electrickery

I had a breakthrough tonight.... for the first time since leaving my home city and hence my last big bender (8 months or so ago) I didn't get a sense of missing out or loss when I was told about a big weekend back home.

I left with the idea of sobering up and quitting everything for 3 months.... so that when I came back the drugs would work again just in time for the summer festival season

I found something much more precious than I ever expected - my joy and love for live, the shine in my eyes, my sense of self and a lot of other things as well. I went back for a month to sell my stuff and settle things (and had a couple of indulging weekends despite my firm conviction that I wasn't going too) and then left again.... yes I was running but since my entire life was in some way involved in the party scene I really was at a loss how else to stay clean when all my friends, my boyfriend, my housemates.... everyone was regularly using. And no I am not 18 anymore! (32... How the ^&%$ did that happen??)

HOWEVER somewhere, somehow whenever I knew a big event was happening back home I still had pangs for *the good old days*

Today.... upon hearing of all the 'fun' that was going to be had this weekend I felt nothing but joy that I was far away, in a different headspace and that that life was not my life anymore.

Its a little thing but also a huge thing for me... there is of course a long way to go and I know that I will be tempted again sometime down the track but in this moment I am happy. I am happy because I can now see those *good old days* as the first steps to a living hell.... and for that change in perspective I am so grateful!

bval

Nice ... thanks for sharing that ... i know EXACTLY what you're talking about

And it IS a huge thing, what you're talking about. Wish I'd gotten to where you are now when I was only 32 ...