larrylive

GIVE UP ALL YOUR MONEY, and move away from the drugs.

And FYI CrackQuack;
"That thing with the pop-o-matic bubble." Trouble

Larrylive

PS I'm in rehab, well going to be. Intake(d) intook (?) today
Assignment Thursday

larrylive

Can anybody define "wanting to quit"
because I thought when I checked into my first rehab I wanted to quit, and then the second. Everyday in the half-way house and during out patient I thought I wanted to quit.
Every time I lost a job, or woke up broke, or sold a thousand dollar pair of speakers for fifty bucks, I thought I wanted to quit. And then when my (x)wife packed up the kids and left me in an apartment with no furniture and no utilities I thought I wanted to quit. Hell everyday in jail I actually thought I had quit. But alas, I must have been wrong.
and perhaps the next I cut my self I will want to stop bleeding, or better yet I think I want to stop getting old, yes thats it I want to stop aging or better yet I want to be younger and rich, I want to be rich and famous too. I want it all and there for it's mine.
Why didn't I think of this sooner, all I had to do is want to quit smoking crack.
Thank you.
Larrylive
PS If you do not "want" to quit smoking crack, but realize it is ruining your life, keep coming back, more will be revealed.

Impurrfect

((Larry)) comparing wanting to quit aging to wanting to quit smoking crack is just like comparing apples to oranges. When you truly WANT to quit smoking, more than you WANT to use, you'll use all the tools you've picked up over the years. Of course, you CAN keep smoking crack AND quit aging at the same time....it's called "death" and crack can lead you there.

((Decbaby)) The last time I smoked, I didn't want to quit because I still had crack in my system..I was still wanting just "one more hit" but I was out of money, my dad had driven from Atlanta to Chattanooga to put gas in my car and follow me home as the crackhead I'd hooked up with had ruined my brakes and if I DIDN'T come back home, dad was going to call my PO and I was going to prison. There wasn't a chance of "one more hit". I had been clean for the better part of a year.

After 2 days of sleeping (from the 8 days of NOT sleeping) I got my **** together and I started using the tools I'd learned. By then, yes I WANTED to end all this madness and never go back. I started immediately looking for work and helping dad with his business. I was humble...my dad had to bail me out a bit of money I'd gone through in bounced check charges, pay my car payment, etc. My company let me go to work in another restaurant and I worked every hour possible. I paid my dad back pretty quick.

I worked, I stayed busy, I stayed away from people who did drugs. I lurked, like crazy, on SR and after 6 months I joined and became a part of a tremendous support group. I reconnected with an aunt and someone who's like another mother to me....both extremely supportive. I built up a new and better relationship with my now 16-year-old neice, who lives with us.

When a coworker, who is like my child, recently went out on crack, I detached immediately...I stopped talking to him, he got himself fired (3 times) and when he would show up, begging for money he never, ever asked me because he KNEW I knew what he was doing. He's now clean, working 2 jobs and in drug court (after a few months in jail) and he's apologized for letting me down but says he knows why I stayed away from him. He also knew enough to not try to drag me down. Everyone at work knows my history - I work in a restaurant and just lost another friend who got fired due to cocaine because he went into rages against 5 of us while geeking.

It's around me, I obviously don't work in the healthiest of environments, but I have to have a job. I have no desire to use. I vividly remember my relapse and where it took me. My ex died earlier this month....in a crack house, and it could have easily been me...I took a lot of risks when I was using and am lucky I "just" got beat up and choked.

I'll have 3 years clean in March. I've used one substance or another to numb my feelings for decades, but crack is what brought me to my knees. For the first time, I've accepted that being "numb" just isn't acceptable. Is my life all rosy and great? Nope..still dealing with consequences of my using; have PTSD from getting pistol-whipped in my 2nd robbery at work. The past couple days have been pretty darned bad. However, using is the LAST thing on my mind.

If using was all that great, why would we all be here, trying to quit? Why would we so posts from people, time after time, saying they "did it again" and were so upset with themselves that they had to start all over again? It doesn't get any better..we can't use "just once" or "for a little while". That's what I had to accept...I can't do it...period. When I think of crack, my mind may think of how "great" it was for about half a second, and then I remember the bad stuff...I had to force myself to think that way at first...now it's automatic.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

tyler

I think there is a line between "wanting to quit" and being willing to do whatever you have to to make sure you dont' use. I did all of the things you listed above and more. I wanted to quit when I woke up in the ER and spent the two weeks before Christmas locked in the mental ward because I tried to kill myself. But I didn't quit. I wasn't willing to do the work, go through the pain, and do whatever I needed to do to make sure I would not use.

