timeflies

I have made my decision today to come clean and be sober. It has been a long time coming.. I knew it would have to happen eventually. Better sooner than later. I have told the most important people in my life about my decision and they are extremely supportive.

I was somewhat afraid to tell my fiancé... But he was more supportive than I could have imagined. After crying literally all day, he came home from work and I told him I was done. I'm done with drugs and I'm done with alcohol. I want to look forward to things that I can enjoy sober and not have to pop pills or drop acid to enjoy. He completely agreed with me.. He said it was a phase in our life and it was fun while it lasted but it's just not fun anymore. It's stressful trying to figure out where we are getting our next fix, or if we are going to get high enough... Or going to get sick. It's unnecessary stress. We have come this far and we are lucky that we came out of this phase mostly unscathed. He said I am much more important than his friends that do drugs, and he will always choose me over them. And if they give him trouble, screw them they are not true friends.

He will be discontinuing as well. We have already gotten rid of our stash. It's such an empowering feeling to say, "I don't want this in my life anymore." And get rid of it. We have a few rave-like concerts coming up that we have already purchased tickets for. And we still plan to go... Sober. We can always leave early. We still enjoy the music so I think we will still have fun. But in the future we will try to put ourselves in the environment less.

I was saving money to go to EDC in Las Vegas next summer, where I was planning to get high out of my mind for days. I won't be going anymore. Instead I was thinking of maybe getting my first tattoo with the money. Something to commemorate my decision. Not sure of what yet. I'll have plenty of time to think about it. Been wanting one for awhile but never really had a good reason.

I'm going to my first NA meeting tomorrow. Thanks everyone for your help in pushing me toward this decision!

Mountainmanbob

I would think twice regarding the tattoo
so many of them turn out to look silly (especially as the years pass by)
my son has plenty that he would probably rather be without
and my cousin and my sponsor and my -- the list goes on and on

the new in thing someday soon may just be
a nice beautiful body with no tattoos (they will be hard to find)

I have never seen even one tattoo on a girl that I like

go ahead tattoo freaks blast me

Mountainman

timeflies

Hahaha well we are all entitled to our opinions, no doubt. And I totally respect that! I'm going to think about it. It'll definitely be tasteful and be something that will have meaning for me. And it'll be hidden only for me to see (and my fiancé?). I cannot have visible tattoos with my work :-)

Who knows, might change my mind, just an idea to throw out there and feel excited for.

timeflies

But the main point here is that I've decided to become sober... All tattoo talking aside!

DecBaby

I think this is all great. Five years ago while I was in active addiction I made the decision to get a tattoo on the inside of my wrist. Nobody knows this but the reason I got this is to remind myself I don't want to be the kind of person who keeps making suicide attempts. Since I got it I've been suicide attempt free which I'm very proud of. Now me continuing my drug use well that's another story.


I hope you stick around here. Please keep up updated.

timeflies

I think that's a great reason to get a tattoo. I myself have been suicidal... And my attempts were made during alcohol induced blackouts which hopefully will no longer occur if I stay clean. I'm glad your tattoo was useful in helping you become suicide attempt free! :-)

I plan to stick around and keep everyone updated. I'm really getting a lot connecting with everyone on here

Lyoness

Congratulations on your decision timeflies! It's inspiring to read your posts and I'm sure you're helping lots of others in sharing your decision to get clean.

I think getting a tattoo is a great idea and can be a good reminder/affirmation of your decision. I have wanted one for a long time, too, and thought about something recovery/healing themed. I hadn't thought of one for suicide issues but that really inspires me, too, DecBaby. Thank you for sharing about that.

timeflies

Thanks lyoness! I'm thinking of something like leaves of change. Green loves turning to orange and falling down my back, very elegantly and gently. Kind of like leaves of change. Right now where I am it is summer turning to fall. The air is becoming crisp.. Fall always reminds me of a new start for some reason. Fitting timing for my decision.

Lyoness

That sounds beautiful timeflies! It is late summer turning toward autumn here, too, with an early rain and cold spell. I love autumn also and think of it as a time of new beginnings as well. A great time for your new life to begin!

