Roskizzle

Hi everyone.

I'm sitting here thinking about cocaine. I'm thinking about how good it makes me feel. I'm thinking that it would make me feel better. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I exercise regularly, I am training in a job I thought I wanted, I have a lovely girlfriend, great friends. I have been clean a year on Monday. WHY DO I STILL FEEL SO LOW. I feel angry and want to ale drugs and forget. I can't stop thinking about them. But then I think of what I'd be throwing away. And then I think I don't care I feel empty.

liv1ce

I am not familiar with you Ros so looked up a previous thread. You were 5 months sober in April so must be 10 or more by now. I have been down this road before and it is now for the 3rd time. I threw away 10 years once and went to hell for 3 after that. I am now at 18 months and know for a fact that the battle is never over and the war never won. After exploring several "reasons" I have come to realize two things: I simply love to get high and I cannot in any way, shape or form control it. My only choice is to stay completely away. So what then do I do with the love of getting high? It doesn't go away. It is part of me. I can be totally passionate, overwhelmed and obsessive about it.

The best advice I was ever given was to recognize the passion/obsession that I have and try to find something that I can be equally passionate about to replace it.

For me it has become artistic expression that takes the form of woodworking. It comes from my heart and my brain and exits through my hands. The selection, search, care and learning of the tools and the art is all consuming for me. When in a project I can hardly go to work. Sound familiar?

I am in no way suggesting that you undertake woodworking but indicating the redirecting of that obsessive part of you brain or character in another direction that is expressive or creative or whatever.

I have been woodworking for many years but each time I have slipped off the path I have lost it and each time I have returned It has risen to a new level.

DecBaby

While you're going through this craving play the tape. You get high and then what. What happens when the high is over? You'll have disappointed yourself, may keep on getting high, you'll disappoint your girlfriend, jeopardize your new job and other things only you know. My guess would be it isn't worth it.

mkintexas

Hi. I HAVE relapsed. I am in the middle of it now. All I can tell you. It sucks. There is no happiness where I am at. There is only a few seconds of pleasure followed by guilt and sadness. All I can say is DO NOT join me. It is not a fun place. It is not like you may remember. And it does not make it all better.

Spider1488

I agree!! you just have to find something that consumes you. I don't know how many times I've come close to relapsing, but I think of what I want out of life and what I've come back from. I can only wish you the best, but in the end you answer to yourself.

hellomynameis

Thank you from the addict who said it is "not like you remember"....I am almost to 60 days right now...and I am starting to remember...and I am sure that it is not like I remember but my addict mind wants it to be just perfect...and it my addict mind it is. I want to use b/c I want to erase the feelings I Have for things I cannot control.

mkintexas

I can tell you the roses as unicorns your minds brochure has is wrong. It is dead plants and worms along with the stink of death. Throw the brochure away. You will still have the feelings for things you can't control and added feelings of guilt. Not to mention. It is a lot harder to quit again. Yea. Our circumstances are different I am sure. But the truth of addiction and where it leads you are not different.

crissyybabyyxx

Find something you love and do it. Set some goals....find something new that interests you and make it a new obsession.
Do u like music? Art?
.....I recently went through a hard time (not drug related tho) and I had to consume myself in other things rather than my misery.
I decided I would train for a race. I set a goal and ran in a 5k race.
Maybe train for a running marathon??

Best of luck!

finaltime

Mk is so right. I also relapsed recently and it was not good, it was good for about 10 minutes then came the feelings of shame, desire for more, the need, the worry of sickness, the extra money, the searching around for more, counting, obsession. No laughter, no waking up in the morning feeling good, just waking up with the first thought of man, you are a mess again. Beating myself up all day. NO enjoyment what so ever. Stay strong my friend. Find something to occupy that brain of yours. I know with myself, when I am bored I want to lay around and watch movies high. Its no way to live.