KerrieforLyle

I need help with a guy that has recently entered my life. I’m having concerns that he’s using. I’ve never ever in my life been involved or around drug abuse, so I don’t have much knowledge on the subject. I’ve tried to research on the internet, but have found conflicting information. I’m writing in hopes of gaining some insight on my situation. A short while back (before I knew him), he was in a pretty severe car accident. His ankle was shattered and had to have surgery to place pins in it. He confided in me about being prescribed Percocet for the pain. I felt a little uneasy about the whole thing. He stated that after his prescription runs out in 2 months, he’s afraid that he’ll miss it. I completely understand and approve of Percocet being prescribed for medical reasons. I’m also completely aware that the medication can be extremely addictive, whether there was intentions of this or not. But, his statement really took a toll on me and made me think. He says that his ankle doesn’t even really hurt anymore, which leads me to assume that he’s hooked. I don’t believe in changing a person, but I told him that I wouldn’t even consider dating him if he’s takes part in any kind of negative activity. It’s his prerogative if he wants to continue, but I won’t be there if he chooses that path. All in all, he decided enough is enough. He says that he wants to be with me and will do anything for me to make that happen. I’m glad he seeks encouragement in me to make him stop, but know that he ultimately has to do it for himself if he truly wants to get back to a healthy living. He spoke with his doctor about getting off of it and tells me that the doctor now gave him Suboxone to wean him off the Percocet. He says that all it takes is a week of the Suboxone and you’re free. It’s now day 6. I have not seen any withdrawal symptoms, but should I? I have an even deeper concern. He has these marks on the front of his forearm. There’s a mark on the vein of one arm and then a couple marks on the opposite arm. The one mark appeared in the beginning of our relationship when he told me that he had an HIV test. However, the place on the forearm where they drew the blood seemed odd to me. He said that they couldn’t find a good enough vein in soft spot where the elbow bends. I then didn’t really think anything of it and was actually glad he got tested. Weeks went by though and a band aid was still on. The other arm’s strange marks appeared after a Saturday night spent together. I slept over his place for the first time. He insisted on taking a shower before going to bed. He was in the bathroom for quite some time, but figured it was taking longer because we went for drinks and he was drunk. I was laying in bed by the time he was done. He went over to his ipod before playing a song and literally fell asleep in midst of changing the song. He’s done this nodding off a couple of times before. Sitting at dinner and signing receipts at the bar he’s had this in and out of consciousness look. His eyes are also always drowsy and blinks as if his eyelids are bricks all the time. The next day when we got together, another band aid showed up on his arm. I asked about it and he says that he’s being tested for elevated liver enzymes because of these swollen ankles he’s having. Once again, the nurse couldn’t find a large enough vein in the usual spot of the arm and was done on his forearm. He does have very swollen ankles to the point of cankles, which I read is a symptom of Suboxone. The same day I caught him with a pouch. He’s also trying to quit smoking. He tried to convince me that it was this new Nicorette gum and was also at the time spitting out his Gatorade after each sip because he said that it tasted funny. I knew all along what it really was, but he was lying to me and going off on these tangents. He later finally confessed. These “lies” are also a big problem. His stories often change and more than once about his past, daily activities, and even about his name. I decided I needed a break from him for a couple of days and didn’t see him to try to distance myself. I finally saw him last night. He didn’t have band aids, but there were now more small marks on his arm that were sort of scabbing. I brought it about and my opinions about the situation. He declares that he would never stick a needle in his arm and clearly I don’t know him enough. He has had past drug abuse with a binge on cocaine after his roommate committed suicide. His lying about where and what he was doing because of his cocaine addiction broke him and his last girlfriend up. I don’t know what to believe right now. I feel like I’m not in the position to accuse him of anything. He could very well be telling the truth about everything. I don’t want to turn my back because he’s such a great person and I feel so special when I’m with him. I don’t want to throw that all away if I’m wrong. I can’t call him out anymore because it’s only making us grow apart. Even if he is using, I can’t up and leave because I’ve already invested in him. I just don’t know what to do. I need answers either way.

FNB3

Im really glad I read this post and I thank you. Great to have you here and I would highly suggest the al-anon portion of this site. There are also friends and family sections.

Honestly it sounds as if you have pretty compelling evidence of drug abuse. That would be my first reaction. And it sounds as if you know it. The mind can make a powerful case telling you something isn't true if that result is of something you want to believe.

You are clearly getting SOMETHING out of being with this person. The give and take is what relationships are all about and I have yet to meet a real altruist.

