I don't want my "at first" to become my "in the end"; I feel it's approaching.
Uppers, Downers, and Co.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 4
I don't want my "at first" to become my "in the end"; I feel it's approaching. Cheers, everyone!
I'm JB.
I'm gonna start off with something I posted in my Facebook profile's "info" section, for the world to see...
Here's a little timeline, so you know my background:
I went to a Catholic school, so I'm sure at the time I was depressed. I got a small dose of Lexapro which never did anything.... tried Wellbutrin, annoying. At this point, however, it became if I wasn't on SOMETHING, I wasn't happy about it. Now, I love everything except for opiates- which i shun for the reason that I can tell their addictive potential is similar to Adderall's, and a doctor won't "just give" you a prescription for Oxys or the like.
Twice, I've faked thefts of my meds to get extra bottles. I take minimum 3 a day if I have them, sometimes 10- 2 at a time, and stay up for two days. It's not really a high that I'm chasing- I just like to be productive! I write music- check out my YouTube channel- and I wanna get better at it. I wanna get noticed. I wanna get famous. I want a job that I love. Adderall helps with all that.
But once it wears off and it's time for bed.... bad mood rampant. Klonopin helps. Those are kind of like smoking a blunt of good bud and taking half a Viagara. Xanax? Dangerous. Because of those, in six weeks, I acquired about $2500 in IOUs and legal fees as well as a D felony charge for PCS- which I was LUCKY enough to get my new doctor to drop.
Now? I just had surgery on my butthole from all the constipation Adderall's given me. They gave me a huge bottle of strong Norco and 20 Ativan- I was giddy. I took maybe one hydro, then traded the whole bottle for 60 1mg pins. Again, giddy. Last two days, I figured out I can "Request prescriptions" on pharmacy websites. ALREADY I get online and refill my mom's Fioricet- a barbiturate that can **** you up nice- every chance I get, and run to get it-- smash the bottle in four days. Now, I've got Sonata. Also, I told my Addy doc that I couldn't sleep due to the caffeine in the Norco [they clearly just need "a" reason] and he gave me 14 Ambien. Nice, because before yesterday, I hadn't slept in four days.
I don't wanna quit yet. I just finished college, I don't have a job, I'm about to move, most my friends suck, I'm terribly single... pills and music are all I've got. I'm a good lyricist, an intellectual genius; I have unique and interesting musical ideas and am so passionate about my art. I know it's my calling. But can I do it without all these meds? I read about an innovative mathematician who attributes his success to Adderall and he was fine with it. He said (loosely) in his memoir,
I pretty much feel the exact same way....
But I'm scared I'm pull an Anna Nicole [ish].
I'm not expecting it but if anyone has any advice or compassion.. I'd love to hear it. Thanks for reading.
I'm JB.
I'm gonna start off with something I posted in my Facebook profile's "info" section, for the world to see...
I kind of wish drugs, legal or illegal, didn't exist, because they're a weakness of mine. I am able to adapt to situations naturally but when I know there's a drug that will do a lot of the work for me, I kind of have to have it. People I respect have encouraged a "mind over matter" mindset that I've got to learn to embrace. Medical professionals have diagnosed me ADD, MDD, and GAD; they've suggested bipolar and I've even heard the word schizophrenic more than once. That being said, I don't believe I have any mental disorders. The way I would genuinely describe my mental condition goes like this: Gay. Black. Genius. Lazy. Overactive mind, underactive body. Too focused on food, too focused on boys, too focused on how I feel in the moment. I've been through many adverse situations but I know God made me especially strong- with an ability to rebound- so that I can overcome these situations and become something amazing.
Here's a little timeline, so you know my background:
- Before 2009, I was just a fat, poor, gay, black boy with a lot of heart and a lot to say- hoping to fit in. I found a group that'd accept me-- potheads.
- Well, my personal goal of becoming a music teacher kind of requires a degree and being stoned all the time kind of makes that harder. Easy road? Adderall scrip. For some reason, I've got the gift of being able to shamelessly lie to get what I want, as you'll see later..
- A visit to a psych got me strattera. Some reading and a few more visits had me at 20mg of Adderall a day. Time to switch doctors...
