tsukiko

While back now, I was really down. So down speaking seemed pointless. So down, I scored, booked a motel and fixed up a shot I was sure would kill me. If the gear hadn’t been **** it would have….five times over. I ODed, but I survived.

Anyway, the mate who’d hooked me up kept calling after that. Until I was using half a gram to a gram a day. And not the rubbish I got that first night.

It’s amazing how quickly everything disappears – I’d never use again, never re-use a pin, never lie, never lend money, never share works, never stick another person, never…never…never. Yet again.

I got some weed, valium etc and five days of mild wds and a blown vein after nodding out with the pin still in, I’m six days off now.

Last night my mate turns up at the door when I ignored her calls. There was half a g if I’d sort it, and sort her. I knew if I went then I wasn’t coming home – not tonight, not tomorrow, maybe not all week…or longer.

I stayed in. Another sleepless, stoned night, blaring bs zen meditation music out and trying to block out the growing halo appearing around the curtain edges.

Same story today. But will I use again? I’m undecided. Might not be the right thing to say, but it’s the only true thing; and I might not know what I do want, but I do know what I don't want; I don't want to lie anymore.

Truth is, I wasn’t going to say anything, but then I posted on someone’s thread earlier and have posted a few times and feel like a fraud.

Not asking for sympathy (God forbid) or even advice, really. Just wanna’ be honest. And that’s it, all I’ve got right now.

Dee74

I appreciate your honesty - keeping secrets does noone any good


I remember very clearly seeing I had two roads to travel - the familiar road back to the usual...or the new road, uncertain and pretty much untrodden, that just might lead me out of Craptown.

I really hope you pick the right road Tsu

D

DylanS

Hey Tsu,

Sometimes all we can do is bear witness to a struggle. I appreciate you showing up here, and I think most of us know it's not easy.

You're not a fraud - you're a human being, reaching out, sharing your struggle. You're not alone.

-D

tsukiko

Think Robert Frost once mentioned something similar Thanks for listening Dee.

Dylan too, thanks, man.

bigsombrero

Yep, Robert frost's poem is magic. Since you mentioned it maybe it'll help to take 2 minutes and read it:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


As for advice, I think you have to start listening to yourself. You are asking yourself some pretty serious questions for a reason. The real you, the sensible you, the smart and brilliant you - that person wants to get out of this. You're clear-headed enough to see that, and you seem smart enough to know it. Now believe it. Believe in yourself for a change, and give yourself a break.

You might be scared to see what you find when the dust settles - it has become the road less traveled. It made all the difference, though, to many of us.

tsukiko

Considering I wasn’t asking for advice, those are some pretty big words, Big. Thank you.

I’ve a huge question to answer and, truthfully, I’ve known it (I put the choice there) since I used the avrt model to sober up last year. I pledged to not drink and since have had no desire. Sneaky little **** I am, I did not pledge never to use again. I either make that pledge (and live it) or I don’t (and live very differently).

So, why (when I believe in AVRT) don’t I just make that pledge?

Honestly? Fear. Taking that road means facing what’s always been there (why not throw in a nod to Larkin, huh). Increasingly, seems ‘mental illness’ is down one road and heroin is down the other, and both converge eventually anyway…

I’m not in the habit of making suicide attempts. It wasn’t a cry for help. It was supposed to be a full stop.

Funny, I used to smoke a lil’ of my gear to avoid ODing, now I keep thinking if I’d smoked a lil’ first, I coulda’ had my full stop.

*Deep Breath*

Huge questions…aye.

bigsombrero

Sorry, read your original post incorrectly on the advice thing , somehow thought you said otherwise but reading again i was wrong.

tsukiko

Pretty powerful reply, to have misread what I put. Still stands, nonetheless. What was it you think y'misread?

bigsombrero

"Not asking for sympathy (God forbid) or even advice, really."

My brain read:

"Not asking for sympathy (God forbid) only advice, really."

FMTT

Good luck Tsu. Nothing truly good in this world is ever easy. "No one gets to their heaven without a fight" either since we're quoting great authors here.

tsukiko

Big - doesn't mean I don't appreciate advice when someone takes the time to offer it.

FMTT - thanks, that's a Rush lyric, right?