There really wasn't some big A HA moment for me. It just happened one day. I knew if I ever wanted to have any kind of chance to be a father to my son, to have a half way decent life for myself, to stop hating myself, etc, I HAD to stop. So one day I did. Then I did it again the next day, and the next. I've only got about 8 months clean, but what I do do is not put myself into any kind of situation that might compromise my sobriety. I moved, so I could be closer to my son, and away from the people I used with before. Right now, I live quite the boring life. I go to work, come home, watch a little tv, go to bed and do it again the next day. I don't go "out" anymore, I don't put myself in a position where I'd have to say "no" to drugs offered to me. It's really not that hard. "Normal" folks rarely have people approach them offering drugs. Sure it's a bit boring, and at some point I'll have to get out there a bit more, but for now I'm not taking any chances.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you, but it is how I have done it and seems to similar to what anvilhead is suggesting. It might not be the way you do it, but somehow you have to want to quit more than you want to use. There are lots of different paths to take to get there. I hope you can find one that works for you. Take care.

jane_668

For me, quitting drugs and staying clean and are two completely different stories. I can quit drugs any time I want for few hours, days or month but I cannot always guarantee another recovery. I can bare physical discomfort for few weeks but this doesnot give me recovery. I feel I took a turning point in my recovery when I realized for the first time that I donnot need to make any resolutions, promises or think about it much. All I had to do was get through today clean and use the tools I have (AA/NA...) as alternatives to drugs. I couldnot think about tomorrow because God knows somedays I did not think I could get through the next hour clean but I did and so I had another day clean.

I really think that we are all honest when we say we want to quit using. However, the disease is so cunning that we convince ourselves we can have another pill, drink or fix despite the fact that we are destroying ourselves in the process.

As tyler said, recovery is about willingness to go through life's harsh reality sober and without drugs. It's about how much I'm sick of drugs that when I think of drugs, I immediately link it to problems . I once heard in a meeting" When I take drugs I may not always end up in trouble, but when I was in trouble it was always because of drugs" . Today I , just like many addicts who are clean, know well that I cannot take one drug or drink. My body doesnot process drugs like normal people. I know when I have one, I start a chain of reactions with consequences and only God knows where will I end up . Everday, I have a choice to go out there get high or walk through my fear to become a better person.

change4penny

For me, I just decided that I wanted to live. Drugs...pills and coke were really never for pleasure. The pills had become necessary in order to be 'well'...I had to take them, not for pleasure, but to not be 'dope sick'.
The coke, well, I snorted for many years until I decided to smoke it one day, purely by accident...a 'friend' that I had't seen in awhile, well, we met up one night and I gave her some money to get me an 8ball of powder and she brought me back an 8ball of 'hard'. Well, she said I'd like it and to try it. I did and I chased that high everyday for 18 months. Like Amy said, it brought me to my knees.
I used crack for total 'self destruction' purposes. It took me to a place that I almost didn't come back from. Only by God's amazing grace, I did.
I looked in the mirror one morning after being on a three day binge and saw death staring back. I checked into rehab that afternoon.
Just like someone else here said, when I think of those times of using, there are no good memories, only deep regret and sadness. My life today is so much better, not because I have it all, not at all. But, because I'm free. I'm not longer in the prison that drugs had me in....I'M FREE.

Penny

CrackQuack

Thank you LarryLive!!!! I could not remember it for the life of me.. Life! Sorry! and Trouble! hahaha..
BEST of luck to you for your rehab too! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I always threatened that, if I relapsed one more time, I'd go straight into rehab! So far, I've been a very good girl. I don't like being locked up. Death never bothered or motivated me, but locked up scares the crap outta me. Been there, and didn't like it one bit. But that is me. And the idea of being locked up, and having this much clean time, really keeps me on the straight and narrow. Especially when I go down to visit my friend in jail. I don't like it from the visitor's end... LOL.
Sorry, didn't mean to scare you, if I did. I won't say it's not that bad, because it IS for ME. That's me. My mom loved it. She treated it like a nice vacation (when she was in the mental ward for her bipolar). I know a few people really enjoyed the structure and the rules. And they loved learning and going to group. And the lack of accessibility for drugs.
Anyway, thank you! I could not remember the name of that game. LOLOL

larrylive

That's all well and good, but I am still confused. I have been accused of NOT wanting to quit, when in fact I really do. And other than the fact that those accusers have never met me, nor do they know my background and experiences persueing soberiety. So I wonder upon what basis is it determined that someone actually wants to quit?
I don't understand how anyone can actually presume to know what I want, Perhaps some of these people are at a loss for a better term, not that I can think of it. But beleive me I do want to quit and this train of thought certainly isn't helping me get any closer to accomplishing it.

