedicate some time to thinking about the type of father I want to be.( Not that I haven't already but real meditation is something I haven't done in a long time ). The junk i am working on, I cut soda's out of my diet, next will be the fried nastiness and fast food. Again thank you Tea i appreciate these messages.

teatreeoil007

Well, I'm not suggesting you do anything drastic with your diet....you gotta relax some and enjoy life and part of that is satisfying the pallette, eh? Indian fry bread? That's one of my weakness. Beneights? Don't know if I spelled that right, but I first tried them at Cafe Du Monde in New Orleans. Mmmmm. Hot fresh, like home made doughnuts, which are SO much better than store bought. So, then we had to try it at home and make our own beneighs. Oh man they were good. But, they are deep fried. Last night I had some huckleberry cobbler with vanilla ice cream and whipped cream....Mmmmmm. Hot and fresh out the oven. Oh My Gosh. Okay......I don't want to tempt you. But there really is nothing like fresh wholesome home made desserts, is there? Apple crisp. Rubbarb pie. My mom is such a good cook....I like to go home just so I can eat her food........

Now, when that baby is born......savor the moment. I know you will.....you won't believe what it does to you..........well, you'll see.......

In the meantime, you have our support, always....someone is always here, friend.

Remember: You can do this!!

theVman31

Hi.
You can do it. Believe in yourself.
Dig in deep and you'll find a power you never knew existed.
Its a great feeling being able to trust yourself again, its dignity.
Keep posting .
Vinny

finaltime

Hey how is it going? I love that you got a stroller. Check in with us when you can.