Documenting the journey
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Great journal! Congratulations on and best wishes with your taper. I definitely think the pills made my pain worse so I kept upping the dose. I also used them for psychological numbing though. I sucked at tapering. For me personally, it made the WD worse so I had to take more because I was addicted. I did successfully ( so far) quick taper on suboxone. It helped get me over the psychological and physiological cravings. I'm not suggesting that for you, but sharing my own experience. I had some PAWS this weekend or maybe just the WD from subs. It is tough, but like you wrote, if you are armed with the knowledge, then you can prepare. Best wishes and thank you for sharing!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Keepin' on keepin' on. Am facing a busy week and weekend ahead. Just going to do the best I can and if I stumble I will not self flaggalate and make myself feel worse. One tiny step at a time. Have a good week and weekend all.
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I’m thinking strongly on Cory Montieth this morning. He was such a beautiful spirit. He wasn’t a failure; he just got caught up in the grip of drugs. Just like us……. just like us. And he couldn’t get out. It’s not because he didn’t try, he did. He tried over and over to get out of the grips of drugs. And that got me to thinking about how we all count days and how we all say we failed one day or are starting over on another. But that’s not really true. We all continue the struggle each and every day, whether it’s a day of using or a day of being clean from our DOC. I personally don’t like counting days. They mean nothing to me in the large scope of things. I can still have a slip even after a year, 3 yrs. 6yrs or 10yrs. If I slip after 10yrs it’s doesn’t mean I’ve failed, it doesn’t mean I have to start over from number one again. It just means I better do some internal work and get a grip on the situation. Each and every one of those sober moments that get strung together, is still a struggle in some way. I remember when I got sober from alcohol; each day included a struggle of some kind. My favorite drug store sold booze, so I had to avoid it lest I be tempted by the mere sight of a bottle of vodka or a six pack of beer. I didn’t attend family gatherings because everyone drank, no birthdays, no holidays, no picnics in the park. I had to totally rearrange my whole life for a very long time. It wasn’t until my 6th or 7th year of sobriety that it no longer bothered me. Maybe it’s not like that for everyone, but it was for me. The same goes for any substance we abuse, we have to rearrange our lives if we want to make it. Counting days isn’t going to help us make it, in my opinion. What’s going to help us make it is having a damn good plan. We need to stop winging it and hoping we can do XYZ without a plan. Most things in life require a plan in order to be successful. We all don’t just jump on a train one day and say we’re headed to NYC if the train in our town doesn’t go to NYC. We need to have a plan.
I don’t know how it is for anyone else, but for me part of my plan means I need to avoid certain people. Stress and fear are my number one triggers. It’s just how it is for me. Coming from a dysfunctional family and having a partner who comes from one too means I’ve had to distance myself from a lot of people in order to keep my own life on track. I didn’t realize that right away, but I sure as heck do now. I don’t do liars well, I’ve finally figured out there’s a family narcissist, a family schizophrenic, a family bi-polar/personality disorder, a childhood sexual abuser, the family controller, the hoarder, the one who stuffs everything under the carpet and pretends it doesn’t exit, and then there’s me…….one messed up chick because my dysfunction is high sensitivity to all of it. My dysfunction is putting myself on the line for others. I’m the helper, the one people lean on and talk to. I have vision and compassion and empathy. And I turn to my DOC to cope. In my family of origin I’m the only one who has sought professional help to deal with my own issues. Doing so helps me to see the dysfunction around me very clearly. And yet, even tho I’ve dealt with my own issues, everyone else’s issues causes a degree of stress in my life that has resulted in me having to detach and distance myself from them. Undoubtedly I could use another round of therapy in order to deal with my own stressors and fears but money is of short supply these days so it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen any time soon.
Today I continue to rearrange my life in order that I can live as unaffected as possible from the dysfunction of others. What is it that you need to do in this day that will help you to achieve one more day of not using?
