LifeBlows

I feel like that today. I had to ask my brother for money for gas, $20. I will pay him back this Friday whe I get paid but I hate asking for more help. Im staying at his house for free and he doesn't insist that I put out for food or supplies. I haven't bought groceries for the last 6 weeks because I paid for school and that wiped me out. That, and the using.

I had money last week. There was a time last week when I had enough money to get to work and school this week. I didn't buy gas then. I used it. Then came the scrounging for money for gas. Then I had to ask my brother and I hate doing that. I hate being the loser addict. I hate that I was so irresponsible. I hate that I made this someone else's problem.

I was doing fine with my budget until just before New Years where it was my responsibility to get the food and drinks together. Something about spending that much money all at one go was very triggering. Does anyone else have this problem i.e. being triggered to use by spending money (not on DOC just on stuff)

At the same time I'm doing okay in other areas of my life. Work is going really great - I've actually gotten the hang of getting to work on time. I saw a counsellor about my drinking. I'm in school again and taking it seriously. This time I've actually planned out which courses I am going to take when etc.
I have a plan I feel excited about life.

BUT I'm still using. Not tonight because I've run out of money. I don't feel cravings, I'm afraid to let go. I feel scared that I don't have it. BUT these days when I drink, I dont like the taste of alcohol but I do it anyway. Its been my friend for so long. But I hate hate hate hate how much money I waste on it and feel bad that I didnt spend it paying off bills of helping my brother out financially.

The last time I quit, I didn't just go cold turkey. It was almost 2 months of being sober Monday to Thursday and then using over the weekend before I finally went clean the whole week. Its like I've had to find things that will occupy the time that alcohol takes in my life.

Has anyone got sober like this? Phasing it out of your life?

Sugah

Not me. All or nothing. The occasional slow-downs from lack of money, external pressure, internal shame or any other reason were always temporary, and as soon as the pressure was off, I was back at it, full tilt boogie.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

MelissaNoDrugs

I often feel like the you know what.