cleaninalabama

Well, last March i told myself i was finally going to quit using. I feel like i put in some work and did pretty well for a few months until slowly but surely i began to use again. It started slowly on the weekends and then crept fully back into my life and i am now using more than i ever have. I have been taking between 240mg and 300mg of oxy a day for the past few months. I tell myself everyday that i am going to quit but before i know it i'm at the atm getting money for my fix. I don't think i have ever said it, but it is clear that i am an addict and have been for a long time. I can remember being in middle school and smoking grass and then in high school getting drunk every weekend. In college it was alcohol and cocaine and then in law school it was the same.

My last year of law school is when i found my love for opiates. A friend of mine had a few and the first time that it hit me i was in love. I didn't become addicted because i had no real source to get them. Then when i moved home to study for the bar, my grandmother had more pain medicine than she could ever take. I started taking a hydro or two a day and we all know where that leads. I stayed pretty tame on the hydros for several years. If i had my way, i would take them everyday but if i didn't have them i was ok. maybe a little grumpy and tired, but ok. That all changed about a year and a half ago when i found easy access to oxy 30s. Wow. Those guys were like a whole different ballgame. I could take half of one of those and go for ever. Well, a half turned into more and now i have been taking 8-10 of them a day. I have never shot up and only snorted them a couple of times. I just pop one in my mouth as soon as i wake up and then whenever i feel like it for the rest of the day. I don't do anything without getting high. I would even take them before i would run. Hell, the last marathon i ran i was using both before and during the race. Anyway, sorry for the rant, but i realize that it is time for this to stop. The support i received on here last time was invaluable so i am selfishly back for more support.

kthopkt

I am a runner; just ran my first marathon in October. I can't believe you were high running it!? Oxycontin is a central nervous system depressant; you couldn't have died!!!

I am glad you are reaching out for support & I believe that is a good sign. Have you thought about going into a detox program and/or rehab?

You are going to need all the support you can get, please don't be afraid to look for help.

FYI: My mother passed away 3 years ago. She had 10 80mg oxy's in heart stomach. You addiction will continue to get worse, just like hers & I don't have to tell you what the consequences will be.

Best of luck!

cleaninalabama

yeah, pretty crazy to think back on that. it's amazing just how serious that stuff can get its hooks in you. I have a few pills left. i am well aware that i cannot taper so i suppose i am just going to finish what i have off (maybe enough to last through today) and start on the road to sobriety tomorrow.

doggonecarl

If your plan is to quit, toss them and quit. The illusion that "tomorrow" is day one is addiction working its charm.

eveleivibe

Welcome to SR. Everyone is supportive here.

You say you realise now that its time to stop. Do you WANT to stop n why do you want to stop? I don't think you can give up until you have answered those.

I can relate to you in that i too do exercise as well.
I can't help you quit as I have not quit codeine but if you need anyone to talk to you're more than welcome to E-mail (pm) me.

I an sure that others will be around soon to best advise you. Some have quit straight (cold turkey) while some have weaned (taper). You can read through threads on the substance misuse forum n the success stories where ppl have quit for at least a year. There's some very inspirational stories there which may help encourage you.

A good piece of advice would be to journal your story here for support n to help you have something to look back on if you ever think of going back / have cravings.

Good luck
Evey

eveleivibe

So very sorry about your mam. I cannot imagine how hard that's been for you. I know you said it was three years ago but still My thoughts are with you.
Evey.

bigsombrero

I hate to jump on the tough love bandwagon here, but I am going to. When you say you have enough to get through tomorrow, you are demonstrating that your next steps are focused around using, not quitting. In my experience, tapering, cutting down, etc, are words we throw around when we are not quite ready to commit full time.

However, the fact that you are here is awesome. You know there's a problem, and you are exploring help. All I can say is that's a great start. Please stay focused on that goal! I know there can be medical issues when dropping off addictive medication and alcohol, so remember that speaking with your doctor about this kind of thing is also something you might want to explore.

Best of luck, keep reading and I hope you find a reply that sticks with you and brings you closer to long-term sobriety.

eveleivibe

You are not selfish for coming back for support. However, in my opinion, I would stay to support others n 'give something back' once you are sorted. After all if everyone left once 'in recovery,' who would be here to support you while going through this???? Something to think about!

cleaninalabama

thank you to everyone. all very valid points. i tell myself i am ready to quit but my body tells me that it is not ready to quit. I know which one i need to listen to but i know that i will use what i have. i do not have the will power to flush them but maybe i will have the will power to not buy any tomorrow. that is all i can hope for right now. it is sad to think that a pill can have this much control over my life.

Ensure

It has been a long, long time since I posted on this board. In fact, I had to create a new account! But I did it for you cleaninalabama. I, too, am an attorney. I am also a recovering opiate addict (oxycodone was my drug of choice). I used to get my fix from my mother. My mother saw the stress I was always under and voluntarily offered me her meds. She thought she was helping me. What she was doing was enabling me. I have been clean for two years.

For me, it was a battle. I mean a real f@*^ing battle. The good thing is the "real" battle lasted just shy of two weeks. I did not do NA/AA, but I did use this board. If there is one thing I want you to now it is that the grass is greener on the other side. I know you may not be able to see it right now, but it is true. You will be a healthier, wiser and stronger person by going through recovery. You will also gain an insight into the world that you did not have previously. This insight will allow you to deal with the world on your terms, and not on the world's terms. You cannot get this insight unless you have battled opiates. Those that have successfully battled opiates tend to have a sernity about them because they have looked the dragon in the face and are no longer afraid. And, they also know that the opiate battle is worse than life's battles.

