branbran

I will likely be viewed as many people in 12 steps as being in hard-core denial. Prepared for that. I personally think the saying, "I'm an addict" is self-defeating, and creates a victim mentality. I understand the essence of the program, it's actually brilliant, but for people who truly, TRULY are incapable of helping their selves. That's just not me. First, it's to identify their actions rationally, that is as being irrational! This creates a connection between their emotions (irrationality) and their rationality (intellectual mind). After this is established, the emotional baggage is dealt with. After that focus, you work more with solidifying rational thought processes towards countering the addiction. You end up with a result of where people who aren't addicts default to: the using is no longer fun, and not worth it. You simply see it as something that causes you the pain you seek to not have, ie it's insanely foolish. Yea, I'm there, and have been, though I have jumped back into the fun of it before.

So I'm 31. I have been smoking pot, drinking alcohol, or in my grade years, doing harder drugs on occasion since the age of 12. I quit hard drugs after high school, stuck to pot and alcohol. I got my DWI in 2009, which was when I first started to have breaks from smoking pot. These mini breaks allowed me the experience to realize that the pot was affecting me, both emotionally and intellectually. So I never went back to the level I was toking before the DWI, though I did increase my alcohol use. I never had issue with going sober a week before seeing my PO. Never failed UA. Always had my reason intact to the degree that I was high functioning.

When I turned 30, I realized that there would come a time that I was old, and in need of cognitive reserves I was using up being playful in my youth. I reasoned that society would no longer deal with my extremes brought about through the inhibitions of being intoxicated as I reached middle age, so decided to go cold turkey on New Years. That lasted a few months, and I reached the stage where it was boring to be sober. I reasoned that perhaps I could keep things in moderation now that I went through a period of sobriety. Perhaps I could still enjoy partying while not going to the extremes. That didn't work. It only took a short period before my consumption was back to where it was. I continued on until the year ended. Restarted sobriety New Years Day.

I'm now 31, and have been sober what, about 20 weeks now? I notice improvements from last round. Last year, I obsessively counted each day of sobriety, and was happy to boast about the exact amount of days sobriety to anyone who would listen. Must have been annoying. I don't do that anymore. Not only do I not tell, I don't count the days. It's irrelevant. There is no time based goal, just a change in lifestyle. Which is where I'm at.

So I have been exercising a bit. I did that last year as well. The problem I encountered last year was going far overboard with training, and eventually burning out. As I burned out, I got depressed, which was a trigger for me to start using again. I got depressed/bored. This year, I ramped up slower. This allowed me to sustain my training cycle much longer. I've now caught myself in the process of burning out, and am in a recovery week. Nothing but good nutritious foods, lots of rest, and taking it very sleazy on myself, hehe.

So I'm back to the bored/depressed bit. There's not a chance in hell that I'm going to relapse. It's not in me. What I am wondering, is how long this process will continue on where I don't fully feel like myself before recreational drug use. Part of the problem with this, is that I was a child before partaking in drugs. Do I expect to be a child again? Nope. Then I think how many people are on SOMETHING to keep by, while not calling it addiction, and I don't do anything. I don't even take pain medication. I'm very protective over my body, even while I was consuming alcohol or marijuana, I did my best to negate the health consequences as I saw fit. So what is expected of anyone, let alone an individual who was entertained in part by recreational drug use?! I don't expect to be happy all the time, nor do I expect to be 100% of my potential prior to using. I expect there to be a reasonable timeline for recovery of one's mental/emotional faculties. I wonder how far along I am, and when I will start to feel like, "this is as good as it gets".

Does anyone have experience here? It would seem to depend on a variety of factors, some of which would lead to idiosyncratic results... outliers of general timelines. Some time last year I looked at a study which showed the average consumption of 1000+ alcoholics of ethanol over their lifetime. I converted this to average standard drinks, and realized I was no where close to their standard for an alcoholic. I'd say over my 18 years of consuming, I was less than a drink a day most years, and perhaps two of the years more like an average of 2-3 a day... some days drinking nothing, other days having upwards of a dozen, though usually on the high range more like 5-8. More days of nothing than 5-8 was my worst years. As for marijuana, it was on for a few years 12-15, off for a couple 15ish-17ish (harder drugs/alcohol prevailed), then back on averaging a gram a day of high quality for the next decade or so.

From what I've read, a good chunk is restored in the case of alcohol within the first 60-90 days, but to really get to feeling clarity for real alcoholics, it can take a year or longer. I was thinking, since I wasn't a true drunk, and have kept to a very good diet, plus exercise, that my recovery of intellectual faculties, and emotional stability would be a bit quicker.

My hope is there's still a little more to be looking forward to, and that it will happen over the next few months as long as I'm successful in balancing my interests with available energy supplies, ie ... I don't burnout and stay depressed for significant periods of time.

