I cant get it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
I cant get it
Feeling alone and pointless to live. I don't see a way out. My time not using is spent aimlessly waiting for when I can use again. I wish someone could wave a magic wan and fix me.
Yesterday my wife posed a question and asked....if you had a magic wand what would you change? Would I change being sexually abused? Would I change my failings? Would I wish away ever smoking crack?
I have to find a place in my dead heart that wants to live. Not just exist but live
Yesterday my wife posed a question and asked....if you had a magic wand what would you change? Would I change being sexually abused? Would I change my failings? Would I wish away ever smoking crack?
I have to find a place in my dead heart that wants to live. Not just exist but live
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 189
I am sorry you are feeling so low. .. I am struggling with that dragging through existence lacking that "normal" feeling. .. although it's not really normal its a drug induced high. I'm hoping with time my brain fixes itself... there is so much chemistry to addiction and it takes time. .i also started an antidepressant a few weeks ago so I'm hoping that helps. Just keep moving forward...
If you had your wand what exactly does "fixed" mean? Where do you want to be or what do you want to feel?
If you had your wand what exactly does "fixed" mean? Where do you want to be or what do you want to feel?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 598
Aw, my friend four, I'm sorry you are still having the same struggles. I get it though. Even though I am still clean of opiates since July - I think about them every day. I think about the need for "something" every day. Looking around for a replacement high, actually being annoyed at myself because I don't like alcohol. Can you imagine???
So I drag on, because I believe everyone that says it will get better. But if this is as good as it gets, well I'm in trouble. So what is the point. At least I was slightly happy when using, artificial as it may be. At least life was "bearable". Now it's not. My AV jumps in and loudly reminds me that I wasn't hurting anyone but myself, and it was really just money I was wasting, it wasn't that big of a deal....so why not go back? And you are hurting, you have true chronic pain - no doctor or person will deny that. You need it....go back on. You can learn how to moderate it (yeah right). You need additional surgeries where it's pretty much guaranteed you will need it anyway....so just go back. You can deal with this "later".
So then I must analyze why I chose to stop. What is my motivation? Well, the real answer is I knew what I was doing was wrong. But there were three major tangible reasons: 1. I was wasting all my money 2. I was afraid of getting caught buying them 3. I was tired of running out and being in a constant state of withdraw, pick up, use, withdraw.
Sadly, none of those reasons for me where about having a better life per say. So then I had to look at why I have this addiction in the first place. For years while I was using and even now - I identify my addiction and have guilt about it. I didn't have the horrible childhood that you and many other had. In the beginning I just liked it. That's why I got high. And sure, there were things about myself I did not like. And that just seemed like such bs reasons compared to what others have gone through. As I said I felt guilty about that - like I didn't have a legit reason to be an addict. Truly, that's how I felt. It led me to just continue to use.
In my soberness, I have realized that there certainly have been events in my life that changed my use from casual to addicted use. An abusive relationship and plethora of illnesses that I went through the past five years. And because I was already using I just upped my usage when these events occurred and did not deal with them. And I have recognized I personally need some counseling to help with these things, I just need to go. And I'm having a hard time making that commitment, but I know I need to.
At the end of the day my biggest problem, and perhaps yours, is I don't like my life and I don't see it getting better. For me, I am alone. I do not have a spouse or children. I do have a lot of medical issues and physically have a lot of limitations. I don't have a lot of options on ways to change my life - it kind of is what it is at the moment. Yeah, I have a heck of a lot more money than I did, but oddly I have not bought anything nor do I have the desire to do so.
But I truly believe the words of others here that it will get better. I don't know what tomorrow brings - and it could be wonderful. I need to give myself the opportunity to find that out and so do you. I know I have spent years destroying my brain and that it still needs time to heal. I'm believing that these cravings will begin to go away - but I know I need to work on myself more before they will. I guess I'm not in a place to give advice, as I feel I am the drug equivalent to "dry drunk"....but I'm not using and that's the key to life changing - and I do believe it will get better.
