eveleivibe

Ewww i just had this strange moment where i felt kind of dizzy n not in this demention n a bit cold n shaky. I don't understand because I've hardly had any codeine today as I've been wrapping presents, sticking tags on rtc but I really didn't like it at all
Has anyone else had this?

Windancer

Hi,
My DOC is alcohol, not codeine but maybe it could be your body trying to get rid of the drugs? If in doubt or if it persists see your doctor! Oh, and try drink lots of water and make sure you eat....even if it is little and often if you have no appetite.

eveleivibe

I need to stop this don't I. This is God telling me to stop.

Windancer

Yes you do! And you CAN do it, no matter how awful it feels or how difficult you think it may be. It is possible...it has been done before .
When I ended up in the hospital twice that was whe I finally knew I had to change my life and get things under control (stop drinking)....
Be strong

eveleivibe

Warning a winging post coming...

I know i need to stop but i need it to feel happy n content.
I know i'm a selfish cow i don't want to die but i don't to live my life as i was doing - lonely, empty, guilty, angry.

I know it sounds trivial but last christmas i was going to go on a night out for the first time in 18 months. I was overly excited. The person cancelled it n i was devastated, even felt suicidal. I know it sounds silly but it was an indication that life's always going to be this way--- rejected by everyone n alone.

When I'm around ppl I'm happy but when I'm alone its gets me down seeing all old friends going for holidays, nights out etc

I understand as a parent the child comes first but knowing I'm no longer meant to matter gets me down.

I can't go back to that i just can't. I know it sounds trivial n im going to grt ripped apart because I'm scared to quit the 1 thing that has made everything right again.

My brother n his family are going to America Disney world n I can be happy for them, I can be happy for partners n ppl going for nights out n coffee with each other n not feel alone, resentful angry.

Then when i visit my family on a Sunday i feel guilty because everything seems good n i wonder how i felt bad. I know I was wrong for feeling sorry for myself n thats another reason I took codeine to feel better n take all those selfish feelings away.

Please don't rip me apart or go on about how it will kill me I know all this if i wasn't bothered I never would have come here.

Sorry for long vent n thanks for listening. I'm here if anyone needs to talk about anything xoxo

eveleivibe

Thanks for responding to me. It means a lot
Hope you're doing ok

eveleivibe

I best try cutting down. I've been so bloody stupid.

Windancer

Dont call yourself stupid! If that was true then everyone here is also stupid (which I KNOW is not the case).
I totally understand the overwhelming and conflicting feelings you have as Ive had them myself. You are not the only one and you arent alone.
And let yourself come on this site and post these things! That is what it is here for. I hate feeling alone too....its a big trigger for me.
Just remember that YOU CAN do this, turn it all around, and this one day can be just a fading bad memory. Just dont forget the important things you learn about yourself and life along the way....

lagataloca

Evie,

You really need to see a personal councilor, someone who specializes in depression, and improving feelings of self-esteem. You are not crazy, you just need to learn some better coping skills. The codeine is fake, you need to learn how to feel content and happy in your own skin.

Abrazos,

La Gata Loca

Impurrfect

((evey)) - You're NOT stupid. I abused pretty near everything, at one time or another, before becoming totally addicted to crack. I remember the "but I need this to FEEL good" feelings. I just know that how I'm feeling now? There's no comparison to how I felt when using, BUT it took a while to get all the stuff out of my system and that was no fun.

I've been on anti-d's a few times, am supposed to be on one now but not working means no income so I'm not. I would love to go to counseling, but that's not an option either (our county has nothing that is low-cost or free) but if it's an option for you, I highly recommend it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

DejaVu2

Like I mentioned before about Sober being power and if sober is boring then life is boring.
If without your DOC you feel this way... Change what it is in your life that's causing it.
I know that's easier said then done. If you need to talk to a personal counselor about anxiety/depression or overall self esteem whatever it may be that causes you to be so down; then I would start there. Talking to somebody about underlying issues once you have identified only then can you work on the solution. And if you're feeling lonely you can private message me; I'm a house wife, I sit here all day; at night not so much but if you need to talk I'm here. I may not always know what to say but sometimes getting it out and reading what you are saying can help identify it all on your own.

Slightly off topic - I wanted to mention something about your signature too I like it a lot but recently read something that reminded me of it "Knowledge may be power, but wisdom is control"

eveleivibe

I feel i need it more now because it's christmas n im stressed out.
A situation happened today n i know I'd have over reacted if it wasn't for codeine.
Sometimes i
Feel trapped by certain things then feel guilty for feeling that way.

I am stupid because who goes n gets themselves addicted (if inam arrrrgggg) to meds they were warned are addictive. Also i've done a BSc Psychology degree so should know better.

And i feel so angry do my family actual care??? Because if they did why have thry not noticed??? Ok i's selfish to think that way but sometimes i do. Why haven't they noticed????

I feel if i can help others maybe just maybe i could be useful n then my existence would be worth something. I've always hated myself never known whats its like to love me. Was bullied as a child i remember being 7 n these big kids calling me **** eyes n cross eyed cow n remember thinking why don't they like me? What have I done wrong? N having the 'good looking' guys stick too fingers in my face n say blind bat as a teenager so always thought inwas bad.
Now teachers saying mu child is having tamtrums in school so cam't get that right either.

I know it's wrong but i keeping thinking if only i had codrime years ago I wouldn't have got stressed in work due to the backstabbing n all the times I'd felt stress I could have been calm.

I've asked the mental health nurse to see a counsellor. I actually did counselling training years ago but was told if a client committed suicide after seeing the counsellor, they'd have to go court. I can't deal with stress of that so never bothered doing practice hours, just the classes so just had the credits.

Thanks for all your supportive replies. It means a lot. Just gave my
Little 1 a bath, hot milk withh honey n done some reading together n put her to bed early to teach her its not right to have tantrums n tried explaining it to her. No point shouting, I don't want her fearing me best tomtry talking to her n explain theres consequences for being naughty.

Anyway off for a hot bath to destress

One day things will be different. God hopefully one day

DejaVu2

Christmas season is the most stressful time of year for me; I dread it every year. It makes me feel weak and I feel like giving in again. But then what will I think of myself come the next months after I give in? What will January me think of December me? I don't like that.

Over reacting is normal and there is no sense in beating yourself up over it. Just move on from it. Admit you were wrong in over reacting and continue living.

You're not stupid; You're here. Among people that care, that's not a choice a stupid person would make. Smart people make wrong decisions all the time. It's called being human. I knew and had seen first hand what my DOC did to people before I ever started using. I did it anyway. Wasn't the smartest decision I had ever made. It was a mistake I recognized and grew from it.

People have their own problems in life, your family probably cares but they just aren't paying close enough attention. Busy with their own problems and busy schedules and maybe to them you appear just fine? Either way, the people here care. Focus on what you have.

Stress will always be there. Life is like that. I'm sorry you've had it rough in life and maybe it hasn't been as fair to you as others, and that's hard to deal with. But it's the cards you were dealt. God wouldn't have given you the cards if he didn't think you could handle it. Be strong. You're never dealt cards you can't play to your advantage.

Just don't be so hard on yourself, you're your biggest enemy, you're biggest obstacle. It's a matter of thought.

Be strong, you can do this; It's always better in the end and if it's not better... it's not the end.

eveleivibe

I reallyndo appreciate these lovely msgs - i never expected them. It really does mean a lot xoxo