Thoughts?

Thanks!

branbran

I don't seem to be able to edit the post?!

In the third paragraph, second sentence, the word, "inhibitions", should read "lack of inhibitions".

Blah, I checked, it's actually the start of week 19. I usually edit opening posts a few times :/

jaynie04

Normal drinkers don't look at studies and do mathematical conversions about their alcohol consumption.

I was told early recovery is about 2 years. I don't have a formal program but I do see an addictions therapist once a week, a p-doc once a month and I am here a lot. Working out is great, but it takes mental and emotional work to unwind the thought processes we got used to.

You said you have been using since you were pretty young. I don't necessarily subscribe to the fact that you stop maturing the minute you pick up. But I do think we use instead of dealing with issues. That means that getting clean/sober isn't just about not drinking/using. It is about learning new behaviors.

It does get better. But you seem to be hanging on to your premise that you weren't a "true drunk". In other words, there are people who were worse off than you. There are also people who were better off than you who realized that booze and drugs were robbing them of things they wanted. So I would caution you about that idea, you mention it a few times in your post.

I don't really understand the retroactive recalculating of usage. I guess I feel it is almost a latent rationalization or minimization or justification. If I had to wager, I would guess that you are stuck because you are feeling like getting sober is something you are doing even though it wasn't absolutely necessary. I would feel stuck too.

My thoughts…you are stuck on the bridge. You have a foot in each camp and you are still toying with the idea that you got ahead of this thing. I have a feeling that is why you are treading water.

I am not trying to be harsh, but that is how your post came across to me. Hope you stick around.

branbran

I excelled in mathematics and sciences. Have never understood the concept of normality. We evolve alongside everything else. There is a perception of normalcy attempted to be solidified by people with large spheres of influence, often for their own gain, and against those who remain asleep. I deny the need for this perception, except as a point of reference when attempting to understand where people may be coming from.

Good for you. Whatever works for you, I'm all for. I'm aware that there is generally underlying reasons for partaking in various psychoactive substances. Sometimes, it's just because you'd like to experience novelty to a greater degree than your psychological disposition naturally allows. That seems to have been my case. Once the novelty wore off, there was no more to be experienced/learned, and it simply became a burden.

I think that's the situation with abuse. Use would be different. Do you use the drug, or does it use you? Do you need it to feel good, or is it simply complimentary to your regular disposition?

I can dig this. It wasn't until I was off pot that I realized the things I was beginning to miss out on from using so long.

I was genuinely curious to see where I stood as a potential drunk. Everyone I talked to didn't see me as one, yet this is how I saw myself. Once I did the analysis, I concluded that societies standards for a "true drunk" were pretty lax, and still thought of myself as starting to have issues from the amount I consumed, considering my life stage, and the duration of usage in general.

The thing you would be referring to is lifelong addiction issues? I can understand why you would come to such a conclusion, and I can assure you of nothing, only my actions will speak for their selves. I have no lasting desire to drink any more, or smoke pot. I take pride in my intellectual abilities, and however much I may feel a desire to partake on occasion, it's always trumped by the notion that I will likely lose my ability to keep my reasoning faculties so sharp as I continue to age, with usage being the case.

Not at all. I value honesty, and don't mind bluntness, as long as there's a little bit of consideration, which this last line clearly shows. Appreciate the thoughtful reply.

Dee74

I think there are two phases in recovery (well at least two that pertain to this thread).

There's getting clean and sober, and then there's being happy about that.

That second phase took me well over a year - I'd drank or drugged my entire adult life.
I had to learn to do a lot of things people take for granted - like negotiating social interactions sober, and learning how not to be bored.

I realised that I was living the same life I lived as a drinker - just without alcohol.
Sitting in front of the TV was fine for drunk me, but it left a lot to be desired for sober me.

If you're bored, think of things to do - think of hobbies, interests, things you'd like to try?

I found volunteering was a great way to get out of the house and doing something worthwhile.
It also helped me to get out of my own head a little and appreciate others and their stories and challenges.

I found a little service work really helped give me a new perspective on who I was and my place in the world.

I found a me I'd forgotten existed.

Not quite the guy I was at 15 when I started to escape reality, but better - I also had the wisdom and the experience of a (then) 40 year old man.

Anyway ... in short, you seem like an intelligent guy - if you're bored, fix it.
That's not being dismissive, it's the essence of the solution.

If that doesn't fix your depression, you might want to consider seeing a Dr.?

Best wishes
D

branbran

You know what was weird about me?! I didn't have the tele plugged in for 8 solid years. I decided to plug in uverse in January, and it bored me after about ten days.. I'm now stuck with basic cable package for the duration of contract, doh!