All I can suggest to you is TiredEnough's advice to me....give being sober 30 days, then reassess. I then gave it another 30 days. I'm on my third round of that now. I believe it will get better, I just need to give it more time. I understand it's not immediate. I have a lot to rebuild. So do you. But you have to give yourself some time clean to do that. I've spent many a night wondering what the point of living is, believe me. But there is something that keeps bringing you back here - some reason you want to stop. What is that reason? Whatever it is that is the thing you need to focus on...
Sending you hugs my friend, you are not alone....
So I drag on, because I believe everyone that says it will get better. But if this is as good as it gets, well I'm in trouble. So what is the point. At least I was slightly happy when using, artificial as it may be. At least life was "bearable". Now it's not. My AV jumps in and loudly reminds me that I wasn't hurting anyone but myself, and it was really just money I was wasting, it wasn't that big of a deal....so why not go back? And you are hurting, you have true chronic pain - no doctor or person will deny that. You need it....go back on. You can learn how to moderate it (yeah right). You need additional surgeries where it's pretty much guaranteed you will need it anyway....so just go back. You can deal with this "later".
So then I must analyze why I chose to stop. What is my motivation? Well, the real answer is I knew what I was doing was wrong. But there were three major tangible reasons: 1. I was wasting all my money 2. I was afraid of getting caught buying them 3. I was tired of running out and being in a constant state of withdraw, pick up, use, withdraw.
Sadly, none of those reasons for me where about having a better life per say. So then I had to look at why I have this addiction in the first place. For years while I was using and even now - I identify my addiction and have guilt about it. I didn't have the horrible childhood that you and many other had. In the beginning I just liked it. That's why I got high. And sure, there were things about myself I did not like. And that just seemed like such bs reasons compared to what others have gone through. As I said I felt guilty about that - like I didn't have a legit reason to be an addict. Truly, that's how I felt. It led me to just continue to use.
In my soberness, I have realized that there certainly have been events in my life that changed my use from casual to addicted use. An abusive relationship and plethora of illnesses that I went through the past five years. And because I was already using I just upped my usage when these events occurred and did not deal with them. And I have recognized I personally need some counseling to help with these things, I just need to go. And I'm having a hard time making that commitment, but I know I need to.
At the end of the day my biggest problem, and perhaps yours, is I don't like my life and I don't see it getting better. For me, I am alone. I do not have a spouse or children. I do have a lot of medical issues and physically have a lot of limitations. I don't have a lot of options on ways to change my life - it kind of is what it is at the moment. Yeah, I have a heck of a lot more money than I did, but oddly I have not bought anything nor do I have the desire to do so.
But I truly believe the words of others here that it will get better. I don't know what tomorrow brings - and it could be wonderful. I need to give myself the opportunity to find that out and so do you. I know I have spent years destroying my brain and that it still needs time to heal. I'm believing that these cravings will begin to go away - but I know I need to work on myself more before they will. I guess I'm not in a place to give advice, as I feel I am the drug equivalent to "dry drunk"....but I'm not using and that's the key to life changing - and I do believe it will get better.
All I can suggest to you is TiredEnough's advice to me....give being sober 30 days, then reassess. I then gave it another 30 days. I'm on my third round of that now. I believe it will get better, I just need to give it more time. I understand it's not immediate. I have a lot to rebuild. So do you. But you have to give yourself some time clean to do that. I've spent many a night wondering what the point of living is, believe me. But there is something that keeps bringing you back here - some reason you want to stop. What is that reason? Whatever it is that is the thing you need to focus on...
Sending you hugs my friend, you are not alone....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Right here right now
Posts: 57
I'm sorry you are feeling so lost.... I've been following your story and I just wanted to know that I support you and wish you peace of mind.... I don't have any words of wisdom, only warm thoughts for you. There is a great big world out there that deserves to have you in it.....