- A new, black, FP who- with every 3 month visit- increased my dose. In a year, I was at the max- 60/mg of Adderall IR a day.
- At first that was more than enough. Gradually, it wasn't... now, it lasts me about a week.
- The concurrent issues include cynicism, lack of positivity and creativity, anxiety, binge eating, de-sensitivity, erectile dysfunction, tremor, and the normal attributes of ADD.
I went to a Catholic school, so I'm sure at the time I was depressed. I got a small dose of Lexapro which never did anything.... tried Wellbutrin, annoying. At this point, however, it became if I wasn't on SOMETHING, I wasn't happy about it. Now, I love everything except for opiates- which i shun for the reason that I can tell their addictive potential is similar to Adderall's, and a doctor won't "just give" you a prescription for Oxys or the like.
Twice, I've faked thefts of my meds to get extra bottles. I take minimum 3 a day if I have them, sometimes 10- 2 at a time, and stay up for two days. It's not really a high that I'm chasing- I just like to be productive! I write music- check out my YouTube channel- and I wanna get better at it. I wanna get noticed. I wanna get famous. I want a job that I love. Adderall helps with all that.
But once it wears off and it's time for bed.... bad mood rampant. Klonopin helps. Those are kind of like smoking a blunt of good bud and taking half a Viagara. Xanax? Dangerous. Because of those, in six weeks, I acquired about $2500 in IOUs and legal fees as well as a D felony charge for PCS- which I was LUCKY enough to get my new doctor to drop.
Now? I just had surgery on my butthole from all the constipation Adderall's given me. They gave me a huge bottle of strong Norco and 20 Ativan- I was giddy. I took maybe one hydro, then traded the whole bottle for 60 1mg pins. Again, giddy. Last two days, I figured out I can "Request prescriptions" on pharmacy websites. ALREADY I get online and refill my mom's Fioricet- a barbiturate that can **** you up nice- every chance I get, and run to get it-- smash the bottle in four days. Now, I've got Sonata. Also, I told my Addy doc that I couldn't sleep due to the caffeine in the Norco [they clearly just need "a" reason] and he gave me 14 Ambien. Nice, because before yesterday, I hadn't slept in four days.
I don't wanna quit yet. I just finished college, I don't have a job, I'm about to move, most my friends suck, I'm terribly single... pills and music are all I've got. I'm a good lyricist, an intellectual genius; I have unique and interesting musical ideas and am so passionate about my art. I know it's my calling. But can I do it without all these meds? I read about an innovative mathematician who attributes his success to Adderall and he was fine with it. He said (loosely) in his memoir,
When I don't have Amphetamine, I look at a blank piece of paper and see: a blank piece of paper. Take a little, a ton... a progressive amount of ideas bounds onto the page and I'm like a child in a candy store!
But I'm scared I'm pull an Anna Nicole [ish].
I'm not expecting it but if anyone has any advice or compassion.. I'd love to hear it. Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi writrs!
Wow. I'm not sure if you asked a question in order to get advice. Do you want support to quit using substances? It sounds like you are still in active addiction.
I think a lot of people here would like to help you if we can figure out what's going on.
For me, I think you have a way with words, but I had a hard time sorting through your issues.
Maybe getting with a face to face support group would be a good start. If you are a single gay male, there are both NA and AA groups, and probably more I don't know about out there.
I definitely have a lot of compassion for your loneliness, if that is a part of what is going on. You sound like a very intelligent guy with a lot to say, a lot to share. This isn't a bad place to start.
FT
Wow. I'm not sure if you asked a question in order to get advice. Do you want support to quit using substances? It sounds like you are still in active addiction.
I think a lot of people here would like to help you if we can figure out what's going on.
For me, I think you have a way with words, but I had a hard time sorting through your issues.
Maybe getting with a face to face support group would be a good start. If you are a single gay male, there are both NA and AA groups, and probably more I don't know about out there.
I definitely have a lot of compassion for your loneliness, if that is a part of what is going on. You sound like a very intelligent guy with a lot to say, a lot to share. This isn't a bad place to start.
