60 Days!
crazy vampire addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: just north of hell.
Posts: 429
60 Days!
I can't even find my original thread on here. I searched for it because I wanted to see what I sounded like when I came here at a few weeks clean...
I wasn't sure I could even get past the first couple of weeks.
I know we aren't supposed to count. I know we are supposed to live for the day, one day at a time. I just can't believe how amazing I feel. I never thought that life could be so good again. I am still unemployed with no potential prospects on the horizon. I can't afford the money that they want for me to get my nursing license back (3 hour a day classes, 3 times a week at $176 a day? Are you kidding me?) Normally that news would have driven me back into bed, bottle of pills in hand. But, I am not feeling defeated. There's no amount of "classes" that could possibly replace all the hard work I have done on my own.
This board is a huge source of staying bound to my recovery. When it is very late at night and I am struggling, I come here and struggle alongside all of you. Whether you are 2 years or 2 days clean...or maybe not clean at all just yet but wanting to be there...you have made an impression on me. It gives me the will to keep fighting.
In 60 days, I feel like I have regained a lifetime. I am grateful for each of those days. Each minute of each one. I am grateful to God for leading me out from where I was with only minimal damage done...it could have been so much worse. So very much worse.
I thank all of you, my fellow addicts, for keeping me strong and on the right path. I could have never done it without your love, support, encouraging words and that ability to share my feelings with those of you who really get it. The NA meetings are good. But, being here, with all of you has given me incredible amounts of strength and courage.
Thank you all so much for allowing me to come along on your journeys while you hold my hand through mine.
Love to you all...God bless and keep the addict that tries.
I wasn't sure I could even get past the first couple of weeks.
I know we aren't supposed to count. I know we are supposed to live for the day, one day at a time. I just can't believe how amazing I feel. I never thought that life could be so good again. I am still unemployed with no potential prospects on the horizon. I can't afford the money that they want for me to get my nursing license back (3 hour a day classes, 3 times a week at $176 a day? Are you kidding me?) Normally that news would have driven me back into bed, bottle of pills in hand. But, I am not feeling defeated. There's no amount of "classes" that could possibly replace all the hard work I have done on my own.
This board is a huge source of staying bound to my recovery. When it is very late at night and I am struggling, I come here and struggle alongside all of you. Whether you are 2 years or 2 days clean...or maybe not clean at all just yet but wanting to be there...you have made an impression on me. It gives me the will to keep fighting.
In 60 days, I feel like I have regained a lifetime. I am grateful for each of those days. Each minute of each one. I am grateful to God for leading me out from where I was with only minimal damage done...it could have been so much worse. So very much worse.
I thank all of you, my fellow addicts, for keeping me strong and on the right path. I could have never done it without your love, support, encouraging words and that ability to share my feelings with those of you who really get it. The NA meetings are good. But, being here, with all of you has given me incredible amounts of strength and courage.
Thank you all so much for allowing me to come along on your journeys while you hold my hand through mine.
Love to you all...God bless and keep the addict that tries.
mi vida loca
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: the desert
Posts: 351
****{CHERY}}} congrats on this incredible milestone....as we have said through our PMs, you WILL get there--i am really proud of you for giving yourself this gift, you so deserve it! heres to another 60 minutes, days, weeks, months and years!!!! bravo girl!!!! big, big hugs....take care
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Chery))) that is fantastic!!! I am so very happy for you!
As far as the job thing, I truly believe that things happen how they're supposed to, when they're supposed to. Maybe you're supposed to just focus on you and you're recovery right now? I know that doesn't pay the bills, but then worrying about it all doesn't pay them either, right? It sounds like you have the right attitude to me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
As far as the job thing, I truly believe that things happen how they're supposed to, when they're supposed to. Maybe you're supposed to just focus on you and you're recovery right now? I know that doesn't pay the bills, but then worrying about it all doesn't pay them either, right? It sounds like you have the right attitude to me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Now with fewer opiates!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Southern New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,405
Cher- your original thread:
And congratulations on your 60 days. You know I'm proud of you!
Originally Posted by Cherybaby66 
except to say that I am an addict. I am clean for three weeks.
I fit into so many categories on this website that it frightens me. Here's a quick synopsis of my story.