Be well, be safe
Be well, be safe
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Sorry you are having such a hard time. For me, quitting the crack was a huge lifestyle change and I had no idea what I even used to like to do before smoking it.
It took time, and staying away from people, places and things. Not always easy, but crack took me a low I never want to experience again.
I won't say it was easy, but it was definitely worth it. I had to learn to be grateful for little things, and it wasn't easy. Pretty tough to find gratitude when you feel like you've messed up you're whole life and will be dealing with consequences forever.
I did find it, though, thanks to the urging and suggestions I read here. I still have bad days, but a crack pipe will only make it worse.
Did you ever go back and read Larry Live's full threads? If there was ever a man who had all the excuses to not get clean, and did it anyway? He did.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It took time, and staying away from people, places and things. Not always easy, but crack took me a low I never want to experience again.
I won't say it was easy, but it was definitely worth it. I had to learn to be grateful for little things, and it wasn't easy. Pretty tough to find gratitude when you feel like you've messed up you're whole life and will be dealing with consequences forever.
I did find it, though, thanks to the urging and suggestions I read here. I still have bad days, but a crack pipe will only make it worse.
Did you ever go back and read Larry Live's full threads? If there was ever a man who had all the excuses to not get clean, and did it anyway? He did.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,654
I'm sorry you're still struggling Four.
What I found was nothing that happened to me in the past - no violence, no abuse - was worth losing my life over.
The things that happened to me as a boy and a young man were horrible but by pushing them to one side with drugs and drink, not working through them, and never letting go of them, I was doomed to suffer that torment again and again.
It's time to decide.
You can keep the cycle of abuse going - or you can stop it - get some help, find support, work a program, see a counsellor?
You have a lot to live for Four. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee, man
D
What I found was nothing that happened to me in the past - no violence, no abuse - was worth losing my life over.
The things that happened to me as a boy and a young man were horrible but by pushing them to one side with drugs and drink, not working through them, and never letting go of them, I was doomed to suffer that torment again and again.
It's time to decide.
You can keep the cycle of abuse going - or you can stop it - get some help, find support, work a program, see a counsellor?
You have a lot to live for Four. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee, man
D
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
I sooooooo remember that. I was using or obsessing about using. It was like I was in a little room (where the needle and drug were) and I never wanted to leave. I loved getting high but hated it, too.
It took A LOT OF WORK to stay clean (I didn't say get clean because that part is easy for me. I quit a million times). I needed outside help to stay quit. I NEVER thought I would kick it for good because after a month or year, I ALWAYS went back to it. I figured, "what's the use? I can't stay clean for any length of time, anyway, so foock it."
This last time, I made a PLAN. I was ready and willing and I needed a plan. I went to a therapist who helped me make a plan I was willing to follow and then I FOLLOWED IT. Every single day to the letter.
I still follow it to this day (an evolution of it anyway as it has changed some). It is a miracle that I have not had a drink or a drug of any kind in my body for over 5 years. A freaking miracle. My life is beyond description today and I wish someone would have told me 20 years ago that I needed a plan and to follow the plan no matter what.
Glad you are here.
It took A LOT OF WORK to stay clean (I didn't say get clean because that part is easy for me. I quit a million times). I needed outside help to stay quit. I NEVER thought I would kick it for good because after a month or year, I ALWAYS went back to it. I figured, "what's the use? I can't stay clean for any length of time, anyway, so foock it."
This last time, I made a PLAN. I was ready and willing and I needed a plan. I went to a therapist who helped me make a plan I was willing to follow and then I FOLLOWED IT. Every single day to the letter.
I still follow it to this day (an evolution of it anyway as it has changed some). It is a miracle that I have not had a drink or a drug of any kind in my body for over 5 years. A freaking miracle. My life is beyond description today and I wish someone would have told me 20 years ago that I needed a plan and to follow the plan no matter what.
