DecBaby

Sorry to all first of all. I had a baby May 5 by C section. Since hen I have ben tring to get opiates any way I can. I'm sory to all my friends for lying. Before then was clean since since Oct 2009. I knew giving birth would be a chaalenge.

My husband has had problems since he got home from rehab Jan 2010.

He's an addict too and has feared I would go back when I gave birth. And I did. The feeling I got whie in the hspital was too good. I somehow thought I could keep feeling that way.

LIE! said so many times I was happy to be sober. And I was. But its a tricky deceitful disease. SR has helped keep me sober til now. I am headed to a meeting tmorrow morning for more support.

I confided in a friend that I drank tonight. At the time I had 2 drinks. BUt I kept going. Realized I was substituting. If I had pain pills I would have taken them. And I did take pain pills before tonight. I'm sorry to anyone I lied to.

I guess its a relapse and I feel like crap. Through my schemes I get 20 more pills tomorrow and though its not a lot its enough to keep me high for a bit. I'll get a few pills and get onto my meeting. No matter what I'll go again on Monday.

I told my husband tonight that is also a recovering pill addict that I was going to a meeting tomorrow. He kind of challenged my idea of God and that was it. I told hi we told have to agree on our idea of God for NA/AA to work for me. Whatever. This is either the push I need or 1 relapse in many so many people people face.

God... whatever format you may take...... Grant me the serenity......

SomeoneSomwhere

I understand being worried about the people you've lied to hear. I do that too you know. I think "I'm so sorry I hurt my Mom" or "Wow me doing this REALLY hurt that person"... and I'm seriously no expert I've been sober for 5 days mostly because my parents are making sure of it...BUT...

I think you need to focus on YOU. Not the way other people feel about what you're doing to yourself. Yes your behavior is going to hurt people here because they care about you but you need to focus on how it's going to affect you and you.

I'm gonna go ahead and assume by the way you're talking about it, that you gave the baby up for adoption? Just because you said had "a baby". I know that must be hard. Actually you know if you want to PM me I can tell you about something but I'd rather not share it here but I might be able to relate somewhat. But that's not an easy thing to do

And as addicts when something isn't easy we turn to the pills or the booze or sex or whatever it is we're addicted to but it doesnt help it never helps. It doesn't take away the pain it doesn't make anything easier. I say the words and I know they're true but... sometimes that feelings you get (for me it's when I drink) is just just so tempting... but it's not worth it. It doesn't solve the problems maybe you numb out for a while but then you wake up the next morning and whatever was hurting you still hurts but now it hurts even more because you're feeling badly about what you did.

Go to meetings. Pray. Do whatever it takes but without staying clean and sober, everything is just going to get worse and you know that I think, I can tell from your post that you recognize it. But it's still so easy when things are bad to cave in...but do whatever it takes not to let that happen

blackstrat6

Dec I pray you don't get those pills or any others and that you forgive yourself for falling down. We all have done it and you know we cant change the past. Get back up girl and try again! We love you...

Dee74

I'm just glad you're back on the right road, and that you've made a clean breast of everything. Lies eat you up - been there.

Do get as much help as you can DC - you deserve it and so does your little one.

D

Peter

I don't understand this part of what you say:

I might be missing the point but why does he have to agree to what your idea of God is?

It is very hard to get somebody to believe the things you believe especially in matters of faith so you may be be setting yourself up for further relapses if you are waiting for him to conform.

