MindMyMind

Hello there,

I'm 17 years old. I have had a lot of mental issues (depression, anxiety, diagnosed with bipolar disorder, then they changed their mind, etc.) over the years, mainly struggling with depression (and self-injury, low self-esteem, etc.)

I used to have interests and hobbies. I like programming (got started at 10 years old), biking (used to bike 23 miles 3/4 days a week), and hanging out with my old friends.

I've gotten older, and the depression has loosened up somewhat, but I start to look at what I've done with my life over the past few years and it makes me feel pretty ******. I skipped so much class, went to the psych hospital 5 times, and some other ****, that ended up making my GPA a 3.15 when I could've done much better with just a little effort. I was too happy to just smoke weed and not do much else (perhaps with friends, perhaps alone at home) to worry about anything: getting a job, getting good grades, applying for colleges.

Now I'm paying the price. I'm working at an ice cream shop, hoping I'll be able to make enough money to move out of my house and into an apartment by September, but I bought an eighth about a week ago, and then bought a quarter of weed today, so I spent like $120 of the $1,500 I was trying to save.

I also bought some MDMA, speed, and acid. The speed I know I was addicted to and I flushed and am staying off. I managed to wait 3 weeks in between doses of MDMA, so I'm not too worry about that. And I haven't done the acid yet, but I've done 2C-E and I'm not a huge fan of real psychedelics, so I'm not terribly afraid about that. I'm really interested in drugs, and trying them, but I also am afraid of drugs consuming my life.

Now I'm trying to decide whether I need to give up weed, or even worse, all drugs. I don't really want to quit, but I also do. All my friends now are major stoners... all the close ones that I get along with anyways. I have some friends who aren't, but it's awkward and weird to hang out with them, and I suck at social situations. I'm a little awkward in situations I'm not used to, and still have a bit of social anxiety from when I was young. I can hang out with people but it's weird for me, and I feel uncomfortable.

I really think weed is the only drug that really takes over my life like this, and I don't know how it happens. I will sometimes decide just to smoke a bowl, and before I know it, I'm high and it's time to go to work. Or deal with my parents. Or do homework. And I end up doing it and functioning, but it's really unpleasant. I don't know why I keep smoking more and more. It seems like it's the only thing I do with my free time now.

But I also don't want to spend the rest of my life, living in an apartment alone by myself, just smoking weed all day to get by...

I have no clue what I'm doing with my life...

Dee74

I was you at 17.

^ That was me 20 years later.

It ruined my life and my friends lives too.

The earlier you can stop the cycle, the better.

D

MindMyMind

And to add a little bit, about a month and a half ago, I quit doing any drugs for about a month (I had been smoking weed or drinking almost every night before bed... plus I had done speed every day for two weeks) because my therapist told my mother that he thought I might be becoming a drug addict (I no longer see him) and I was afraid she'd drug test me.

The month was actually really nice, a lot of my depression dissipated, I felt like I was doing something with my life (I got a job, was seeing some new friends), but then it got old, and fears came back (why didn't I go to college instead of just getting this job? will I even make enough money here to live? I'm getting bored of these friends, should I hang out with my stoner friends?) and I started smoking weed "just whenever someone else has it", then I bought the eighth. Then I said when I ran out, I wouldn't buy anymore. Then I bought the quarter...

pawsgal

Just my opinion, but those other drugs sound like they'd be more likely to kill you. However, I have to say that marijuana was the most miserable addiction I'd ever had (until the booze.) Running out, looking for more, being stoned and lazy all the time, spending money on pot, etc. It really was a lousy lifestyle from what I remember, as I was hooked on that stuff in my teenage years too.

MindMyMind

I know that. Most of those drugs are pretty safe. But I don't have issues controlling them for the most part (except stimulants)... just weed. And it's like I spend all my money on it and don't do anything constructive. That's what really bugs me about it.

Admiral

Weed has always been my drug of choice too, I started using it around the same age as you and I'm 26 now. I found that life is a lot more complex than I believed it to be when I was your age. It's never too late to start college, why not apply and continue to work at the ice cream place on the side? A lot of people do that, myself included.

In my experience, when you use drugs you narrow life down to a very limited scope of options. When you're sober you get to experience everything.

FatallyUncool

Pot was my drug of choice, too. It didn't kill me, land me in the gutter, ever get me fired or arrested, or lead to me getting hooked on other drugs. What it did eventually do is make me depressed, anti-social, shameful, and lie and steal from friends and family.

And it enabled and numbed me to the fact that I was completely underachieving, living in a rut for about 20 years with no dreams, relationships, career advancement, money, future, or hope.