scaredtostp

The doctor here tells me that the wd are not from the oxy, they are from my body which thinks it needs the oxy to live, and will try to remind you in every possible way that you need it because the brain thinks it will die without it. The only way to tell and show it any difference is to go without it and eventually the brain will see it does not need the stuff and will move on to better things in time........

Stagebear

And so it does! Just got back from a brisk 20 minute walk as I start a healthier eating plan. Feel fine, clearer and ready to get on with my life. 96 days.

christin1225

Isn't it amazing what we do to our brains? That's why the anxiety -- heart palps and stuff during withdrawal -- our fight or flight instinct kicking into full gear, convinced that we're going to die. I don't know about you, Scared, but the flu that I have experienced has never done that to me. For me the anxiety is horrible to deal with. So, my heart goes out to you, my friend. And I am sooo proud of you because you're doing it!

I was never one who had anxiety until just before taking the stupid pills. That's why I started talking them. How ironic that anxiety would be part of the withdrawal!!

Your lady? This is the first time that I've heard you mention someone. Does she know? A part of me really longs to have someone close to me know that I'm an addict. But I think that it has to be someone who really cares about me and who I can trust not to throw it back in my face.* I really don't think that I have anyone in my life who qualifies. So, I either have to get okay enough with the idea and be honest or get clean without anyone ever knowing. I'm working on the former. (*I should confess that I'm a primary offender of doing this to myself.)

So, is your lady someone you can tell?

vicodaniel

I'm telling you scared, you will run the gamut of symptoms and emotions, your body wants oxy baad ! You will never feel more proud of yourself than when you succeed at this !

scaredtostp

Yes, I marrried my highschool sweetheart, been 20 years already and yes she knows, i could never lie to her......she would see right through me, but none of my friends know, except you guys, as i dontt want them to look down on me for this....i dont want to feel like a coward, and believe me i feel like im not worth too much.....today was rough, cloudy outside and bored along with being dope sick, pale and weak made me emotional, could not look at myself in the mirror at all, i miss my home, my lady,my cats and even my truck. just a tough day with a few cravings,, almost to feel the pills go down my throat and the relief of the wd they would bring makes me shake and sweat and cry.....sorry for the weakness

scaredtostp

think of me as being close to you.......

christin1225

Interesting, I look at you and see such strength. Too bad we can't use each others' mirrors to see ourself. For some reason, they often are more accurate.

change4penny

I agree Christin

scaredtostp

We as humans always see the negative in ourselvees, but on the other hand see the strengths in others, that is why it is healthy to post and talk about our recovery to each other. Christian, your last post gave me the most strength ive had in a very long time and i thank and send you a big hug. We are so alike in our battle.
Im starting to feel a bit better today, a little less cravings and anxiety and a little more strength.Was even able to get some food into myself this morning which was good. And coffee tasted great for the first time in a while, I had two large mugs this morning and it felt great going down, gave me some pep....lol

I am a little nervous about tommorow as they are going to spread out the codine from every four hours to every six hours, the only good thing is they will only wake me up once a night for meds, because once im up i have to go pee, get a drink of water, then i feel like a smoke so i have to go outside in the cage and freeze as it is cold up here then back to bed, now instead of freezing twice a night, going outside sweaty, ill only have to do it the one time, then the next day, they dont wake you up until morning. Usually in the middle of the night when they wake me up i go to the vending machine and get an ice cold coke to go with my smoke. Thank god for the coke machine, i must have spent 50 bucks in the machine, usually i buy a coke for my roomate too as they also wake her up too and we both go for a coke and a smoke,,, she does not have any money and i have plenty........another four or five days this should be all over with.....

scaredtostp

Well, its day 5 and things are kinda looking up, getting a bit more energy and the sweats are almost gone. Still drinking a couple of cokes a day.lol The codine has been cut back to every 6 hours so only one wake up at night for meds, no more bp checking. Starting to have an appetite, mostly for sweets and breads. Better than nothing. Its been a rough road and still three to four days to go, cant wait to get home to my own bed at night, those silk sheets will feel amazing also cuddeling up with my lady and my two kittens will be amazing....love all of you guys with all of my heart, especially christian and emmer for all the advice and courage, i will never, ever go through this again, I have a sponsor and we have to talk every day of the week , twice, to keep each other on track......I never, never, ever want to go through this kind of hell ever again.......

christin1225

Scaredtostp,
I just have to let you know how much of a gift you have been to me these past several days! Your honesty and your courage have been nothing less than an inspiration. I often times don't know where my head is at and I fight to keep it where it needs to be. By allowing me to share in your resolve to get clean, I was able to borrow on your determination. I found myself wanting to be as proud of me as I have been of you during this time. Thank you.

scaredtostp

Your very welcome and thank you for alll of your real to the heart words, they helped me out more then you will ever know. When you decide to begin your journey to come off of the suboxone, as i feel in my heart you want to more than need to, you could stay on that for years if need be but, i dont think you want to so when you decide, i will be by your side every minute you are in detox and i will be there in spirit to take away any emotions or discomfort you experience, you can unload all of the pains on me my friend, I so much want to help you feel like you and that is just what you did to me, my fight in here is still on, still get some cravings and shakes but it is much better then day three for sure, i can feel the evils leaving my body as i type this post to you, opening your heart to others is the way to success.......talk soon Don

Tish28

Hello Scaredtostop,

I am so sorry that I missed this thread, I was too deeply imbedded by my own problems.
You are doing amazingly well. What a brave and big step you have chosen. I wish that I was right by you to cheer you on. The thought of warm, soft blankets just out of the tumble dryer is nearly enough to make me want to go through it all over again ( and it is my intention too!!)
Well done!!
Hope you post today with your progress.
Much love Tish x

christin1225

Don,

Is it any wonder that what you noted above is the very soul of the twelve-step program? I am so excited for you that the end of detox is drawing near.