TiredEnough

Lots of tattoos here! I did limit them to upper arms and back due to my career

People say tattoos are there forever. I say they are no more permanent than we are. Our skin is just a shell we cast away at the end of this life. Many choose to decorate it

cleaninLI

Hello timeflies, congratulations on your decision to make this life change for the better! I love your tattoo idea, it sounds very pretty. Fall is my favorite time of year also! Like you guys, I feel it signifies new beginnings too. The perfect time for you and your husband's new beginning! Hopefully this will be a good thing for the both of you and will strengthen your relationship. Thanks for coming here and sharing it with us! We hope you will stick around and make us a part of your journey!

timeflies

Thanks everyone! TiredEnough, I really like the analogy of our skin being a shell :-) just beautiful.

CleaninLI, I hope it strengthens our relationship as well!!

I'm very nervous about going to NA tonight... I'm afraid I will chicken out once I actually get there. There is someone I know who might be there that doesn't know of my issues and idk if I can handle him finding out this way. I'm going to try to push myself to at least get there and get it over with. The sooner I get myself there... The sooner the anxiety will lessen I feel.

Lyoness

Hi timeflies. Everyone is somewhere between nervous and terrified at their first meeting. And if you can, try not to worry about that other person. He is there for the exact same reason that you are! And you might find that he might turn out to be an ally and source of unexpected support.

timeflies

Okay, so I just got home from my first meeting... And I'm not really sure what to think. I don't know if NA is the right fit for me.... Like I think it would be helpful and a lot of what people say resonates with me but at the same time it seems a little too extreme.

For example, I can tell many people have overcome really extreme addictions such as to heroine and opiates. I am trying to quit using ecstasy, mushrooms, and acid every few months or so. I havent really hit super rock bottom with this habit and I don't feel like I'm having extreme cravings. However, if I am ever in the rave scene, I may feel an urge.

With alcohol I feel more of a need to quit. I don't drink everyday or even every week. About once every couple of months I go out to drink with friends and get into the mindset for some reason and I drink until I black out, end up with bruises and embarrassing stories... Even get suicidal. But I can drink and stop in other circumstances.. It's like an uncontrollable mindset. So for all my substance abuse habits, drinking has been the most harmful. But I don't know if I would fit at the AA meetings either.

I guess I'm just really confused right now.. And I'm feeling like maybe my drug use isn't such a big deal and that I should go to the concerts I have lined up and do my usual thing, get high. But then I realize this is addict thinking.. And I'm at the beginning again. I have one show coming up on sunday and one on Tuesday and I'm a little worried. I was planning to go to NA again next week but forgot I had the show to go to.. Even though I told girls at the meeting I would be there next week cause I forgot.

I feel more confused than I thought I would. Maybe I should call up someone on the list they gave me and ask for advice?

I'll be back at school tomorrow in the world of the normies... And I almost feel like I belong less. Because I don't belong at the NA meetings.. And I don't belong with the normies... But I sure do have a lot in common with the people I use with. We all have jobs and we are all responsible... But we use drugs every once in awhile. I don't know what I'm thinking. I feel like I'm losing my mind

cleaninLI

Timeflies I've heard that AA meetings have a different feel to them. Not quite sure what that means but I think they are less extreme. You could try one of those. I'm not an expert on NA or AA as I've only been to 4 or 5 meetings my I entire life. I did feel a little more comfortable in the AA meeting though. Perhaps, someone with more knowledge can advice you. Please don't shrug off your problem with drugs or alchohol. It's really not normal or healthy for that matter, to use even at the level you do. There is no such thing as a small addiction.

One more thing, you never mentioned kids, but I'm assuming that you are young and may want them sometime in the future. If that's the case, now, before they come into the picture is the best time to get a handle on your drug use. Sorry, if I'm way out there and it doesn't apply.

I hope you have a great day!

fancyfee

Only you know if you're an addict, and your addict voice will try to trick you out thinking you are; whether it's to alcohol, shrooms, molly or acid.

If you have to get high or trip to enjoy the shows, then you aren't really going for the music, you're going to get high or trip. My last Phish show was a year ago, I think. I drank and ate pills the whole time. I was nodding during my favorite songs. Stupid! So, now all my old (30 yo) friends are going to Halloween and New Year's shows, but I'm not. I don't want the temptation (drug city) and I don't want to be triggered.