You need to arrive at your own conclusions so just try to ask yourself the hard questions. What am I getting out of this? Why am I here? If you can give yourself truely honest answers then you will answer many of your own questions.

It's good to care for people and I commend you but know that it's not really likely to have a big impact in fixing an addict. That generally has to come entirely from the individual himself.

As they say, it takes two to tango, and there is a reason the two of you are in this predicament. I would personally spend every ounce of energy that I had on improving myself.

FT

Hi Kerrie,

Wow. You raise a lot of issues. I realize that you are already invested in this guy, but I wonder if you might need to reconsider cutting your losses and run. You have some legitimate suspicions about this guy's behaviors, and I would trust your gut.

Let me try to shed some light on his behaviors from my own personal perspective. I'm an old lady who seems to fall down about every ten years, crash and burn on some kind of substance, and then pull myself out. This is my third recovery. I am not someone you would EVER look at and suspect drug abuse. That is your first lesson in addiction -- addiction is not always visible, and anyone is susceptible under the right circumstances. My first addiction was over 15 years of alcohol abuse, and I quit drinking over 20 years ago. I recognize I cannot drink alcohol. Not one drop.

Ten years ago, I had a family trauma and had access to narcotics. I fell again. Hell, I was sober, right? Not for the year I fell into the injectible narcotic camp. I was able to hide my addiction until it destroyed my ability to function and caused me to lose my career, everything I owned, and almost my marriage. I got clean. Sober, right? Not.

I had orthopedic surgery in 2009, and for the several months preceding it I was put on Percocet for torn meniscal ligaments in my left knee and severe arthritis in both knees. By the time I had surgery that summer, I was already addicted, convincing myself that I "needed" the medication. I had two orthopedic surgeries 3 months apart, to replace both knees with titanium joints. After those surgeries, I was far gone, taking oxycodone (Percocet without the tylenol). I took another year before I got to such high doses I became toxic. It took another 6 months before I quit, pretty much cold turkey. Believe me, withdrawals are hell, and they are something few can hide.

My point in telling you all of this is this: people become "accidental addicts" pretty easily, especially if they have addictive personalities. Your guy already has messed with cocaine, and who knows what else. Take it from someone who has done the stuff you suspect him of doing: addicts are very good at hiding what they do, and they are very good at protecting their addiction, until they are ready to stop.

That's the 6 million dollar question for you. If this guy is hiding his addiction, putting drugs into his body in a number of ways, and lying to you, he doesn't sound like he is ready to stop. Recovery is a big commitment, because it involves deciding to feel really sick for a few weeks, even months. Suboxone is used under medical care only, and if he is seeing a doctor for suboxone, he should be in some kind of recovery plan, a medical regimen he is committed to. You'll read about people getting this stuff on their own, detoxing on their own. Not a good idea. This is a medical regimen.

If you are in a new relationship with an addict, I would review my commitment and decide if you are ready to stand by someone who is going to go through some difficult sh!t. It's unlikely he is in withdrawal if you can't tell.

Good luck. I'm not sure how many of your questions I answered. But I hope maybe some of my insight can help just a little. Hopefully you will also get some other opinions here.

FT.

CarolD

Straight up....run for the hills.

Here is a link to the Friends & family Forum for those who
deal with others addictions

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/

Reading there should give you a glimpse into what is in your
future if you comtinue this toxic relationship
There is no solid relationship I know of that is based on lies.

Welcome to SR...

tbeit

Sorry but I think he has big problems. I think you should run and don't look back. You don't say how old you and he are but he's in for a rough ride. It sounds like he needs more help than you can give him he needs to be completely honest with the Dr. That Is prescribing the suboxone. From what you say it doesn't sound like he is capable of being completely honest with anyone including himself.

iliveforyou

I agree with the others...I'd run, as fast I could. This is a progressive disease and will only get worse. I am a recovery addict/alcoholic, DOC being opiates, and I've hurt a lot of people in the last 11 years. There is not a thing you will be able to do for him. Until he wants to stop, he won't stop. I've tried many times to quit drugs for someone else and every single time I have failed miserably. I know you said you've already invested in him however if you end this relationship now you're going to save yourself from a lot of torment, heartache and misery. If he is/has been using the entire time while you have been together, how well do you really know the "real" him? I say this because addiction will turn you into a person you do not recognize.

There are a lot of people in the friends and family section that have gone thru similar things, you'll get support there as well.

I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this situation and I'm sorry that you are hurting from this. I wish you the best and I hope you take all of our advice to heart. Take care of yourself

-Jess