You do not even have to believe in God to get clean in NA.However it might help if you try going to meetings without being high on the pills.

endzoner

Oh Mama you know I love you no matter what !......... Thanks for being honnest with us , I know it wasnt easy for you to do so , But like Dee said its secrets that keep us sick .Were human we make mistakes , thing is we are able to try and fix them , And you can fix this , we have faith in you and were all pulling for you get help now like you said hit some meetings and do what even and how ever you gotta do it , be it rehab or out patient what ever it takes , For your self first and for your children who desperetly need there mom , I hope you dont get that script pleae Mama dont do that , yes its gonna be a bumpie ride for a few days but its not gonna get any better anytime soon if you do get them its just gonna make it tuffer . Your being honnest with us and sure were not there standing in front of you.. but do so with your family and get there help so you can help your self, they love you! and Yes they mite be upset for a bit , but in the end respect you more for askin for help from them , You cant do this alone . You got my number sweetie .. you call me if you need to talk ... you hear me ? I send good powers of serenity and strenght to you . and massive amounts of huggles.. I luv yah Mama , that dont change , now love yourself enuff to get the help you need ..your friend Endzy

Videodrone32

Hello,
Im on day 6-7 Of a horrible morphine detox. I know exactly where you are coming from. The first high is always good to me. My problem is every high after that im chasing something I will never catch. I always end up the same alone, miserable, and scared. I am greatful to be clean today. One day at a time you can do this. I will pray for you. Peace and love.

Zak

I'm just glad that you know what to do about the relaps,once you tasted recovery useing isn't fun anymore,I know how the pills make me feel but it's not real and it dosn't last,after the pills are gone it's back to now what I can start the cycle again or nip it in the bud and start the program work ,in a way it's good you both know what each other has to do,start supporting one another.
Keep your spirit up,you'll be alright!

gunslinger

But its a tricky deceitful disease

I love your wording. It sure is..that "taste" you experienced is a real physical phenomenon (see chapter 2 in AA) called "craving". It is not easy to overcome. Sometimes God "takes it away". Sometimes time heals. And ofen, we fight minute by minute until it gets easier.

I applaud and admire your honesty. You will be ok. Keep doing the next right thing that is IN FRONT of YOU. Stay focused. Stay honest.

God bless you,

=GS/

smacked

Please tell us that this little baby is not in your care...

tennladybb

I have to agree with the above. I really hope you arent taking care of the baby while you are high, and planning to get more pills. Im not saying that to be mean, i cared for my kids far too many times while using and could have killed us all. I am lucky that the grand mal seizure I had wasnt while I was driving. I remember nodding off once while driving them.. I pray someone is there caring for the baby. Please dont get that refill. Just go to the meeting and cancel it. You really dont need that right now. Make it a fresh start. Do it for your new little baby. Its easy to come here and apologize (i have done it before after lying my as* off) and say that you plan to use more and then you will clean up, after that last refill is gone.. but you wont. you will keep searching and searching... making up pain(i have done this too) that isnt really there for an excuse to get more. Esp. since you just had surgery, you will find a wy to get more. Please please flush what you have.. cancel the rest.. do it for the little one. I have been in your shoes before.. I REALLY dont mean to be mean and please forgive me if I have been or seemed that way. Im only saying this because I care. I really do... You can do it!!! Start today and just do it!! You have sooo many people here behind you, ready to support you... I wish you all the best and am sending prayers your way...

DecBaby

I do have my baby with me he's not up for adoption.

The part about the religion stuff has nothing to do with anything, I think it just started the argument between me and my hubby.

I do take a bit of offense, okay a lot of offense to the above two comments. I've been there before with my kids in my care while I was very messed up. Yes its a terrible thing. But wow a little harsh, no? My 3 kids are with me and I have been the best Mom I can be. Thats why I realize I'm having a rough time and heading in a wrong direction. SO what did I do? I decided not to get the refill and I had my Dr call up and cancel it for me. Just so that its not there. Won't be drinking again or taking any more pills. Maybe I just needed that harsh reminder. Wh knows. I'm feeling good now and refocused.

I don't really want to keep defending myself and reliving my mistakes. I thank you all for your support, and please know you all definnatly helped me learn the "right" way to move FORWARD. I guess these things happen and perhaps with this experience I can further help someone that comes here.