I don’t know how it is for anyone else, but for me part of my plan means I need to avoid certain people. Stress and fear are my number one triggers. It’s just how it is for me. Coming from a dysfunctional family and having a partner who comes from one too means I’ve had to distance myself from a lot of people in order to keep my own life on track. I didn’t realize that right away, but I sure as heck do now. I don’t do liars well, I’ve finally figured out there’s a family narcissist, a family schizophrenic, a family bi-polar/personality disorder, a childhood sexual abuser, the family controller, the hoarder, the one who stuffs everything under the carpet and pretends it doesn’t exit, and then there’s me…….one messed up chick because my dysfunction is high sensitivity to all of it. My dysfunction is putting myself on the line for others. I’m the helper, the one people lean on and talk to. I have vision and compassion and empathy. And I turn to my DOC to cope. In my family of origin I’m the only one who has sought professional help to deal with my own issues. Doing so helps me to see the dysfunction around me very clearly. And yet, even tho I’ve dealt with my own issues, everyone else’s issues causes a degree of stress in my life that has resulted in me having to detach and distance myself from them. Undoubtedly I could use another round of therapy in order to deal with my own stressors and fears but money is of short supply these days so it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen any time soon.
Today I continue to rearrange my life in order that I can live as unaffected as possible from the dysfunction of others. What is it that you need to do in this day that will help you to achieve one more day of not using?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Today I felt inspired to talk about the negative effects narcotic pain meds have had on my life. How they changed me and turned me into someone I’m really not and how they have affected my partner as well.
The most prominent effect narcotic meds have had on me is by turning me into a raging lunatic. Anger and frustration permeates almost every aspect of my life because of them. Ordinary frustration becomes out of control quickly and some of the filthiest words and phrases fall from my lips. I become someone I don’t know. I used to blame this on a multitude of unfortunate life experiences that I finally was just fed up with. It got to the point where I was taking meds just to cope with the stress and to dull the ache of painful emotional experiences. Fact is, I probably could have handled things a lot better if not for the meds. I cannot discount that some of the things that I’ve been thru in the past 10yrs have indeed been horrific experiences, but I admit I hid my feelings behind the shield of narcotic meds. They helped me to sweep the intensity of my emotions under the rug for a while. However, in time, those emotions became out of control and so did my life.
I used my life experiences as an excuse to take more of the meds than I actually needed for real pain. Job loss, unemployment, two bankruptcies, loss of home, and finally disability. I was dealing with some serious health issues in regards to my in-laws and spent many years as partial caregiver with my partner for them until I could no longer take the abuse they dished out. And every bit of the way I was fueled by narcotic meds. Each day, each week, each month, my osteoarthritis became worse and worse until I had to finally withdraw my help of others and concentrate on my own health.
I grew resentful and angry of many things and that anger was spewed in ways that I’m ashamed of. My anger grew out of control and sadly has negatively affected my partner of 13 yrs. I am lucky to have him. Most men would have thrown me out a long time ago. He doesn’t know that my anger is from the meds I’m on. He just thinks I’m this awful, out of control person, but this person he sees is the result of the medication and not who I really am. My heart aches when I think of all he’s endured, because he’s a really good person who deserves better. I still haven’t found a way to tell him of my difficulties with this medication.
I feel horrendous guilt from my angry words and actions while trying to deal with life experiences on this medication. I see how my words and actions affect him so much. He deserves so much better than I have dished out over the years. He deserves to know the truth.
The guilt then turns to depression and a a few more pills helps me to deal with that……to sweep it under the rug along with everything else.
My out of control behavior has caused my partner to pull away from me emotionally and physically. The pain of that just causes me to deal with it by popping a couple more pills. They have become the main source of avoidance in all things regarding the dysfunctions of my relationship with my partner. I cannot however, let him off the hook completely, because he comes with his own bag of dysfunctions that he refuses to own or work on, but that is his business and I cannot control what he does or doesn’t do. I wish I had realized that sooner instead of trying to orchestrate his life for so long, but it is what it is now and I can’t go back and change things. I can only move forward.
The most prominent effect narcotic meds have had on me is by turning me into a raging lunatic. Anger and frustration permeates almost every aspect of my life because of them. Ordinary frustration becomes out of control quickly and some of the filthiest words and phrases fall from my lips. I become someone I don’t know. I used to blame this on a multitude of unfortunate life experiences that I finally was just fed up with. It got to the point where I was taking meds just to cope with the stress and to dull the ache of painful emotional experiences. Fact is, I probably could have handled things a lot better if not for the meds. I cannot discount that some of the things that I’ve been thru in the past 10yrs have indeed been horrific experiences, but I admit I hid my feelings behind the shield of narcotic meds. They helped me to sweep the intensity of my emotions under the rug for a while. However, in time, those emotions became out of control and so did my life.
