onetomany

Okay to give a little bit of background on my drug addiction. I have been taking 10/325 hydrcodone. I take anywhere between 6 and 10 a day. I know that's bad but not as bad as some on here. The Tylenol in them can't be good for the liver but first I'm trying to kick the habit cold turkey. I'm so tired of feeling helpless and never have any money and having to plan everything around this stupid addiction It's not fun or fair to do that. I have been taking them for about 3 year on and off. Then it went from that until I needed them everyday to even function. I would quit and then start back. My mind would convince me that just one wouldn't hurt. I know now my mind has been deceiving me because here I am. I just want to kick this for good. I know it will be a lifelong battle but I'm ready for it. I'm thinking about joining some meetings when I feel up to it but right now I feel like crap. I'm 17 hours and 15 minutes in right now. My nose is running, I have no energy, and I'm yawning a lot. I'm also having a lot of pain in my right leg and the only thing that seems to help is when I shake it but it does that well on its own without my help. The racing thoughts is horrible to. The anxiety I feel is horrible. I want to rest but my brain won't let me. I just can't wait to see the light at the end of the tunnel that I hear so many of you talk about. I want to write on here that way when I get that addict voice in my head trying to convince me to get some and take just one I can remind my self of the hell these things put me through. Sorry about the long post. It just feels good to get it off my chest and writing helps take my mind off the misery I'm feeling. I'm taking a minute at a time. Setting goals. Saying make it 15 more minutes then when I reach that I set it for 15 more that's really helping. Sorry about the rambling it just seems to be helping.

cleaninLI

Onetomany,
Welcome to the forum! The hydro you mention was one that I would take too. I was up to about the same dose as you also. It was that or Percs the same mg....or oxy. But yes, the Tylenol can't be good! It's great that you are off them and your liver can repair itself!

Hang in there! You are doing great! At about 20 hours in...correct? Yep! You can and will do this! As long as you don't let your AV fool you into thinking you can take a few. If you stay quit you never ever have to go thru this or feel this crap again! This can be your last time!

I think documenting your withdrawal is a good thing to do. Whenever, the bright (not) idea to use comes in you can come here and read how miserable it was!

Just drink lots of water or sorts drinks, eat bananas and yogurt or whatever you could keep down. I found hot...warm baths with Epsom salts to be soothing. Get thru the worst of it...about 72 hours and you will be on the other side of this. It's awful, it's uncomfortable....but when it's over...it's over and you never have to go back!

Glad you are here with us. Hopefully others will chime in to welcome you. Lots of opiate addicts on this site! So you are most definitely not alone!

Latte

Welcome! I am so glad you are here. I can't post much, but I want to tell you how much you have helped me today.

Keep coming back, you are not alone.

TiredEnough

I was in your shoes exactly for about 5 years (12 a day, tylenol limit stopped me at that). I would take anything but hydro was my constant and favorite. It nearly destroyed my life. You can do this, I promise you.

I would say its not always a life long battle. I am 20 months clean and couldn't care less if I ever see another. You might feel the same.

Justincredible

I can relate to what you are experiencing. I am 3+ months off methadone and morphine. It was definitely no picnic but SR helped me through the worst of it! Just keep doing what your doing and keep reading and posting here, before you know it the light at the end of the tunnel will begin to brighten.

Welcome to SR.

TiredEnough

You have mentioned some symptoms we all had. Restless leg was the worst for me trying to sleep. Grrrr, I hated that. Anyway, one thing that helped was to think of how I felt like death and everything this bleeping stuff had put me through and I got pissed. I mean, good and bleeping pissed. When it starts trying to mess with you, anger can be a powerful tool to help you tell it to bleep off.

onetomany

Thanks cleanin, tiredenough, justincredible, and Latte your replies are very helpful. Yes I am now 22hours in. I'm eastern standard time and I took my last dose last night at 6:00 p.m. I have no appetite at all. The restless legs is so painful and annoying. I feel out of it. It's hard to explain. I don't feel "normal". Is it normal to be holding, say a cup, and think you have a hold of it and then drop and bust it? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't believe that these horrible pills can do this to you. They are demons ready to control your life and unfortunately they have mine. I hate feeling like I have no control over my mind and body. These pills have controlled me for so long. I'm just so ready to get this all behind me they will never be another 22 hours ever again. I have 2 small boys at home. I feel like a horrible mother. All this guilt I'm feeling it's horrible. It's horrible all the pain I have caused my family due to this addiction. My emotions are so crazy. One minute I'm fine and then the next minute I'm crying, feeling depressed, ashamed, disappointed in myself. How could I let this demon get it hooks in me so bad. Oh goodness I could go on and on. Thanks to everyone of you for replying to me. It means more than you could ever know.

cleaninLI

(((Onetomany))) big hugs to you honey! You are not a horrible mommy! You are getting better now. You stopped taking those awful pills and are unfortunately going thru the withdrawals. I know exactly how you feel. We have to go thru all this discomfort before we can get better. A lot of your anxiety/depression is remorse, but some is a symptom of the withdrawal. I guarantee these feelings will be much better after 5 to 7 days. Just go easy on yourself right now. Whatever you've done in the past is the past! You are a brand new person now....getting clean and changing the direction of your path! These are GOOD things and you should be CONGRATULATED for doing them! YAY!!!!