I think that you made an excellent choice. A couple weeks ago, I started the process of getting off Suboxone. For me, the Suboxone has been a mixed bag of recovery and entrapment, which in writing that comment I wonder if it is even possible to have the former when experiencing the latter. Anyway, I have decreased from 12mg to 8mg. What I was told should be a relatively symptom-free process has been a rather insane one and has been more than just a little uncomfortable. Although my experience is not that of the majority, I've discovered that I am not alone and, having found some support, it has helped. However, the fatigue, chills, sweats, fatigue, aches and pains, fatigue, nausea (and did I say fatigue??) are beginning to test my resolve. It certainly hasn't helped that my "addiction" still has "a strong hold" on me, as my sponsor very wisely discerned recently.

I have such a great admiration for you, Don, and for what you and every other recovering addict, regardless of recovery program, has done. It's something that I can't seem to bring myself to do and that's to accept that I'm an addict. I've said it. I've written it. I've even admitted it. But, hard as I try... I can't seem to accept it. You accepted it and you did something about it.

I know that you still have a lot of work ahead of you and that you may even have some more of the acute stuff going on, but you have come so far. So, in honor of you, I celebrate your accomplishment!

scaredtostp

Im so sorry your having such a hard time comming off of the suboxone, maybe, just maybe it is not your time to stop them, ive learnt alot in the last few days about addiction and what is involved with it, for me anyway.
The addicton dr that i have been seeing for a while now comes to see me a few times this week, and we kinda figured out whats going on with me that led to my addiction, not my initial use but my addiction that came on with time. Ive always been an anxious person with very little patients for thing to get done, kinda like, when i buy a car, I want the paperwork, car cleaned and ready for me the same day, if i have to wait a day or two for the car, it makes me crazy. I hope you can understand the analogy.
when i started to want off of the pills, i wanted it done that same day, no excuses and when i could not be done that way, the anxiety became uncontrollable without Ativan, an antianxiety medication, which took away my anxiety, now that im on that medication, when i was getting up in the mornings, I did not have the big cravings that i was having before ativan,Therefore we concluded that i kept using the oxy as it acts like ativan in a way and relaxed me. I developed a physical addicton to oxy, anyone useing it for an extended period of time will develop that, were only human. But if I would have figured out early, maybe a week into my oxy use that i needed to be treated for anxiety, I really dont think I would have kept using the oxy as the ativan would have worked the same way for me, without the high of course, but i never looked for the high, just relief.
Now that my body wont need oxy or go through wd after this week to ten day detox is done, and i continue to be treated with ativan, hopefullly ill make a full recovery, we all use drugs to either cover up a problem or to help with the anxiety of trying to cover up and forget a problem
For me, i suffered from anxiety long before the oxy came along, and boom, oxy came into the picture and my anxiety was gone, until, the oxy itself started to give me anxiety as i knew i needed to stop it.
Wow that was hard to put into words, hope you all can understand my rambling and that these words can help you figure out what triggered your drug use.....it sure helped me out, and oxy if used long enough will make any mamal dependent on it due to the fear of wd..

christin1225

Like you, I started with oxys for anxiety. I just found that they fixed so many other things, at least for a while. How I wish that I hadn't discovered that!

Ativan is a benzo. Did your doctor speak to you about what happens when you become physically dependent on benzos (or abuse them)? I know that there are many people who need to be on them. I just suggest that if he didn't go into detail about the benzo that you ask him. If you have a doctor that will talk with you, get every bit of information out of him that you can.

As far as being ready or not being ready to quit the Sub, I've got a doctor whom I'm paying $150 a month but who doesn't ever have time to provide any real care or to answer any questions. So, I'm taking the position that the sooner I can get off the stuff, the better.

Between you sharing what you're learning and you posting how well you're doing, I'll just breeze right through this tapering stuff.

scaredtostp

dont tell me benzos are addictive, well ill only be on them for 6 weeks tapering down slowly until i get on an anti depressant that controlls both, paxil is one of the best for that and im taking those, 40 mg a day and feel better then ever. im sure you will breeze through the sub taper, just find out why you abused oxy and take something to cover that.....ill be here for you:praying:ghug3

scaredtostp

so, can you tell me about the benzo problem

christin1225

Sorry, Don, I never took them. Emmer (Joe) can tell you quite a bit, though. He's very helpful. I had just heard that after long use (or abuse) withdrawal can involve seizures. But, considering that you'll be on them for just a few weeks, I wouldn't be concerned.

You made me smile tonight when I read in your comment:
You deserve to feel good. You've done well.

scaredtostp

I did not post yesterday, i just rested all day, my cell phone rang all afternoon, on silent mode, they let me keeep it so i can communicate with my buisness as it is a blackberry but no calls allowed, gottta us the detox phone. so with all my friends calling and emailing my cell phone and me not picking up on a friday night upset me a lot,, as they have no idea wherre i am and never will,,,, sorry, i was just upset and felt lonly