Glad you are here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Thank you so much
Today and right now I will try to just breathe and be grateful and honest and kind. Right now I'm afraid to be around the people so I came out to my car to isolate and also to deal with it by breathing and being with this discomfort . I have to feel it and take care of it with the same compassion I would have for the people here on SR
Today and right now I will try to just breathe and be grateful and honest and kind. Right now I'm afraid to be around the people so I came out to my car to isolate and also to deal with it by breathing and being with this discomfort . I have to feel it and take care of it with the same compassion I would have for the people here on SR
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Well it's frustrating to post this (and tiring for people to hear it over and over)...but I made it clean through work today and I should make it through the night and get a day clean.
Tonight I have group therapy and all I gotta do is make sure I make it there instead of canceling and then using for 3 hours and arriving home as if I went. But tonight I'll make it no matter what.
Tonight I have group therapy and all I gotta do is make sure I make it there instead of canceling and then using for 3 hours and arriving home as if I went. But tonight I'll make it no matter what.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
It's good that I'm driven down into a little despair. That is what will keep me clean today. I will continue to stay in today. I have to let go of all projections of tomorrow. I have to stay so focused on today and every breath that there is nothing else as much as I can. Whatever I feel I have to embrace and have a simple understanding and empathy and a scoop of gratitude and keep it simple
So now I will do some hedging and enjoy some work at home perhaps and just breathe and move.
So now I will do some hedging and enjoy some work at home perhaps and just breathe and move.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
A few years ago during another time getting clean and trying to learn to live my life - and yes we ALL have to learn to live our lives all over again. There is so much truth in the statement that we have so damaged ourselves that it takes a long time to heal and become "normal" if there is such a thing.
I wander astray from my point. I was going to a counselor who told me that I needed to find SOMETHING to replace the drug. I needed something about which I could feel that same passion that I felt (feel) for the drug and/or getting high.
I needed to participate in my recovery in an active fashion and I think that is what is lacking in part here. You are passively waiting for things to get batter. You are sitting and watching the world go by and wish you were in it. The only way to recover thoroughly is to participate. Do something active to get better. The idea of a plan is a good one. Develop a plan and follow it.
For me I found artistic expression to be what replaces the drug or the high. My medium is wood and the mechanism is tools. The thrill is what is going on in my head - where I love to live when high - when a design begins to grow and develop. Learning to use the tools to make the idea grow to fruition and seeing it come to life is a feeling unlike anything else and it is honest and clean and real.
That doesn't mean that I - above all others - have found the answer but I have found AN answer. I am doing something, developing something......
I know that I am still here at SR and for a reason as I stumble along through an addictive life. But I know that when I am actively using I don't feel any inspiration, any designs, any anything but after I am clean for a while my mind comes back to life and the cravings stop and the thoughts of using go away.
I wander astray from my point. I was going to a counselor who told me that I needed to find SOMETHING to replace the drug. I needed something about which I could feel that same passion that I felt (feel) for the drug and/or getting high.
I needed to participate in my recovery in an active fashion and I think that is what is lacking in part here. You are passively waiting for things to get batter. You are sitting and watching the world go by and wish you were in it. The only way to recover thoroughly is to participate. Do something active to get better. The idea of a plan is a good one. Develop a plan and follow it.
For me I found artistic expression to be what replaces the drug or the high. My medium is wood and the mechanism is tools. The thrill is what is going on in my head - where I love to live when high - when a design begins to grow and develop. Learning to use the tools to make the idea grow to fruition and seeing it come to life is a feeling unlike anything else and it is honest and clean and real.
That doesn't mean that I - above all others - have found the answer but I have found AN answer. I am doing something, developing something......
