ebrahimv

I am not the user, but my ex boyfriend is. I am finally going to see him next Tuesday and I need him to realize he is addicted because he is throwing away his life. I need advice on how to talk to him. I know he will be angry and say somethings that will hurt me but I'd rather help him. He is doing everything but injecting himself as far as I know. He has only been using for a month, but it seems to be everyday. Please tell me what I can do to help

Admiral

Just lay the cards on the table, if he doesn't want to listen then there's not a whole lot you can do about it. Unfortunately he will probably have to hit some pretty hard times before he realizes what a mistake he's made.

Dee74

One of the first things I had to learn is my recovery is my concern. I have to do the work - noone else.

I also had to learn I can't help anyone else who doesn't want to be helped.

I don't want to crush you...I think it's admirable you want to help your ex, but I pushed a lot of people away who wanted to help me...

it's best not to go in with high expectations.

D

eveleivibe

Hiya,

I don't really know what to say really - you can't help him unless he wants to help himself.
If he blames you take it with a pinch of salt - you are not to blame for this.

My advice is to go to the Friends n Family of aubstance misuse forums as there will be a lot of people in a similar position as you.
People may not be responding to this as a lot on here are addicts themselves as opposed to friend/partner/family of the addict so they may not want to say the wrong thing - i cannot answer for them. This is just my assumption.

On the friends n family you will find somr stickies n from called cynical one which are interesting.

Also - if you feel you may be angry n say somethingaybe its bedt not goong? Maybe you could write him a letter explaining your feelings? You can't make him realise he is addicted - only he can do that sorry.

Please feel free to PM me anytime if you'd like someone to talk to - I'm willing to listing. Also please try the f n f forums.

Take care of yourself,
Hugs
Evey xxx

Rosiepetal

I would say if hes doing all substances he will be pretty messed up in the head. You can try to talk to him but there may be a chance he will not respond well. He needs to want to do it for himself.
Prepare yourself, & if all fails take time for yourself.
Sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard.
We are here for you.

socaldg

I wish there was an easy answer to your question. Loved ones begged me to stop, told me I was throwing away my life, threatened to leave me....I knew I was killing myself but as long as the desire to use was in control I did not want to stop. There is no logic or reason, if you aren't similarly afflicted it will make no sense at all, and if you are similarly afflicted then you will understand that no matter what you do or say, your ex will have to reach his breaking point.

The first time I got sober it was because my wife threatened to throw me out and I realized that I might end up on the street, so I went into AA/NA because it seemed a lot easier than living on the streets. The second time was after I rolled a car in a blackout. This is my third time. It is now becoming a matter of life or death.

Ever watch the show "Intervention"? The extent of denial that we can create is hard to comprehend. Good luck...its never easy to watch someone falling deeper and deeper.

Lily1918

Well I know that these answers are hard to hear. but they are all very true. I came here looking for hope, not acceptance and boundaries and letting go. no way!!! Love doesn't let go! Right? I struggle too. Huggs

ebrahimv

Thank you all for your help. I definitely will be looking at the friends and family forum as well and keep you posted if I need anymore help or if there are any updates on what's going on. I'm so nervous for Tuesday and I'm expecting him to kick me out of his life for trying but at least I tried right?

DejaVu2

Don't know if this is of any help but my husband is an addict (I'm 2+ years recovering) and he said when he was young he told himself "screw it, you're young do what you want. Do the drugs, who cares?" He says now it's like "Okay, you're grown, you got it out of your system, why cant you stop" He had the mentality that at first when he started it didn't matter, didn't want to quit he was having fun and told himself "I will quit when I get older" Now he's older and having a hard time with it 13 years of crack will do that to anybody.

It's one thing to think you can get away with it and quit once you get older. It just never seems to be that easy. Maybe that's a point you can make. I doubt he will listen because most addicts only hear what they want to hear. Or will tell you what they think you want to hear. There are a lot of lies and conniving manipulations when it comes to addicts.

If he doesn't want to hear it, he will probably just blow you off. You can remind him that if he ever decides to help himself that you're there for him (if in fact you're willing to put yourself in that position)

ebrahimv

Thank you for that advice. I definitely will tell him that and of course I will always be there for him after all he was my first love and the guy I lost my virginity too. 2.5 years is a long time for someone so young and I really do hope he's hit rock bottom while he's been away from me and I'm hoping he is willing to accept he's ruined his life but can get back up and start fresh

ChangingforGood

Hi ebrahimv, I hope you get a chance to read through the friends and family forum before you go see him. I would hate for you to get dragged into a co dependent relationship when it could have been avoided.
I really it hope it works out for you and that he is ready to listen.

I know from experience that if hes not ready he wont change. He may tell you he is ready and he will change but please set up some rules and boundaries for yourself and what you are willing to deal with. They very well may save you in the long run.

ebrahimv

Thank you so much. I'm definitely reading into the friends & family forum as well.