FT
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by writrsweetheart 
I don't wanna quit yet.
Honestly, what I see right now is a really friendly guy with a bit of an ego, lots of ambition, and a lot of excuses on why not to quit. JMHO.
What are you hoping to find on a recovery forum if you don't want to quit? Perhaps a reason why you should quit? Read some threads, you'll find A LOT of reasons why...however you have to really want to quit otherwise we have no way of helping you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi writrsweetheart 
Welcome to SR
To be honest I wasn't sure I wanted to quit when I got here either...my drug was alcohol and it had destroyed my life, my relationships, my motivation, my personality, my creativity - I did nearly die...but I still wasn't sure I wanted to quit.
Thats the kind of power addiction has and the kind of insanity it engenders.
I wonder how that mathematician may feel in 10 years time.
I was lucky to land here - the folks here gave me a lot of support advice and wisdom, and gradually I let the insanity go.
My life's never been better - I really hope you'll decide to give yourself the change to let that happen for you too
D
Welcome to SR
To be honest I wasn't sure I wanted to quit when I got here either...my drug was alcohol and it had destroyed my life, my relationships, my motivation, my personality, my creativity - I did nearly die...but I still wasn't sure I wanted to quit.
Thats the kind of power addiction has and the kind of insanity it engenders.
I wonder how that mathematician may feel in 10 years time.
I was lucky to land here - the folks here gave me a lot of support advice and wisdom, and gradually I let the insanity go.
My life's never been better - I really hope you'll decide to give yourself the change to let that happen for you too
D
Uppers, Downers, and Co.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 4
It's just that I'm ssoooo scared. I've HIT rock bottom... lost it all. Still on the ****. What's it gonna take? Where can I find my real epiphany? I surely didn't mean to offend anyone, but we all know you're addicted to something cause you like it. I've made an effin hobby out of handfuls of pills..
I'm moving to NYC next week. I think all that competition and walking will divert my thoughts
Here's some of what I love and do...
PS- I took Sonata. It's funny how I can't comprehend what I'm doing... haha
youtube dot com slash user born2broadway?
I'm moving to NYC next week. I think all that competition and walking will divert my thoughts
Here's some of what I love and do...
PS- I took Sonata. It's funny how I can't comprehend what I'm doing... haha
youtube dot com slash user born2broadway?
Uppers, Downers, and Co.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by SpeedyJason
If you're willing to quit, we're willing to help but it doesn't look like you're at that point yet.
Honestly, what I see right now is a really friendly guy with a bit of an ego, lots of ambition, and a lot of excuses on why not to quit. JMHO.
What are you hoping to find on a recovery forum if you don't want to quit? Perhaps a reason why you should quit? Read some threads, you'll find A LOT of reasons why...however you have to really want to quit otherwise we have no way of helping you.
Honestly, what I see right now is a really friendly guy with a bit of an ego, lots of ambition, and a lot of excuses on why not to quit. JMHO.
What are you hoping to find on a recovery forum if you don't want to quit? Perhaps a reason why you should quit? Read some threads, you'll find A LOT of reasons why...however you have to really want to quit otherwise we have no way of helping you.
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Sorry writrsweetheart, I was just being blunt, telling you what I saw. I do not mean to come across as an a-hole. You're certainly welcome here, read around the threads, maybe eventually you'll decide to quit cause drugs just aren't worth it. Get off the train before you run out of stops.
Being scared is normal. I was scared, it took me a year to finally get clean and stay that way. Its taken much longer for many others. If you don't have the desire to quit, then I'd say you haven't hit your bottom yet. A bottom should make you want to turn your life around, make you want to quit because it's effing up your life. Has that happened for you?
I hope you like NYC. I used to live near Chicago, cities can be nice at times...sometimes not so great.
Being scared is normal. I was scared, it took me a year to finally get clean and stay that way. Its taken much longer for many others. If you don't have the desire to quit, then I'd say you haven't hit your bottom yet. A bottom should make you want to turn your life around, make you want to quit because it's effing up your life. Has that happened for you?
I hope you like NYC. I used to live near Chicago, cities can be nice at times...sometimes not so great.
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