I know that I am still here at SR and for a reason as I stumble along through an addictive life. But I know that when I am actively using I don't feel any inspiration, any designs, any anything but after I am clean for a while my mind comes back to life and the cravings stop and the thoughts of using go away.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Thanks ice. For me it is writing for sure and there is no inspiration for that when I've been using. Tonight I am going to therapy and looking forward to it and to listening intensely and talking honestly
Take care
Take care
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Sorry you are struggling 4. Let me just say I wish certain things in your past NEVER EVER happened to you. We all have to live with our past, but let me say I too was sexually abused. It IS NOT easy to talk about or live with, but that just can not be a reason to keep using. You see if you think you have a reason to keep using and will not let go of that reason you will continue to use. Many of us have had some ugly sh*t happen to us and sure we could all use that as an excuse, but to come back from that and overcome that just might be the most magical moment of your entire life!! It gives you a reason to live and to keep on keeping on! To show others that does NOT define you and you are bigger than that can truly save your life. Don't let that horrible experience define you - stand up and overcome it - Be who you want to be!!!! Take Care my Friend!!!
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Thank you Marcus!
Well said and very inspiring for me to start my day with.
I don't consciously use the sexual abuse past as an excuse to use but it in the mix somewhere.
It's early morning and I'm about to take off for work. But I woke up today without hitting the snooze button for the first time in months. I have time for a short meditation. So off to it
:-)
Well said and very inspiring for me to start my day with.
I don't consciously use the sexual abuse past as an excuse to use but it in the mix somewhere.
It's early morning and I'm about to take off for work. But I woke up today without hitting the snooze button for the first time in months. I have time for a short meditation. So off to it
:-)
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Join Date: Mar 2005
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So many days I have strived to live in today. Sometimes with success: sometimes really experiencing "one day at a time" or "one moment at a time".
And also many times I have went back to my old ways and then at night I pray and wish that I will do better "tomorrow". That I will change tomorrow. And I go to bed believing in it...in the possibility...and tomorrow seems so filled with light. And I wake up with the hope and desire to live my life.
BUT...then I'm thinking of lunch time at 9am, or I'm thinking of quitting time at 230pm and I'm off to insanity again.…...……
So I was listening to the song below and the idea came to try to focus on this hope of tomorrow... to live in tomorrow. Not in next week or next year but in the hope of tomorrow. The hope that feels so strong the night before.
Well It sounded like an interesting idea but I just noticed that I fell back into the negativity of today, into the place of non-hope, into despair and then hate of the motherphucker making noise with his phone game.
So I will be mindful if all this happening right now. I will breathe in the relaxation of my jaws and tongue. I will smile my heart and eyes and notice the half smile of the Buddha form in my lips. And then I will notice the hope that is somewhere inside me: the hope of getting it right tomorrow.
The song titled "tomorrow" by SixxAM:
http://youtu.be/e75B7gY-2xo
And also many times I have went back to my old ways and then at night I pray and wish that I will do better "tomorrow". That I will change tomorrow. And I go to bed believing in it...in the possibility...and tomorrow seems so filled with light. And I wake up with the hope and desire to live my life.
BUT...then I'm thinking of lunch time at 9am, or I'm thinking of quitting time at 230pm and I'm off to insanity again.…...……
So I was listening to the song below and the idea came to try to focus on this hope of tomorrow... to live in tomorrow. Not in next week or next year but in the hope of tomorrow. The hope that feels so strong the night before.
Well It sounded like an interesting idea but I just noticed that I fell back into the negativity of today, into the place of non-hope, into despair and then hate of the motherphucker making noise with his phone game.
So I will be mindful if all this happening right now. I will breathe in the relaxation of my jaws and tongue. I will smile my heart and eyes and notice the half smile of the Buddha form in my lips. And then I will notice the hope that is somewhere inside me: the hope of getting it right tomorrow.
The song titled "tomorrow" by SixxAM:
http://youtu.be/e75B7gY-2xo
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Just reporting in to say hi
No good news .... day 1 again
Well maybe some good news in a way .... I told my wife about my using (she already knew I was lying but wait for me to say it).
She still cares has hope as she has my car keys and my wallet
No good news .... day 1 again
Well maybe some good news in a way .... I told my wife about my using (she already knew I was lying but wait for me to say it).
She still cares has hope as she has my car keys and my wallet
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