I'm a nurse. 10 years. I also have bipolar disorder. I am in treatment for that as of three years ago. Last year, I did something during a manic episode that sickens me now to even think about. I stole narcotics from my workplace. Interestingly enough, I didn't steal them to take them. I stole 11 tablets of Vicodin because I wanted to see if I could "get away" with it. I have put myself in risk taking situations for a very long time due to my mania...so this little stunt was nothing to me.
I was so blatant about the theft that I was caught. Three days later. They questioned me about the meds. I confessed what I did and returned all 11 tablets to my employer (they were sitting in my dresser drawer, untouched). My employer was floored to find out that I hadn't taken the pills for my own personal use. She looked at me like I had ten heads.
Anyway, she called the Board of Nursing...yada yada yada. My license got suspended, blah blah blah.
Now, I'm depressed. Can't work. Have nothing to do.
Hm. Hubby has an Rx for Percocet. I have a headache that won't go away. Let me try some of that. Wow. Cool. Headache is gone...but wait, what is this awesome feeling? No wonder my patients always request their pain meds! These are fun!
Two more. Every other day or so. Now it's three twice a day.
Before I knew it...a bottle of sixty was gone. Called my husbands primary care doc up and told him my husband was having pain and he was out of his meds. Oh good. A script for 120 pills! Sweet.
And before I knew it...an entire year went by. I spent an entire year in bed. I don't recall any of it. I was an incoherent mess from June of 2008 up until three weeks ago. Why? Because the nursing board is extending me the privilege of earning my license back. I have to go through intensive outpatient therapy. Weekly drug testing. Not allowed to work in the medical field at all until I complete therapy.
I want this. I want sobriety so much I can taste it.
Problem? I don't think I am strong enough to do it. These past three weeks have been horrific. I knew I was in store for some heavy withdrawals (the blessing and curse of being a nurse is knowing what you are in store for...) but WOW. The intensity was overwhelming. I still feel like crap.
Second issue? My bipolar disorder. One of the meds I am prescribed is xanax. However, the Board of Nursing sees this drug as a "no no" and is insisting that I get off this one as well. So far, I have not been successful with this. I have tapered somewhat...but I can't seem to get off entirely.
I am desperate to get my license back, my family back, my life back. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't sleep at night. I pace the floors, counting the hours before someone will finally wake up and babysit me. I have completely lost touch with the woman I used to be. I look in the mirror and all I see is ugly now. I used to take such amazing pride in the way I looked. Now? I look like a shadow of myself...like I aged ten years in the one that has passed.
I don't know where to begin. I am trying to give myself credit for the three weeks I have been off the percocet. You know, trying to give myself a pat on the back...
It ain't happening.
So, I am throwing myself down at the mercy of those who have walked this path already. I am throwing nursing knowledge to the wind...because I don't care how much you learn about addiction. If it hasn't happened to you, you simply don't know. You can't. At least I think you can't.
I don't know what to think anymore.
That's my story. Thanks for being here. If you all don't mind...I think I am going to hang out here for awhile. I need the company...especially on the long overnights.
I keep waiting for the sun.
I fit into so many categories on this website that it frightens me. Here's a quick synopsis of my story.
I'm a nurse. 10 years. I also have bipolar disorder. I am in treatment for that as of three years ago. Last year, I did something during a manic episode that sickens me now to even think about. I stole narcotics from my workplace. Interestingly enough, I didn't steal them to take them. I stole 11 tablets of Vicodin because I wanted to see if I could "get away" with it. I have put myself in risk taking situations for a very long time due to my mania...so this little stunt was nothing to me.
I was so blatant about the theft that I was caught. Three days later. They questioned me about the meds. I confessed what I did and returned all 11 tablets to my employer (they were sitting in my dresser drawer, untouched). My employer was floored to find out that I hadn't taken the pills for my own personal use. She looked at me like I had ten heads.
Anyway, she called the Board of Nursing...yada yada yada. My license got suspended, blah blah blah.
Now, I'm depressed. Can't work. Have nothing to do.
Hm. Hubby has an Rx for Percocet. I have a headache that won't go away. Let me try some of that. Wow. Cool. Headache is gone...but wait, what is this awesome feeling? No wonder my patients always request their pain meds! These are fun!
Two more. Every other day or so. Now it's three twice a day.