I started using because of stress. I had motions to write, court appearances to make and all the other stresses the practice of law piles on you. Using made me feel like I could conquer anything. It gave me energy, stamina and confidence. Boy, I needed the confidence. But, I quickly built up tolerances and started using higher and higher doses. Pretty soon, I needed my opiate fix just to get up in the morning and to go to work. I was addicted.

I tried stopping many times. Each time I couldn't make it through the acute stage. The power of opiates is like a siren; always calling you to come back. I spent four years as an enlisted Marine in the USMC. I thought I could handle anything. I mean, I made it through the Marine Corp., college and law school. Sh*t, I thought I could conquer anything as long as I put my mind to it. Not so with opiates. They consume you. But they cannot take away your will to survive. Don't get me wrong, they can kill you, but with help you can take back your life and get out of this vicious cycle.

We can always make excuses to continue taking opiates. There are so many stresses involved in our profession that it is easy to justify taking a pill to help you feel more relaxed in court, etc. But it is a false security. You will think clearer and have more confidence in yourself and your abilities if you can get on the recovery path. It may sound strange right now because the pills give you confidence, but it is a temporary and false sensation. You deserve to live the life you want to live and not the life the drugs make you live!

bigsombrero

You said you have "easy access" to this drug and "buy" it. Do you have a prescription? Is that situation standing in your way of finding help at all?

eveleivibe

If you have pills on you, you will not quit n don't want to quit. I understand you are not ready to throw the pills but if you really want this ask someone else to look after them for you until you are ready to chuck. If pills are around you during the withdrawals you will take them.

cleaninalabama

Thanks ensure. I really appreciate your response.

cleaninalabama

Well, i'm not off to a good start. I lasted until about 9:30 this morning before i decided that i would buy $300 worth of pills. I knew it was completely wrong and i did it anyway. I wasn't even feeling too bad yet. I don't really know what to do. I guess i just try again.

doggonecarl

Supervised detox. Where you have no access to pills.

And before you say there's no way, you can't...

You can. Expend as much effort getting clean as you expend on your addiction and you might have a chance.

Ensure

It is not easy. I know. If it was easy there would be no need for this forum, support groups, doctors, meds, etc. Addiction is a disease. Diseases consume us and try to kill us. We cannot wish our diseases away. The reason this forum exists is that there are thousands of us in all different stages of this disease. In this forum we seek to share our experiences with others, without preaching, so others will see they are not alone in battling this disease. Hopefully, our stories, our struggles, our pains will rub off on others and help them through recovery.

Opiate addiction is personal to me. My addiction did not ruin my life or cause me financial difficulties. Opiate addiction caused me a much greater pain. My source of pills was my mother. This woman raised me as a single mother with two other siblings. She worked two, and sometimes three jobs, to put food on our table. I remember every Christmas she would say, "I'm sorry I couldn't get you what you wanted." She inspired me to join the Marines, go to college and eventually law school. I would have gladly walked down the stairways to hell and fought Satan than give up my relationship with my mother. But it couldn't be helped; I had to cut my ties with my mother. I had to cut off my supplier. I cannot express how depressed this made be feel.

There is a good side to this story, however. Just before Christmas this past year, I worked up the courage to tell my mother why I have stayed away from her for nearly two years. She thought I was mad at her. We had a very good talk. When I told her I was addicted to her opiates she was surprised. She told me she would never ask or offer me her pills again. She said that she would never use her pills in front of me again, etc. She has a very good reason to be using opiates, I do not.

There are some that may say, "Well, this just isn't your time." Don't listen to those voices. While slaying the dragon is not easy, it can be done. And, after you have slain the dragon you will have a serenity and confidence about you that you never expected to have before. This serenity and confidence comes from having gone through the crucible of opiate withdrawals and survived. I wish you the best!

cleaninalabama

Well, here i am, more than 24 hours sine my last pill. I tool 2 30 mg pills yesterday morning and that is it. I didn't feel terrible yesterday and was able to sleep pretty well last night but i have absolutely zero energy today. I've come off pills before so i have a good idea of what to expect but i have never come off this size habit so i am afraid. At any rate, i decided to kick the pills and make my dash for sobriety now. Wish me luck. If anyone else is going through something similar i wish them the very best.

Ensure

Just remember that the pain from withdrawals will pass. I know it is easier said than done, but it is true, it will pass. Where I used to fail, and I would guess most others as well, is during the acute stage (the first 3-6 days). You can do this. Take as many imodiums as you need. Also, I took DLPA. The DLPA really helped me stop the mind-games. Exercise. You can do this. Spend hours reading through this forum. Anything to help you take your mind off of the withdrawal symptoms.

Lyoness

Hi alabama! I just wanted to wish you luck and say I support you in getting off the oxy! I'm coming off of a very bad oxy addiction, too. I got up to 500mg day and was snorting and injecting it. I thought I could never quit but knew I had to to save my life. I did a lot of research and thinking about it and decided to go on suboxone so that is the route of I've chosen. I've been on suboxone for three months and have been doing outpatient counseling as well as coming on SR. I don't get here as often as I'd like but SR is a lifesaver and I encourage you to spend as much time as you need here. There is so much support, wisdom and information here! Together we'll get off these demon drugs and make it into recovery. Take care!

cleaninalabama

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster. Definitely more time off of pills than on but i did slip up on tuesday and bought 4 30s. However, i have not used since tuesday night so i'm looking at 36 hours or so right now. Honestly, i have felt worse but i have certainly felt better. For me, hours 48-72 always seem to be the worst so i am trying to do whatever i can today in fear that i won't be able to tomorrow. Thanks for all the support, just thought i would stop by and drop a quick update.