underoath

On top of wanting to use as an easy way out, when my anxiety is completely gone, I tend to want to use even more, because like I said, the main reason (not the only one, but the major one) that made me want to stop using was the drug-induced panic that always followed.
When my anxiety reaches a normal level I need to find a way to convince myself that there is no point in using... I need to figure out a way to leave using in the past... Just like high school, I graduated, it's in the past, it's done- time to move on. I need to forget about using and look at it like "yeah I did this and that- and I did have some good times, but those days are over"... and just move on, look forward to bigger and better things. It's easier said than done of course.

I think the reason that I keep subconsciously hanging on to this anxiety sh*t is because when I'm feeling like that, my DOC is benzos. Then, because of the chilled out state the benzos create, my addicted mind goes off to other drugs, because of course with the benzos I have no fear of consequence whatsoever. Then it's just a nasty cycle of cocaine, benzos, more cocaine, more benzos... Like I get too 'up" then I take benzos to bring me down, then I get too down, so I do more cocaine, then next thing I know I can't remember what I did 5 seconds ago
Basically, anxiety is kind of what kept me sober early on- I just knew that I wanted to allow my brain to heal and if I touched a potent stimulant or any other kind of drug I would screw up what I was trying to recover from. Take the anxiety away, and I have no problem using (well I do feel bad about it in some respects, but it's easy for me to just shut those thoughts up)
Even though it kept me sober early on, hanging on to this anxiety makes me want benzos, and benzos take away my anxiety COMPLETELY, therefore... I would quickly be back doing what I was doing, and most likely much worse... then I run out of benzos and life becomes unbearable...
I had minor anxiety issues before I ever touched drugs, even during... but the counselor at my rehab was convinced that the worst of my anxiety was my addiction attacking me at the flank. Telling me... "get some benzos man..." just knowing that once I got those benzos, I'd be using cocaine... and whatever else I could get my hands on. It is starting to make sense kind of... it's just real frustrating that sometimes I cannot really differentiate the true from the false... like what is anxiety, what is my twisted addict way of thinking, and what is the truth... sometimes it gets real confusing...

Just a lot of frustration, just a lot of mental exhaustion. What I'm going to do is I'm just gonna let it go, not obsess over it, and focus on not using today... I know that's what they tell you early on, and at 90+ days I should know this by now... but I never really had to use that, because I was too damn scared of what might happen if I did use again. I could never fathom "not using ever again..." but I knew that I didn't want to use for a while until I got my anxiety straightened out. Cocaine and anxiety isn't a great combination. The whole not drinking thing was hard for me to handle, because alcohol never gave me a panic attack, I never had a problem with alcohol... the only time alcohol was a problem was when it was the only available drug.

Not too sure where I was going with this post- I normally make sure my thoughts flow in some coherent fashion...

All I'm sayin is- anxiety helps me stay sober, and at the same time it hurts me, and it's hard for me to figure out what is my 'disease', what is my anxiety, and what is rational.... this is where all my frustration comes from, and the idea of just giving up... Too much anxiety, and I want to give up and use benzos (which will most likely lead to other drugs), no anxiety, and I just wanna skip straight to whatever I can get my hands on (preferably cocaine)...

last time when I relapsed just before 90 days, it was because I was feeling really good and was ready to go back out... like... I got nursed back to health and then I was done with recovery, fortunately I didn't have any benzos, went straight to the cocaine, spent the whole time pacing around the house feeling like my heart was going to explode, meanwhile reflecting on all this recovery sh*t that was pounded into my head... so yeah it wasn't a great experience... but for some reason I keep thinking... maybe if I just had some benzos to take the edge off it would have been great

but like I said, I don't plan on using today, and I'll focus on that for now. In the meantime I guess I need to figure out a way to get this sh*t under control before I end up acting on it...

Thanks everyone for the support, sorry to make such a negative post, but I'd be lying if I went around acting like everything was fine

I'm not giving up- not yet... not today.... almost did yesterday, but that was yesterday... and although some of the 'demons' from yesterday are still plaguing my mind, I will keep my head up in hopes that I will reach a point of contentment. I know there will be ups, and there will be downs, and there will be the occasional cravings, but hopefully I will discover a better way to manage all that when it comes

A part of me is glad I am sober today, but the other part is still struggling to have it's way.... I wish I knew how to go through life without having such a struggle inside my mind... like only half of me can be happy at a time, if that makes any sense at all...
when I'm sober, part of me wishes I was using
when I'm using, part of me wishes I was sober... it's pretty damn frustrating

FT

Hey underoath,

You aren't saying anything shocking or surprising, not really. I've tried to explain it to non-substance-abusers who have never used, how pain becomes a non-issue as long as it leads to the drug source for example. Anxiety becomes almost a non-issue as long as it leads to your benzo source. Even feeling half-way normal is a trigger for you, because it too leads to your drug source. You have created a hamster-wheel of a life where the vicious cycles all connect.

That's not surprising, and I get it.

When you are ready to stay clean, you will figure out a way to break the cycle. It could be that you are at the point right now, as we speak. Only you can answer that for yourself.

You are too intelligent for anyone to try to tell you the "answers". You know as well as anyone that any answer is unique only to that person.

I hope that, if you break through this phase intact, that you share what your answers are. Because, as all of us watch, and read, and listen -- sometimes there is someone out here for whom your answers ring true, and that way you help more than yourself.

FT