I used my life experiences as an excuse to take more of the meds than I actually needed for real pain. Job loss, unemployment, two bankruptcies, loss of home, and finally disability. I was dealing with some serious health issues in regards to my in-laws and spent many years as partial caregiver with my partner for them until I could no longer take the abuse they dished out. And every bit of the way I was fueled by narcotic meds. Each day, each week, each month, my osteoarthritis became worse and worse until I had to finally withdraw my help of others and concentrate on my own health.
I grew resentful and angry of many things and that anger was spewed in ways that I’m ashamed of. My anger grew out of control and sadly has negatively affected my partner of 13 yrs. I am lucky to have him. Most men would have thrown me out a long time ago. He doesn’t know that my anger is from the meds I’m on. He just thinks I’m this awful, out of control person, but this person he sees is the result of the medication and not who I really am. My heart aches when I think of all he’s endured, because he’s a really good person who deserves better. I still haven’t found a way to tell him of my difficulties with this medication.
I feel horrendous guilt from my angry words and actions while trying to deal with life experiences on this medication. I see how my words and actions affect him so much. He deserves so much better than I have dished out over the years. He deserves to know the truth.
The guilt then turns to depression and a a few more pills helps me to deal with that……to sweep it under the rug along with everything else.
My out of control behavior has caused my partner to pull away from me emotionally and physically. The pain of that just causes me to deal with it by popping a couple more pills. They have become the main source of avoidance in all things regarding the dysfunctions of my relationship with my partner. I cannot however, let him off the hook completely, because he comes with his own bag of dysfunctions that he refuses to own or work on, but that is his business and I cannot control what he does or doesn’t do. I wish I had realized that sooner instead of trying to orchestrate his life for so long, but it is what it is now and I can’t go back and change things. I can only move forward.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Aems, I can sooo relate.
My husband and I aren't living the immediate, wonderful life I was hoping would happen when I quit. It brought out a lot of really raw emotions and hurt. Mutual feelings of neglect, lost 'dreams', and growing apart. We had issues before the drugs, but then I got sick and he was amazing. Like the perfect person. Well, instead of me recovering and going on with life, I spiraled in to the pills. How unfair for him. When I finally told him, and he saw my enormous collection of pill bottles, I think he was almost relieved (I kept all the bottles because I didn't want any to accidentally be found in the trash).
We are still on shaky terms. We have two children and an amazing life. But it's like we have two separate lives. Oh and I was so mean on pills. I would snap and find faults in everything. Then like you said, take more. My husband really should go to an anon meeting but he won't. We are just "pretending like this never happened." Ugh.
Thank you for sharing!
My husband and I aren't living the immediate, wonderful life I was hoping would happen when I quit. It brought out a lot of really raw emotions and hurt. Mutual feelings of neglect, lost 'dreams', and growing apart. We had issues before the drugs, but then I got sick and he was amazing. Like the perfect person. Well, instead of me recovering and going on with life, I spiraled in to the pills. How unfair for him. When I finally told him, and he saw my enormous collection of pill bottles, I think he was almost relieved (I kept all the bottles because I didn't want any to accidentally be found in the trash).
We are still on shaky terms. We have two children and an amazing life. But it's like we have two separate lives. Oh and I was so mean on pills. I would snap and find faults in everything. Then like you said, take more. My husband really should go to an anon meeting but he won't. We are just "pretending like this never happened." Ugh.
Thank you for sharing!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 218
Thanks for sharing fancyfee. It's always good to hear someone elses experiences when they mirror your own.
