Friends who still use- how to deal
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Friends who still use- how to deal
I'm curious about experiences people have had with friendships/relationships, where you pretty much have to let go because they are still using & it's not something you have in common anymore; or, you try not to judge them but totally see through their excuses & denial; and, they consider you a threat for doing what they, deep down, know they should & you get all kinds of madness from that. Or their using is tempting & could cause a relapse, so you have to avoid them.
For me, it's been especially hard to lose a couple of friendships that have been in my life for twenty-something years, and to face the cold fact that drugs are the reason it has ended. For one thing, I can't deal with high people anymore, and for another, I think it's sad they are clinging to their drugs still. But I was in that place at one time too. Anyway- just curious because this is a hard one. Thanks!
For me, it's been especially hard to lose a couple of friendships that have been in my life for twenty-something years, and to face the cold fact that drugs are the reason it has ended. For one thing, I can't deal with high people anymore, and for another, I think it's sad they are clinging to their drugs still. But I was in that place at one time too. Anyway- just curious because this is a hard one. Thanks!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 577
Real friends were happy for me when they saw my life getting better. Most of them are still in my life. There were a few where it was clear that my sobriety shined a light on their use that they were uncomfortable with. After a while, most of those relationships found a way of rebalancing & working out. Only one guy did I have to completely cut out. He would try to get me to drink or make fun of me for not drinking. Had to let that one go...
It is hard to be the one who makes a change, but if you're doing it for yourself, just try to focus on the benefits sobriety is surely bringing. The awkwardness & sadness from missing old social patterns passes, from my experience.
It is hard to be the one who makes a change, but if you're doing it for yourself, just try to focus on the benefits sobriety is surely bringing. The awkwardness & sadness from missing old social patterns passes, from my experience.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Athene - Right now I have two close friends that are still using. They both withdrew somewhat from my friendship when I started quitting (about 1.5 months ago), but it was because they wanted to give me my space. I still kept in touch with both of them, but I haven't seen them in person that often since I quit. I always used by myself so it isn't a trigger for me to see them, even though I know that they are still using. If anything, it is a strong reminder why I quit, because they are both absolutely miserable right now.
It's ironic that you asked about this today. I am actually expecting one of them who is trying to quit to stop by here tonight. He is going to stay in a guest room for the next few days to get through the worst of the withdrawals. We'll see how that goes, because he has been trying almost every weekend and giving up at the 48 hour mark. I talked to him earlier this week and basically told him to stop messing around and quit already. He is ready to quit in my opinion, but has been struggling to do it on his own. I told him to come over so I could at least watch him, bring him bread and water, keep his spirits up, etc. His other attempts were made by himself in his apartment, and I think it was messing with his head to be all alone when kicking.
I have a small financial stake in his success, because I loaned him some money about a year ago. At the time I thought he had gotten clean, but I would have probably helped him out anyway if I had known he was still using. It was actually a good thing that I loaned him money, because he confessed that he would have killed himself a while ago if it wasn't for the fact that he needed to pay off his debt to me. Some folks would say that I was enabling, but he would have done the same for me. In part, because of the debt I didn't feel out of place by telling him that he needs to quit already and get this behind him.
My other friend that is still using is also going through hell. I have been corresponding with his wife who is about to pack up and leave. He doesn't have an IV habit thank God, but he has a bad sniffing habit. I have told her to be patient and give him another 30 days, but I am not sure that is going to be in the cards. He isn't ready to quit yet, but I think he is getting close. I have offered my help for when he is ready to quit, and it will be up to him to reach out to me. In the case of my second friend I am not going to push the issue, and I am giving him space to draw his own conclusions about quitting.
Both of them were very happy that I had quit, and I think it has inspired them to at least have some hope. I did have a way worse habit than either of them, a tougher set of obligations during withdrawal, etc. so they really don't have any excuses that they can use with me. All of that said, it is a waste of breath to try to convince them to quit if they aren't ready to quit.
This may be TMI for the question that you asked, but I have been actively trying to help them quit in any way that I can. Also, I told both of them that I would be their friend whether they continued to use or not. They already give themselves more grief about using than I could ever heap on them.
