four812

I start off my 22 nd day clean I'm in the hole. That old familiar hole of insecurity, negative mind chatter/judgmental thinking. It's uncomfortable in my skin and I want to run from it like the old days. In the old days I would have went to crack city, went to sleep, overrate, and other things. But today I will recommit myself to recovery and to staying clean just for today. Now after writing these thoughts I want to use even more.

Included in my stinking thinking is disappointment with my marriage: my part and her part. And the anger at myself for getting married to quickly (10 months after we first met. I didn't take things into account that I should have because my blinders were on and it felt so good to be able to think I was a night in shining armor and that this relationship would bring me happiness ever after. I've done this my whole life

I have simply been able to learn my lessons about love and the sex that comes with it. Like that will make things better. Unfortunately it only works for a few months.

So I am left with me.

Today I pray to open up my heart and love myself and my life exactly as it is. I pray to do the right things today as best I can. I pray to let go of my resentments and to live in the reality of this very moment as I breathe in and out. I pray to ask for help and to receive it in every form that it comes to me today.

I pray to stay clean and sober that I will have a chance. Should I use then that chance could be gone forever. So I can think if this moment as a life and death situation. I can think of every moment as that and I can change into a new person who is loving and giving and open to possibility. I can stop dwelling in this sticky tar of doom that has owned me most of my life.....**% of my life after 16 years of age.

I pray to open my heart to the light of truth and wonder and care for others. I pray to be willing to do this and to persevere through every dark moment that may occur today.

cleaninLI

I'm speechless four.....that was awesome! You will do those things...I believe in you four!

four812

Thanks cleanin

I'm feeling a little better. The writing helped and the asking for help frame of mind that I was/am coming from

:-)

Ashamedof

That was nice to read, I needed that today! Thank you for sharing. You really know how to put words together that touch the soul. I understand what you're saying about jumping into things too quickly, love and lust can get confusing in the beginning of any relationship. I married mine only after 6 months!! After the initial fun , partying, sex stage wore off, I realized I had made a huge mistake. I'm not saying you made a mistake..I had blinders on too because I had just left a relationship where we were more like roommates than lovers into a full blown passionate relationship that I thought was "love".

I do hope you can work things out though. 22 days clean? I'm seriously impressed! Keep up the great work and worry about you because we're literally fighting for our lives right now.

Dee74

You're doing really well Four...all this stuff will work out in time

D

PurpleKnight

Day 22 is fantastic!!