Up and down, up and down, that's how my taper has been going. There is always a reasonn to take more pills than my scheduled taper calls for. I feel like my body is dying from the poison of this medication. It revolts when I don't get it now, even in the smallest amounts. Will not go cold turkey, just won't do it so will keep plugging along until this gets better, and hopefully it will. If only I could just have a full month of nothing......no stress, no business, no worries, no nothing. A month to sit under the canopy of the trees, by the stream in the forest somewhere and just commune with nature for a while. I'm so tired of the chaos of life. I just want things to be simple and low key for a while. I want to just stop and rearrange my life, stop being who I've been and create an alternative persona or something. I want to run away from me, or perhaps it's just that I want to find the real me. I don't know, I just know that I am tired of who I've become and in this moment I don't like me very much and wish I was someone else. One day at a time right. Hang in there.
Up and down, up and down, that's how my taper has been going. There is always a reasonn to take more pills than my scheduled taper calls for. I feel like my body is dying from the poison of this medication. It revolts when I don't get it now, even in the smallest amounts. Will not go cold turkey, just won't do it so will keep plugging along until this gets better, and hopefully it will. If only I could just have a full month of nothing......no stress, no business, no worries, no nothing. A month to sit under the canopy of the trees, by the stream in the forest somewhere and just commune with nature for a while. I'm so tired of the chaos of life. I just want things to be simple and low key for a while. I want to just stop and rearrange my life, stop being who I've been and create an alternative persona or something. I want to run away from me, or perhaps it's just that I want to find the real me. I don't know, I just know that I am tired of who I've become and in this moment I don't like me very much and wish I was someone else. One day at a time right. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 218
Some mornings my pain is worse than others. All the spinal vertabae shift at night when I sleep making mornings my worst time of day. Ugh. I'm two days on schedule with the taper.
Am facing a busy next three days as the moving from one to place to another to downsize continues. Been doing this for almost eight weeks now. Been fixing up a smaller mobile home in an attempt to downsize my life. Bought a little fixer upper and have been working to make it nice and homey with my partner since the first week of July.
I become frustrated by my body's limitations with this house project and have taken meds just to help me do more than my body can handle naturally. But then it takes me so long to get back on track again when I do that. I'm getting too old to be living like this. I need to get this right this time.
I often wonder what my health will be like when I get off these meds. I wonder what the ten plus years that I've been taking this, has done to my body.
I feel so sad for addicts everywhere. Opiates and Narcotics are like the devil drugs. Once they get their grasp on you it's hell to get off of them and stay off. I hope that future generations can figure out a better way to fight pain so that the innocents who take this medication don't have to be accidentally swept up in the hurricane of it's use. Even those who have never had a problem with substance abuse tend to find it difficult to break the grasp of these drugs once put on them for legitimate purposes. My heart cries for them most.
Am facing a busy next three days as the moving from one to place to another to downsize continues. Been doing this for almost eight weeks now. Been fixing up a smaller mobile home in an attempt to downsize my life. Bought a little fixer upper and have been working to make it nice and homey with my partner since the first week of July.
I become frustrated by my body's limitations with this house project and have taken meds just to help me do more than my body can handle naturally. But then it takes me so long to get back on track again when I do that. I'm getting too old to be living like this. I need to get this right this time.
I often wonder what my health will be like when I get off these meds. I wonder what the ten plus years that I've been taking this, has done to my body.
I feel so sad for addicts everywhere. Opiates and Narcotics are like the devil drugs. Once they get their grasp on you it's hell to get off of them and stay off. I hope that future generations can figure out a better way to fight pain so that the innocents who take this medication don't have to be accidentally swept up in the hurricane of it's use. Even those who have never had a problem with substance abuse tend to find it difficult to break the grasp of these drugs once put on them for legitimate purposes. My heart cries for them most.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 218
Wow can't believe it's been four years since I was last here and made an entry. Just a short update. I'm still not off the pills. I was for a short while....about 60 days earlier this year but then I suffered from overwork and terrible terrible sciatic pain for two months and after that I began another taper. Right now I am down to 1 1/2 tablets of 5mg hydrocodone a day divided into half tablet doses just to keep the withdrawals at bay. I am tapering 1/4 tablet a week and trying to keep my activity level low so I don't burn out and feel the need to take an other pill. Depression and energy seems to be the worst at this time. Not much neuropathy or leg aches and no nausea or anything else, so am grateful for that. Figured I'd better get my butt back here and get some support.
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