It's ironic that you asked about this today. I am actually expecting one of them who is trying to quit to stop by here tonight. He is going to stay in a guest room for the next few days to get through the worst of the withdrawals. We'll see how that goes, because he has been trying almost every weekend and giving up at the 48 hour mark. I talked to him earlier this week and basically told him to stop messing around and quit already. He is ready to quit in my opinion, but has been struggling to do it on his own. I told him to come over so I could at least watch him, bring him bread and water, keep his spirits up, etc. His other attempts were made by himself in his apartment, and I think it was messing with his head to be all alone when kicking.
I have a small financial stake in his success, because I loaned him some money about a year ago. At the time I thought he had gotten clean, but I would have probably helped him out anyway if I had known he was still using. It was actually a good thing that I loaned him money, because he confessed that he would have killed himself a while ago if it wasn't for the fact that he needed to pay off his debt to me. Some folks would say that I was enabling, but he would have done the same for me. In part, because of the debt I didn't feel out of place by telling him that he needs to quit already and get this behind him.
My other friend that is still using is also going through hell. I have been corresponding with his wife who is about to pack up and leave. He doesn't have an IV habit thank God, but he has a bad sniffing habit. I have told her to be patient and give him another 30 days, but I am not sure that is going to be in the cards. He isn't ready to quit yet, but I think he is getting close. I have offered my help for when he is ready to quit, and it will be up to him to reach out to me. In the case of my second friend I am not going to push the issue, and I am giving him space to draw his own conclusions about quitting.
Both of them were very happy that I had quit, and I think it has inspired them to at least have some hope. I did have a way worse habit than either of them, a tougher set of obligations during withdrawal, etc. so they really don't have any excuses that they can use with me. All of that said, it is a waste of breath to try to convince them to quit if they aren't ready to quit.
This may be TMI for the question that you asked, but I have been actively trying to help them quit in any way that I can. Also, I told both of them that I would be their friend whether they continued to use or not. They already give themselves more grief about using than I could ever heap on them.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
I'm having a very difficult time with this one. I live in a town that, unless you go to church or bars, it's very difficult to find/keep friends (it's a very transient place). So, I have one very good friend, with whom I began using and who continues to be a very bad influence at this point. She is still using and, after 20-some days clean, I had a very bad trigger and knew just where I could get drugs....and then I was off and running again.
I have no words of wisdom, I only can tell you that I get the struggle...
I have no words of wisdom, I only can tell you that I get the struggle...
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 214,355
I lost quite a few friends. Some of decades standing.
But...I reconnected with some old friends I'd alienated through my drinking and pot smoking...and I made lots of new ones too.
The priorities in my life changed - I changed - and the type of people I wanted around me reflected that change
But...I reconnected with some old friends I'd alienated through my drinking and pot smoking...and I made lots of new ones too.
The priorities in my life changed - I changed - and the type of people I wanted around me reflected that change
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 28
Thanks for all of the feedback- I lost track of this conversation, but find myself still going through this issue. Weeee! 
It was just my birthday on Saturday, and for years I've invited friends out & for the first time since the late 90s, I didn't invite "Pammy". I thought that I wouldn't hear from her at all, but she texted at about 4:00 p.m., which says to me the slow-fade out is something we are both feeling.
I think we are both struggling in our separate versions of why it isn't working anymore. One thing that was a big revelation is that she isn't sober. Weed is also her drug of choice (which is my addiction), along with a fairly regular intake of alcohol. I feel that when high, your brain just works out a different logic. No wonder I can't relate to where she's coming from. The truth seems so obvious & clear to me, but I'm not perma-stoned.
It's hard to be rigorously honest all of the time, but high people are annoying to me now- stuck, boring, out of it, talking bizarre nonsense, not present, and off in la-la land. Can't believe I was like that for SO LONG.
It was just my birthday on Saturday, and for years I've invited friends out & for the first time since the late 90s, I didn't invite "Pammy". I thought that I wouldn't hear from her at all, but she texted at about 4:00 p.m., which says to me the slow-fade out is something we are both feeling.