Regards,
Larrylive

tyler

I agree with you Larry, it is presumtious for a person who does not know you at all to assume that they know what you want and do not want. I personally believe that you truly want to stop. I'm not sure if your rehab is voluntary or not, but few people put themselves through that, or frequent sites like this if they don't "want it".

I've been posting on SR for almost 8 years. When I came here I "wanted" to quit. However, it took almost another 7 1/2 years to actually do anything about it. I did the rehabs, went to the meetings, met with the theripists, etc., but I never committed fully to the concept of not using, no matter what. That is what was missing for me. The willingness to do whatever I had to do to not use. It's not an easy thing, if it were this site would not exist, AA/NA would not be around, and the "recovery business" would not be a multi-billion dollar business.

When you get out of rehab, stay away from anyone that you know does drugs. It sucks, you will lose friends, you will be bored and lonely at times, but if you are not around drugs, you can't use them. Change your phone number if you are worried about people calling you to "party". Delete those numbers from your phone book. If someone you used to use with comes by your house, before you let them in, tell them that you no longer use and if they have drugs with them, they are no longer welcome at your house. Drugs will not find you, you have to find them. They will not magically get into your system, you have to put them there.

I guess when it comes right down to it, it's the difference of SAYING you are ready to quit, and BEING ready to quit. I used to say alot of things, I thought I really meant it, but at the end of the day it was usually BS. Now I don't say nearly as much, but I DO an awful lot more. Hope that helps. Take care.

CrackQuack

Larry, I think it may be for a lack of a better term, or maybe we need to put it a better way. If you are showing a DESIRE to quit and you genuinely DO want to quit, yet if you have not stopped, it's not that you don't want to, but you have not hit that perverbial bottom (where you just feel so tired and so DONE with it and you know it 100%) and are not ready to quit. Something in your brain is still clicking in the wrong direction and not meshing with your desire to quit. It's one of the reasons why we, as addicts with that desire to quit, need to get in situations with other addicts who either are trying to quit (rehab- treatment centers) or have quit and have gone through the same process as we're trying to go through now (NA, AA, etc.).
It's not a character defect, it's addiction. I can't honestly coin it as a disease, but if I had to give it a term, I would call it a disease because it WILL kill you and there is no cure for it. It will be a lifelong commitment to stay clean OR continue using. One has a better chance of a longer life, the other does not.

larrylive

oh, look, there was more post that I had not read before responding How rash, my bad.
(edit; and now 2 more before I could finish this, thanks for making me laugh Tyler and CQ )
But in the effort to maintain an open and honest dialogue I am leaving the origanal responce. Whereas I now would like to say that Jane seems to have some understanding of what I am trying to say-thank you. And Penny for some reason when you post a responce, if I don't feel it applies to me always hope some one will read it and feel the warmth and sincerety. I say that because I have often been asked about what I was trying to hide or cover up with my drug usage. To which I respond- nothing.
It is funny how people are always looking for a reason to "blame" their actions on.
I say nope just thought it would be fun and back in the day that's all it was, fun and games. When I was nothing more than a "pothead" I led a very good and productive life.
And I would occassionally expeirement with (read use) other drugs, primarily cocaine on New Years Eve and LSD/shrooms at Dead shows and our annual Peace Party. But then one night while working in a club I was (re)introduced to crack and it bite me hard. Oops, distraction led to a senior moment and I forgot where I was going with this, friggin drugs.
Anyway it's back in the box for me, so that I might find the insiration to to think outside the box. Sometimes you have to use a wrench as a hammer.

Regards,
Larrylive

PS, CQ; I thought it ironic that I knew that game, and yes the grouping too. Although when we were young we spent many stoned nights playing Risk.

emmer

Hi Larry, if you want to see a sign of wanting to quit, then look at what your doing to quit and stay quit.

Are you going to tons of meetings?
any counselling?
are you staying away from people in active addiction?
places you know you shouldn't be at?
things that you know (deep inside) will trigger you?

If you really want to see confirmation of someone who wants to quit and stay that way, you'll see a person who goes to great lengths to guard thier clean time.

90% of staying clean is about shutting our mouths,opening our ears and listening to good advice.

Take it from someone (me) who refused to listen for many, many years.

tyler

Not exactly sure what I said that was funny, but if you got a giggle out of it that's cool, I guess.

larrylive

Good Morning All and happy nearly-end-of-the-year-day,

Tyler; it was the fact that you posted before I could finish re-posting( which triggered the memory of a brief encounter a long time ago)
Emmer; .....never mind, I'm learning.

CQ;"Larry, I think it may be for a lack of a better term, or maybe we need to put it a better way. If you are showing a DESIRE to quit and you genuinely DO want to quit, yet if you have not stopped, it's not that you don't want to...."