You are a AWESOME!!!!!

Keep posting!

Marcus

Trust me you are NOT the first and you will NOT be the last to get sucked into opiate addiction. Getting down on yourself doesn't help, but if you do start thinking about another pill think about your boys and how great a sober future with them will be versus returning to the same old same old. I have kids myself and it is hard not to regret the past, but all you can do now is change your future by changing today. You made a decision to make that change and have put it into action so should be proud of that.

Like Tired Enough said getting a little pissed doesn't hurt. Tell the voice you have had enough and are done being a dam SLAVE to those pills because that is what we become. Depression is perfectly normal and it comes in waves. Emotions going all over the place. Trying to stay in the moment and remind yourself you are safe right here in this moment. Like you said breaking the day down into smaller chunks - an hour - 15 minutes - 1 minute if you have to. Obsessing over the past or worrying about the future would always make my anxiety even worse.

onetomany

Thank you Marcus! I deserve better then this and so does my precious kids. I am now officially 24 hours and 31 minutes in. Oh this is hell but this will be the last time I will ever have to put myself through this. My kids deserve a mommy that will sit down and play with them. Take them to the park. Go out and do stuff with them. I will not cave in. I will not feed this horrible addiction any longer. I will not let this addiction win. I want to see my kids grow up and live fulfilling lives. I don't want them to have to bury me one day. The thought of that has me in tears. I will live in the moment and take it minute by minute. I'm not going to set and self loath any longer. After all, I did do this to myself.

Dee74

Welcome to SR onetoomany

D

onetomany

Thanks Dee. I'm now officially 41 hours and 26 minutes in. I didn't sleep but maybe an hour last night. Oh well it's just part of it I suppose. I will get through this and stay clean. I have no choice. I want my self control back and to be the mother I know that I can be. This addiction can not and will not win. I won't allow it to any longer.

TiredEnough

Keep doing what you are doing and you are going to make it.

There is going to be a time down the road where you just can't believe these things were so important. You can look back and laugh a little.

cleaninLI

Onetomany listen to TE! He knows!

Congrats on your 42 hours! You are doing great! I know it's tough and you feel miserable, but a few more hours and you will be over the worst of this!

I love your attitude! You are so right! You can and will be anything and everything you want to be!

We all have choices and you are making the best choice right now to kick those hydros out of your life!

Yay Onetomany!

finaltime

You are making the right choice. You are coming on here, asking for help and pushing through. So many of us have been RIGHT where you are. I know right now time has stopped, you feel like death, but one thing you can keep thinking is if you DO NOT PICK UP FOR TODAY IT WILL GET BETTER> Your body is working hard right now getting rid of the toxins. Think about it as a major flush and after this you are going to have a new life. A life you never imagined if you don't pick up just today. Take a hot bath, when I detox I live in the bath. I walk, I stretch, I cry, I journal, I watch something funny over and over. I force myself to eat bananas and drink loads of warm water. The faster you can get out the toxins the better.

I am also a mom. My daughter is 4 and has had to deal with her mom being an opiate addict since she was conceived. But today she doesn't have to deal with that. I can't promise tomorrow, only today. Hold your kids right now. Do things to pass the time. Instead of beating yourself up grab some paper and write down the thoughts that you are doing this to start a new life free from addiction.

April 5th I joined AA and went huge in it. Sponsor, 90 meetings in 90 days, it was huge. It helped me get my feet back on the ground. I learned the ropes of what life was like sober. I went back out with pills since then, but with each relapse I am gaining strength. Of course I wish I could say I will never pick up another GD pill again as I hate them. There is not one positive about them..but I am and addict. That is what I do. So today I have to work on a daily reprieve on how I won't pick up today.

You are on the right track. Let yourself cry. Feel. Also don't do this alone. You don't have too. If you don't want to open up to your family yet find a hotline and call once the kids are in bed. You will be amazed at how speaking to someone else will help you heal. I live overseas so the AA and NA here have phone numbers on their website. I called one. best thing I could've ever done, that day an american lady came over and sat with me for hours. Went with me to my first meeting. They were calling during the day, literally because we are addicts doesn't make us bad people. We have a disease. We don't have to fight this alone.