I think we are both struggling in our separate versions of why it isn't working anymore. One thing that was a big revelation is that she isn't sober. Weed is also her drug of choice (which is my addiction), along with a fairly regular intake of alcohol. I feel that when high, your brain just works out a different logic. No wonder I can't relate to where she's coming from. The truth seems so obvious & clear to me, but I'm not perma-stoned.
It's hard to be rigorously honest all of the time, but high people are annoying to me now- stuck, boring, out of it, talking bizarre nonsense, not present, and off in la-la land. Can't believe I was like that for SO LONG.
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Originally Posted by athene 
I'm curious about experiences people have had with friendships/relationships, where you pretty much have to let go because they are still using & it's not something you have in common anymore; or, you try not to judge them but totally see through their excuses & denial; and, they consider you a threat for doing what they, deep down, know they should & you get all kinds of madness from that. Or their using is tempting & could cause a relapse, so you have to avoid them.
For me, it's been especially hard to lose a couple of friendships that have been in my life for twenty-something years, and to face the cold fact that drugs are the reason it has ended. For one thing, I can't deal with high people anymore, and for another, I think it's sad they are clinging to their drugs still. But I was in that place at one time too. Anyway- just curious because this is a hard one. Thanks!
For me, it's been especially hard to lose a couple of friendships that have been in my life for twenty-something years, and to face the cold fact that drugs are the reason it has ended. For one thing, I can't deal with high people anymore, and for another, I think it's sad they are clinging to their drugs still. But I was in that place at one time too. Anyway- just curious because this is a hard one. Thanks!
Take care.
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Hi there. Weed is my doc too. We had some great friends we used to visit often but had to avoid when we quit. It felt bad to cut out these lovely people who were supportive of us in every other aspect. We didn't visit for two months which was unheard of and when we went there this week I explained it was because we had been quitting. For the first time they said they were cutting down a bit themselves. I can't say whether the friendships will be able to continue as they were before but it was nice to stop by and tell them (without so many words) that we still cared about them and it was only because of the weed that we didn't visit. I still have a hard time imagining cutting them out completely but I know being around them is a risk to my recovery.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 28
My program hasn't been that strong lately, mostly because of a falling out w/ someone who is a giant personality in the meetings- there aren't that many, so hard to avoid. That might be why this is tough, because I haven't fully rebuilt a new community of non-using friends.
I don't want to start using again, but that vigilance is slipping, where another voice is coming into it, like maybe weed isn't so bad & is it worth throwing away friendships of 20+ years away over it?
When I'm clear about keeping off drugs, then I'm clear about who to stay away from, because they aren't supportive. They give the words of support, but then show up to hang out w/ me & they are clearly stoned. I can't be around it. I can't smell it. I can't even know it is in someone's purse. Like- I am insane & will manipulate the hell out of the Pope if my jones is in full effect. Being around it puts me in that place. If strangers have it, I can deal a little bit better for some reason, but with friends, it's harder. And yes it's "just" weed, but I was on my way to harder drugs for sure, so I can't let it take control again.
"Pammy" showed up high when we hung out last May, and I'm convinced she was sneaking off her one-hitter while I was busy saying good-bye to someone. I used to be like that. It's almost like she knew I'm not getting high, so she HAD to get high & then HAS to do it before getting in the car with me. How can I be around that? Why is she doing that?
I guess my addiction made me do crazy things too & we were powerless. She is in that place & I suppose it doesn't help to enable it by pretending it's fine, and that I can look away from the fact that she's getting high around me. I mean- that is NOT supportive. It's so effing passive aggressive, stubborn, and jerky, like I'm not telling her what to do. Well- then she can have fun with that, because I can't be around it & I can't get weak on that.
I don't want to start using again, but that vigilance is slipping, where another voice is coming into it, like maybe weed isn't so bad & is it worth throwing away friendships of 20+ years away over it?
