sugarbear1

Forgot a "p“ in relapse

Threshold

I really needed this thread tonight/early morning.

I've been asking the same question in my mind, because I was really close to using yesterday. I wanted to, and had things gone a wee bit differently, I may very well have done so. My mind was not totally made up, so I am not certain what I would have chosen, and given the opportunity I was, I chose to put myself in a situation where using was no longer an option. THAT was a choice, as was coming here when I got home instead of using.

I was wondering last night, with a sardonic smile, whether or not the change in situation was mastered by the Universe to nudge me in the right direction. All day at work I was arguing with myself..to use or not use...to throw away my clean time, to be honest with my sponsor and my boyfriend, who is in recovery as well. It looked like I was going to have the night to myself, not by choice, and I knew it was going to be hard to stay on track.

Instead, my boyfriends plans to go away for a couple days, fell apart. Then a disagreement with my room mate, which I would have used as an excuse to use, ended with me spending the night at my boyfriend's place.Half the problem was solved, but now I need to examine what is going on that I was walking the edge.

I couldn't sleep and came home from my boyfriend's and first thing, got on here. As many here noted, relapse begins in the mind before it is played out in real time. Mine has been simmering for a couple of weeks. I don't want to go there. The last time nearly did me in.

chicory

very interesting thread.

my thoughts are: what are the differences between-
addicted and using
addicted and not using
addicted but recovering
addicted and not recovering
recovering and not using
recovering and using/trying to use

i believe that recovery is in the mind first, and then the body follows. you can relapse if you lose your recovery mode. therefore i think that you have to fall/stop recovery mode before buying /trying to use. if someone is recovering and then decides to use, i feel that is a relapse in the mind and body.


my son hasnt drank for a year, but he is not recovered. so it is not a relapse if he drinks.
if he was in recovery and tried to use, i feel that is a relapse. going back to bad habits.

just my two cents. this is interesting tho. hope your friend gets it back on track.

FT

Hi chicory,

I suppose this is probably one of the most discussed topics on the forum, but we were having a similar discussion on another thread in another forum. I had always considered someone who abuses drugs or alcohol to be an addict. My opinion may be mainstream, but it is not generally accepted in every substance abuse paradigm.

Try adding "not" in front of every category you just listed and it gets even more interesting.

In the other forum, we were tossing around the use of the word "sober" as it applies to alcoholism and recovery. Other than an alternate use of the word as in "sobering", it is a word not generally used except in alcoholism circles. That brings up the word "abstinent". Is sober the same as abstinent? I'm not even going to TRY to answer that here.

For example, the alcoholic to be sober must remain abstinent. So whenever he/she is not drinking, that's what he is. But for the non-alcoholic, whenever he/she is not drinking, he/she is not abstinent but just not having any alcohol. See the difference?

I don't want to ARGUE any of it at all because there is no right answer to any of it, unless you are closed-minded.

So, is your son an addict or alcoholic? If not, then it isn't a relapse if he drinks. So you've touched on these definitions at the end of your post.

FT

chicory

FT- If I had to give one answer to the question "Is my son an alcoholic", I would have to say yes.
I have not seen him able to drink in moderation- if there is beer , he keeps drinking. Perhaps if he has a bad enough hangover, he might give it a few hours between drinking.

when he worked and made money, he bought beer, vodka, and hid bags of empty bottles in his room. He lied about having booze, lied about how much he drank. He lost a few jobs due to calling off work, due to being up all night drinking. He has used money that was for gas, for alcohol. He hid his vodka in mattresses, etc. he cannot keep a promise not to drink. He stayed at home times to drink, instead of going with his girlfriend,as she did not like to see him drinking. denial about all of these facts.

He is staying with me, and has no job, no money to drink. but if he did drink, I would not consider it relapse, for he never has worked to recover from the problem of alcohol use.

he has not risked being thrown out by taking any money to drink on. has not stolen , etc. he was in homeless shelter once, i took him there. he was impossible to live with and to help him was a useless joke.

I believe that if he gets a job, he will not be able to resist sneaking drink into the home. it would not be enough for him to go out with friends to drink. as a matter of fact, he has alienated all his friends by living off of them, not doing enough to get /stay employed, or has been nasty drinking causing rifts between them. they avoid him, basically.

If he were to go to aa, work steps, and be sober for a while, then pick up what he considered alcohol and drank it, even if it was just water, i would consider that a relapse. how about you? what do you think?

hugs
chicory

FT

Lordy, what a sad, intense problem, that hits close to home with me. Until someone thinks they have a drinking problem AND wants to quit, there is no recovery, and no relapse either.

This situation was similar to something in my family, minus the homeless shelter. The person in question went on in this manner for a number of years, with alcohol nearly destroying every chance they had at life. Then, miraculously, this person actually managed to finish school and now has a job.

For the first time in this person's life, they are seeing what it feels like to succeed at something. There is no reason why this particular person should ever have had self-esteem problems, but things happen during the formative years that we are not always privy to. That's the case with the person I'm referring to.

I've been advised to pull the rug out from under them, force them to hit bottom so to speak, but I could never do that. The best I could do, for me, was to keep them safe from driving while impaired, and to have food in their belly.

That certainly doesn't always work, and I'm not convinced that alcohol could not again threaten to destroy this person. But I hope they are learning a lot and growing up now, things they should have done many years ago.

I understand tough love, and maybe it is selfish on my part, but I couldn't do it totally.

I feel for you in the deepest way. I'm not sure what else you can do, except for things I could not. Even counseling won't help someone who doesn't want to listen. For now, I guess all you can do is what you are personally capable of doing.

Much love,

FT

larrylive

So it's settled then?

We all know what we believe to be true and therefore it must be true for us all.