I am so proud of you. Feel free to message me if you want. This is so big that you are doing this for you and your family.

onetomany

Thank you finaltime. I'm approaching the 48 hour mark and that's giving me a little bit of excitement. The stomach problems suck big Time though lol. I have been trying to exercise a little and it does help some. It makes me feel a little better after I'm done walking or just picking up the house a little. I have made the bath my home lol it seems like I stay in there because it does help my legs some. I just hope I can at least get a little bit of sleep tonight. I would be happy with two hours of sleep. I hope the whole sleep thing straightens out soon. I opened up to my mom and sister but I haven't my husband. He has no idea what's going on and I kinda want to keep it that way. It sounds weird but when he is home I feel like I can't be sick or allow myself to show any weakness. Although I know he knows something is going on he just don't know exactly what it is. He thinks I just have a horrible cold. I'm just so tired of the run. Always trying to get some more. The phone calls I would make. Dang I was pretty stupid some of the things I have done just to get more pills. I can't believe I was ever that crazy. I never thought I would ever stoop that low. Oh well, it will be a thing of the past soon and I'm so excited to see what this new future holds. Them little demons took me for the ride of my life and no it wasn't a good ride. Kinda pops the song in my head "highway to hell" for some reason ha.

finaltime

tell him. get to a meeting when you can. You are doing so good. Don't keep this from him, he will be relieved to know and you will feel 100% better. Trust me. Trust me. I unfortunately lost my relationship due to pills, now I am a single mom. You don't want to do what I did....... Do you have melatonin and sleepy time tea? both necessary and keep thinking when you are awake at night that sleep deprivation won't kill you. I hate it as well, my last detox I didn't sleep through the night for 13 nights. I know it was 13 because on the my 13th night I was sitting in a meeting glowing because I had a full nights sleep. People in the meetings were telling me how nice it was i was smiling again.

Talk with your husband. Trust me on this. Tell him you need the support. I know you are shocked about the stuff you have done, this is what the NA support will come in, you will write down the stuff you did, and then later on make amends. I am not there but look forward to that someday. better then keeping it inside me. I did risky stuff too, gross things that now make me sick> Just thinking of sitting in the doctors office all the time asking for more pills...so pathetic. the money I spent, I lost my house, spent my 38k retirement, moved countries twice to sober up, was caught stealing pills on new years day from my sister n laws father????? OMG. how embarrassing. I stole from everyone and anyone. I made friends with an 80 year old lady and pretended to be her care taker just for her pills.

I was not raised this way. I am a good woman. I am educated with multiple degrees, hold a very good job, and overall don't look like someone that would do this. Our addiction makes us lie, cheat and steel. It is baffling and cunning. Get online and do some reading, that also helps me. Pray. even if you don't have a higher power find one. Get on your knees and beg. Masterbate. This also helps. Drink more water to help flush.

One thing that also helps me is to keep repeating to myself once these drugs are out I don't have to do this again. I hate the yellow runs that come out, I hate the smell, but god damn I know that the drugs are coming out.

Yes its sad and brutal we do this to ourselves. I am and addict in ever facet of my life though. I can't order a small or even medium coffee. I always have to buy more then what I need and never think I have enough. I worry about money the day I get paid. I fear things. I live my life in a lot of fear but with a program of some sort this starts to ease. Things start to get better.

Hang in there girl you are doing amazing.

onetomany

Finaltime I took your advice and I told him. He didn't say anything at first then he came back in the room sat down beside me and asked me what I needed to make me feel better. I told him immodium would be great. He left and came back with some immodium, a multivitamin, and some bottle waters. He hasn't left my side now. He did tell me though that he wasn't going to let me lay around and be sick that I need to get active. I guess he done a little research on this himself. Oh and he got me some NyQuil cold and flu to help me sleep. I about to scared to take that. Oh the irony in that huh? Lol I wouldn't care taking a lot of hydrcodone but I won't take NyQuil? Ha oh goodness this sleep deprivation is almost making me delirious. When I told him I was so scared but now I'm so glad I did. It almost feels like a burden has lifted off my shoulders and I got a little piece of my soul back. I have been praying and praying to God and it seems it brings me some peace. Using is not a option! Whoohoo I'm 64 hours and 45 minutes in.

kzaug2014

Hi Onetomany!
Congrats on 64hrs clean ( before you know it, I will be saying congrats on a 7 days, then 2 wks & so on & so forth! )

I am 7mos clean from opiates ( methadone & norcos, then heroine! )
And I'm 23 days clean from suboxine!

I know all too much about what you're going through! And you have the attitude it takes to get clean. I know you can do it!!!

And, not only do you have the attitude, you also took 2 extremely important steps toward sobriety!

You came here for support! And, you told your hubby, mother & sister ( we're never really serious about getting clean until we tell those we love...just in case! )

Keep on doing what you're doing! You have friends here!

TiredEnough

Kz, you are right. Making it through has a ton to do with your attitude. When you decide enough is enough and come what may, you are half way home

Dope may have the upper hand early on but it loses its grip the more clean time you acquire. My breakthrough was at 11 days. I knew I would never go back at that point.

Onetomany, excellent work on 60+ hours. Just a little farther and it's going to get much easier. I believe you are going to make it. Like we say around here, keep stacking dem days