When I'm clear about keeping off drugs, then I'm clear about who to stay away from, because they aren't supportive. They give the words of support, but then show up to hang out w/ me & they are clearly stoned. I can't be around it. I can't smell it. I can't even know it is in someone's purse. Like- I am insane & will manipulate the hell out of the Pope if my jones is in full effect. Being around it puts me in that place. If strangers have it, I can deal a little bit better for some reason, but with friends, it's harder. And yes it's "just" weed, but I was on my way to harder drugs for sure, so I can't let it take control again.
"Pammy" showed up high when we hung out last May, and I'm convinced she was sneaking off her one-hitter while I was busy saying good-bye to someone. I used to be like that. It's almost like she knew I'm not getting high, so she HAD to get high & then HAS to do it before getting in the car with me. How can I be around that? Why is she doing that?
I guess my addiction made me do crazy things too & we were powerless. She is in that place & I suppose it doesn't help to enable it by pretending it's fine, and that I can look away from the fact that she's getting high around me. I mean- that is NOT supportive. It's so effing passive aggressive, stubborn, and jerky, like I'm not telling her what to do. Well- then she can have fun with that, because I can't be around it & I can't get weak on that.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Frisco
Posts: 44
It depends. I was into ganja and drinking. Being around either doesn't effect me in the least, but I find myself not wanting to hang around drunks or stoners for the most part. I do, however, go to a bar that's 200 ft from my apartment front door every other day or so. Just ignore the drunks, talk to the ladies, and generally socialize.
I have a friend from high school who is simply a hardcore addict... meth is her choice I bet you don't think this is going to be a happy story. It's not. She started off decent, and now is ... something else. She just got out of her second bout of prison for failing UAs, and in the halfway house is showing serious signs of hardcore denial. The jist of what I got from our conversation the other day is she would like me to accept a relationship with her that I view as abusive, which she finds offence to. End result is I had to cut her out.
I feel bad, but ultimately it's best. She has no sober friends besides me to rely on, but I can't rely on her to truly commit to an honest try of sobriety. It's just too much self-delusion for me to try and crack. The program doesn't seem to work. She seems to have taken out select chunks that give a completely different message than what it's trying to push on her. It all just drives me bonkers trying to keep up with her insanity and I feel abused from it.
So I mean, it depends. If it's friends who are triggering you... get out. If it's friends who are truly far too gone, get out. If it's someone who is honestly trying to get well and looking on your for support from time to time... up to you. If it doesn't seem to be a bother to you, or them of their use, why not?
You did say, though, that it does seem to affect you, to the point that you're now rationalizing going back in it to keep the friendship. That's going to be a decision you have to really consider very hard. Don't look to the friendship, at least not only. Look at who YOU were, what YOU did, and if YOU can handle that side of you coming back into existence. It's selfish for anyone to try and push you back into it. It's okay to care, but move on.
Up to you.
I have a friend from high school who is simply a hardcore addict... meth is her choice I bet you don't think this is going to be a happy story. It's not. She started off decent, and now is ... something else. She just got out of her second bout of prison for failing UAs, and in the halfway house is showing serious signs of hardcore denial. The jist of what I got from our conversation the other day is she would like me to accept a relationship with her that I view as abusive, which she finds offence to. End result is I had to cut her out.
I feel bad, but ultimately it's best. She has no sober friends besides me to rely on, but I can't rely on her to truly commit to an honest try of sobriety. It's just too much self-delusion for me to try and crack. The program doesn't seem to work. She seems to have taken out select chunks that give a completely different message than what it's trying to push on her. It all just drives me bonkers trying to keep up with her insanity and I feel abused from it.
So I mean, it depends. If it's friends who are triggering you... get out. If it's friends who are truly far too gone, get out. If it's someone who is honestly trying to get well and looking on your for support from time to time... up to you. If it doesn't seem to be a bother to you, or them of their use, why not?
You did say, though, that it does seem to affect you, to the point that you're now rationalizing going back in it to keep the friendship. That's going to be a decision you have to really consider very hard. Don't look to the friendship, at least not only. Look at who YOU were, what YOU did, and if YOU can handle that side of you coming back into existence. It's selfish for anyone to try and push you back into it. It's okay to care, but move on.
Up to you.
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