The normies get good jobs and don't worry if they are a drug addict or alcoholic. They have fun too, but don't need to get high to have fun. Know what I mean?

TiredEnough

Timeflies, I dont think NA or AA is a prereq for quitting for everyone. Some people love it and it works for them. That doesnt mean its for everyone and you cant live a sober life without it.

That "it aint so bad, I can get high sometimes" is rationalization but its good you recognize that. I think most of us have tried to reason with the dope at one time or another.

timeflies

Thanks for all your input!! CleaninLI, I don't know if I am planning to have kids yet. Me and my fiancé would like to have kids someday but not really sure when or if we will change our minds. I would definitely want to get this cleared up before I had them (if we do)...so you're definitely right about that.

I appreciate all of you keeping me on the path here. I really like that you guys are always willing to pick me up when I begin to doubt myself. I have had a little time to think after the meeting... And I don't know if it's for me. It's a little too preachy and they push doing service, finding a sponsor, and learning the steps. I understand that and I respect it, I just don't think I need to do that to quit at the moment. I have a lot of good things going right now, so in other words, distractions from my drug use. I just want to focus on school and keep the drugs and alcohol out of my life. Knowing that I won't be foggy headed during my studies and knowing I can hang out with my classmates without resorting to drugs/alcohol is pushing me enough.. And knowing I can pass whatever drug test that may ever be given to me at work is a great piece of mind.

I plan to go to NA meetings at least twice a month for now because it is a good reminder of everything that I could lose if I continue along the drug/alcohol path. I might try AA at some point but I feel like I've already broken the "first day" anxiety at this particular meeting so I might stick with it for now.

Things might change in the future... I may realize that my addiction has a stronger hold on me than I initially thought so I may need to take further steps in NA. I know I'll eventually come up against some hard times, but for now this will do!

timeflies

Hey, sorry to everyone who was looking into how my meeting went on the other thread. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to update things on the forums!!

Hellomynameis and others from previous thread: You can read about my experiences and thoughts above but I wanted to give you more information about how it went since you really were helpful! When I got there I realized that you were right... Everyone knew that I was new. I was about the only person in the room with nobody sitting next to me on either side. I was so extremely nervous, I just tried to stay calm and get on with it. So they were doing all the readings at the beginning and I didn't realize that one of them was on the chair next to me. I ended having to do the reading and as I read it (I think it was 'Why We Are Here'), I just started bawling uncontrollably.. And I couldnt read anymore so I handed it to the guy next to me and asked if he could finish it. He had to find his glasses because he couldn't read it and everyone was kind of giggling at the situation (it was kind of comedic), but thankfully he finished it for me.

I was so completely mortified at not keeping my cool. What a great way to start off an hour and a half meeting..ugh! So I did introduce myself as new and they gave me my white NA keychain and a list of phone numbers. Some younger girls introduced themselves to me after the meeting and invited me to another meeting the following day. They also urged me to call them. I'm pretty anti-social and I was really out of my element but I was greatful to them.

As you can see from my above posts, I probably won't be attending often.. But I think I will call one of the girls on the list to explain my situation so that they won't be let down that I won't be there next week.

Thank you so much for pushing me to do this.. I do feel like it was a first great step toward recovery. It has helped me figure out my method for recovery and it's nice to know I have a group I can go to if I'm feeling down/alone or feeling like using.

cleaninLI

Timeflies, I'm glad you doing so well. I felt awkward and out of place at my 1st NA meeting, also. I went with a woman from my IOP group. She introduced me to a lot of old timers she knew and had become close to. The thing which turned me off was all the hugging that they did. I am a little more ridged when it comes to boundaries and did not feel comfortable having random strangers ( male or female, but most were male) coming up and hugging me. It felt extremely awkward. I went a few times after that before deciding that it wasn't for me.

I do attend an IOP, but I feel I get the most knowlede and support from here. I was accused of isolating last week from the group counselor. Probably he feels that way because I don't attend NA or AA. I tryed to explain that there are other recovery methods that better meet my needs, such as SR. He wasn't convinced. I guess he hasn't been on a recovery forum and has no idea how much they offer. Oh, well, this is my recovery after all, right? I'm glad that you've learned what works for you! Congratulations!