Before I knew it...a bottle of sixty was gone. Called my husbands primary care doc up and told him my husband was having pain and he was out of his meds. Oh good. A script for 120 pills! Sweet.
And before I knew it...an entire year went by. I spent an entire year in bed. I don't recall any of it. I was an incoherent mess from June of 2008 up until three weeks ago. Why? Because the nursing board is extending me the privilege of earning my license back. I have to go through intensive outpatient therapy. Weekly drug testing. Not allowed to work in the medical field at all until I complete therapy.
I want this. I want sobriety so much I can taste it.
Problem? I don't think I am strong enough to do it. These past three weeks have been horrific. I knew I was in store for some heavy withdrawals (the blessing and curse of being a nurse is knowing what you are in store for...) but WOW. The intensity was overwhelming. I still feel like crap.
Second issue? My bipolar disorder. One of the meds I am prescribed is xanax. However, the Board of Nursing sees this drug as a "no no" and is insisting that I get off this one as well. So far, I have not been successful with this. I have tapered somewhat...but I can't seem to get off entirely.
I am desperate to get my license back, my family back, my life back. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't sleep at night. I pace the floors, counting the hours before someone will finally wake up and babysit me. I have completely lost touch with the woman I used to be. I look in the mirror and all I see is ugly now. I used to take such amazing pride in the way I looked. Now? I look like a shadow of myself...like I aged ten years in the one that has passed.
I don't know where to begin. I am trying to give myself credit for the three weeks I have been off the percocet. You know, trying to give myself a pat on the back...
It ain't happening.
So, I am throwing myself down at the mercy of those who have walked this path already. I am throwing nursing knowledge to the wind...because I don't care how much you learn about addiction. If it hasn't happened to you, you simply don't know. You can't. At least I think you can't.
I don't know what to think anymore.
That's my story. Thanks for being here. If you all don't mind...I think I am going to hang out here for awhile. I need the company...especially on the long overnights.
I keep waiting for the sun.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 45
Exactly! The amazing feeling is part of what makes it soo worth it. Good for you!! Drugs are a WASTE of TIME.
I kept myself as busy as possible- I bought another car to part out and sell parts off of just to settle the thoughts of an idle mind. It worked well. I gradually stepped off the furious grind and by that time pot didn't cross my mind anymore. I think if you find a job, any job, that might help. If you're ok with that direction.
I kept myself as busy as possible- I bought another car to part out and sell parts off of just to settle the thoughts of an idle mind. It worked well. I gradually stepped off the furious grind and by that time pot didn't cross my mind anymore. I think if you find a job, any job, that might help. If you're ok with that direction.
crazy vampire addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: just north of hell.
Posts: 429
Aw, man. I'm in tears. Bear and Dee...thank you for reconnecting me with my original post. I feel so far away from that place. I know I'm not...but it feels like a lifetime ago.
Thank you all so much for the pats on the back and the congrats. I couldn't have gotten CLOSE to here without all of you. In your successes and your failures...I take a piece of all of you with me everyday. Your strength carries me through.
I pray for all of you every single night. Thank you for keeping me in yours too.
Thank you all so much for the pats on the back and the congrats. I couldn't have gotten CLOSE to here without all of you. In your successes and your failures...I take a piece of all of you with me everyday. Your strength carries me through.
I pray for all of you every single night. Thank you for keeping me in yours too.
TheMostSordidSpotOnEarth
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: ParadiseOnEarth
Posts: 811
Yay and woohoo! 60 days!!
:day1
Chery, I'm proud of you!
I also love that you're here with SR. You post with so much honesty and compassion. It means a lot.
Your message here is inspirational, and I wish you all of the best on your continuing journey forward.
As for counting days, you're allowed.
A great deal of us do it. I even know of someone with 10+ years who will still keep track of his day count at times. It's a record of how far we've come, and every day clean is an achievement worth celebrating.
Huge congratulations!
:ghug3
:day1
Chery, I'm proud of you!
I also love that you're here with SR. You post with so much honesty and compassion. It means a lot.
Your message here is inspirational, and I wish you all of the best on your continuing journey forward.
As for counting days, you're allowed.
A great deal of us do it. I even know of someone with 10+ years who will still keep track of his day count at times. It's a record of how far we've come, and every day clean is an achievement worth celebrating.Huge congratulations!
:ghug3
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