FMTT

Good eye and good taste Tsu. Yes, it's Rush alright. Specifically, Armor and Sword from Snakes and Arrows. In fact, I never thought of it before but the last few verses of that song speaks to my long standing struggle with various mind-altering substances:

"Sometimes the damage is too great
Or the will is too weak
What should have been our armor
Becomes a sharp and burning sword"

I used alcohol and CDS my whole life to mask painful emotions or just to feel "better". The dope armor ended up a sharp and painful sword.

tsukiko

Cheers again fmtt.

Used again for a couple of days. 3rd day of not using. Again. And again, had no undying urge to use, was just too easy and a while back now I lost that sort of capability to feel shock or much of anything that would normally kick in and scream at me to 'walk away'.

Feel like a paraplegic right now that's letting their legs get chewed off by dogs 'cause they figure 'hey, I can't feel it so why bother trying to fight it', even though I know in the long term the damage will spread to the rest of me. Not sure if that makes any sense, but that's how I feel.

Speaking of swords, sort of a double edged one - got pissed off at not being able to feel, but simultaneously now I'm scared of feeling even if I could because I know what a **** I'm being.

Bleh. Gonna' have to do something, huh..

RobbyRobot

Yeah, looks like you're done either way of that double-edge, tsu. I'm thinking what a great place to be when contemplating choices, speaking from my own experiences. Having a sense of finality speaks for itself, I guess.

Kudos on being straight up and true, tsu.

mkintexas

Dude. I get you. I may not be on your DOC but these demons have me by the short and curly's. I have every tool I can want. What I don't have is that strong desire to change my life and that for the life of me I can not understand. I have so many positives in my life yet I don't want to flush my little blue friends down the sh*tter.

I could throw some bs out like "let's beat this sh** together". But I am learning that all the support in the world doesn't change the fact that this is a lonely and individual battle. The cheerleading helps while you heal. But, has not helped me start wanting to heal.

Dee74

when I was drinking I was King Cynic and would have said that was bs too - but I've seen miracles happen here in this community mkintexas

I'm rooting for you too, Tsu (no poetry intended)

you can do this - I know

D

FMTT

The one thing I acutely remember from my 10 year bender with opiates was the gradual ebb of emotions. It starts very slowly but towards the end I was painfully aware of the fact that I had become a freaking zombie. Barren of any feelings for anything. I truly felt like I was just going through the motions with my life and waiting to die. I wasn't bummed out about it either. It was what it was to me back then.

It wasn't until I finally ditched the dope that I realized what I'd been missing all along. Like I said, it happens so gradually that one doesn't realize how profoundly their interactions with the world around them are stifled. I'm talking everything from sex to old rewarding hobbies is desirable again. Hell, I even cry at corn pone on TV sometimes nowadays which kind of sucks but it's neat to have feelings back.

Hey mkintexas, good luck with the blue devils. The insidious thing about any addiction is how it gives less and less over time while it progressively takes more and more from us while also convincing us that the status quo is acceptable. The devils greatest trick is convincing people that he doesn't exist. Those of us who have lived to pull our head from the dragons mouth know all too well that the worst hell on earth can be the one that we create for ourselves.

tsukiko

Hey Robby. You're right, you always are (smart arse ). Cheers, as always, fella’. PS, another thing...you always get in there with the ‘you rock’ emoticon before me, so I’’ll just say it instead…you rock, Robby.

Mkintexas – in a deviation from my usual 'strictly no bs' policy...sounds like it's time for some ‘bs’ like, 'what’s up, dude, we can get through our bs junkiedom together' . Seriously though, get what y’saying (can sure seem that way), but agree with Dee on this one. D'know how many times you've been round this block either MK, but I also agree with FMTT - if y'ain't already experienced life clean and sober it's as crazy and vivid and emotive and bizarre as any drug. One hell of a come down, sure, lol, but when has that ever stopped any of us? Still well worth the ride...if only once, huh

And thinking ‘bout what you posted, MK, it’s weird – I can see perfectly straight (and feel) when I hear / see someone else express a similar situation to mine and I wanna’ kick their arse into realising a great life or otherwise, using will only make it worse long term…but right now when it comes to doing the same for myself...

FMTT – Feeling (or not feeling) lead me to use again; that was there already, and bad enough to have me try top myself.

It's like, I know how awesome (truly) the world can be, just, this voice goes 'yeah, and that'll all be there even when / if you're not...' and I can't see any of it as a reason to be clean or even breathe so much right now. Not crying into my pillow or screaming out in agony, just being careless and reckless and impulsive... Its always the numbness that sometimes comes after the highs and lows that gets me.


No truer words.