Perhaps I have an addiction, I knew it would come to me. I believe that that is where the problem lies. This whole time(10yrs) as I sought advice on how not to smoke crack, and the reply was "just don't pick up", I probably should have made it clear that I was an addict and by definition addicts can't "just not pick up".
Now admittedly this is a simplistic view of the whole ordeal, but perhaps it will help to foster some understanding. I would rather not go into my whole theory about abusers vs. addicts, but I am sure the differences must be taken into consideration if we are going to try to help the addicts, like me, who just have to pick up. Oh, I can hear you chomping at the bit,....no, I am not trying to make excuses. I am a fully grown single adult, I don't need excuses. What I do need are plausible suggestions on how to avoid smoking crack when I get money in my hands. Please keep in mind I have been at this a very long time and have tried most methods( which actually tend to be keeping money OUT of my hands) Time is running out here at the library.

Hope you all have a safe and Happy New Year.
Regards,
Larrylive

jane_668

larry, that's exactly what I do everyday;just not pick up.Instead I pick up the phone and call someone in recovery, go to meetings and try to get through the next 24 hours clean. I repeat this everyday day. You see , I dont have the option of picking up anymore. I messed up my life for good and I'm scared that I may not make it again if I relapse. I know that whenever I pick up,very bad things happen, a chain of bad reactions. If you feel that you cannot do it alone, perhaps you can go inpatient , outpatient or try AA/NA. IMHO, the most important step is the one you are making now-asking for help. Once I admitted I was an addict and that I am powerless over drugs(couldnot not pick up) then I started to find a solution to my problem. I was ready to try some other ways even though I didnot like them. I am so sick of drugs and using that I am ready to do anything to not pick up. Drugs are poison to my mind , soul and body.

TakingCharge999

Also, you can send the money to.. me just kidding......

My "staying clean" is to avoid toxic people, places, situations and triggers of bad times. And how does one stay clean from that or drugs or overeating or videogames or porn or whatever sick obsession...? Taking the decision not to be a slave anymore...

Once I reached my bottom of pain, it was easy. Perhaps you have not reached your bottom yet? perhaps you still feel you can "win". Or that your personality or history make you 'different'. I don't know... I am just a passersby wishing you the best in your journey and reminding you you got one life... ONE.

Every little thing you do, every single thought... be the observer of yourself and answer honestly, are you choosing life, or death?

You either "get busy living, or get busy dying". There comes a point where there are no grays anymore.

emmer

Very wise TC ...........very wise.

Not taking the above seriously is a relapse waiting to happen.

DecBaby

Why is it that it seems like thats exactly what happens? Something tends to click at some point. Is that what happens when people hit their bottom? Maybe thats what they mean.

Impurrfect

((Larry)) - I, too, hope you hear something that "clicks". I had a ton of triggers when I got into recovery....couldn't hear the word "dime" without thinking of crack for the longest time, and I work a darned cash register as part of my job! I couldn't GO into a convenience store without seeing the glass roses and brillo, much less have the dope boys hanging around outside, selling it.

For me, my moment wasn't a very simple "I'm done..I can't do this any more". The bad had outweighed the good for far too long and I was tired of it.

I've already said what worked for me, as have others. I had one dope boy call me, told him I was no longer using and was pretty surprised when he said "hot damn...you never needed to be on that **** in the first place" and he hadn't even known me that long. A co-worker had scored for me..when she showed up at work, one night (no longer worked with me) I told her I didn't use any more, and she totally respected me for it.

Another co-worker showed me a store, when I took her home one night, recently, where I could get "anything I wanted"...not interested and told her so. In the past, I would have kept it in the back of my mind, "just in case I ever needed it" but I couldn't tell you where it is, now.

This is where MY doing "whatever it took" and listening to people who have made it has gotten me. I haven't followed every suggestion, just the ones that work for me. I DO know that, if it weren't for the friends I've made here, I wouldn't have almost 3 years in recovery.

Support is absolutely one of the most important things, IMO.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

larrylive

I'll take that. I have asked many addicts the whole-what,how,why- about that "moment" and the most common response was "It just wasn't doing it for me" to which I understand as THE drug (please bare in mind I am reefering to crack, and "a drug is (not) a drug") THE drug just wasn't making them feel the way it was "supposed" to and hence the desire abated. So...and this is scary....it seems to me they broke thier brains and I don't want to, at least not anymore than it is. So I in my infinite wisdom I have embarked on this mission to try to realize a way to subdue my addiction be for it too breaks my brain.
You know instead of just sitting around smoking crack and waiting for the effects to wear off, as it seems to me that not everybody has those epiphany "moments". (I so want to create the word epiphinical or epiphinanical)
And as time goes by I learn of more and more who have died, pipe in hand.

Regards,
Larrylive