DecBaby

Fair enough. Im just offended I guess cuz I know how bad i was.This slip up was "not that bad" in normal people's terms but for me I know it would lead no where good and Im not saying I was a good mom messed up but i became a great Mom again. At least not a bad Mom, I honestly try my best now. I think i just wanted a little support from those who understand. I could go anywhere and listen to people call me a bad Mom. But i guess my replies can be harsh sometimes so its my turn to take it or ignore it.

sleepie

I think many of us intuitively, instinctively, want to protect children. Some of us may be the product of a household where addiction was rampant, and some of us may have been using while raising kids. I understand, bottom line- you feel awful and you want to do better. I agree as well that you should not be doing those things with kids, and you should not be doing those things to yourself... I also empathize with the way you feel right now, ashamed and sad, maybe discouraged. I am actually a little upset at your Dr. being a bit of an enabler- did he know you have a problem? You're a good girl Dec, for stopping that prescription, I know you want to do the best you can and I have faith that you will. I am sorry you're going through such a rough time with a new family member and husband. And I appreciate your honesty, I know you wouldn't be here if you truly did not want to change.

Dee74

Hey Dec Baby

You know everyone here is on your side right?

The fact is none of us is ever at our best when we go back to the pills or the drink or whatever it is...I know you know that. I also know you know there are really no such things as slips that 'aren't that bad'.

I've known you for a while - I know you're a good mom and a good person and a good chat leader & all the rest - you're not bad...you're just like the rest of us - addicted. It is a tricky deceitful disease, like you said.

I know for a fact you want your kid to have the best - and the best is a 100% sober mom....I don't see how there can be any argument about that.

D

smacked

And my comment likely came from gut reaction from personal experience. Not that it matters really, and I haven't even shared this before here..I was raised in foster care, after my twin sister and I were givin up by 2 addicts at the age of 3. Every foster home I was in (13 if them in 10 years) was typically headed by addicts or drunks living off the county checks they got for all us annoying kids. I made it out alive when I ran at 14. I totally admit my bias.. and I am also an addict. I know how it feels to be that baby..and I know how it feels to be the addict.

Just do whatever you know in your heart is the next right thing.

Ananda

decbaby,

I just saw this..sorry late coming in.

These things do happen...we sometimes need perscribed meds and then become addicted again.

Takeing note and rectifying it is all that I can do when this occurs.

As for kids...well the truth is there are worse parents then drunks or addicts, worse situations.

YOu are talking about a one month relapse....its over and done. Sure something bad COULD have happened...but something bad could have happened even if you hadn't been stoned....

The worst damage I've caused to otheres has actually been when clean and sober....

Keep things in perspective...take care of your recovery....look for the ittsy bitssy bit of truth in what you hear and ditch the rest

larrylive

DecBaby,

I for one am just glad to see you are posting, being that the alternitive could surely be much worse.
I would also like to say congratulations, tho' mostly for your baby, but also for the truth.
I can personally say it doesn't help to hide behind a lie.
I think babies are raised more from the heart than the head, and you certainly seem to have a good heart.
As to that Higher power dilemma, perhaps it excist to make you two talk more and hopefully in the end will bring you closer together. Personnaly I think everybodies god is my God, he just choses to reveal Himself/Herself/Itself in a way most beneficail to each person specifically. We don't have to understand, we just think we do.
I look forward to more of your insightful and motivational thoughts, you certainly have had an impact on me.
Be Well
Larry

karma35

hi dec
how are things at the moment? well done on getting that script stopped.. thats a pretty strong indicator to self surely... i'm proud of you!
sorry i havent posted before but i've been out for a while doin the dtox thing -i just wanted to say that U have inspired me throughout my own struggle -if u werent sending advice you were there in chat - i really mean it when i say u have been part of my recovery - so i hope you dont give yourself too hard a time over this lapse... i know that you have always been sincere in your actions and i believe you will come out of this a little bit stronger again...
congratulations on your baby's safe arrival - i'd like to know what name's been given?
sooo.. thanks to u once more...i know we'll both succeed because its what we really want - pls pm if u EVER NEED ANYTHING!!
my thoughts are with you -as are my hugs
Karma
i hope this comes across right -i seem to have foot in mouth disease on the site!!