Marcusfresh03

Good morning to everyone.
I came here hopefully seeking some advice from others who have been in my shoes before. I'll give a short history so I make sense.

I've been doing drugs since before high school. Started with smoking weed and drinking. Then in high school myself and my group of friends starting taking large doses of cough medicine to get high. It didn't take long to notice that although we were ALL messed up all the time, that I took the most. I mean lethal amounts. At times up to 64 pills in a day - though not often. I eventually kicked that habit and by the time I was out of high school, I discovered norco, oxycontin, xanax, valium and all those goodies. I did and still do have a back problem that progressively gets worse. But forward 6 years or so to last year. A doctor put me in 180/month script of norco. And this was not long after I went through a couple year phase of buying oxy from a guy and snorting them. So of course, although I needed the norco for legit pain, they obviously didn't touch my desired high or pain relief. I'd take 180 in 10 days sometimes. Eating almost 20 at a time and capping off at 30 for the day. Well, last May I ran out of my script and decided to go to urgent care because I was in the worst pain I ever felt. I now know it was just magnified because the beginning stages of withdrawals. But anyway, the doctor gave me Tramadol. Well I had a bad seizure from taking too much Transfer and because it was mixed with other medications I was taking that apparently had interactions.

So I got off the opiates for a couple of months with the help of an opiate-like herbal supplement from tobacco shops and head shops, called KRATOM. To me, this was a life saver. Great pain killer, elevated my mood, gave me energy, and just an over all feeling of well being. Well little did I know, these, aside from being expensive as hell, were also addicting. So I battled for following months with switching between norco and Kratom when I couldn't afford to buy the pills. Hid it from my family. Well I'm having a REALLY hard time keeping the craving at bay. I went so far as to take cash out of my 2 year old sons piggy bank. This is how I know I have a problem. I can go a couple of days keeping that voice quiet and going about my day sober, but after a few days, that quiet voice is like a megaphone. I don't even physically crave the drugs, I crave the happiness, drive and energy to just get through life. My fiancee doesn't quite understand, as I wouldn't expect her to. Nobody knows what we go through until they've been there.

So I guess I'm looking for just some support, maybe a little advice, and just words from somebody who's been here.

Sorry for the length, and thanks for your time if you read it all and have something to contribute =)

-Marc

Impurrfect

((Marc)) - Welcome to SR! I'm running late for my volunteer job, but will be back soon. Let's just say, most of us can personally identify with you. What helped me, a lot, when I first got here, was to read through the site (mostly here and newcomer's forums) and found out I wasn't alone...you aren't either.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

SNST

Marcus! Thanks for sharing your story. A lot of what you said sure hit home with me. If you can go 2 days without a pill you are better than I was. But Im on day 20, feel much better than I did but still have the craving for the energy, the "happy" feeling etc..Its not worth it though, Ive lost everything to pills, its a no win situation, you keep getting deeper & deeper. I hit rock bottom & still kept digging! There is a ton of support here on SR, if I hadnt stumbled upon it I would still be using, so like Impurrfect said keep coming here reading at least, you will see you are NOT alone

tjhook

Hey Marcus,
I know the feeling of switching opiates and wd's and all of that. I used to take an insane amount of pills and when I ran out would use suboxone. Also I abused alcohol and benzos. I lost everything because of pills and am now dealing with pending jail time, being flat broke, and having to accept what I have done to myself.

Do what you need to get off the pills, don't go where I have gone and end up in my situation. I know it is hard...but it just gets worse and worse until it completely consumes you and leaves you in the gutter.

You can do it.

Marcusfresh03

Thank you all sooo much for the responses. That is what makes me feel so weak. Is that I can get by for however long, but as soon as I have money out have a "legitimate" excuse for where I'm spending the money, I go out and get the pills or Kratom. I often wonder if something else is wrong with me because I begin to think "what kind of monster lies to peoples faces-whom he loves the most." And just recently when my fiancee was crying saying how sad she is that our 2 year old can't even be a normal child with a piggy bank who can get excited about how much he's saving. Things like that make wonder if there are other issues I'm dealing with, or if that is just the nature of substance abuse. I'm scared that sobriety isn't going to be fulfilling enough. I'm scared to be a failure as a father.

Between my fiancee and myself we make sure our son has everything he needs (and some extra lol), and I can confidently say that I'm a great dad as far as caring for him, but he's only 2. I'm just tired of being a liar and a thief. Because that's not who I am. Anyway, I appreciate your responses and the opportunity to vent.

=)

liv1ce

Can't say as to other issues but can say that what you are experiencing is very common on this site and adds up to addiction. The cravings Will NOT STOP until you stop giving in to them. It is a process of demand and supply. You are withdrawing. You brain and chemistry has been deluded, beaten, drowned into thinking this is wrong. If you were trapped in the desert your body would be screaming for water. If you were starving the desire for food would be intolerable. Where's the difference.

Stop taking drugs and you will begin to feel better physically and start feeling better about yourself.

Impurrfect

((Marcus)) - "Thanks" to addiction, I did a LOT of things I would never even think of, otherwise. The one thing I can promise you is if you continue to use, it will get worse.

The good news is, recovery is entirely possible and there are lots of us who are living proof.

I've heard opiate withdrawal is tough, but you can get through it and will never have to go through it again. If you are still using xanax or any other benzo, though, I highly suggest you go to a dr. rather than just stopping them.

In fact, talking to a dr. and being honest is a good thing. Mine knows all about my addiction history she's been great. There are times I've had really bad back pain from an old ruptured disc but we worked out a "plan" and not that I ever ask, I'd never be given whatever I ask for.

Keep reading and posting. It really does help

Hugs and prayers,

Amy