The boredom seemed to be what I was counteracting while enjoying using, but then it seemed like it was the opposite. Using became a source of boredom/depression towards the end. Now it's flipped, in that sobriety is for the most part a big blast.

I was somewhat social while intoxicated, for the most part, and am reasonably sociable being sober, but have always been fairly dyssocial, or maybe simply introverted and reserved is a better description.

My current hobbies are developing a business, and progressing through linear gains with strength training. I dumped the couch in place of an adjustable bench, and squat rack. Squats, Bench, Press, Deadlift, Rows, Chins, farmers walks, and sprints. In hiatus, atm, due to that thing called being a human being and needing downtime :/ hehe, almost through it and back in the game.

The business is 3D related. I'm not giving away too much here, as I'd like to ensure I'm the first in my metro area to be on the map with this idea. The tech is juuuust coming to fruition, and my last gadget is being released later this year. I have it on pre-order

Besides that, not much. I don't feel comfortable laying without adequately providing, as I'm after quite the catch. Longer term involves securing quality lady, going the kiddo route, and hoping we don't bust as a civilization as the century progresses.

I'm fairly content living in this world with but a few close friends, and keeping to just a few hobbies or maybe more as my energies steadily increase (hopefully).

Ah, I'd also like to switch focus from strength training, to sprint triathalon events and MAYBE even some of these obstacle course events, though, TBH, they kinda seem lame to me.

The boredom now is more a product of burnout/depression from overreaching into reserves.

I appreciate the reply.

Dee74

It could be a clinical matter, then. Certainly worth checking that angle out IMO

D

branbran

I'm personally very against pharmaceuticals in general, though would accept their usage in severe cases.

As for therapy, meh, I just assess my past attempts, and adjust. The issue is pretty common to people just beginning to truly train. It takes time to build up the mind/body connection and learn just how much you can handle. That saying... you'll never know how far you can go unless you're willing to fail.. comes to mind.

I just have an excuse for everything, don't I, LOL!

I will truly take your suggestion into consideration for future reference, though.

No insanity that is not my own liking

OpioPhobe

branbran - when I read through your post I thought the following caught the essence of what you are asking:

"What I am wondering, is how long this process will continue on where I don't fully feel like myself before recreational drug use."

If I am wrong then let me know. The problem with this is that it is narrowly focusing on the physiological aspects of the addiction. Yes, it will take a certain period of time for everything to get leveled out on a physiological basis. However, to fully feel like yourself depends on much more than just the passage of time. In an extreme example, imagine a alcoholic that was detoxed and then held in solitary indefinitely. Their brain would probably come back to a baseline at some point, and they would give the same response to their environment as they would if the never used. It wouldn't do them any good though because they aren't going to have any meaningful existence (unless they are a hermit). If you want to get back to feeling like you old non-using self then I think you should focus on how to build a life that you feel is meaningful. That part of it is independent from using / non-using. Non-addicts struggle with career choice, spirituality, marriage, financial security, hobbies, and everything else that comes with the package of life.

I can totally relate to your point about using drugs for their novelty. That was the same way that I feel about it, but I made the mistake of assuming that I didn't need to make any life changes. There was no "underlying issue" to fix so I should be able to get back to feeling "normal" with the passage of time. The problem with that was that the reasons why I started using weren't necessarily the same reason that I continued to use. My reasons for using weren't static. Over time the drug use did create "underlying issues", and it took me a long time to swallow that. Those issues took the form of a life that I had built over time that was non-livable with or without drugs. It didn't have to do with material things or anything else that someone from the outside could see. The drugs protected me from all the stress I had built in my life when they still worked. As soon as they turned on me I was toast.

I hope some of this is useful to you even though it dodges your question on timing.

branbran

First off, you sound like FUN!! Secondly, spot on.

Which, if they started off "sane", would be "insanity" in either case. We're social beings. Your point is well taken, though.

I don't know why, but I just wanna give you a hug!!

Agreed.

You didn't dodge it, you transcended it. Thanks!

There's a part of me that really feels for what you're saying, and though I don't know any details, really appreciates the depths of suffering which can be experienced by individuals.

I have tendencies which could easily be thought of as pathological. Like procrastination, except you actually will your way into positioning yourself in front of the biggest pile to be plowed through.. just to see if you can.

That has, for the most part, died down as my understanding of limitations has grown. As in, I don't need to test the limits in most circumstances... and I don't have the excess energies to be risking for marginal gains at this point.

So I'd have to say that there are likely still quite a few things to be learned through this ongoing process of what D would call, stage 2 of recovery.

I really like how you said, what is meaningful TO YOU, and that is essentially the root of my spiritual understanding. That being, there is no point, ultimately, but we're still bound by limitations in this form, and our interactions with each other, so must adhere to certain rules within reason, and pursue what inspires us as we see fit.